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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is she wrong

180 replies

prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 13:16

ok - i am doing this for a friend who is in a bit of a muddle - and yes it really is for a friend.

She has been seeing a man for about 8 months who was married. seperated when they started seeing each other. he wont divorce his wife - alarm bells there. he wont tell her he is seeing her. alarm bells again but the situation is slightly complicated so she let it drop. he spends time with his wife as friends, which my friend has always been cool with as she feels it is best for their children if they get on. He went out with them on sunday night for his ex wifes sons birthday, told her he would be ignoring her for the night and then got drunk and spent the night with her. he was still incommunicado monday afternoon at which point she freaked. she has just had enough. He finally responded tuesday afternoon to tell her he slept in the boys room on sunday and ignored her on monday night as she was overreacting.

now if it were me i would have gone nuts. he has a history of cheating and has been caught lying to her a few times. what would you say.

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 30/05/2008 13:19

Get her to read your post. The answer should be pretty obvious.

mumblechum · 30/05/2008 13:20

Sounds like he's keeping all options open.

SmugColditz · 30/05/2008 13:23

Well, he's successfully bagged himself a mistress.....

snowleopard · 30/05/2008 13:25

Hmm, what a catch. get rid get rid.

I would say "I know he's your boyfriend but if this was a friend's partner, you'd see clearly that he looks like a rude, lying, untrustworthy git".

I would also say "cut your losses, do you want to be ditching him now after 8 months, or a few years down the line possibly with children involved, because one way or the other it's not going to last"

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 13:26

funnily enough thats what she said. when one of her friends confronted him about his response was "if being honest is a crime i am guilty - she knew where i was and is it also a crime to get on with my wife" - urrgg hello - ex????????

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 13:26

she already has a child with him. like i said. complicated. he doesnt bother to let anyone know he sees him either.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 30/05/2008 13:34

A premature baby, I take it, as you say they've been together about 8 months. Fast work.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 13:36

complicated. cant say too much without revealing who she is. not really fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 13:39

what i can say is he has been in her life for around ten years or so on and off and was her first love well before he was married so its not easy for her to just cut her losses. i personally however think she needs to accept that he doesnt love her, never has loved her and never will and is stringing her along because he knows he can and will get away with it. and she knows it as well.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 30/05/2008 13:39

Well, from the little you've been able to say, it sounds as if she would be a great deal better off leaving the fellow and looking for one of her own who is able to be a full time partner, if not parent, and doesn't ignore her in public. Easy to say of course.

LynetteScavo · 30/05/2008 13:40

I wouldn't go nuts... I just wouldn't bother with him anymore.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 13:53

whats really funny is he actually tried to persuade her it was her fault and she is mental. nice

OP posts:
wannaBe · 30/05/2008 14:39

I would say that I bet he isn't really split from his wife.

alsoprettyfly · 30/05/2008 14:43

Wow this is fun - I am the evil man spoken of in the OP...

I don't usually take flamebait but lets have a fight on the internet for giggles!!!

What prettyfly1 (not doing this for a friend it is her by the way) fails to mention is that she is the reason my marriage broke up.

She was an ex girlfriend I had a really bad argument with my wife went out to let off some steam one thing lead to another and she got pregnant and kept the baby.

Now I am in no way condoning my behaviour in any way, but hardly the whiter than white appearance she lead you to believe.

It's not that I wont divorce my wife but within the first 2yrs you have to have good reason. The one night stand as detailed above happened nearly 4yrs ago so we have another 18 months to go and I am not getting remarried so have no pressing need to.

Now I have a son with my ex wife that I held from birth and spent every day with until we seperated.

The reason my relationship with prettyfly is not public is because I am worried what my wife will do to my relationship with my son. She told me in no uncertain terms that I could be with anyone in the world and she would be fine with it apart from the one woman who wrecked our marriage.

The truth of the matter is I value my friendship with my wife and although we never got on well in a physical sense she is one of my best friends.

Now I could have quite easily said I was staying with a friend and none of these issues would have arisen. But being the idiot I am I told the truth and told her where I was. I also said that I would be ignoring her (ie switching off my phone) as I didn't want 300 texts/calls during the time I spent with my wife/kids.

If I choose to stay the night at her house then that is my decision and it is your own insecurity that caused the problem not mine.

So airing your problems on the web and telling me to go look at it to make you feel better is not the most adult thing to do...

Hope you find someone who can be as obsessed with you as you are with them I really do.

NotABanana · 30/05/2008 14:45
Hmm
edam · 30/05/2008 14:49

What a charmer. I hardly think prettyfly is to blame for the break-up of your marriage! You chose to sod off, don't try to dump the responsibility on anyone else.

ScoobyDoo · 30/05/2008 14:53

The best thing prettyfly can do is to get rid of you!

sounds like you love the attention coming from women all over the place.

If your marriage has ended why do you have to turn your phone off when your there? why still hiding things? surly your now "ex wife" has no say over who rings & texts you while you are there?

kiwibella · 30/05/2008 14:54

I enjoyed reading this post but I feel sad that you both needed to post here to get your messages across to one another. Pick up a phone or send an email.

Flyguy - it's admirable that you want to maintain a cordial relationship with your wife and share the responsibility of parenting your children.

However, it's unfair to say that flygal "wrecked" your marriage. You went there in the first place and, it seems, have continued to do so until recently.

Flygal - pick up your dignity and walk away.

ScoobyDoo · 30/05/2008 14:55

Hey & if we all acted like you when we "had a really bad argument" with our partners the world would be a shit place! bloody stupid excuse to cheat on your wife in my opinion.

alsoprettyfly · 30/05/2008 14:59

Agreed Edam/Scooby/Kiwi we had other issues in our relationship and that just brought it to a head...

I would explain in detail but I would rather not air any more of my dirty laundry in public.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 15:20

no but i will. i have been a member of this site for four years. in that time i have never hidden how i conceived my son. i was twenty two and had a drunken one night stand with a man whom i had loved since i was twenty two. a man who was married. i was ashamed of it and went into hiding. i never asked for anything and to this day never have. when he came back after they seperated i took him back no questions asked and there have been other issues with us that i too would prefer were not mentioned as they involve our son. i am not perfect. but i love my son and i loved him. in many ways when he is good he is my best friend but staying at his wifes is not something he told me about. and i would have said no. i have a vile temper and am stubborn and a bitch but i didnt deserve to have you come on here and talk about me like a cockroach. like some dirt you picked up under your feet. so if you feel like that for me then pick yourself up, and for once in ten years walk away and let me have my life. let me have my son and let me move on. you came back. i didnt. if you want your wife go to her. but let me be free. if you ever cared about me at all give me that. all i wanted you to see in doing this is that i wasnt crazy and that other women would feel the way that i did - insecure, frightened, uncertain and angry. instead i have seen that i am crazy. to ever think i was more to you then a sxxt you could pick up and use then ditch - publically - when i caused you too much trouble. have it your way. just let me be free. washing load done

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 15:22

seventeen even

OP posts:
madamez · 30/05/2008 15:23

FFS the pair of you! GO and tell your story to Take A Break, you might get a few quid for it. WHich you could use to purchase some dignity with.

hullygully · 30/05/2008 15:27

I think it's fantastic. Who said what to who next? And then what?

Limara · 30/05/2008 15:33

Hmmm, IMO, sounds like him and his ex wife siding with each other and blaming HER for the breakdown of THEIR marriage?

scapegoat?