is she wrong

[prettyfly1]

ok - i am doing this for a friend who is in a bit of a muddle - and yes it really is for a friend.

She has been seeing a man for about 8 months who was married. seperated when they started seeing each other. he wont divorce his wife - alarm bells there. he wont tell her he is seeing her. alarm bells again but the situation is slightly complicated so she let it drop. he spends time with his wife as friends, which my friend has always been cool with as she feels it is best for their children if they get on. He went out with them on sunday night for his ex wifes sons birthday, told her he would be ignoring her for the night and then got drunk and spent the night with her. he was still incommunicado monday afternoon at which point she freaked. she has just had enough. He finally responded tuesday afternoon to tell her he slept in the boys room on sunday and ignored her on monday night as she was overreacting.

now if it were me i would have gone nuts. he has a history of cheating and has been caught lying to her a few times. what would you say.

Ok I am going to be honest (so maybe less than supportive, also from the perspective of the W)..
First off would like to say the MAN is a shit before I get shouted down...
But come on ...prettyfly you are far from the innocent victim you make yourself out to be....you had a one night stand with a married man who you had loved for 5 years (so not really an accident then??) and just so managed to get pregnant on this ONE night and then you were surprised when he didn't want to play happy families with you
And then you took him back when he came back for more even though it appeared he still had a relationship with his wife (and has a history of lying and cheating)...
So maybe YOU need to grow up and have some dignity and self respect...and maybe YOU need to stop blaming everyone else ...MY GOD just say no....
TBH the 300 text comment and the comment about ranting at his W all rang alarm bells for me ...you do sound just a tad obsessed!!
And an early MC (I am truly sorry) but jeez you actaully were going to bring another kid into this godawful mess ....and then you told him to come here and read this thread
You both need to go away and think about the children in this not your own (both of you) selfish self absorbed little lives !!

lol - try and avoid the psuedo psychology My father is my best friend and the dad my son needs. I know i dont need this kind of relationship and believe you me i never saw myself ending up like this. yes i have councelling and will be going back on monday night.

macdoodle - you are right to a certain extent but i think you will find it was more like six texts.

1. tonight has been cancelled.
2. rescheduled for friday.
3. where are you.
4. oh your still at the wifes. that annoys

me so rather then go on about it i am going to go out.

1. i cant go out and yes i am about to loose my temper.

1. temper lost.

and on the other subjects - i was so drunk that night i couldnt walk. i have never claimed to be innocent you obviously havent read my texts. no i was not surprised when he didnt want to play happy families with me hence why i walked away with nothing and built my own life and yes when i thought i could give my son a lovely family and a home i gave him another chance, you obviously however have never made such mistakes so i bow to your mighty wisdom and hope that when i grow up i am just like you.

and just so you know, i have never ever ever said a single word to his wife and it is my discretion and choice that meant she didnt find out for a very long time about the existence of our son. and yes when i knew he was still playing us off against each other i did want to tell her. i think you will find its called anger and us mere mortals experience it when we feel betrayed. once again obviously not something you are used to. i hid my son out of shame and i will never again bow to any woman who tells me i was bad or wrong. and quite frankly like i have said to him a million times neither should he. People make mistakes, its how they deal with them that counts and even the strongest marriages bow to temptation. I am not ashamed of who i am or what i did - i loved the wrong person, stayed away from him for five years - and when i say away i mean three hundred miles - then was weak for one night. I love my son so take your wifely perspective and stick it. I have flayed myself enough and four years on no I do not feel i deserve that kind of disrespect from anyone. I have done my time. But thanks anyway .

oh and just because now i am really annoyed and i almost hope he is reading this, on the sunday night when he did tell me he was planning to be there, i sent no texts. i was having dinner with a friend and respected his right to a night with his family. it was the following day when he was supposed to be at mine that i got annoyed. you obviously though are completely fine when your other half lets you down to spend the day with another woman.

Prettyfly - I agree that we do all make mistakes - but do remember that you may consider you have done your time but there are plenty of 'wives' and 'husbands' who are completly inoccent who wish they could stop the pain of it all too.
You did have a choice (so did he) but you both choose to only think about yourselves and not respect that there may be others involved - yes many will say that the wife was not your responsibilty but i ask why not? Surely we are all able to respect others male, female, husbands, wives and children ......... Just because he had 'more' responsibility to his wife does not make you inoccent and you should therefore not expect others who have felt similar pain to not punish you. Sorry but i do think all women know what they let themselves in for before they do that. Unfair as that may be.

and one more thing sweetheart. actually i am not some pathetic wimp crying into her adultering pillow about the lives she ruined not being her fault. I not only run half of the biggest company in britains online advertising i run my own company, a house a child and do a bloody good job at all of it. I fell in love with someone who actually all things considered is not that bad. It hurts that he doesnt love me but he isnt some rampant arse putting it about with everything that moves. he got himself into a bloody mess and didnt know which way to go. it hurts but i can put that right now. bugger off in other words.

you are completely right. i did know. would you like to go through nine months of pregnancy and six hours of labour alone. would you like to take your baby home and raise it alone. I did and i would do it all again cause he is a blessing. and as for the man should he have lost everything for one nights mistake and have to not see a child he knew was his when actually his wife is no saint either. i dont expect to win a bravery award. I dont want pity or praise and yes i was very wrong to sleep with someone elses man but i will say it again. i have done my time and do not see why i have to spend the rest of my life paying for it and neither should he. She stayed with him for three years afterwards and took every bit of the money in the house he paid for. what a saint. he also asked to go to relate. she refused. she also slept with someone else afterwards. what a bloody dream. And seeing as how i was never supposed to be able to have a child at all i am bloody grateful and thanks because for the first time in weeks i feel like myself. i am sorry for the pain one night caused but i will never hide from it or grovel for it.not now not ever. so flame me.

is he the "father" of the baby you miscarried recently, too?

Sounds like you need some contraception advice as well.

I just can't believe this is for real- what a sheltered like I must have led!

FGS sake grow up and don't get pregnant until you have a relationship that will benefit your child(ren.)

Basically, you have no right to pester a married man- he might be separated, but he sure isn't divorced- and might never be from what he wrote.

It wasn't one night. He has strung you and your son along for years. His wife is being vindictive, threatening him with his child if its you he's with. She probably won't be ok with it when he moves on to someone else from you, either. She will still try to control him, although he doesn't seem to be protesting at her control. Maybe he wants her to want him back.

Just look after yourself and your son and let them get on with it.

To be fair, Pretty, Mac is the last person on the planet you should speak to like this. She could be your wanker's ex wife.

I think everyone has been really kind to you here. Please have consideration for what other's have been through.

The wanker says his wife says that. Good excuse but true? And even if it was, I wouldn't call that vindictive. I'd call it human. She's not the enemy.

Poor woman, it all must have been incredibly painful for her and I don't think her reactions are particularly outrageous TBH. Neither do I think it's extreme in any way that she is struggling to cope years later.

PF, move on. A future awaits! Extricate yourself from a situation (man) which (who) is obviously damaging to all involved, for everyone's sake. Including his wife's.

Gosh what a stream of venom I was just offering some honesty rather than mindless hugs and petting...
I would guess all you know of the W is what he told you and he is clearly a gem to be trusted .....My H told his OW that I threatened he would never see his DD again if he didn't come back to me quite the opposite in fact ...
I think you are both behaving appallingly and like children (coming here to talk to each other for eg)..
I am glad you have done well for yourself and your son - time now to walk away somthing you should have done a very long time ago (and I mean that in your heart not physically)....
I will leave off now as I have no intention of getting into a catfight and you don't seem to want to hear any other viewpoints ...I do hope that one day all the children involved will be happy (and FGS get some contraception unless of course you think another innocent baby will finally get you what you want )

He may be lying about his wifes threats. I don't know but it wouldn't be the first time kids have been used as weapons. Lets hope the wanker was lying because its low.

• re. 'poor woman' I was referring to his wife, BTW.

None of you seem to be thinking of the innocent victims of this- the fatherless children.

You also need to think about your child- you seem very self-pitying when you talk abut being pregnant and having to go through labour on your own- but these days, no-one HAS to get pregnant- there is the morning after pill even if you made a mistake - or termination.

I don't know how you can ask for understanding or sympathy over that.

You say your son is a blessing- I am sure he is, but will he think his life is blessed?

I'm sorry, but I agree with everything macdoodle has said.

hls, I beg to differ.

Termination is not and IMO can possibly be considered a viable option for everyone!! How ridiculous.

I personally don't have any issue with the OP deserving sympathy for going through pregnancy and birth alone, it is not easy and given the choice, probably not what many would choose. I do, however have no sympathy for the situation which caused either pregnancy.

I don't think anyone is disregarding the children in all this but I see no need to slate either the OP or the wife mentioned regarding their attempts at doing the best for their children, which I'm sure they each try to attain in what is a very difficult situation.

....can't

yes there is termination. i am open to others veiwpoints. thats why i asked about it on here and god only knows i have been flamed for that in the past; but answer me this. go look at your children and tell me if you would have them terminated. i was never meant to be able to have any child and god knows there are millions of women in that position who would kill to be me right now. I have a loving beautiful son. I find the insinuation that his existence on this planet is a shame, or wrong or that i should have aborted him offensive quite frankly. Macdoodle i appreciate your honesty and believe me its doing me the world of good but to the woman who told me i should have not had him or just sucked it up. I am bloody glad i did and i have never asked the world for anything but it was bloody lonely and a damned good lesson in not sleeping with other peoples husbands. if apw wants to go back to his wife he is free to and always has been. my issue was that he be straight with me about it. and just so you know, whilst i dont believe that abortion is necessarily wrong, i do feel that suggesting that a lovely little boy who brings nothing but joy into the lives of people around him is somehow regrettable is.

That's fine catharsis- I don't mind if you disagree- but termination IS an option for some people.

I don't see why you think that option is ridiculous, because it is certainly one I would have opted for if i'd been young, and not in a position to support a child and not had his father around.

and so you know, my son has a lovely home. a mother who worships him, is incredibly bright and very well loved. one parent doing that alone is more then enough and he will never want for anything. i hope you can say the same for yours.

oh and mac. i cant have any more children. hence the mc and the steroids. but thanks for the advice. (very bitter grimace). like i said. punished enough. or should i also wear a nice big crown of thorns and be stoned in the street as well. Incidentally i have been cheated on by my other serious relationship. I do know how much it hurts and its never right to sleep with another womans husband. but everyone makes mistakes and i really feel i have paid enough for one night when i was very young. and so has he.

prettyfly- I am not going to get into a prolonged debate about abortion with you or anyone.

Asking someone to look at their children and think about them being terminated is not the point. A foetus a few days/old is NOT the same as the child you now have.

What I am saying is that you seem to be careless with your contraception and should think before you create a child that is not part of a stable 2parent relationship. Call me old fashioned if you like, but that's how I see it.

hls - with the greatest respect and even apf would back me whole heartedly, i have done a damned good job of bringing up my child. he wants for nothing. like all happy families we eat dinner at the table, he has a lovely home and we go out regularly to places all over the country. so what are you actually saying. that if your young and single you should not have a child. even if you know you wont have any others. and can provide for it yourself without the aid of benefits. which i have. why dont you go over to the lone parents site and say that. they would love you over there.