Lifelong single and hate it

[HopelesslySingle]

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house.

If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

You have had a few kisses in the past… has it gone any further at all? A passionate kiss or a peck on the lips?

OP you sound like a lovely person. From everything you've described, I really think it just comes down to attitude; what you think about yourself and how you treat yourself. If you believe you're a desirable person, others will pick up on that. You need to truly see yourself as an attractive person worthy of a relationship and convey to others that you see yourself that way. Conversely, if deep down you don't believe that, if part of you feels like the universe has deemed you unworthy of a relationship, people will pick up on those vibes.

I'd work on getting in touch with your sensuous side, treating yourself as attractive, learning what gets you off and embracing that. Learning how to flirt is a great thing as well. As is thinking about your body language, making sure it's not closed off, etc.

Are you on any contraceptive pills/medication? When i was i was attracted to zero men, and ironically never had sex the whole time so there was no chance of getting pregnant anyway. As soon as I was off it suddenly I was interested again and I think it did also therefore change how some men saw me.

OP - do you know how to flirt ?

I’ve been following this thread closely. I’m just in from two successive nights out with female friends who are dying for me to meet someone, but never has anyone either offered to set me up or introduced me to anyone. I’m nodding along with the op; I’m older (50s), divorced, neither desperate nor cold, and on two dating apps wondering how to get past the apathy of men’s ‘how’s you?’ messages.

It’s really interesting you say this, OP, because surely dating is ‘being vulnerable with strangers’?? It actually sounds like therapy is perhaps exactly what you need, because it will help you open up around people you aren’t familiar with, which is what you need to do to embark upon a relationship.

I agree with the above post. It will be very hard to get past small talk on dates if the OP is guarded around ‘strangers’, it’s no wonder it can be difficult to form a connection and have chemistry / ‘flirty vibes’. It can feel safer to be friendly / professional but this won’t lead to further dates.

This is absolutely the sought of thing therapy can help with, especially as it mirrors the dynamic the OP is struggling with.

@HopelesslySingle, what (decent) therapists do, which friends can't, is lead you towards self-discovery. It's cheesy to speak of "AHA moments" but that is exactly what happens, and I'm far from the only client to have actually said "AHA!" on finding a fresh connection.

I've been wondering whether to tell you about certain friends of mine who, being very logical types, told dates on first meeting that they were looking for long-term relationships leading to marriage and what they wanted from their marriage (number of children, type of house, working arrangements). They asked their dates for the same. It did work for them, though they must've had a lot of very short dates first.

However, I'm not sure even this would work for you because there's more to it than a business plan. You still need to gel at a deeper level, to have a compatible communication style and so on, or the relationship wont work.