Warned by BF's friend

[Oxycarpus]

I met a female friend of my BF for the first time last weekend. She was with her male friend and we spent a couple of hours in their company. As we left and when my BF was out of earshot, she caught my attention and said "be careful" twice. I nodded but now I'm in a quandry about what to do next. We've been together 5 months and he seems a gentle man and we get on well. I feel like I should press for more information as this is some kind of mysterious cryptic message if I don't. I've started to imagine what demons are in his cupboard.

I tried to warn a few ladies about a man in my circle. One of his lady friends asked me if he was a good man. I said I couldn't possibly comment because people behave differently in different relationship. I wanted to scream at her to fucking run. I'd already helped his previous wife escape him.

Do a Claire Law check and leave at the first sign of red flags.

I would get to know him a little better, do a little quiet detective work, ask him about his past. Check out his socials etc. and be on your guard for the time being.

Slightly different circumstances, but I met a guy at a friend's BBQ once and he asked me out. She said to me "be careful" and I didn't know what she meant. I should have asked her. We went on a date and he raped me.

I would listen to this woman OP. She knows something you don't and you don't want to find out the hard way.

What’s the point of this thread then?

Literally all you can do is ask her and if you won’t ask for her contact details then just wait until he does something that makes you realise.

Can you ask to meet up with them again? And then ask her to show you where the loo is or something innocent?

I'd ask him what he thought she meant...

I agree with PPs that she's not much of a friend to him to do that. Why did she come out in the first place? To warn you? Or are they close friends normally? Very strange! Also it's really unfair of her to leave you hanging like that if she genuinely wanted to help you...
I'd have to try and find her on SM and contact her.

That’s awful. I’m so sorry you went through such an ordeal.

Did your friend know he was a rapist? I cannot imagine being friends with someone I had to warn people about.

I would take this at face value and be much more likely to assume good intent from her vs. she's a "crazy lady"

Just say to your Boyfriend any variant of

"Can I have Sarah's number...? when we were talking there was an influencer i was telling her about but I couldnt remember their handle and i wanted to send it to her"

"Can I have Sarah's number...? We were talking about cakes and i said I'd send her the details of the woman i use"

"Can I have Sarah's number...? I said I'd send her the details of my hairdresser / shampoo I used/ a great hotel in Porto "

Message / call her and get some details.

I would listen to her.

You've been warned, and she went to a degree of trouble to tell you, out of earshot of anyone else. If she seemed a decent sort I'd be a little bit wary and be careful to protect myself.

It could be a warning but she could be jealous and shit stirring; or trying to claim secret knowledge to get one up on you. I wouldn’t bite at this point. If she was genuinely concerned she would try and contact you.

If you haven’t noticed any red flags after 5 months it might be ok. What do your family and friends think of him?

I had an ex who's mom more ot less said the same about her son as did a few friends of his. He properly messed my head up and it seems every woman he'd been in a relationship with

I was warned about an ex by a male friend of his. He said, "Look, you seem like a really nice girl. You know [ex] and I go way back and do I have his back and all, but he's really not a good guy for you. If you were my sister I'd tell you to look elsewhere." Wish I'd listened - he was a violent coke addict, mired in drug debt, who was engaged (!) to someone else throughout our year-long relationship. As per a PP, ended with him getting arrested and put under a restraining order.

Ask bf to go out for wings and beer or similar and suggest he invite them? You can ask her in the ladies room?
Or maybe if where ever you originally met & spent time with them, is it a place where a person may often go to?

Also I assume you googled him with key words like charged & arrested "john johnson arrest Milton/whatever town/city"

I dunno, I've tried (ineffectively) to advise caution to the girlfriends of my friends who were bullshitters, charming rogues, etc. Men like that are fun to be around, the fact that I wouldn't like to see them fuck around with a good woman doesn't mean I don't want to see them down the pub.

Also, I realised with hindsight that certain women tried to warn me my husbands (both!) were cheating. I don't blame them for being overly subtle: it's a difficult thing to tackle with a close friend, never mind a mutual you don't know very well.

I had warnings like this from a (male) friend of my now husband, and an ex girlfriend. I wish I had listened. It's been awful, I have never had an experience like this (6 year relationship) and we are divorcing, turns out he is a serial cheat and liar. Can you contact her and ask her to elaborate? Do not make my mistake and immediately chalk it up to jealousy, she may have information that you are not privy to. I have never been warned about anyone before, but turns out they had every good intention. I'd be wary if I were you.

This is exactly how I’d play it too. Let the conversation flow organically then once you’re a couple of drinks in and the conversation gets more intimate, say something like “thanks for the warning the other night by the way. Nice to look out for each other”. She’ll probably spill more details then naturally or you could gently press her.

Doesn’t sound to me like a woman wanting your boyfriend for herself but she’s obviously prone to some info about him that you don’t know and wants to in a roundabout way tell you to keep your eyes open. Doesn’t implicate her, she’s not betrayed her friend (your boyfriend) but it’s a slight heads up to keep your wits about you. Could be a serial cheater, committed a crime, violence, substance abuse, could be anything really. Might also be nothing. It doesn’t sound like she’s stirring though.

This woman is a platonic friend of your BF and you, as a couple, met up with her and another of her (platonic?) male friends? Has she had a past relationship, or a ONS with your BF?

Assume she knows something you possibly don’t know:

• he has a criminal record?
• child(ren)?
• can’t hold a job down?
• past history of stealing cars / dealing drugs / violence?
• debt, monetary or other?
• compulsive liar?

But they like each other enough to be friends, and a platonic female friend is less likely to be duped than a starry eyed girlfriend. How long have they been friends? Were they at school together? Colleagues? Neighbours? What does your BF think of this woman’s male friend - did they already know each other?

My first thought is that she knows either that he’s a player, or that he has a partner (wife?) and child(ren), but you’re not going to find that out without some fairly forensic exploration. Good luck - and be careful.

Why are you friends with this man?

Why on earth didn’t you cal him over and say, ‘Sally has just told me to be careful!’

Put him and her on the spot and you would have seen from
their reaction as to who is the problem.

My guess is that he has been violent to an XP.

I don't know. I actually never told her what happened. It was really traumatic and took me a long time to process and even understand I had been raped. By that time we weren't really in contact, and she manufactured a reason to fall out with me, looking back I wonder if it was guilt.

Because what makes a bad boyfriend doesn't necessarily make a bad friend e.g. if he's a serial cheat.

I have a friend who is great fun to be with... But a serial cheat. He's not a bad friend, but I'd never date him. Tbh if I ever met one of his girlfriends I'd probably warn them, knowing his dating history