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Original poster

Worried about leaving DD home alone with DH

196 replies

Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:31

My only DD is seven. She's a really happy little girl usually.

Three or four years ago our family went through an awful time; I had recently recovered from cancer. DH had a load of other (extended) family stresses, bereavements, he lost his job and after a long series of arguments DH had a full mental breakdown.

He got a lot of treatment and steadily recovered. He is now working again and has seemed happy for ages.

I've noticed recently he seems extremely distracted, confused, overwhelmed, unaware of the details of what is going on. It is making our daughter very anxious and she's clinging to me. We are just back from a holiday which made it very obvious. She started a new camp and was begging me to stay (completely unlike her). I know DH won't notice. I've tired saying it to him but he just isn't getting it.

I've booked counseling for him and he's agreed to go. It's starting next week.

My pressing problem is my friend has gone through a horrific tragedy. She lives overseas. She's expecting me to arrive tomorrow for two days and I'm in a panic. I will be gone for two nights. I feel like I'm leaving my daughter with nobody to look after her.

I'm lying here awake worrying and can't figure out what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:
NOTANUM · 18/08/2025 23:34

Can you take your daughter with you or leave her with trusted family?
Does he have a parent who could move in for support?
Id be quite concerned in this case too.

Ladamesansmerci · 18/08/2025 23:36

Is there anyone else she can stay with, or can you take her with you?

Unfortunately, otherwise you will need to prioritise your child. It doesn't like like it would be fair on either your husband or your little girl in this situation.

Original poster
Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:37

NOTANUM · 18/08/2025 23:34

Can you take your daughter with you or leave her with trusted family?
Does he have a parent who could move in for support?
Id be quite concerned in this case too.

I have considered all these.

I think arriving with my daughter would be such a blow to my friend she would not forgive me. I also think it would be frightening for my daughter. I'm planning to just look after my friend for a couple of days, try to get her up dressed and outside for a while everyday. Then another friend is coming to take over. We don't want to leave her alone.

There isn't family to take my DD at such short notice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:38

My DH is adamant he is fine to look after her. But then I reference what happened on the holiday and he doesn't know what I'm talking about despite it being our third heated conversation about it in three days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:39

He's not engaged at all. I think she's going to be very anxious about relying on him.

OP posts:
DidILeaveTheGasOn · 18/08/2025 23:40

It sounds like your dh is mentally unwell, significantly to the point where he can't be the responsible adult.
I know it's a wrench but there isn't a way where you can be there for your friend and keep your child safe. That's probably why you can't sleep.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 18/08/2025 23:41

Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:37

I have considered all these.

I think arriving with my daughter would be such a blow to my friend she would not forgive me. I also think it would be frightening for my daughter. I'm planning to just look after my friend for a couple of days, try to get her up dressed and outside for a while everyday. Then another friend is coming to take over. We don't want to leave her alone.

There isn't family to take my DD at such short notice.

Show quote history

So you re going overseas to make sure a grown adult gets out of bed dresses and goes out.

Whilst leaving a seven year old behind in the care of a mentally unwell, adult who can't look after her properly.

That's not great, I m.Sorry, but your friend isn't your responsibility.

researchers3 · 18/08/2025 23:41

Doesn't sound safe to leave your little girl with DH. Plus it sounds like shes so afraid she will be traumatised.

If there aren't any other options, all you can do is call your friend and say you can either bring DD or not come at all.

DorothyStorm · 18/08/2025 23:42

It sounds like you dont think your daughter will be safe. What happens if you are right? You obviously cannot leave her with your dh, so what are your other options? Nanny service?

crumblingschools · 18/08/2025 23:43

Do you have a friend she could have a sleepover with? I would be prioritising your family over your friend’s at the moment

Littlemrsconfetti · 18/08/2025 23:43

You should of organised this sooner. Sorry but your child comes first OP. She doesn't want you to go for good reason. I would call your friend and explain you have your own issues right now too. Surely your friend will understand?

SpringSpruce · 18/08/2025 23:44

In no way should you be leaving her with him.
You have no way of predicting if he will have a complete breakdown, he doesn't sound in a sound mental state at all.
If it was a 10-11 year old that would be different, but an anxious 7 year old no. You need to prioritise her mental health too, if she's already anxious then adding in the realisation that you might go away for nights at a time is going to massively heighten her anxiety.
Someone else or public services need to help your friend.

MarketSt · 18/08/2025 23:44

researchers3 · 18/08/2025 23:41

Doesn't sound safe to leave your little girl with DH. Plus it sounds like shes so afraid she will be traumatised.

If there aren't any other options, all you can do is call your friend and say you can either bring DD or not come at all.

Absolutely agree with this.

Shoemadlady · 18/08/2025 23:45

You should not be leaving your child with your husband. If anything goes wrong or she’s distressed that’s going to be awful. Think you need to consider who your priority is, you should already know the answer.

Original poster
Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:47

Littlemrsconfetti · 18/08/2025 23:43

You should of organised this sooner. Sorry but your child comes first OP. She doesn't want you to go for good reason. I would call your friend and explain you have your own issues right now too. Surely your friend will understand?

I didn't know my friend's husband was going to die suddenly and tragically or I would have been better prepared.

OP posts:
FancyCatSlave · 18/08/2025 23:48

I can’t believe you’re even contemplating leaving your daughter with a mentally ill adult, or your mentally ill partner for a friend. I’m sorry but those are very skewed priorities.

SpringSpruce · 18/08/2025 23:48

If you're worried about your friend feeling let down or don't feel comfortable telling her about DHs MH then just tell her you and DD have a vomiting bug and have been up all night with it.
Regardless you need to find a way of telling her you can't go, because you can't. You have responsibility towards your daughter.

MeganM3 · 18/08/2025 23:48

Sorry, she has specifically asked her you not to leave her. Of course you should not leave her!
This is madness, he is clearly very unwell and she is a young child. I don’t think leaving HIM either is a good idea.
It has come at a terrible time but your DD is your highest priority and unfortunately your friend’s needs can’t be met by you right now. Unless you’re able to take your DD with you. Your family is in crisis.

LoudSnoringDog · 18/08/2025 23:49

Why does your friend need help getting out of bed and to get dressed?
your daughter is your priority

icedout · 18/08/2025 23:49

I think your daughter should be your priority. If you can’t trust her father to look after her appropriately and you have no one else she can stay with- either take her with you or stay at home. You can always support your friend emotionally on the phone. I know it’s not the same as being there in person but you’re obviously hesitant to leave your child for a good reason.

Original poster
Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:49

SpringSpruce · 18/08/2025 23:48

If you're worried about your friend feeling let down or don't feel comfortable telling her about DHs MH then just tell her you and DD have a vomiting bug and have been up all night with it.
Regardless you need to find a way of telling her you can't go, because you can't. You have responsibility towards your daughter.

This is a good idea thank you and given me another idea. I will see if our other friend who was coming after me can swap dates with me.

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 18/08/2025 23:51

Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:47

I didn't know my friend's husband was going to die suddenly and tragically or I would have been better prepared.

Show quote history

Sadly, it doesnt make a difference. It would be negligent of you to leave your child.

Original poster
Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:51

I didn't realise until this evening how bad he was. We had a serious talk last night and now he doesn't remember any of it.

OP posts:
freshin · 18/08/2025 23:55

Your husband is ill. He is unable to care for your child at this time. Your child needs you. She has nobody else. You need to prioritise her. I’m sorry for your friend but she is an adult. Your DH sounds in desperate need of help. Good luck to him, hopefully things will improve soon.

SpringSpruce · 18/08/2025 23:55

Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:51

I didn't realise until this evening how bad he was. We had a serious talk last night and now he doesn't remember any of it.

I would be concerned that there's something more serious going on than just depression. Distorted or missing memories and lack of reactiveness can be signs of psychotic episodes, not psychotic in the "media" sense of the word, but medical psychosis. Obviously it could be many things, but he needs a proper assessment done and absolutely shouldn't be in charge of a child alone.