How much help have you had from parents in life?

[Bitesize89]

I never thought anything of it until I met my DH and his family. His parents have sacrificed so much for him and helped him with uni, housing prices and constant help whenever needed. It's made me wonder. As a kid my parents were fairly well off they ot me through sports which I am grateful for and though uni education very grateful for that. I was never allowed to have friends over after they built their own house so from 14 onwards as they were afraid of house parties and that I'd somehow break anything ( Inever broke anything). When I turned 18 my dad kicked me out and told me paid for all my uni and housing which I am very grateful for but I wanted to do a year abroad before and they said I wouldn't get help with uni if I did that. They are retired now and since then I haven't gotten anything from them. I don't know if that's normal or not but they never offered to pay for my wedding or help with a house deposit. To bring context they have a house worth over 1 million and my dad said he got a big stick payout in his retirement. I know Its not my money and they can do what they want, my partner this ks it's weird that they never offer to help. When our DD was born his parents gave us money to put for her education ect mine haven't but I'm not resentful. Just wondering is it strange to have parents not help when they can afford to?

Did you ever ask for help? 'We're getting married, can you chip in a bit towards the wedding', or 'We're buying a house, the deposit is going to pretty much wipe us out financially can you lend (give) us a bit towards it'. Or do you not talk about things.

My parents were not at all well off, and my Dad died when I was young, so never expected anything. My DH's parents (also ordinary working people) did lend us some money towards a house deposit, which we paid back over the next few years.

My mum was livid with my dad once for giving me £200 when I first moved out to help before my first wages went in. Obviously giving my brother money was fine though.

I was once lent a tenner for nappies, but she wanted it back the next month. We were waiting for maternity benefits to start.

Um, I can’t think of anything else. I lost my job when I went to look after her when my dad died, and I got thanks. But my brother (earning a fortune) got all of my dad’s valuables, which he sold.

So no, we don’t all get help. I know very few people who got a penny before inheritances.

Like you, I think it’s really strange my parents didn’t help me more, especially when I was younger. They have the money- if you give it to your kids then you avoid inheritance tax (or more likely to).

as things are I’ll get a bit inheritance probably in my 50s just at the point where I really won’t need it.

I could have done with it as a young adult to be honest. But then again it’s not my decision!

I’m sorry. It must be difficult to lose a mother to suicide.

Very little. My F actively tried to prevent me taking a degree (he didn't believe in the education of women), refused to sign the financial forms and never spoke to me again, when I managed to go anyway.

My DM bought me three saucepans and a cook book the day before I left.

From that moment on I subsidised my dm's finances in an attempt to make her life more tolerable.

Perhaps they are worried about needing residential care, and are saving every penny for that. It is a frightening prospect for many.

Exactly.
Giving savings to children means if one or both of you need residential care the house has to be sold.
Its damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

Nothing beyond the minimum required to bring up a child. I earned my own pocket money from 13 years old through paper rounds and bakery jobs, and once I was in sixth form I paid for my own lunches and bus fare. I worked two jobs during my A levels and lived with an older boyfriend every weekend. No university, wedding or house deposit help. Not even a bedroom in a family home to pop back to for a visit after the age of 21 when my parents got divorced and prioritized their new partners.

Perhaps even more sad is the lack of emotional support. My parents have never had the maturity to help me with any of my own challenges. I’d never call them if I needed help. I cannot imagine what’s it’s like to have parents who make you feel safe, who could provide an emotional, financial or practical safety net. That’s the thing I mourn.

I got 300 approx for an abortion in my early 20's and €11,300 when my father died.

Nothing else.

I know some people who’ve had so much help! It must be amazing. My parents paid for uni. My mum likes to think she bought a large ticket baby item like the cot or buggy for us (she didn’t). And when she stayed when I had a 3 yr old and 2 week old baby in winter she broke our washing machine and didn’t offer to put her hand in her pocket to pay for its repair. Can you tell I’m a bit sore about that still! She’s very well off but not a naturally generous person, eg if we go to a cafe while visiting her we pay (and one time we spent £100s flying to see them and car hire and I asked her to pick up a packet of nappies as we were arriving so late at night and the next day she asked me for the tenner it had cost!) but I’m used to it. It’s just how she is. I look forward to being generous with my own children.

Absolutely none until last year when my DF gave me £1k. He's on his way out with cancer and said he wanted me to have the money now so he could see me spend and enjoy it whilst he's still here.

I’ve been very privileged, my parents paid for all my driving lessons , bought my first car & lent me the money ( 40k ) to buy my first home 25 years ago . I paid every penny of that back through .
My dad will still slip me ‘ a couple of quid’ when I’m going on holiday for example . Wedding was contributed to .
Tbf there’s not really anything I could ask them for that if they had they wouldn't give me or my sibling .
also babysat regularly and rarely , if ever said no !
I got a generous inheritance from one of my grandparents so I’m basically set for life ( am 46 ) as long as I’m careful . Truly blessed with my family

Very odd relationship with my parents. Dad was always off the scene. Mum, We get on, live close to eachother but hardly see eachother. She doesn’t like to babysit my children so I dont really dare to ask unless I’m desperate. She hardly keeps contact unless I text or call her. She never calls her grandchildren, often forgets birthdays, and doesn’t think to even take them the park. Infact she’s just has 2 weeks of work for annual leave and not visited the kids once. There’s never been a “we’re going nans this weekend” kind of moment. She never comes to my house, I have to visit her to hold up the relationship which I do. No financial help in early adulthood at all, ever, my mum never managed her money well and never had enough to spare either so if anything she relied more on my board payments than anything else.
but people are who they are and she is my mum ❤️

Jesus that's cruel. Neglect is a serious form of abuse.

I'm sorry, not least because even if you are content now, it must have been unbearably hard as a child.

My parents have given me loads of support - not just financial (driving lessons, contribution to wedding, contribution to house deposit) but also emotional (always there for me if I need them) and help with childcare (they used to pick up the DC from school once a week and look after them until I got home). They have done similar for my brother. I realise that I am very lucky, and we have a very close and loving relationship.

I wouldn't hold breath waiting for your parents to change, just don't expect anything will-wise because you've never had or got anything from them really before and if I were you I'd let them get on with themselves; Also, you know they'll be able to afford their nursing home fees when the time comes
They dont deserve you my love; you're pearls and diamonds before swine
Cut your losses
You cannot make people like you

Absolutely zilch, nothing financially or emotionally. I really have pulled myself up by my bootstraps. It's been hard but I do have the satisfaction of knowing I did it all myself. I do (once in a while) feel a little envious of friends and colleagues who had a leg up in life though. I plan to help my DC where I can.

Not much. I’m 33, kicked out at 18.

Zero money from my parents in my adult life. My mum isn’t well off but isn’t short either but she’s from the generation who think your children get it when you’ve gone. They’d never just think i’ll give my kids 30k each to help with a house deposit. My mum has offered to loan money for house deposit but I wouldn’t have accepted that offer as then i’d have to factor in repayment.

I think my parents were actual church mice. Never had anything to give, in any sense.

Did you not challenge your parents about the unfairness of this?

One thing I know: no matter how much you do for your children there will be other parents (seemingly) doing more.

We helped ours out a lot, but it doesn't seem like it, as they have wealthy friends whose parents have paid for private school, bought their children cars, paid for a full gap year's travel, paid all of uni and post graduate degrees, and, in a couple of cases, bought them actual homes.

Best not to get into comparisons and just be grateful for what you have.

No as challenging my parents results in how dare you followed by the silent treatment , at least I am free of all obligations my brothers are still trying to win their approval

Literally nothing, no help with uni or buying house etc.

Two thousand and fifty pounds. One thousand for my first computer in 1989. About one thousand for veneers. Fifty pounds to bale me out of a financial shortfall in 1988 when I was a student