Page 9 | Warned by BF's friend

Oxycarpus · 2025-08-19T11:35:45+00:00

I met a female friend of my BF for the first time last weekend. She was with her male friend and we spent a couple of hours in their company. As we left and when my BF was out of earshot, she caught my attention and said "be careful" twice. I nodded but now I'm in a quandry about what to do next. We've been together 5 months and he seems a gentle man and we get on well. I feel like I should press for more information as this is some kind of mysterious cryptic message if I don't. I've started to imagine what demons are in his cupboard.

Grendel7 · 25/08/2025 11:53

Damnd · 19/08/2025 14:02

He's clearly a cheat, surely that's obvious?!

Maybe has a wife and kids tucked away?

Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 25/08/2025 22:41

Just tell your partner? 5months in you should know what's what, I would say what she said and then read his body language

Original poster

Oxycarpus · 27/08/2025 16:34

Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 25/08/2025 22:41

Just tell your partner? 5months in you should know what's what, I would say what she said and then read his body language

I did think of this and it has been suggested but it's sometimes difficult to read body language when people are good liars. Or at least you may think they're lying but you can't be 100% sure. He's a lawyer and they can be very persuasive and eloquent. I've actually found her address in one of his old diaries. Someone has suggested that I can't trust him if I look in his diary. That's not necessarily true, I don't KNOW if I can trust him because of what's been said by the female friend. There's no number in it but there is an address. Do you think it would be out of order for me to write to her?

OP posts:

teenmaw · 27/08/2025 17:56

Op it would be a massive breach of trust in your new relationship to write to her. He may have done any number of things in the past that doesn’t mean he’ll do them to you. Be wary, be alert but enjoy your relationship for what it is. You’ll no doubt see her again, ask her then. Don’t obsess about a passing comment that may be irrelevant to you. If he’s a c u next Tuesday, it’ll become apparent soon enough.

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 27/08/2025 18:08

I wouldn’t write to her either, despite what she said. I’d encourage him to arrange another event and make sure you engineer an opportunity to ask her - follow her to the toilet or something.

Someone2025 · 27/08/2025 18:37

Oxycarpus · 27/08/2025 16:34

I did think of this and it has been suggested but it's sometimes difficult to read body language when people are good liars. Or at least you may think they're lying but you can't be 100% sure. He's a lawyer and they can be very persuasive and eloquent. I've actually found her address in one of his old diaries. Someone has suggested that I can't trust him if I look in his diary. That's not necessarily true, I don't KNOW if I can trust him because of what's been said by the female friend. There's no number in it but there is an address. Do you think it would be out of order for me to write to her?

Show quote history

I wouldn’t write to her, she might be just a hit stirrer and then tell your boyfriend that you contacted her….he would then know you snooped

OchreRaven · 27/08/2025 19:02

I wouldn’t write to her but could you orchestrate bumping into her now you know where she lives. And come up with ‘while I have you here what did you mean by be careful the other week?’

Eurovisionwatcherbecauselol · 27/08/2025 22:25

Why be so cloak and dagger, just tell him your concerns if you don't trust then it's over anyway

bloke1958 · 28/08/2025 07:47

'I don't KNOW if I can trust him because of what's been said by the female friend' speaks volumes. You clearly do not trust him especially as you have been through his diary and you state that he could be a good Liar because of his profession. Only 2 ways to stop the rot in my opinion. Either tell him why you are upset since the 'friend' said what she did, or ask her directly (which seems far fetched and writing perhaps isn't a good option). I'd go for the first option otherwise it will play on your mind forever. He might be able to tell you why she said this to you. Either way staying in a trust free environment isn't good for you.

T1Dmama · 28/08/2025 11:15

Such a tough one @Oxycarpus

i don’t think I’d tell him what she said, he could be really cross with her and then you’ll never find out.
I think your only options are to either wait till he organises another get to together and ask her then OR just continue as you have been and as she warned just be careful and keep an eye out for red flags … it is possible she’s jealous though and just shit stirring so I wouldn’t let it effect you too much !

BitterTits · 28/08/2025 21:35

This is obviously really weighing on your mind if you're willing to consider writing to her. Honestly you'd be much better off telling him what you were told and asking if he has any idea why.

Original poster

Oxycarpus · 15/09/2025 19:49

I did decide to ask him and he remembered that one of his exes got an email from someone who signed off with the same name - also cautioning her. He'd brushed it aside as when challenged she didn't reply. Now it's happened again, he's happy she's got issues and is going to cut ties. Also, we saw her recently and she blanked us both - this was before I spoke to him. Very strange behaviour I would say.

OP posts:

whistlesandbells · 15/09/2025 20:27

On one of my first dates with my ex-husband a woman came up to me at the table when he had gone to the loo and told me to “run for the hills”.

oh how I wish I had listened.

Don’t dismiss what you have been told - think of ways to find out more and don’t end up trapped with an abuser. It happens so gradually until it is too late.

MinglyMadly · 16/09/2025 07:53

whistlesandbells · 15/09/2025 20:27

On one of my first dates with my ex-husband a woman came up to me at the table when he had gone to the loo and told me to “run for the hills”.

oh how I wish I had listened.

Don’t dismiss what you have been told - think of ways to find out more and don’t end up trapped with an abuser. It happens so gradually until it is too late.

This.

I said nothing when I saw my abusive ex start a new relationship, but thought long and hard over whether to say anything.

In the end I thought it was none of my business and they will need to find out for themselves. A good looking man and all charm, until he knew he 'had' you.

deeahgwitch · 16/09/2025 08:24

Hmmm I’d still “keep my wits about me” despite his explanation @Oxycarpus
He would deny anything sinister, wouldn’t he.
It’s not as if he would say “Yeah, actually she’s right, I am an abuser.”

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 16/09/2025 08:26

Oxycarpus · 15/09/2025 19:49

I did decide to ask him and he remembered that one of his exes got an email from someone who signed off with the same name - also cautioning her. He'd brushed it aside as when challenged she didn't reply. Now it's happened again, he's happy she's got issues and is going to cut ties. Also, we saw her recently and she blanked us both - this was before I spoke to him. Very strange behaviour I would say.

I wouldn’t believe him.

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 16/09/2025 08:27

whistlesandbells · 15/09/2025 20:27

On one of my first dates with my ex-husband a woman came up to me at the table when he had gone to the loo and told me to “run for the hills”.

oh how I wish I had listened.

Don’t dismiss what you have been told - think of ways to find out more and don’t end up trapped with an abuser. It happens so gradually until it is too late.

Your post reminded me of when a women once told me to run from a man who was trying to date me at work many years ago. I wish I had listened too.

fedup078 · 16/09/2025 08:29

She probably ignored you both as she knows you probably told him what she said and now feels dead awkward . Whether she’s just shit stirring or has a genuine concern for you only time will tell .

Dery · 16/09/2025 08:32

@Oxycarpus - i understand your desire to bottom this out but asking him was a bit naive. He’s unlikely to admit to his own bad behaviour. I warned a colleague about a very nasty man she was getting close to (i had seen him in action at a pub when drunk so knew what he was like). She told him and he threatened me. Fortunately, this was pre-internet - i had already moved away and he could only get to me by phone. Nowadays he would be able to find where i worked because that information is (and has to be) publicly available.

So yes, she may be a shit-stirrer but she may have been right. Stay vigilant. For future reference, if a woman warns you about a man, it’s probably better not to let him know about the warning.

Sera1989 · 16/09/2025 09:38

Still be vigilant. It’s very easy to dismiss people as being crazy or having mental health issues but we all know what it usually means when men have “crazy” exes (even though this woman isn’t an ex). The fact that she warned his ex too is still ringing alarm bells for me. If she really did have MH issues or was jealous or whatever then I would’ve thought her BF would keep her away from your BF to stop her shit stirring? The fact that she’s done it before wouldn’t put my mind at rest and I’d expect BF to want to get to the bottom of it rather than cutting contact. Your BF has definitely never slept with her? Personally I’d contact her to see if she has any real reasoning or concerns and make up my own mind. It might be nothing but you’ll kick yourself if it’s not

Rewis · 18/09/2025 16:00

These are so hard. I really think it is unfair to say something so vague. If you want to warn someone, tell why. Especially since they are friends.

Original poster

Oxycarpus · 24/09/2025 23:16

Dery · 16/09/2025 08:32

@Oxycarpus - i understand your desire to bottom this out but asking him was a bit naive. He’s unlikely to admit to his own bad behaviour. I warned a colleague about a very nasty man she was getting close to (i had seen him in action at a pub when drunk so knew what he was like). She told him and he threatened me. Fortunately, this was pre-internet - i had already moved away and he could only get to me by phone. Nowadays he would be able to find where i worked because that information is (and has to be) publicly available.

So yes, she may be a shit-stirrer but she may have been right. Stay vigilant. For future reference, if a woman warns you about a man, it’s probably better not to let him know about the warning.

Edited

The only reason I asked him was because she blanked us both. If she had genuine concerns why couldn't she take that opportunity to speak to me. At that point I hadn't said anything to him. Also she knew we would be seeing each other again. Did she naively think that without giving any further explanation I'd just dump him and she'd never seen me again?

OP posts:

Allison2222 · 25/09/2025 06:09

I'd be careful to @Oxycarpus , just keep your wits about you. I remember seeing a couple watching a magic trick at a toy shop. The husband took the piss out of her and tried to banter with the magician. She clearly was hurt but her husband just turned to her and got nasty and quite menacing. Now ive been in an abusive relationship myself so it was very triggering. I wondered whether to say something quietly to her but just left it.

T1Dmama · 25/09/2025 07:51

Maybe she fancies him and likes to warn other women off him!