Warned by BF's friend

[Oxycarpus]

I met a female friend of my BF for the first time last weekend. She was with her male friend and we spent a couple of hours in their company. As we left and when my BF was out of earshot, she caught my attention and said "be careful" twice. I nodded but now I'm in a quandry about what to do next. We've been together 5 months and he seems a gentle man and we get on well. I feel like I should press for more information as this is some kind of mysterious cryptic message if I don't. I've started to imagine what demons are in his cupboard.

I have a friend who has old fashioned views about women and is a bit influenced by red pill. I'd never go out with him, but he makes an OK friend.

I’m honestly so sorry - I hope you are healing as best as you can.

God it’s so unfair.

Ok I see why you are worried but is it possible that your shoelace was undone

Why didn’t you tell her? Genuine question - not snark.

I’m finding the number of women knowingly protecting men they.know to be awful quite upsetting.

I wish I'd listened to some advice I was given in a similar situation years ago. It was the gf of a friend of my then bf. Her friend had gone out with my bf before. She told me that her friend had told her he was very controlling. He was. Ask a bit about his friend and he might happen to mention where she works etc and then you might be able to contact her without looking in his phone etc. Try to find out if there's ever been anything between them in case it's not genuine. But also sometimes you need to heed warnings.

I seriously doubt she wants him to herself

I would assume she meant he's a bit of a player, mucks girls around. I would just keep that in mind as you move forward.

I know loads of stuff about my friends.. would never date them & vice versa, I've felt the need to "warn" a potential new girlfriend/boyfriend.. don't ask her what she meant or message her privately, you're both (you & he) are doing fine

Jesus wept

Coukd be anything from such little information. Womaniser, serial dater, secret child, also like men, has a std, she likes him, her friend likes him, his parents are batshit, anger problems, alcoholic, substance abuse, commitment issues, abnormally needy, bad with money, gambling problem, works for Mi5, is a hitman, terminally ill, chronic depression.. you really need her to clarify what she meant.

Did it come across as a warning not to hurt him? Or a warning to look after yourself? Surely her tone and expression would give that much of a clue?

I took it as a warning to look after myself from the tone. Why would she assume I'd hurt him?

This is such a hard one - I agree 98% that she's telling you to keep your eyes open.

But the other 2% thinks it could be manipulation. It happened to me.
Received an anonymous warning about my now DH. Only for it to be one of his female friends wanting to put me off - because her close friend liked him.

I've said the same to a good male friend's new girlfriend. At the time he was a serial cheat. Lovely guy, and would genuinely fall for each new girl, but then something just couldn't stop him cheating.

All hell would have broken lose. If I had said anything things would have kicked off with me and my H. Hs sister did tell her directly and she still married him.

Did the four of you meet up on purpose, or did you run into the friend and her bf by chance and end up hanging out? It seems like if there's some history with this friend - either she knows something about your bf that he doesn't want you to know, or she'd be likely to say something negative about him that might be untrue or subjective - he might now not have specifically chosen her as someone to introduce you to. Can you ask him more about her, see if he says anything revealing?

Why would she assume I'd hurt him? If she meant something like "be careful not to hurt him", I'd guess it's nothing to do with you personally but perhaps he has a history of getting too serious too fast, or has been extremely, worryingly distraught over previous "routine" breakups? But I also think it was more likely that she was warning you to be careful YOU aren't hurt, especially if that's what you took from her tone or body language. I would check to see if there's anything about him in the public domain/via Claire's Law, etc. Have you met his family, other friends?

I’d follow up Clare’s law actions https://www.sussex.police.uk/police-forces/sussex-police/areas/campaigns/campaigns/clares-law---domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-dvds/

I’d be worried about a violent history

Me too. Clare's Law won't disclose some things.

My guess is that he's got a violent temper on him that OP won't have seen because they're still all loved up.

I’d be getting better friends rather than excusing this type of shit misogynist behaviour. Really? You want to hang around with men who treat women like this and, potentially, have to warn off their unwitting victims.

Lovely guy?? He really isn’t.

You’re just excusing behaviour that would seriously piss you off if you were the recipient rather than the onlooker

I think his mate reckons he has a wandering eye.

I'd put money on this being the issue. She's warning you that all his relationships have a short shelf life, and not to fall for him too hard.

I understand your reluctance to speak up more openly.

It can be a tricky situation because you warn people and they stay with the men 9/10 and then call you jealous if you’re single or a troublemaker if you’re not. I used To be vocal about warning women off these men and rarely got any thanks for it .

What's your gut feeling? I think serial cheats are a type quite often. There are also hints with controlling people. Angry temper? Surely there'd be a few red flags by now.

It's clear she wants to warn you off, but why? Could it be she's jealous of you and doesn't want him to have a girlfriend?