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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Warned by BF's friend

224 replies

Oxycarpus · 19/08/2025 12:35

I met a female friend of my BF for the first time last weekend. She was with her male friend and we spent a couple of hours in their company. As we left and when my BF was out of earshot, she caught my attention and said "be careful" twice. I nodded but now I'm in a quandry about what to do next. We've been together 5 months and he seems a gentle man and we get on well. I feel like I should press for more information as this is some kind of mysterious cryptic message if I don't. I've started to imagine what demons are in his cupboard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oxycarpus · 19/08/2025 15:18

Damnd · 19/08/2025 14:02

He's clearly a cheat, surely that's obvious?!

That's one possibility. . . .

OP posts:
Original poster
Oxycarpus · 19/08/2025 15:21

BauhausOfEliott · 19/08/2025 14:39

If she knows this man is abusive, why is she still apparently good friends with him? I don't know any women who knowingly hang out with domestic abusers.

Show quote history

Maybe not an abuser - maybe a philanderer?

OP posts:
dogcatkitten · 19/08/2025 15:24

Could you ask your BF, say you thought she was really nice, you had half mentioned meeting up, but didn't get round to swapping numbers.

Original poster
Oxycarpus · 19/08/2025 15:25

dogcatkitten · 19/08/2025 15:24

Could you ask your BF, say you thought she was really nice, you had half mentioned meeting up, but didn't get round to swapping numbers.

I think that may seem a bit contrived asking for her number. I spent more time talking to her friend - although I did speak to her too.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 19/08/2025 16:00

Oxycarpus · 19/08/2025 15:15

She said it twice in succession. I was blind-sided and I don't know her. He was there (but in the background so I couldn't speak).

Show quote history

Fair enough, how odd. Definitely need to get to the bottom of it, but hard without contact information.

Dozer · 19/08/2025 16:01

Do you mean a physical address book or one on his phone? if the former and you know where it is I’d probably snoop to get her number!If you can’t find her via phone directory, social media or an employer’s website.

I wouldn’t try to get her contact details from him.

Lighteningstrikes · 19/08/2025 16:04

Can you try and track down her boyfriend and ask him for her number?

I would be feeling uneasy about it too, and would have to try and find out.

MamaElephantMama · 19/08/2025 16:06

I would be all upbeat and ask him if he has her name/number or social media as you’d love to make new friends.

Do not let on that she said anything.

Hoardasurass · 19/08/2025 16:20

Oxycarpus · 19/08/2025 15:21

Maybe not an abuser - maybe a philanderer?

Show quote history

Or maybe she wants a relationship with him and is trying to sabotage your relationship.
I'd be asking your partner more about her as she's clearly trying to cause you to doubt him in the way she's gone about this "friendly" warning

Rewis · 19/08/2025 16:35

I would probably ask him "when we met Jane last week, she told me to be careful. What was that about?" And then ask to talk to Jane or something.

Yeah, it is risky he will twist it. But it has been 5 months. And I think you can say a lot based on the vibe of his answer. I wouldn't trust this woman. If you want to warn someone, don't do this cryptic bs.

menopausalfart · 19/08/2025 16:37

I'd probably ask him what she meant and see if he squirms.

Dabberlocks · 19/08/2025 16:46

'Be careful' to me sounds like what we used to say to our friends years ago. A reminder to use contraception and not get carried away in the moment:
"Be good... and if you can't be good, be careful".

Maybe he has a history of dumping pregnant girlfriends.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/08/2025 16:55

I would ask your bf for her number as you want to keep in touch. If he is in any way reluctant that’s a bit of a worry!

if you’re going out with my ex I hope the females in his friendship group would warn you!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/08/2025 16:55

menopausalfart · 19/08/2025 16:37

I'd probably ask him what she meant and see if he squirms.

Don’t put her at risk of harm from him

menopausalfart · 19/08/2025 17:26

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I'm sure if he was violent, the friend would have said more.

dogcatkitten · 19/08/2025 17:33

Oxycarpus · 19/08/2025 15:25

I think that may seem a bit contrived asking for her number. I spent more time talking to her friend - although I did speak to her too.

Show quote history

Perhaps that was the problem, she was warning you off her man.

Thebigonesgetaway · 19/08/2025 17:42

dogcatkitten · 19/08/2025 17:33

Perhaps that was the problem, she was warning you off her man.

Show quote history

Meh, I doubt it. Ive been temped to do this with some of the women our friend dates and hinted at it too , . He is usually just with them for sex, isn’t very complimentary behind their backs and even talks to the men about the things they do sexually. They think they are in a relationship, we all know he’s with them because they are offering up sex and he doesn’t need to pay for it. Plus he has someone to go and do stuff with and who runs about doing stuff for him. Yes we have all spoken to him multiple times about it,as you can see the women are all enthralled,and it is far from reciprocated. When it is he tells us, when irs just a warm body who is willing to shag, cook and go places he uses them as a miss right now, often doesn’t even care what they look like. It’s horrendous.

there can be many reasons a woman says be careful and it’s seldom jealousy and possessiveness. Sometimes it is just feeling sorry for the woman as you know what he’s saying behind her back.

shivermetimbers77 · 19/08/2025 17:51

You need to get her number and ask her what she meant, or this will eat away at you.. Perhaps just say she mentioned something when you were chatting (eg about a hobby/interest of yours/place to go) you want to get in touch with her about it.. something casual like that.

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 19/08/2025 18:34

Can you ask your boyfriend if you could all meet up again as you enjoyed her company. Then ask for her contact details so you can arrange something yourself - say you really hit it off and would like to get to know her better. But in the meantime, a Claire’s Law enquiry would do no harm.

AgricClucky31 · 19/08/2025 18:38

teenmaw · 19/08/2025 12:48

That sounds like she’s privy to information you don’t yet have OP, she’s looking out for her fellow female. Claire’s law check perhaps?? I’d definitely try and probe a bit deeper here, something’s gone down that she didn’t like 🫤

This. 👆 100% this.

Mh67 · 19/08/2025 18:49

Do claires law check

gannett · 19/08/2025 18:49

I think back in the day my female friends and I might have been tempted to do this about some of our male friends. Nothing deeper than that they were just players and while good company and good friends, none of us would have dated them in a million years.

If it was anything more serious like abuse, the fact that she's hanging out with him socially undercuts her warning somewhat. I doubt that's the case, for that reason.

Warning the OP to be careful with him because he's vulnerable might be plausible but I'd think the tone would be very different and unmistakeable!

The good news about the male friends I'd have been tempted to warn girlfriends about is that most of them did grow up and stopped being players. It was very funny (in an affectionate/sweet kind of way) to watch some of them get utterly besotted in a way they swore they'd never do. So our warnings might not have been correct.

I do think it's kind of shitty of her to warn you with no context and I'd be trying to get back in touch with her to continue the conversation (surely it can't be that difficult to get her details or make up a pretext).

mumofoneAloneandwell · 19/08/2025 18:51

One thing ive learned is, as evil as men can be, so can women. They can be manipulative and spiteful.

Take it with a pinch of salt for now

If she says it again when you see her, ask her to explain, on the spot xx

steff13 · 19/08/2025 19:04

teenmaw · 19/08/2025 12:48

That sounds like she’s privy to information you don’t yet have OP, she’s looking out for her fellow female. Claire’s law check perhaps?? I’d definitely try and probe a bit deeper here, something’s gone down that she didn’t like 🫤

This is how I would take it. Very cryptic.

NoMatch4Me · 19/08/2025 19:04

I dont understand why people are blaming the friend here. It is common knowledge that the messenger is always shot and, at best, often ignored in these situations. To me, the friend has shared enough to warn the OP but not revealed too much to protect herself should the bf become aware of this and be able to pass it off as being jealous, obsessed friend who's always wanted him...

OP I would tread very carefully with this man and perhaps keep your eyes wide open for any red flags. You could approach the friend if you have the opportunity, and find out more information but please do it discreetly. Of course you have no loyalty to her but she may also have reasons to be careful in this situation too.

Edited to add that i also agree to submit a Claire's law request for your own benefit.

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