How much help have you had from parents in life?

[Bitesize89]

I never thought anything of it until I met my DH and his family. His parents have sacrificed so much for him and helped him with uni, housing prices and constant help whenever needed. It's made me wonder. As a kid my parents were fairly well off they ot me through sports which I am grateful for and though uni education very grateful for that. I was never allowed to have friends over after they built their own house so from 14 onwards as they were afraid of house parties and that I'd somehow break anything ( Inever broke anything). When I turned 18 my dad kicked me out and told me paid for all my uni and housing which I am very grateful for but I wanted to do a year abroad before and they said I wouldn't get help with uni if I did that. They are retired now and since then I haven't gotten anything from them. I don't know if that's normal or not but they never offered to pay for my wedding or help with a house deposit. To bring context they have a house worth over 1 million and my dad said he got a big stick payout in his retirement. I know Its not my money and they can do what they want, my partner this ks it's weird that they never offer to help. When our DD was born his parents gave us money to put for her education ect mine haven't but I'm not resentful. Just wondering is it strange to have parents not help when they can afford to?

No rent when I lived with them, driving lessons, help with uni so I came out with only a small debt (tuition fees a lot cheaper than now and I worked too!), most of wedding, washing machine in first flat. 1 day childcare for 2 years for 1st child (not 2nd). No money towards buying house etc. but I would never expect that and I'm lucky and grateful of the help I've had. It's more help than I am likely to be able to give my DC but they will still benefit from the things I do give them - stable upbringing, no rent etc.

They paid for my wedding. That has literally been it.

My parents gave some money towards my wedding and house deposit and have put aside another bit of of money for me- they gave the same amount to my siblings. My DB isn't married but got the same lump sum value as my sister and me. They are fairly scrupulous about ensuring fairness between us all and I have a feeling that if my brother does get married they will give us all another lump sum, just to be fair.

They've told us that when they both die anything they have will be left equally between the 3 of us.

My sister and I hope that they spend their money on an enjoyable and comfortable retirement. My brother is a bit weird when it comes to money so would prefer for them to leave the house entirely to him and for it all to be intact. Very strange and I can see a falling out in our future.

Financial, zero because they’re poor. Emotional - they’ve always encouraged me to pursue whatever life I wanted and never placed any expectations on me.

My parents gave us £3k for our wedding, my PIL gave us the same towards our first home purchase.
My DM has friends who have been emotionally blackmailed into downsizing ASAP and giving their children ££££.

Also, need to remember (sometimes for my own sanity), that I was charged my entire summers' wages as rent - by my parents - in the summer after my first year at university. Never went back home after that. It was cheaper to stay in my uni town and at least have agency over my own money etc.
Of course my parents "absolutely do not remember this happening".

Where shall I begin -

They had one child to dedicate everything on me. This was back in my country of origin.
Paid for all degrees up to PhD (in the uk).
Helped with house deposits
Paid for a beautiful wedding by the sea in country of origin
paid for honeymoon
showered gifts for both kids births
dad contributes a lump sum each year for me and both DC birthdays to put away for their university
pay for all our flights home to Asian country of origin once a year and all expenses whilst there.

Am so incredibly fortunate. They’ve got to see their only kid make Professor in the UK in her mid 30s, got to see their DGS and DGD for so many holidays and cuddles - long may they yet live.

Nothing for me… not for uni, not for accommodation, not for house deposit, not for anything.
i did once run a credit card debt of 5k and they paid that off for me though. They also paid for my driving licence and holidays until i no longer wanted to go with them (20-21) But thats all. I worked 20hrs a week while doing uni.
I am hoping i will be able to pay tuition fee for my kids if they chose to go to uni. I am hoping to pay for their driving licence. We have a house big enough so they dont have to worry about not having a room (my parents moved and i lost my bedroom when i was 20!)
life would have been so much easier and i wouldnt have had to struggle through uni… but they did not have mich money. My mum has only her GCSEs. My dad alevel.
i am currently doing a doctorate as a mature student, i think i did well even though im not rich

£150 when I got married. They both have money but this is for their second families. Put myself through uni, paid for house deposit and wedding. Husband brought me a car and taught me to drive at 26yrs.

inheritance I’ve been told is for the younger siblings as they are ‘younger and need it’ there is 10 yrs max between us.

Both sides do nothing with my kids. Hurts but I’m over it.

Supported me through uni (although I lived at home so no accommodation expenses). Bought me a car at the end of uni.
Now help with DC clothing and presents.

My dad contributed £3000 to my wedding. Beyond that, I left home at 16 and I was on my own from then on. Unlike all of my three siblings, I got no moving out money, no help to study beyond my GCSEs, no help with housing or bills, even when I had bailiffs banging on my door. I did it all myself. Meanwhile my younger brother got his uni all paid for, a car and driving lessons, a deposit for his first flat and countless other help with silly things like a free taxi service to and from the airport for his holidays. My older sister has had thousands from my mum, which she'll never pay back. My older brother (middle child like me) had slightly more help than me, he at least got a lump sum when he went off to uni as well as a wedding contribution.

They looked after me as a child and loved me but other than that not much. They worked as a labourer and a cleaner respectively so never had any money or assets and they didn't really value education, books or culture and I was actively dissuaded from going to university. I'm gifted at music (which I studied to Masters level) and this was discovered during testing at primary school but my parents didn't have the money or inclination to support this if it weren't for a very kind teacher who arranged funding for me I'd never have started learning the violin at all.

I love my parents but I've never had any help from them beyond being fed and clothed as a child.

None. We didn’t have much growing up (2 bed flat and had to share a room with my sister which i hated) we paid for our own wedding and house deposit. I put myself through uni, paid for my own driving lessons & bought my own car. my mum died before i had children and my dad didn’t really bother. Ended up with not much inheritance as my dad had no will, dragged through courts for years and he had a load of debt 🙄 my husband also got no financial help and is no contact with his family so will not get any money when they die either!

we both worked hard (he built a business rather than go to uni) and have saved hard and have a nice house, decent cars & money in savings accounts for the kids as well as life insurance. Our kids will get more help than we did so hopefully won’t struggle but they won’t just be handed it i expect them to work hard and save / build their own futures. Same with child care i’ll help out but i don’t want to do every day child care because i’ve done my time and it’s been bloody exhausting doing it on my own. Of course i won’t want my kids to suffer and have no help but again they can’t just expect it as one day i might not be here.

friends have had varying amounts some inherited loads, some had cars bought for them, flats rented etc and some got nothing like me but regular child care seems to be a big one they get which is the saddest part for me

Fed and clothed as child, housed till 18. Paid reduced commercial rent as their lodger between flats.

No car, winter coat, furniture, housing, jewellery, whatever, since then.

When I was very ill, very suddenly, my DGM and uncle paid the medical bills at their request because my parents didn’t want to dip into savings.

They bought a new kitchen and went on holiday that month. DGM had given them their house as a wedding present.

I supported them by looking after the house, cats, etc during their 7 holidays a year.

Inheritances were not shared.

I’m ashamed of them.

My mother and father came from very poor backgrounds. My mother's grandparents lived in cellars with their 9 children.

My mother lost her mother at 20 and was the only one of 8 to go to College. By 20 she was keeping her father, her brother and her sister ( all unemployed - 1920s depression). She married late as she couldn't abandon her family. She never owned a house as women couldn't get a mortgage. She rented a flat requisitioned by the council from the railway during WW2 when she had 2 children. My father disappeared when I was 1 and never paid us any money .

My father left school at 11 and started working in a textile factory. His father couldn't read or write and died when he fell into machinery at the factory. My father was 15 and as an apprentice was keeping himself and his mother.

Neither were in a position to make great savings but my mother gave me £100 when I was 21.

I went to Uni ( grant and work ) and worked to 67. I worked from home when my children were little. My mother being insistent that I should never give up a job. As a single parent I was able to save and support my children through Uni and then give my children deposits for a house. I don't really have much savings now though.

Nothing. No extra curricular stuff as a kid. No driving lessons. No uni assistance. No house deposit help. No childcare help.

I've never even lent a tenner off my mum or dad, never mind been helped and housed through uni.

Had a job from 14 to pay for anything that was "a want" (eg shoes that I wouldn't get picked on about or a treat).

Stopped speaking to my dad age 18 (he was an abusive parent).

My mum is rather childlike even now. I learnt from very young that I couldn't rely on either of my parents for much.

I see other people that have grown up with emotional support and the security of knowing they have a kind, protective, supportive family and see that they have almost like a ready brek glow about them from that. They've grown up and continue to have this strong foundation and it must be lovely. I try very hard not to be jealous.

I agree with another poster it's made me resilient. But sometimes it would be nice to take a break from being resilient tbh.

My BIL had well-off parents. He went to grammar school, then uni where he got the minimum maintenance loan (due to wealthy parents) but his parents refused to give him a penny towards his studies or accommodation. He worked himself to the bone all through uni to pay for everything. To this day, 15yrs on, his father is stingy, cold and quite uncaring.

I came from a poor background with lots of adverse experiences (abuse, chaotic house moves, bullying, trauma in spades). I left home when I was 18. My mum has never lent me any money. I doubt she would lend me money anyway if she had it - that privilege is reserved for my brother!

My husband's mum sold her house (in a very cheap area) and few years ago. That was enough to give my husband a deposit for our first home. Without that, we never would have got on the ladder. Eternally grateful. She hasn't got much money these days but everything she has, goes towards her family.

It's partly about willingness, partly about ability to help.

My parents have always helped me out to some extent, probably more now than they did when I was younger. They covered my accommodation cost through uni, but I paid for everything else myself. They never charged me rent to live at home (until I over out at 25). My dsis still lives at home with our parents in her 40's and they've never charged her rent or asked her to contribute financially to household bills.

My parents worked hard, had good jobs and a good sized house, but were always quite frugal with money when we were kids - they drove old bangers, we only went on camping holidays, never abroad, and we almost never ate out or had takeaways. But we wanted for nothing, they covered all the costs of hobbies, school trips etc without ever questioning the cost of anything.

Now they're long retired, and they seem to have more money than they know what to do with - very good final salary pensions, a BTL property and a second home (only to come and stay near me and my DC). They also inherited a decent amount from my paternal grandparents, and somewhat unexpectedly the same again from my uncle who died relatively young.

So now they help me out quite a bit - they gifted all of us very generous house deposits (worked out to 25% in my case), from their inheritance windfalls. They come and visit often and help out loads with my DC. If we go out for a meal together they always pay, won't let me, they help but the DC school uniform and get them expensive birthday and Christmas presents.

Growing up I often felt like I didn't see much of my dad (he seemed like a bit of a workaholic, sometimes didn't get home until 7pm). But now he spends so much time grandparenting that it's more than made up for it. And I suppose his hard working when I was a kid helped him to have the strong pension that's now helping them support me and the grandkids.

My parents seemed to lose interest in me when I got to about 14. I was a plain child and my sister the golden princess. I was told to get a p/t job if I wanted "fancy" clothes so I got a job in the chip shop. To be fair there was little money around (1950s) and my father was the sole earner. He considered it a dsgrace for my mother to work outside the home. That did not prevent my parents from treating me like an ATM from the age of 16 when I began work. I was not allowed to stay on and do A levels. Later when I wanted to do a professional qualification which would have vastly increased my earning power, the answer was again NO. I was entitled to a full maintanance grant. However I could not have afforded to pay my mother the same amount for my "keep" as had been possible on a full time salary. Instead I worked for 3 years to take my professional exams part time. On completing my qualifications I was promoted to professional grade. I found my own flat and moved out soon afterwards. When I told my mother I was moving out she had a fit of hysterics. My young sister had recently had an unplanned child and had to give up work, leaving my father the sole earner again. She asked me "How are we supposed to manage on one man's wages?" Not my problem mum. You reap what you sow.

I feel a bit hard done by if I’m honest, but maybe I’m being ridiculous. My parents helped both my sisters with uni. Fully funded one, and paid rent for the other. I got a 3 month secretarial course and my board with an aunty paid for. I didn’t get any cash assistance for uni or when I was a struggling 17 year old living out of home earning basically nothing despite working full time, and paying my own way. but I did live with them for cheap board while I was working for a few years after that and before I went to uni, so I guess they consider that their contribution. For my wedding I got AUD5k, and each of my children got I think $2k when they were born. They paid for me to fly from London to Australia for my sister’s wedding when I said I would not attend as I could not afford the flight. That has been the full extent of their financial assistance. I live in a different state to my parents (in Australia). If I ever want my mum to visit to help with the kids, I pay for her flights.

My Dad gave me a dirty look when he found out DH’s father gave him money for a house deposit, as if to say we had conned FIL out of his money. It was effectively DH’s inheritance from his mother. FIL was getting remarried, and this was his way of ensuring his children got their share of money from their mother. We are assuming there will be no inheritance when FIL dies as it will go to his new wife (not so new anymore).

I had a very comfortable and stable upbringing but once I reached 18 that was pretty much it.

My parents are wealthy but have never given me anything since I became an adult. Financially, logistically and emotionally I have had to sort everything out myself. Even when I had DS they didn’t help at all despite me facing huge childcare bills. I’ve never expected anything but as the years have passed it does seem a bit strange as all they’re doing is creating a huge IHT bill. I’ve told them before they should spend their money on themselves but they don’t listen. They will end up with an enormous tax charge. It just seems such a waste to me.

DH’s parents are also comfortably off but again he has never received anything from them. They are very much of the view that he’s well educated enough to stand on his own 2 feet.

I don’t really care that we get no help as I’m used to it now but it can be a bit galling when other couples we know who work far less and in far more junior roles than we do are in a better financial position than us entirely down to family support especially when our families have effectively chosen to pay a huge tax bill rather than help us.

Shocked you seem so fixated on the financial aspect.

I consider I had heaps of help from my parents, but I never received a cent.

When I was young they helped me by teaching me the importance of school and that hard work was necessary to get along in life. Whenever I came home after being given a school project, they took me straight down to the newsagency to get whatever supplies I needed, such as cardboard for a poster or styrofoam balls for planets, glue if needed etc. They took an interest in my schoolwork, and helped if I needed it and they were able, otherwise they marched me around the neighbours to find someone who could.

They didn’t have money to send me to private school, so they investigated scholarships and sent through applications to enable me to go to a good school to assist with required marks for uni. It did mean living out of home a good distance away, but they gave me self-belief I could do it. They showed pride in my achievements and taught me I shouldn’t settle. They were genuinely thrilled for me when I got a decent overseas posting, which back in the day of really expensive air travel and very expensive long distance calls, meant I would not see them for several years and we’d only talk on special occasions.

When I eventually ‘came home’ we were still a plane ride apart so they couldn’t help with kids etc, but on the rare occasions we’d briefly visit them, they would proudly march the kids around the neighbourhood. They were pensioners, not well off, so we certainly didn’t expect a cent from them! None of this transactional ‘enjoy your shitty nursing home’ guff you get on Mumsnet.

I consider they helped me immeasurably, there is no way I’d be where I ended up in life if not for them, and that has been of great assistance for my kids, so I’ll be forever grateful.

Nothing, they did very little during my childhood, so I never really expected anything of them as an adult.
I didn't have any support from them emotionally or otherwise, and I've been NC with them for most of my adulthood.

My.mom.was not in.a financial situation to help.me. left widowed mid 40s with 5 children. When I bought my house she bought me a vacuum cleaner and a lawnmower, for which i was eternally grateful. I think even if she had the means she would not have given me much financial help and I probably would have respected this. Uni- days of the full grant good job or I would never have gone. In my job in education it was more normal for colleagues to tell me how they were paying deposits and for weddings than not.

Had loads of practical help.with sitting in for deliveries, cleaning my house (i did pay her) etc and nuggets of 'wisdom '

A family support network can provide:

Moral support:emotional connection, guidance and a sounding board for tough times in life.

Practical support: an example that springs to mind is a friends family being tradespeople and having her house renovated including a loft conversion for materials cost only.

Childcare support: childcare is shared amongst family like grandparents which helps with work and in turn family finances too. Also good for your marriage if you can have marriage date nights if grandparents can have kids for sleepovers etc.

Financial support: self explanatory, a privilege to have things like house deposit covered, one off big expenses, even new winter coats for kids.

I have never received any form of support. I never had my own room from age 15 and slept in the new "guest" room of parents house as they wanted younger brother to have my room and make his old room into a "guest" room mainly for a pc desk, bookshelf and futon...I was told once 16 I'd pay rent or would be out. At 16 (mid 00's) I had to pay £30 a week rent and all my own things like clothing etc. At 18 it changed to £50 a week. I was homeless at 18 and half as mum would have manic episodes and I was chucked out/sofa surfing about 14 times between age 16-18. I ended up just walking into police station one day to say I had nowhere to live and they connected me to the council homeless and I was in a few different units.

But I was told from as early as I can remember once I'm 16 I'm on my own, i was an accidental pregnancy coupled with gender disappointment as they wanted a boy and named me the female version of the male name they had picked out...

As an adult there has been zero support.

I have a long term private therapist who I lean on in difficult times, for instance I had a bad car accident and so I took a few sessions. I take maybe a handful of session each year but at this point it is no longer therapy but more like a sounding board and life advice. So in a way I can replicate a form of moral support.

I can't replicate childcare like for marriage date nights, practical help or financial support...

In contrast I am a devoted mum myself and I try my best at being a parent, I'm not perfect as no parent is but I am trying - all while no contact with all my family for years.

When I was married I always found it odd that my husband's parents are so wealthy yet weren't interested in giving him any help. He got through university with huge loans while my parents are less wealthy but helped me as much as they could.

When my husband died, my brother was going to pay for the funeral costs since his parents didn't want to help and I was waiting for the life insurance. They did pay in the end but it became embarrassingly awkward. They've never offered anything towards my son, whereas my mum will buy his school shoes or pay for an extra curricular activity for him. I'm not sure whether they will leave anything in their will for my son but the taxman will get a nice payout.