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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is she wrong

180 replies

prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 13:16

ok - i am doing this for a friend who is in a bit of a muddle - and yes it really is for a friend.

She has been seeing a man for about 8 months who was married. seperated when they started seeing each other. he wont divorce his wife - alarm bells there. he wont tell her he is seeing her. alarm bells again but the situation is slightly complicated so she let it drop. he spends time with his wife as friends, which my friend has always been cool with as she feels it is best for their children if they get on. He went out with them on sunday night for his ex wifes sons birthday, told her he would be ignoring her for the night and then got drunk and spent the night with her. he was still incommunicado monday afternoon at which point she freaked. she has just had enough. He finally responded tuesday afternoon to tell her he slept in the boys room on sunday and ignored her on monday night as she was overreacting.

now if it were me i would have gone nuts. he has a history of cheating and has been caught lying to her a few times. what would you say.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 30/05/2008 22:51

No argument here - I am doing a FAR better job alone than I ever did with the arsehole H....and am FAR happier

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 22:55

good for you mac and you really were hurt very badly. lets hear it for starting again without them regardless of why it happened or whose fault it was. women shouldnt tear each others hair out over men. they arent worth it.

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macdoodle · 30/05/2008 22:57

Having now been a single parent effectively for 18 months - I have nothing but respect for them (and me) - it is bloody hard work...but not something I would have chosen for me or my children (I think perhaps that was hls' point)...sometimes life does not give you what you want - and sometimes you have to just accept that!
I don't think this thread is the place for a termination debate and though I am pro choice I would NEVER imply or even feel that any child did not deserve to be born - they do not asked to be born into these messes that us adults create and once they are here it is up to us to protect love and cherish them !

macdoodle · 30/05/2008 22:58

We can only try can't we

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 22:58

and i know what you guys think but i really dont want to call him a wanker. he is a man who got himself into one hell of a mess. I was a rebound and i chose that. i think he thought that perhaps if he could make it work with me then at least it would be worth something. also i am very different to his w and i think for a long time that seemed appealing. i am also a hell of a lot more demanding and like i just said to him, in his heart he is still married. i just want to wish him every happiness and i really hope one day i am allowed some myself. and now i am crying. great. for the first time in a fair old while. i am going to look bloody marvellous tomorrow.

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macdoodle · 30/05/2008 22:59

And a word of advice don't believe everything he tells you about his W - when I spoke to OW I was gobsmacked at how he had painted me ....

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 22:59

of course mac. i didnt choose single parent hood. i had dreams of a massive family with a loving husband all of my own. it just didnt work that way so i am making the best of it. its all i can do.

OP posts:
Remotew · 30/05/2008 23:00

Our love for our children lasts much longer, a life time, than our love for a man may.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:01

oh i know exactly how he has painted me. i know his wife a little. she isnt a saint but she isnt evil either and she did love him very much. she was always very insecure about me and it must have hurt her very badly. i cant condone her banning apf from seeing my son even now they have split but i completely understand how she feels about me - i would be the same in her shoes.

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macdoodle · 30/05/2008 23:02

Yup me too
You however are still young enough to find this dream (not with this man I suspect)...I on the other hand am too old bitter and twisted and so will happily be the old hag with cats when my 2 gorgeous girls have grown up and flown away

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:03

and i love my son desperately. naughty little tinker that he is. I do feel i have failed him where his father is concerned but you never know. one day they might be able to work things out for themselves. for now i just have to do the best i can to get us both through this and get on with it.

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Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:04

lol - oh i already have three cats. and dont give up mac. i already thought from your other threads how lovely you sounded. i hope you meet someone nice one day.

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macdoodle · 30/05/2008 23:05

PF - a big part of why H and I will never work - is that I could never find it in my heart to make him choose between me or OW baby - much as I despise OW I could just not do it nor can I live with him as my H having a relationship with them ...I could not make an innocent child suffer for their behaviour or my heartache

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:07

well she could and she did. you must have found that so incredibly hard and every credit to you for being so strong. you really do deserve someone very special because you obviously are.

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macdoodle · 30/05/2008 23:12

Oh I am not so perfect and I very nearly did and he would have he was so desperate to come back....I just couldn't (but it was a close call) when I looked at my DD1 and him together I just could not live with some poor teenage girl knocking at my door many years hence damaged and heartbroken because I made the wrong choice...someone had to put an end to the games and the madness (and trust me there were some pretty bad times).....but it hurts even now every day
But I WILL NOT let the children suffer for our mess (not any of them)!!!!

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:14

no and from the other side neither would i. what i did was dreadful but it was his existing child that stopped me knocking on her door and believe me i came close. i didnt want two children growing up without a father when only one had too. i hope that makes sense.

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macdoodle · 30/05/2008 23:15

But I can understand why she did
And its not about your DS at all its about her taking back some control of her life
But I can also see how that hurts you (and if I am honest I can see why she wanted to do that as well)....but I cannot see why your DS should suffer for you, him or her

Remotew · 30/05/2008 23:15

Mac, you are still young. Now if you were my age! and PF you are still very young. Its onwards and upwards with a few potholes along the way.

macdoodle · 30/05/2008 23:16

I don't feel young

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:17

and mac i know you dont want to see me unhappy but there is an old phrase and it should cheer you at least a little. you marry the mistress you create a vacancy. the reason it fails with the ow so often is not because the man wants it to.. its because the ow knows what her man is capable of and if you know someone has lied for you how can you ever believe that they wont do it to you.

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Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:18

neither do i, and i already have three cats. nice.well on me way i would say

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Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:19

oh believe me mac i can see why she did and believe you me i would almost certainly do the same, i just cant condone it. adn if i were her i would have wanted to hurt me as well. i got off very lightly believe me.

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CatharsisItIs · 30/05/2008 23:23

hls, thank you for not minding if I disagree. Very open minded of you. It's interesting that you know you would have chosen termination in a similar situation because there are always variables beyond anyone's control. Are there not?

My partner had an affair when I was pg. Given that I was 36 weeks at the start of it, termination was certainly not an option. Or, in your view, maybe it was? Rather than bring a poor child into a fatherless family. Or should I have taken him back when he begged so DC would not be fatherless? Lived in fear and pain of his betrayal for evermore? Maybe so.

I though maybe so, I dithered, darn it, Consequentially slept with him once or twice in the months following DC's birth and whaddya know? Pregnant again!!

Terminate my DDC? Never!

Though, I'm sure you'd disagree. You would say I should kill my children's sibling because life might be a touch different for us?

My four children are obviously doomed. At least they would be, but thankfully there are many more open minded and non judgmental people out there who will not seek to make their or my life a misery.

prettyfly and mac, sincere apoligies for butting in! Best wishes to you both.

Remotew · 30/05/2008 23:25

Also the reason it fails with the OW is because she is a constant reminder of the hurt and mess. He can move to the next relationship with a clear conscience (sp). At the same time the OW always remembers the hurt and mess. It can work with the OW but its not all sweetness and light and involves a lot of soul searching on everyones part not least the OW.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:27

ok - i am going to say something now and dont flame me dear lord but i know this is true as i got it from his mother. his wife doesnt like relations shall we say. and once their first son was conceived they stopped. completely. as did all affection. apf is very very physical - thats what he meant by they didnt match in a physical sense and so even though i know its not a popular opinion i can kind of see why he eventually looked elsewhere. i was easy to justify as i had been in his life for a long time and there was always that - in another life thing - with me. I think that at the time i looked like a quick solution to a growing (no pun intended) problem. he certainly didnt mean for me to get pregnant and didnt even think i could have children. he has to live with knowing he has a child he didnt want who he barely knows. he finds that really hard and i know its not popular opinion but i also think thats punishment enough.

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