Lifelong single and hate it

[HopelesslySingle]

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house.

If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

Thank you! Some are, but others are mixed. Don't mean to do the classic secrecy about hobbies thing, because none individually are remotely outing, but all of them put together might be! But e.g. I do already play a mixed sport and sing in a mixed choir.

When me and my husband met, our friend set us up to meet at her birthday party. The first meeting did not go well, I wasn't attracted to him, nor him me. Our conversation was short lived, we both came away thinking the other was a bit weird and not the kind of person we wanted to be with😂
For some reason we decided to meet again, and it took three or more dates to dig into if we actually like each other and that grew into love a few more months after that And here we are 20 years later eith 2 kids and still happy.
Potentially you are writing people off too soon. There doesnt need to be an initial spark, it can be just that you are interested enough in learning more about them as a person to have another date and then another and see how it develops. And because you are looking for that spark and don't find it, you could be giving off vibes that you really arent interested. Which means they are unlikely to persue you.

Oh yeah I tried tinder but very quickly decided it wasn't for me! I mostly stick to Hinge and Bumble now.

Some flirting and kissing, but that was about it. As I said earlier I used to be religious, so that's why. I'd probably do things differently if I had my time over, but it's a bit late for that!

That's a great origin story, I'm glad it worked out for you eventually! I try very hard not to right people off too quickly, hence at least going for a 2nd date even when 1 felt like more than enough, but maybe 2 dates is still not enough.

I'm not looking for a spark so much as at least some level of interest in learning more, like you say, but I rarely seem to find that. But yes it seems to be a theme that maybe I'm giving off disinterested vibes, so that's something to work on maybe

Bit random but how about dancing classes? Eg Salsa, Lindy hop, tango, ballroom. As they are partner dances you will get to meet a lot of people and a chance to practice chitchat as well as learn to dance (you don’t need to go with a partner, at least that has been experience).

I'm not a great dancer so not sure I'd be wowing any partners with my moves😂But I guess that's partly the point of lessons. Will give it a think, thanks!

So you’ve never had sex or done anything sexual?

Sorry to be blunt, but are you overweight? I think a lot of men are shallow in that respect. A good haircut and a nice outfit won’t help if you’re fat, that’s the sad truth. Even overweight men want a slim girlfriend.

God, I used to do these and always have to partner the man oozing desperation to touch a female body 😂

One last idea, @HopelesslySingle - I know you said you don't want a dog, but could you like a dog? Dog walkers have a reputation for getting to know each other and having affairs 😄🐕

I believe it’s in the mind, think that you are very attractive, smile a lot and hold eye contact, I reckon it’s how you come across and give a sexy vibe.

I completely agree. The men in these classes were absolute desperados in my experience.

Depending on where you live, meet up groups can be good - there are all sorts of ones. Walking, film nights, quiz nights.

I know it's anonymous but I don't really want to give details, so let's just go with my experience in that area is very limited

I'm currently 2 pounds overweight, so yes, but not by much 😂I am trying to lose some weight though for me, rather than necessarily for dating, because it would be good to be solidly back in the healthy BMI zone

Maybe, but honestly if I did have to have a pet I'd be more likely to go in the cat direction. Dogs are great but I'm not sure I love them enough to want to pick up the poo, I'd rather let someone else do that 😂

I do honestly think that I'm reasonably attractive, and I do try and smile a lot. But I can always try more I guess...

Hmm, doesn't sound like dancing classes are a good way to go then 😬I've been to quite a few different meetup groups for a range of different interests/activities, including a few singles specific ones. Made a couple of friends and did some fun things, but no more than that. But again I guess I can only keep trying

Yeah, don't do a second PhD. Much though I love the idea of having a new supervisee come in and saying, deadpan, 'Look, I'll do the research, obviously, but actually I'm here for the sizzling campus sex...'

From what you say, it sounds to me as if you may be giving off 'I'm not that interested' vibes.

I had a good friend in my student days who I felt sort of fell into regarding herself, and therefore being regarded as, a non-sexual, rather auntish being, even in her late teens/early 20s and objectively good-looking (far, far better-looking than me!)

I remember a slightly younger mutual acquaintance letting it be known he was attracted to her, and her being quite panicky and embarrassed about it and sort retreating into a persona where she was the sensible chaperone friend. We're not really in touch now, but as far as I know she has never had any kind of relationship, probably not helped by being a carer for a parent with dementia.

I don't know, obviously, that she's unhappy with how her life has turned out, but I did feel that she'd frozen into a rather nunlike, sexless persona that wasn't necessarily 'her', very young.

I just asked him why he asked me out on a date after our first meeting, and he said he 'was intrigued by my weirdo personality' apparently.
So yeah, definitely give someone a few chances to find out if you like them, as long as they are interesting and a nice person, attraction can grow from there and may take more time.
And why not try different approaches, test them out and see if doing things a bit differently has a different outcome.

I know people may not think this is a great idea but how about dating sites? It doesn't have to cost a fortune I used free ones and yes I kissed a few frogs along the way but been with my lovely husband 13yrs now. I think the secret is get to know them a bit first, message back and to and see how it goes, if you get a good vibe then meet up. I found it impossible to meet anyone on a night out, not sure why but it just didn't work for me

Haha, yeah I can just imagine the scene! Not to mention hanging around PhD students too much would just make me feel old!

It does seem like the consensus is I really need to think about what kind of vibes I'm giving off. Having studied a male-dominated subject I do wonder if I lent too quickly into being friends with my course-mates and have maybe carried on giving off the same friend-zoning vibes, even when I don't mean to. Whenever I next do get a date, I'll definitely make an effort to try and show more interest/enthusiasm, even if it's a fake it til you make it situation

@HopelesslySingle well I’ll take that as a no then. Do you think you have issues around sex and intimacy? Especially if you were religious before? It is highly unusual for a woman in her 30s to have only kissed a man. What were you like at school where most sexual encounters happen. And uni? Are you sexual with yourself? If not you could be asexual. Asexual people still desire to be in a relationship but just don’t desire sex.

Haha that's great, hopefully there's someone out there who's equally intrigued by my weirdo personality.

That's good advice, thanks

As I've said in various posts I've done lots of online dating. Both free and paid, and I've got nowhere. But there's been some useful advice to think about how I'm coming across, so I'll keep trying

Is your career female dominated? If so could you switch?

Sounds insane but two friends of mine switched to more "male" environments (one became a physio to a football club, another *something to do with engineering I have no clue really) and both broke through the man-free plateau.