Worried about leaving DD home alone with DH

[Goditsmemargaret]

My only DD is seven. She's a really happy little girl usually.

Three or four years ago our family went through an awful time; I had recently recovered from cancer. DH had a load of other (extended) family stresses, bereavements, he lost his job and after a long series of arguments DH had a full mental breakdown.

He got a lot of treatment and steadily recovered. He is now working again and has seemed happy for ages.

I've noticed recently he seems extremely distracted, confused, overwhelmed, unaware of the details of what is going on. It is making our daughter very anxious and she's clinging to me. We are just back from a holiday which made it very obvious. She started a new camp and was begging me to stay (completely unlike her). I know DH won't notice. I've tired saying it to him but he just isn't getting it.

I've booked counseling for him and he's agreed to go. It's starting next week.

My pressing problem is my friend has gone through a horrific tragedy. She lives overseas. She's expecting me to arrive tomorrow for two days and I'm in a panic. I will be gone for two nights. I feel like I'm leaving my daughter with nobody to look after her.

I'm lying here awake worrying and can't figure out what the right thing to do is.

OP, some of the responses you’ve had are unduly harsh, particularly given you’ve now acknowledged leaving your daughter isn’t going to work. I can totally see how your friend’s sudden tragedy has put you in a spin / the extreme circumstances led you to wonder if it might be ok to leave your daughter for 2 days. The last thing anyone wants to do is let a friend down under these circumstances.

Quite sensibly it sounds like you’re going to see if your friend can swap days which will hopefully give you the breathing space to make plans for your ‘turn’, or to explain to your poor friend why you can’t make it. Maybe your other friend could even do the extra days and you can treat her to a weekend away when everything is calmer.

Wishing you the best with what sounds like a really distressing set of circumstances.

So this sounds like what happened before with my DH. I took her away that time to my mother's and I had to travel over and back to get emergency services activated and other people to help.

I genuinely don't think he is close to that stage at all but I am fine tuned now to see the signs, the forgetfulness, the interrupting, the zoning out.

He's not there but he was before and I never want her to experience that again.

Can I also add that not only does your dd need you to be there, but so does your husband. In your place I could not leave him to spiral alone. I am so sorry for your friend, but there isn’t much that can be done now - it will take her years to recover, but your dh can be saved, he can recover with the right care. Your child needs you more than ever. There is not a chance I would leave either of them. Your family are also in crisis, or just about to be, please put your own oxygen mask on first x

Bless you - I am sorry for you all really I am x

You might be able to tell, but my mother also had a breakdown when I was around 9 years old. She couldn’t function and it was terrifying. I was so scared, the kind of terror that never leaves you.

Mental illlbess is really frightening for young children, because it feels like their parent has disappeared and suddenly life becomes unpredictable, tense and intense, whilst everything you trusted evaporates.

My father hid behind his work, and I have never felt so alone. Deeply alone. I would walk to the ends of the earth to avoid this happening to my dc.

You are the one main trusted rock solid person in DDs life, she is so lucky to have you, please don’t leave her in this situation. She isn’t old enough to cope or to care for herself.

@Goditsmemargaret What type of therapy is he starting? It should be an intense modality due to his symptoms. Is he on any medication? Maybe see the GP about starting some antidepressants or other meds to help him, even just temporarily. I hope he gets the support he needs

yes you cannot leave your DD

Glad to see you’ve decided to stay with your DD, OP. Please don’t change your mind, I’ve been in your DD’s shoes. Your DD only has you.

The fact he cannot remember a conversation you had last night is extremely worrying.
Hope your ok op and get things sorted

First part, I was thinking that 7yo doesnt need that much looking after. So him being distracted, not paying attention etc. shouldn't be an issue. But if it is making her clingy and anxious, then there are some serious issues (for both of them) and i wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them. Is there a way for your daughter to stay with a friend if it is only few days?

@Goditsmemargaret Swop- that's what I was thinking. Buy yourself some time to organise a trusted family member. xx

I don't really understand what your dh did on holiday that made you do worried. You said he is capable of holding down a job, and has steadily recovered. Can you spell out what the problems are apart from your DD wanting you near?

Err, RTFT

Sending hugs as this must be very difficult for you. You are a good friend and you will be there when you can. You are making all the right decisions for your daughter, friend and husband. 🥰

You have had lots of good advice @Goditsmemargaret, and I certainly don't want to add to your problems at all, but I think that there are one or two medical/trauma events that could be going on as well as, or instead of, him actually having another mental health breakdown. I know you are saying that his symptoms are just the same as last time, but medical coincidences can, and unfortunately do, sometimes happen.

I am worried that he could be having a chain of mini strokes, as what you are describing is also very similar to some of the symptoms of a mini stroke, and mini strokes are often a precursor to a full blown and often devastating stroke, so if there is any chance that they could be mini strokes then he needs to have a brain scan ASAP.

The other medical issue that can give similar results, but not so identical as the mini strokes, is dehydration. I think dehydration could be a possibility because of the very hot weather we have been having. Many people don't drink enough water during normal times, but in times of very hot, or even very warm weather, it is amazing how much extra water can be needed to replace the amount we may not even realise that we are losing.

Your DH is probably at the best age for this to not be a common problem, as it is much more dangerous for very young children, and for older people. With young children their bodies might not have learned how to self-regulate their temperatures, and with older people their bodies can start "forgetting" how to self-regulate. But in extreme weather conditions, and if someone is really busy, and therefore not 'listening' to what their bodies are telling them, even the healthiest of adults can succumb to dehydration.

I am very sorry if this has caused you any further anxiety OP, but I couldn't just ignore the possibility of either of the above conditions being either a contributing factor to your husbands possible mental health breakdown, or even the main cause of his symptoms.
I am wishing you, your DD, and your DH, the best of luck, for him to have a swift, and hopefully full, return to the best of health xxx

Could it be something else, like early onset dementia? Has he had covid recently, as it is known that covid infection causes cognitive decline? The cause of his current issues might be completely different to his previous breakdown.

I would ensure he has an assessment with a neurologist as he should be able to remember a conversation from last night.

Hi OP, I sympathise. My ex-H had - and still has - horrendous MH issues, to the point where he was writing random strings of words on Facebook, total gibberish.

What I found when he would have episodes after long times of being better is that he had come off his meds. Many people with MH issues have form for doing this, and my DH certainly did. It was hell when he did that.

If he is normally on meds, I strongly suspect that he has secretly come off them.

I think you are going to have to prioritise your husband and daughter and not go to see your friend. I would take her into your confidence and tell her why. If she doesn't understand then she doesn't, but staying at home is the only responsible thing to do, imo. Maybe you can go and see your friend when your husband is stable again.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. MH issues destroyed my marriage. (He left because of them.)

Just sending you my sympathy, OP. You're so alone here, aren't you, with a DH who needs your help and isn't capable of giving back, a child ditto, and a friend who's consumed by horror and also needs your help

Of course your little girl's needs must come first, but I hope you find your way through to making everyone safe enough for now. I very much hope, too, that you're able to find some support and comfort for yourself. You matter!

Your daughter is seven not seven months old.
Leave her home with her father for three days.
The best way for him to improve is for him to be THE one in charge of DD7.

Ask daughter to help make a list for herself.
List bedtimes, time to leave for school, favourite foods, that she doesn't stay home alone, emergency phone numbers, her favourite play clothes and books that she wants her Dad to read.
Make another simple list for your DH - No drinking alcohol, both stay out of the heat and drink water, DD7s bedtime and other important deadlines.

Your DD is old enough to bathe and dress herself.
She can ask for a sandwich or fruit if her Dad's food doesn't suit. Surely the worst thing to happen would be slight neglect like staying up too late and eating too much take away.

I'm a little surprised by the proposed delay in medical care...OP, you say he's exhibiting the same symptoms as before when he had a break from reality, so doesn't he need anti-psychotic medication? Presumably it's easier to head it off at the pass instead of waiting until he's in full-blown psychosis? A&E might not be a good environment for him, since he needs to be kept calm, but surely he has a psychiatrist from before? I would have thought they could see him and give him some meds.

This probably sounds really obvious, but try to make sure he gets some good sleep. That can make a difference with psychosis. Also, can you try to encourage him to take this week off work, so he can rest?

Oh my God, this is horrific advice. Parents in the grip of psychosis have been known to kill themselves and/or their children. The man cannot remember significant conversations from the night before and has a history of psychosis. OP, please don't listen to the above.

Have you read the thread. His mental state is deteriorating.

I think the OP is under reacting and he needs an urgent GP appt. This is more than a therapist’s job (I am an RMN). Mental health services are utterly shit right now but he needs urgent mental health care now.

I agree it doesn’t leave you. My Dad didn’t abandon me but he floundered with knowing what to do and it definitely changed the dynamic of our relationship with me stepping into the void and making decisions. One which stills exist nowadays and the same is probably true for my mum as well. A certain amount of enmeshment was created that has never gone away.

@Goditsmemargaret in the nicest way you can’t go to your friend - taking your DD is going to expose her to that grief and potentially not be there when something happens to her Dad and staying with another relative just passes responsibility onto someone else and yes at 7 she may want to step up.

he needs urgent health care - there is enough to first of all need to discount physical reasons and then he needs care. The jump of the precipice can be fast and you cannot assume it will follow the same timeline

because actually what you are dealing with could get worse very very quickly and hopefully your friend will understand that

This is ridiculous advice. I hope that the OP ( and anyone else) does not listen to this nonsense