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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is she wrong

180 replies

prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 13:16

ok - i am doing this for a friend who is in a bit of a muddle - and yes it really is for a friend.

She has been seeing a man for about 8 months who was married. seperated when they started seeing each other. he wont divorce his wife - alarm bells there. he wont tell her he is seeing her. alarm bells again but the situation is slightly complicated so she let it drop. he spends time with his wife as friends, which my friend has always been cool with as she feels it is best for their children if they get on. He went out with them on sunday night for his ex wifes sons birthday, told her he would be ignoring her for the night and then got drunk and spent the night with her. he was still incommunicado monday afternoon at which point she freaked. she has just had enough. He finally responded tuesday afternoon to tell her he slept in the boys room on sunday and ignored her on monday night as she was overreacting.

now if it were me i would have gone nuts. he has a history of cheating and has been caught lying to her a few times. what would you say.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 15:33

ooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh - not a bad idea. they use pictures dont they. that would mess up any more lies. nice one. and i do believe there is a no abuse policy on this site madamez - use it.

OP posts:
Limara · 30/05/2008 15:35

There is alot of pain in this post, we should respect this madamez?

Limara · 30/05/2008 15:39

prettyfly1, feel for you. Move on, easier said than done I know, try and be dignified, I think you know what the crack is.

Good luck.

wannaBe · 30/05/2008 15:41

grow up the pair of you.

Fgs you're behaving like a couple of 5 year olds.

Either you want to be together or you don't.

But all this arguing on a public website is just attention seaking (and presumably op has told the man in her life her username otherwise how else would he have found this thread so quickly) .

ScoobyDoo · 30/05/2008 15:43

prettyfly, i really feel for you, i am sorry you are having to go through this.

I think it is time for you to walk away, this man obviously does not know how to treat a women right, he obviously had problems in his marriage in the first place to go off looking for more BUT after all this time/hurt/confusion i think you should walk away with your head held high.

You know everyone deserves to be loved, cared for & adored & this man is far from doing this to you/for you.

My personal feeling is from his posts, that he still wants to be with his wife, he messed up but maybe there is always that little bit of hope still there?

Move on, life is to short....

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 16:09

thanks to the girls who showed support. i did tell him about this thread - out of desperation to make him see that its not jsut me - no woman would have been cool with that situation. i didnt expect his response but to be fair at least now i knwo the truth. part of me wants to scream and shout and hurt him and it would be easy. i know where his wife is and he is tighter that a gnats you know what with money but its not worth it and she has already suffered enough as well. instead its best to call an end to this whole sorry situation. alsopretty. good luck and try and work it out. enjoy your life. i am ashamed like i already told you but its my fault for allowing myself to be lied to for so long. at the very least i deserve respect and i want that. so best wished and girls if you dont hear from me for a bit i am fine.

OP posts:
Limara · 30/05/2008 16:15

Stay strong, from what you say, your doing the right thing IMO.

snowleopard · 30/05/2008 16:32

prettyfly I would just say this. Sometimes it's possible to suddenly start seeing clearly, and see that the person you think you love is actually not that person after all. You've spent so much of your life hankering after this man - and yet I'd guess that your strong feelings for him arise out of a youthful and unrealistic passion that was not actually about the real him anyway. You're still young, you can leave him behind and stop needing him like this. Good luck, there's better waiting for you out there.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 16:37

thankyou. i never needed him - i raised my son for three years completely alone and actually very happy but you are probably right about the rest of it and it is time. its humiliating to hear the truth about what someone you love thinks of you on a website but at least its the truth. at last. the ironic thing is i just signed up to some dating sites and he knows about it. i should have expected punishment for that somewhere along the line. just not quite this severe.

OP posts:
warthog · 30/05/2008 16:58

prettyfly, i think you need to move on from this guy who seems unable to take responsibility for his part.

alsoprettyfly,

beaniesteve · 30/05/2008 17:09

Do you talk in real life?

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 17:15

lol - when i am happy to talk about sex or not asking anything of him. yes. when he knows i am mad at him. no. he turns his phone off. which he has done. for a week. hence the admittely desperate attempt to get him to see how much sunday night hurt. i feel like being sick and wish i had never started this but god knows i have carried this for a long time. i have to get my son in ten minutes and i have no idea how to tell him daddy will do one again. the worst is i always end up feeling like its my fault. i was proud of his friendship with his wife but i was in no doubt that i was the mistress all over again and even tho i knew it seeing it in black and white is a bit more then i can bear right now. i dont feel like i can breathe. one minute i want to phone her and scream about what he has done and god knows i have left a fair few messages saying that, the next i want to cry because i really wanted to believe he loved me and our son and now having it written that i am second best, in a way i cant lie to myself over anymore. just makes me wish i could pick up and run and never see him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 17:17

and i only feel safe saying that because knowing he is being critisced by other people and has shown publically what i have seen for a long time behind closed doors means he wont look at this any more. he doesnt like to feel like the bad guy.

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 30/05/2008 17:23

You should pick up and run and never see him again. He talks of his relationship with his son (with his wife) but appears to not care so much about the child he has had with you. Who is this helping?
Not you, not your son, certainly not his wife (Ex Wife). Calling her up and ranting is not going to make you look like a reasonable person TBH.

wonderstuff · 30/05/2008 17:27

What a horrid man, hope that for your sons sake he grows up a little, you are well rid of him he is being completly unreasonable.

WonderingWhy · 30/05/2008 17:28

Gosh he really is a class A sht, and posting on here about the way you are to blame for his actions (duh, she got pregnant and, duh, kept it, what an evil bitch, I was nothing to do with it ) has donehim no favours, as we all now can see he is a sht and therefore he is a verified sh*t.

Prettyfly, take your dignity and run with it.

FAST!

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 17:40

thanks guys. like i said. having read that back i have a growing suspicion that this has more to do with me saying i wanted to start seeing other people then anything else. he isnt very nice about the wife normally - definately wont share that trust me it isnt nice - and he is worse about our son as a whole. again i wont speak about that too much as up until recently he ahsd been doing better with him but yes. i know your right and in many ways my head is relieved. in the last six months, since he lied to me about it the first time i have grwon more and moreparanoid and insecure - payback i suppose for seeing a married man in the first place. it doesnt make me feel better to see you all slate him funnily enough though. it just hurts because you are all saying exactly the same stuff to me that i said to him and i really really wanted it not to be true.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 17:49

and just because i really cant tell anyone i know about this - all i wil hear is told you so - so this is pretty much my only escape - i am really struggling to be reasonable right now. i want to scream. i have switched my phones off to shut myself up but christ its hard. i jsut feel like i have been punched.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 18:01

and i should say the reason he doesnt talk about my son is because he walked away when he was born and has never felt like he was his. thats why he mentions being there since his other son was born. the irony of it all is that his wife says the same about the difference between his son and the one from his wifes first relationship. the more i read through all this,the more it shows how stupid i have been because i knew all of this. i have said it myself for months. all of it. and i lied to myself through the whole thing. all of the times he told me it was me he loved - through all of his marriage - natch. all of the times i persuaded myself i was insane to doubt him. all of the times i ignored my friends and family and dragged my own name down to defend him to everyone. i am such a fool. and the worst of it is i am not a jeremy kyle wannabe by any stretch. while he was away i started my own company,passed my driving test and created a life from nothing. i will finish my degree in december after studying for it on top of a part time job and i respected myself. what a fecking eeeejit i truly am.

OP posts:
Limara · 30/05/2008 18:23

Your not an eeeejit, cut yourself some slack. Bit naff I know but time is a great healer, give yourself the summer to recover and be kind to yourself. Been there, got the t-shirt

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 18:37

what at least a hundred times in ten years. he even dragged me through a dna test. i still didnt learn. i just wish id never met him. i have gone to a mates house now. bless his heart he has taken my son and my phone so i cant say anything else and embarass myself further. he has left me a ton of icecream and a load of vodka so i think its sorrow drowning o clock. i just wish i could stop feeling so angry. i had an early mc about a month ago and have been on steroids since to save my womb and they really are not helping how bad i feel right now. and i know time will heal it. i had a nice life and was very balanced before he came back but right now it just fecking hurts.

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 30/05/2008 18:47

Your life can surely only be better without him in it. He does not sound all that great does he really.......

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 18:51

oh dont get me wrong. he can be. but he is also a bloke and lets be fair. he didnt want me until his wife didnt want him.i didnt exactly make him work for it and he has taken full advantage until now. when it came down to it i was just a sxxg - i thnink his post pretty much says it all, and he has never behaved any differently. but nobody made me do it. i knew all of the above but i stayed so realistically i am the one to blame. he just took it where he could get it and didnt have to work for it.and it shows. i should have known better and had a little bit more respect for myself and also his wife who would be battered if she knew he had been here for the past eight months. he hadnt even left the house when he started staying here so its my fault entirely. all he has done is admit it.

OP posts:
MrsMacaroon · 30/05/2008 19:42

i think you need to work out why you want to be in the kind of relationship that makes you feel shit...seriously. Have you had counselling? What was your relationship with your dad like?

pulls up leather chaise long

wonderstuff · 30/05/2008 19:43

((hugs)) At least you know you can go it alone, you know you will survive this.Well done on degree!

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