Warned by BF's friend

[Oxycarpus]

I met a female friend of my BF for the first time last weekend. She was with her male friend and we spent a couple of hours in their company. As we left and when my BF was out of earshot, she caught my attention and said "be careful" twice. I nodded but now I'm in a quandry about what to do next. We've been together 5 months and he seems a gentle man and we get on well. I feel like I should press for more information as this is some kind of mysterious cryptic message if I don't. I've started to imagine what demons are in his cupboard.

OP, you have only been together 5 months. Is it possible he's still on Tinder etc and seeing multiple girlfriends - I know this is quite common in the beginning. Unless you've had the "talk" and both decided to come off any dating apps (if that's how you met). He's quite possibly a player and she warned you to be careful not to have your hopes up. I have great male friends who I would never date in a million years. They are funny, gentle and generous but always several women on the go.

It doesn't have to be as serious as that though. She didn't say 'Run!' she said 'be careful'. I can think of a relationship between two people I know - he had a bad reputation because he'd broken off two engagements. This was about 12 years ago and they have been married for several years now.

That’s why I said “to start with”. It’s a first step and better than nothing if she cannot contact the friend.

To me this sounds as "don't get to serious because he has a habit of breaking up once any commitment is asked for". So indeed, I would do just that, watch out and be carefull not to f.i. move in together. Don't burn your bridges before you réally know your new boyfriend.

@Speckly, I agree that it is a good idea, but it gets recommended on here sometimes as if it a non-negative result means he's a good guy.
It's not a DBS check.

I was beaten up by my XP. We weren't officially living together at the time. I asked if pressing charges would mean it would show up on the Clare's Law check and was told it wouldn't, as it would be 'assault' not 'DV'.

He was a lovely guy, we got along, we didn't argue, then one day we did. I ended up in A&E. I never saw it coming.

Had I been warned to 'be careful' and mentioned it to him, knowing what I do now, I strongly suspect that he would have laughed it off saying that the friend was unhinged/jealous, and could well have been violent or nasty towards her.

Don't be ridiculous.

Yes I see what you mean. I think the friend shouldve been more specific because be careful could literally mean anything.

She didn't ask privately and 1:1. She asked with other people around. In my in-laws house. I tried to warn her diplomatically and without putting myself in a difficult position.

The ex contacted me privately and asked for help. No one knew i was helping her and they still dont know. I worked in the shadows and she didn't drop me in it.

My SIL did warn the new GF 1:1 and she still married him .

To be fair to this friend of the BF, I had a mate who was a really good friend to me and others, but an absolute arsehole with and around women, quite misogynistic, domineering, and manipulative, so it might be something similar.

🤐There I was thinking I was on some kind of public discussion forum, sharing an opinion.

This! Either way it sounds like drama that I personally cannot stand. Protect your peace as the saying goes.

No she’s warning you.
He’s either abusive to his partners, possibly financially or emotionally?…. Or he’s a cheater…. Does drugs/drinks etc

Maybe it’s worth doing a ‘Claire’s Law’ on him - which frankly all women should be doing in new partners!

www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/cl/triage/v2/request-information-under-clares-law/#:~:text=Under%20Clare's%20Law%20you%20can,they%20might%20be%20at%20risk

If you can contact her do so and ask what she meant. I had similar happen, I'd never met the couple previously but she warned me, be careful, don't trust him. I did ask why, and she told me he was seeing someone else. I didn't know whether to believe her, so followed him after he caused an argument one night and stormed out (not for the first time, he'd come back after a couple of hours) true enough she was telling the truth. He's now my ex.

If there’s no other way to find her I would do this. I don’t think it would look contrived, you could ask for both their numbers.

Or I suppose you just tell him what happened and ask what she was referring to. Though that would no doubt get her in shit.

I couldn’t go on not knowing, it would eat away at me no matter how much I loved and trusted my partner.

Have likewise been warned by a new bf's friends before at a party, and yeah, they were absolutely right. He was a selfish b*astard

My best friend is male 100% wouldn't date him!

If you want to look in his diary you seem not to trust him anyway. Can't advise you what to do but clearly something is wrong.

She could be jealous. Don't always think the worst of the guy.

This. Great advice.

Was there low beams in the pub or particularly steep steps to the toilet?
Or was it general contraceptive advice?

Would a woman be good friends with a man they know to have any kind of abusive tendencies though (or a history of), one where it’s bad enough they’d be disloyal to said friend to warn another woman? I couldn’t be. My thinking is he could be a cheater/slag, or she is untrustworthy and wants him for herself?

There's no suggestion she's his best mate, @HanG77. He's friends with her boyfriend. I'm not sure I'd be prepared to make an issue of my partner's friends' character flaws - what good would it serve? No abusive man's going to change his ways on account of a friend's girlfriend's opinion, is he?

Ah, sorry, I’m reading the thread on my phone with no glasses on! Missed the girlfriend of the friend part, thought it was a female friend warning OP about new boyfriend. Agreed, in that situation I’d be a bit more discrete too.

OP describes her as “a female friend of my BF”.

If someone said this to me I would think she was suggesting he is a shagger