Warned by BF's friend

[Oxycarpus]

I met a female friend of my BF for the first time last weekend. She was with her male friend and we spent a couple of hours in their company. As we left and when my BF was out of earshot, she caught my attention and said "be careful" twice. I nodded but now I'm in a quandry about what to do next. We've been together 5 months and he seems a gentle man and we get on well. I feel like I should press for more information as this is some kind of mysterious cryptic message if I don't. I've started to imagine what demons are in his cupboard.

I'd take it as a warning that he may be violent or abusive. I'd certainly be on high alert for red flags.

Don't put it past people for being friends with somebody who is violent or abusive. Way back when I was a young adult at uni I was good friends with a bloke who sometimes had what I can only describe as red mist descend when he was drunk. I knew he had a volatile relationship with his long distance girlfriend, but I thought it was both of them - I'm not so sure now. He'd get into fights with men twice his size and nothing would stop him - at the end of one night out I saw am absolutely stacked bodybuilder lift him off his feet by the neck to stop him from following somebody else to fight them and he was still trying to swing for the guy who had him by the neck. I thought he was safe to be around because I fully trusted he'd never turn on me, and he didn't, but he did square up to and threaten my (female) friend, and he did go on to have a rocky romantic relationship with my other friend. Looking back I cannot believe that I was so darn naïve and stupid to stay friends with him and hang around him, but I was.

Was it OP’s BF’s suggestion to meet up with the other two, or just a coincidental bumping into each other?

This is what Clares Law is for. If he has a history of any kind of abusive behaviour that has been reported, you can find out.

https://clares-law.com/

@MarvellousMonsters , it covers DV, but not being violent towards someone you don't live with.

I know right? so depressing that people jump to the conclusion that every woman is on permanent high alert to ensnare men and repel challengers. Like dogs on heat.
#NAWALT

I've got quite a few male friends (I work in a male dominated industry), and there are some I'd not want to be in a relationship with, and I would WANT to warn future girlfriends (although I haven't).

Lots of people have baggage, issues, cheat, make questionable decisions. It doesn't mean I'm not friends with them, I'm not perfect. But, maybe she is just warning you?

OP, I was listening to this podcast today and it made me think of you.

The Affair…with Anna Williamson | Podcast on Spotify

I would trust that this women is looking out for u and just be hyper aware and not stuck in a honeymoon bubble! Good luck!

I think if the friend was asking you to be careful with your BF, the comment most likely would have been followed with '... because he's had a tough time' or '... because he's a lovely guy' or some such reason why.

If it's just 'Be careful' then I'd take that as a warning to you to be careful for yourself. I'd suggest another meet up and slip her your number.

I agree. He doesn't have to be a criminal or violent just maybe someone who changes partners a lot but even men like that usually settle down eventually although it may not be with the OP. I think it's a friendly warning to look out for yourself.

My first thought, dunno why, was that he has an STD - maybe mentioned it to his mate and that is how the mates girlfriend knows.

Or he's still stuck on an ex-girlfriend and you are a space filler until his ex comes back or someone else comes along.

How weird! If I thought someone was capable of doing something serious to hurt their girlfriend I would not be friends with them. Or is she warning because he is the unfaithful type? He has a secret child? Well then is she his friend really if she has no loyalty to him. It is all really odd. I would ask her to explain what does means and also do background checks on him.

If you are unable to contact her, to start with I would do a Claire’s Law request just to make sure there’s nothing on file www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/cl/triage/v2/request-information-under-clares-law/#:~:text=Under%20Clare's%20Law%20you%20can,they%20might%20be%20at%20risk

@Cetim , if you or your DP had a long-standing friend you probably would not believe it, but you might feel you had to alert that there was a rumour.

@Speckly , it doesn't show up some things.

My first thought.

I think he's probably a cheater... I've had this before. I wish I'd listened to the the women who warned me. I'm taking this as girl code and sisters looking out for each other.

Can you find her friend on social media to get her number?

I agree. I don't think it meant "Don't hurt him" as how would you guess she meant that from her saying "be careful?"

Can't you ask him? If he doesn't know, ask for her contact details. If he won't hand then over, you know where you are..

Would def ask for her contact details and find out more. Such a weird thing to do though. She provably won't have anything concrete anyway, and you'd have to ask him his side of the story.

She sounds interfering to me. If you meet her again with him, she might tell him you asked her questions about him and wanted to meet up. To discuss him!

She has her eye on your man and is trying an easy fix to scare you off.

Take the comment in good faith.
Be careful.
Be careful not to let on that she said this also.

Can you ask BF to arrange another outing with them?
Then talk in the rest room.
Can you trace her or her male friend's phone number?
Then phone her or meet her.
Don't text or leave messages.

Be careful incase he is violent, a drug user, a cheater, is chronically diseased, is a commitment phobe or has criminal connections etc.

I keep coming back to this, so I thought I'd post. A woman ASKED you to tell her what this man was like, but you didn't?

You had already helped a woman 'escape' him and you knew that she should 'fucking run' but you didn't tell her?

She asked you. Why on Earth didn't you tell her the truth?

Definitely this! If you suspect he’s a wrong’un moving forward then you have at least some support, otherwise I’d ignore

I think she would have been a bit nasty or disparaging towards to OP herself if she wanted her man. At least shooting her some jealous looks in the evening.

If she was perfectly fine with her the whole time, it seems more likely to be a genuine warning to be careful as there is something unpleasant about the guy.

Do as she says,.... Be careful.
You don't need more detail