is she wrong

[prettyfly1]

ok - i am doing this for a friend who is in a bit of a muddle - and yes it really is for a friend.

She has been seeing a man for about 8 months who was married. seperated when they started seeing each other. he wont divorce his wife - alarm bells there. he wont tell her he is seeing her. alarm bells again but the situation is slightly complicated so she let it drop. he spends time with his wife as friends, which my friend has always been cool with as she feels it is best for their children if they get on. He went out with them on sunday night for his ex wifes sons birthday, told her he would be ignoring her for the night and then got drunk and spent the night with her. he was still incommunicado monday afternoon at which point she freaked. she has just had enough. He finally responded tuesday afternoon to tell her he slept in the boys room on sunday and ignored her on monday night as she was overreacting.

now if it were me i would have gone nuts. he has a history of cheating and has been caught lying to her a few times. what would you say.

I don't think the termination comment was warranted - no suggestion from me here at all that it should have been an option..
However I don't believe children are either a means to an end or a tool to be used
FWIW I have pretty much done the pregnancy, labour and bringing up DD2 (now 5 months) alone (so I do know how hard it is)and TBH am far happier alone
Sometimes PF (and believe me I say this with no malice)and again I am struggling with this myself...the idea of a family and a 2 parent family is more appealing than the reality !

Message withdrawn

prettfly- yes, I am saying that.

I am sure you are doing a good job, but I do believe that unless there are no other options, a child is best served by 2 parents.

well i see it this way. a child is a blessing. regardless of the circumstances surrounding its conception and provided I am the one taking responsibility for its upbringing i see no reason why if i wanted twenty i could have them. I am not a child i am twenty six and yes i do know how to use a condom. i also know what happens when they split. i also know that i cant take the morningafter pill or any other form of hormonal contraceptive. not quite as black and white as you like to make out.

no mac - that wasnt aimed at you and once again for your honesty. like i said its doing the world of good.

i have no issues with peoples opinions. they are welcome to them but not when its to suggest that my child is regrettable. mac i know your story and have read it with a great deal of sympathy and i made my life an open book because after years of closed doors i had just had enough and wanted it out there. hls your point is nonsense. one loving parent alone is always better then two at each others throats. in an ideal world two parents together is the best way but it very rarely works out that way so i am sorry i cant concede the point. as for his other son where he is concerned op is an amazing, considerate and devoted father and i will not say a word against him, when he and w lived together they made each others lives hell, well before i came back onto the scene. he also now has two parents who are working to raise him and from all accounts he is also a loving, clever and bright little boy who is devoted to his daddy with two parents who are doing their best by him. op and i can be real bssssds to each other but we both love our kids and are glad for every day we get with them. if that makes us bad then so be it.

well....if you know they can split you should have had a better type of contraception.

Condoms are not the best or most effective.

I know you are not a child and neither am I- I am more than twice your age.

and in your considered opinion when i cant have the coil for the risk of infection, when i cant have hormonal contraceptives because, 1. i suffer from depression and anxiety and they make it worse and two. my medical condition would also be massively aggravated by it. what would you suggest. I had already ordered the cap and with the greatest of courtesy i lost that child and will not have another. to be frank i would not choose to keep putting myself through that for all the world.

I don't think anyone's saying that you should have aborted your son PF1- something good has come from this (in my opinion over-dramatic) relationship...you definitely were right to expect him to have been open about your relationship with you and your son and the fact that he hasn't indicates that he's pretty weak and indecisive but that's HIS issue. Don't let a weak man take the best years of your life. You sound like you have a lot going for you and this relationship is a huge distraction from all those positive things. If you're not getting what you need after all these years, I doubt you ever will. Communicate with him about arranging visitation etc and vent all that anger elsewhere...you can't change or control people. It really is a shameful waste of time even trying.

thanks mrs macaroon, thats pretty spot on actually. the blow up today has been coming for a while and actually while i have been taking some stick it has cleared my thoughts on a lot of things. i do want someone who is mine, who can share our lives openly and honestly and is free to love me. it does hurt that its not him but what can you do. and it will sound funny but to those who called him a wanker, yes he made himself look that way today and yes he can be but on the whole he is a pretty decent bloke who has made some fairly collosal mistakes and has also paid a heavy price for them. he lost his rag and he is not pretty when he does that but men mess up as well. we are just not right thats all.

So you feel he is a decent bloke and you have paid your dues...but the W is the bad one

and to be fair playing devils advocate a little bit, although I found being kept secret too hard to deal with ultimately and justhave to walk away, i dont actually think it was that wrong of him not to have told her yet. they only broke up completely six months ago. how many times have women been on here battered because their exs have moved straight on and not tried to protect them from it at the very least. i think in his messy, arrogant way that is probably what he is trying to say and i told him that was how it had to be. i wasmore annoyed about him hiding our son to be honest and yes it is my problem that i couldnt be the ow any more. i didnt realise i was till this week but it is obviously the case and yes i do have more respect for myself then that.

oh god no mac. if i thought that i would not have had dues to pay. i just think after four years of battering myself, hiding my child and doing everything alone, i have paid enough for the hurt i caused another woman.

and i know you have been very badly hurt. like i said,i know your story but this is not the same. i never asked him to leave her, i never asked him for anything and when i knew i had fallen pregnant, whilst i was not prepared to give up what ultimately was my only chance to have another child i did get out of the way. i didnt want to split up another womans family and when he came back i believed it was over between them. now that that is fairly obviously not the case i am happy to walk away again and move on. Really you should quite like my post love. makes a change to see the other woman get her come uppance.

Am I happy that you are hurt, that your child doesn't have a father - of course not

Prettyfly1, I've read some/skimmed some of your thread.

All I really want to tell you to do is walk away with your head held high and your dignity intact the best you can. You have your son to care for, you and he are the family unit.

His father has to make his own decisions about his relationship with his child. You might have to compensate for him, but you will make sure your son will not miss out.

I do agree that sometimes being a single parent can be easier simply because it is less complicated.

Be strong and don't be a victim. You don't have to answer to anyone or justify yourself. You just need to get on with your life with your boy.

Good luck

and before anyone thinks i deliberately attempted to "snare" him. I moved to devon for three years away from my own family and friends to build a life that meant i wouldnt do that. it was never the case that i set out to catch him - it doesnt work and to be honest i would like to think i can get a man without resorting to some fairly draconian tactics. it was one night and one that i bitterly regretted for a long time - to the point where i needed councelling when i was pregnant to get over it. but at some point you have to stop apologising, stand up for your choices and take it on the chin. i am proud of my son and i cant regret him. and i would do it all again to look at his beautiful face every day.

thanks mac. it takes a big woman to say that. and i really really hope you are treated better in the future.

and cheers foxy. thats pretty much how i feel.

Oh PF - I need to say more - do I identify with your story of course I do, do I identify you with my H OW and baby of course I do...do I want you and your child to suffer - no I don't, but I would not be human if I didn't want my H OW to suffer just a little of the hurt that she caused me!
IMO I think women that believe what men tell them of their wives are being more than a little foolish...and women that become obsessed with men to the exclusion of all else do in fact deserve what they get (sorry of that is harsh)...
But it makes me unbearably sad when their are children involved and become pawns to be used by the adults involved..
I am sorry I do think you are taking some harsh criticism..but I think you and your wanker (and you can defend him all you like but he is) need to grow up and act like adults and do what is best for ALL the children

thanks mac but how would you suggest i do that i have raised him alone, worked as hard as i can, tried to make it work with his father and now i am trying to walk away with my head held high. what more can i do.

and my son isnt a pawn. i am sorry if either of us gave you that impression but our kids are not used to score points as a rule. I like to think both of us know when to draw that line. I havent asked for anything and wont. again, what more can i do.

and on the obsession thing, i am walking away. which i did four years ago and got on with my life and never contacted him. and once before that for three years when i went to devon. in every other sense i have a great life. i am also just ending a messy relationship - am i not allowed to feel a little bit sad about that? I just wanted a family for my son. and it hasnt happened so its time to let it go. what more can i say.

I left this earler because of comments made by hls as I was going to say something I would have regretted. How dare she . I can tell you are hurting right now but it will get better. You did so well then let him back into your lives. You can do well again, without him.

Your son will be blessed. One parent can do just as well and sometimes better than two.

thanks about eve. i was pretty snarked about those comments as well.