Lifelong single and hate it

[HopelesslySingle]

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house.

If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

So if you don’t think this
then I’m just trying to understand why religion seems to have held you back from exploring and experimenting more during uni years

How tall? 6 foot and size 12 is slim by anyone’s standards. 5’8 and size 16 less so.

If you had no luck when you were slim(mer) then there are likely other factors.

However, losing weight for yourself - health, self-confidence, etc. is still a good idea.

If you have a PhD, you obviously have an area of academic expertise. You should seriously consider joining an academic association linked to that and go to conferences, offer papers etc. You get an entirely pressure-free social environment for a few days with other people who already share at least one of your interests, and meals, seminars and chats over coffee give you an easy way to mix with a lot of people without the “looking for love” label that you carry on dating sites. You can exchange details with other academics at each conference, and allow friendships to emerge by sharing things you may have seen or read, discuss ideas and generally do the stuff you were doing while studying. It’s also a way to continue to develop your career and networks, so you can’t lose.

The posts harping on about BMI and clothes sizes are ridiculous and I suspect deliberately goading.

People of all sizes and attractiveness can find partners, and the OP has already stated she is average. Bore off.

You're coming across as weird, body-shaming and obsessive on here, @Crushed23. The OP has repeatedly assured you she's within the range of a healthy BMI, and given that relationships are not reserved for the slender of either sex, it's strange that you're being so insistent that the OP's body size has prevented her from forming relationships.

Have you ever been to an academic conference?

GreyStork, your questions are coming over as really pushy and prurient. Quizzing other people about their sex lives and pushing the issue when they refuse to discuss it is FAR from OK behaviour, whether online or in the real world.

You're not weird, btw, OP. Or fat ffs. Sometimes you just don't meet the right person till later in life. And it's so OK to be picky, too.

OP has actually confirmed she is overweight, if you bothered to read the thread.

Besides I was offering advice to the OP that she is actually already putting into action. She has recognised that she is overweight and is doing something about it. I’m pointing out that she may find this helps her in the dating pool, given most men are shallow and place a lot of importance on physical appearance.

I guarantee that the OP losing 2lbs will not help her in the dating pool.

She is two pounds overweight, or can't you read? This is unlikely to bag her the man of her dreams. There is no one looking at her and thinking 'You'd be perfect if it weren't for those two pesky pounds.'

Lots. That’s how I first met my ex-husband.

BMI healthy range is very, very broad. Being 2lbs above the top of that range would suggest the OP might appear much more overweight. But not necessarily if she is very tall.

I can’t work it out from what you say.

When you are chatting to someone online, are you enjoying a joke or two and acting upbeat, interesting and fun? Do you feel excited about meeting the person and are they excited about you? It should be like that while you are chatting and getting to know each other. Then if you are lucky you will get on well in real life too.

As for size I don’t think that matters at all. I know someone very large who went on a mission to meet someone online dating. She had loads of dates (plenty of shags too) but she was confident and ‘bubbly’ and good company. She did meet someone and married again.

When the guys don’t want to see you again, what do they say? No spark? Maybe as you don’t have sexual experience with men you are blocking out any flirtation and not giving off interested vibes. Are any of these guys flirty with you?

Thank you! To be honest, I’m just focusing on my life and if I meet someone it’s a bonus. I think my life would have been completely different had I met someone younger or been in a few long term relationships, so in a way, it’s been a positive as I’ve been able to travel the world, move to the other side of the world on a whim and basically be selfish. I think turning 40 and STILL being single was tough, especially when some people would judge for me never having married and having no children, but I’m past that now. Would still like to meet someone but I’m not settling, that’s for sure!

Unfortunately I have no advice, but take the time to do the things you want to and live your life. I do hope you meet someone x

What happened to all those matchmaking agencies that used to be around in the 80s/90s? If they still exist, you may have a better chance through them.

I think you need to give the guys who are interested in you a bit longer. Sometimes you can get a slow burner - there's no initial spark but give it time & it can grow.

What are you looking for, what's your ideal man? Following a crap relationship I thought long & hard about what I wanted & that's what I went looking for on OLD. I didn't set any parameters as such, I was accepting that love may come in different shapes/sizes/ maybe a man who's divorced or has kids already. I was just really open to meeting someone. After 3 dates that didn't go anywhere I met my now DH.

You sound lovely by the way. I'm sure you'll find someone but just be really open to it & whoever may come along. Have fun!!

Hi @HopelesslySingle . I've read all your responses and agree with other posters that you sound great. Down to earth, bright, cheerful and friendly. I don't know if anyone else has suggested it (haven't read whole thread) but have you thought about a touring holiday with a company like eg Exodus? Somewhere really remote and fascinating with a couple of dozen like-minded travellers (not an advert honestly!) Cycling in Cuba or walking in Albania or whatever. You get to have a good break and get to know people at a slower pace. You might just meet someone.... (worked for my DH anyway! I was his tour leader very many years ago...)

What part of “no” are you not understanding?

OP has repeatedly told you that she does not want to talk about sex. She has indicated that she has some sexual history/experience but not a lot. You are continuing to pester her with your baseless assumptions. Stop it.

I am also a lifelong single, 30 and never before got past the 3/4 date. I am picky I guess but not to the point that makes sense to have been single for this long. OLD is so hard and not fun really. I feel the odd one that has not really got past anything and been with a guy for any period of time.
Don’t think it’s you, but it’s not fun and hard, I feel you 🫠
You got this

One of my friends is lovely . Really interesting. Lots of hobbies .
About to turn 40 and has never had a proper relationship.
We think one of her main problems is she basically still wants the boyfriend she wanted as teenager . Which was any of the men from the boybands she loved. And still loves.
So any man who shows some interest in her but looks wise is not poster guy material. She doesnt give them a chance at all.
Sometimes a few dates is not enough to form any sort of attraction.

One of my friends is lovely . Really interesting. Lots of hobbies .
About to turn 40 and has never had a proper relationship.
We think one of her main problems is she basically still wants the boyfriend she wanted as teenager . Which was any of the men from the boybands she loved. And still loves.
So any man who shows some interest in her but looks wise is not poster guy material. She doesnt give them a chance at all.
Sometimes a few dates is not enough to form any sort of attraction.

That's genuinely quite shallow. I'm not saying looks are totally unimportant, but is she a raving beauty?

Oh I have a friend like that
her list is so long you would need double ply extra long toilet tissue to write it all down

and the older she gets the less likely she is to get her perfect list
which is something that goes back to her teens

It's helpful to have some non negotiables, but a long shopping list is ridiculous.. no relationship is perfect and they should be worrying about what they bring to the table also.

It's little wonder they ve got to that age without having found anybody.