Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is she wrong

180 replies

prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 13:16

ok - i am doing this for a friend who is in a bit of a muddle - and yes it really is for a friend.

She has been seeing a man for about 8 months who was married. seperated when they started seeing each other. he wont divorce his wife - alarm bells there. he wont tell her he is seeing her. alarm bells again but the situation is slightly complicated so she let it drop. he spends time with his wife as friends, which my friend has always been cool with as she feels it is best for their children if they get on. He went out with them on sunday night for his ex wifes sons birthday, told her he would be ignoring her for the night and then got drunk and spent the night with her. he was still incommunicado monday afternoon at which point she freaked. she has just had enough. He finally responded tuesday afternoon to tell her he slept in the boys room on sunday and ignored her on monday night as she was overreacting.

now if it were me i would have gone nuts. he has a history of cheating and has been caught lying to her a few times. what would you say.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 30/05/2008 23:29

Cath my DD2 was also conceived during an attempted reconciliation with my H - not planned not really an accident I guess (no contraception)...did I consider a termination - if I am honest maybe yes for one tiny fleeting second but not because I didn't think I was more than capable of doing it alone but because I didn't want to bring another innocent child into our mess.....my DD2 is a wonderful happy placid smiley gorgeous baby and I feel blessed every day to have her

Remotew · 30/05/2008 23:30

Well said Cath. I'm butting in also. The love for our children is unconditional as opposed to the love for our man. e.g as long as he provides the money, keeps it in his trousers etc. then everything will be so much better for our DC's.

Anyway will butt out now.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:30

and the man. and honesty. total complete honesty. and he doesnt give me that. i was in esssence a stop gap and i think and hope that if he cant make it work with wife he can move on to a better relationship with someone else. he doesnt deserve to be alone forever for one mistake. and cath thanks. i am sorry you went through that and couldnt agree more.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:31

and yes to both of you. i love my son and i would have loved any other little ones that came along, it just happened that it didnt work out that way. that said i would rather have had a traditional two parent family and the whole " wow your pregnant thing" as opposed to " wow, how soon can we arrange an abortion".

OP posts:
macdoodle · 30/05/2008 23:33

I don't think that excuses him PF - he was more than able to end his relationship with her first before he shagged you no??
And he made the choice not to have a relationship with your DS not anyone else ...so yes he has to live with the consequences ...but it sounds like he is still not making it right ??
He sounds very manipulative to me (and remember I have experience)....and you sound totally caught up in his web
My H told OW that he had slept in spare room for months ....not entirely true and some days he slept with both of us within hours I don't think she ever believed me!

Remotew · 30/05/2008 23:35

PF. I won't flame you for saying that and I know its such a clique. But so many women have the wedding, the children and perfect lives but just don't want to sleep with their DH anymore then are flabbergasted when he strays. At least being single and non-committed we can just finish it once we don't fancy them anymore. .

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:35

and the irony is i did love apf unconditionally. i have never been under any illusions about who or what he is or how he can be. i just wanted to believe that it was my turn i guess and that he felt the same way. which patently isnt true so now i will probably feel like shite for a few days, cry a hell of a lot, feel very bad for all concerned for a lot longer but ultimately go back to living my life on my terms for myself. not that bad really considering.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:37

nice one eve. mac you are right but i know that this one is true. for one thing it didnt come from him. for another we never actually had an affair and by the time i came back on the scene he had been sleeping in the other room for a year - again not from him. i do wonder where some of them get their stamina from though. it would almost be impressive if it werent so low.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:39

i think his thing is he was raised without a father and really didnt want to walk away from his son. again a cliche but in his case its actually true. he is besotted with his eldest child and being apart from him at all kills him.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:46

and like he said, he sees his wife as his best friend and he is in his heart still married. i was just a temporary fix that went horribly wrong.

OP posts:
Remotew · 30/05/2008 23:48

PF you can analise until you are blue in the face. Its obvious how much you are hurting and love him. You also have his child and if he isn't killing over your child but his eldest then you really need to find some strength because your child only has you.

Yes cry for a while but keep focussed and please try not to let him play you. I get the impression that he may from his post. If he really didn't care etc etc.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:55

i dont quite get what you mean eve - if he really didnt care? sorry did i miss that bit. all i saw was i can stay where i want and its none of her business and my wife is my best friend. i dont think he will, he would have already done it. i do love him and it will be a long time before it dies but i want more and this happened because of that. i dont want to be second best or second choice or a temporary fix. i want to be loved. body and soul, heart and mind and he cant do it. he has had plenty of opportunities this week to reassure me or step in and say that she was not what he wanted. he hasnt taken that. there is nothing more desperate then staying with a man who does not love you because you cant let go and the one thing i am not is desperate.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfly1 · 30/05/2008 23:56

hurting. hell yes. desperate. no.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyfly1 · 31/05/2008 00:03

and actually as old fashioned and boring as it sounds i want flowers and chocolates and romance and to get married and adopt a whole huge family if i really cant have more of my own. i want to go and play in the park with my family on a saturday and get drunk in front of jonathon ross on a friday night and jsut be boring. i want commitment. i want a best friend, a lover and a partner. for better and worse. i dont want to be worried about where my other half sleeps. or if i will be the next one he decides isnt quite enough. or to be a secret. i want to be with someone who is proud to say thats my girl. thats my wife. thats the mother of my son. it really is time to move on.

OP posts:
MrsMacaroon · 31/05/2008 00:03

am i right in thinking that you're only 26 years old?

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 31/05/2008 00:05

yes you are. feel about ninety probably look a few years older but yes i am. and i am in no rush to settle down, dont get me wrong but eventually i would like those things. its just taken me a while to accept i wouldnt get that from him.

OP posts:
Dior · 31/05/2008 00:05

Message withdrawn

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 31/05/2008 00:06

oh believe me i dont. in fact nine times out of ten i dont believe anything that doesnt come from someone else first.

OP posts:
Remotew · 31/05/2008 00:07

Sorry PF, I just wondered why he posted earlier if he didn't want to play a little. You told him you were posting but he could have ignored it. How do you feel that he can read this thread? Being careful now what I say!

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 31/05/2008 00:08

and now ladies - thanks for the advice - very much appreciated but i have jsut thrown up the only glass of wine i have had all day so suspect the stress has hit me pretty hard and i am going to bed. night all.

OP posts:
Remotew · 31/05/2008 00:09

You will get all of those things. If that is what you really want!! But with someone else, in time.

Remotew · 31/05/2008 00:10

Night.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 31/05/2008 00:10

i doubt very much he has read on past where he was called a wanker. he doesnt like critiscm. i feel quite safe. i havent said anything to you guys that i wouldnt say to his face but to be honest i think he will stay as far away from this site as possible for fear of another flaming

OP posts:
Remotew · 31/05/2008 00:12

So he should. You need your own place.

Original poster
prettyfly1 · 31/05/2008 00:12

night eve. and it is but i know what your saying. thanks.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread