Page 2 | Worried about leaving DD home alone with DH

Goditsmemargaret · 2025-08-18T22:31:19+00:00

My only DD is seven. She's a really happy little girl usually. Three or four years ago our family went through an awful time; I had recently recovered from cancer. DH had a load of other (extended) family stresses, bereavements, he lost his job and after a long series of arguments DH had a full mental breakdown. He got a lot of treatment and steadily recovered. He is now working again and has seemed happy for ages. I've noticed recently he seems extremely distracted, confused, overwhelmed, unaware of the details of what is going on. It is making our daughter very anxious and she's clinging to me. We are just back from a holiday which made it very obvious. She started a new camp and was begging me to stay (completely unlike her). I know DH won't notice. I've tired saying it to him but he just isn't getting it. I've booked counseling for him and he's agreed to go. It's starting next week. My pressing problem is my friend has gone through a horrific tragedy. She lives overseas. She's expecting me to arrive tomorrow for two days and I'm in a panic. I will be gone for two nights. I feel like I'm leaving my daughter with nobody to look after her. I'm lying here awake worrying and can't figure out what the right thing to do is.

mummymetalhead · 18/08/2025 23:55

Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:51

I didn't realise until this evening how bad he was. We had a serious talk last night and now he doesn't remember any of it.

Your daughter is your priority and she’s not safe with him. God forbid something were to happen while you were away, you’d never forgive yourself.
As awful and as heartbreaking as it is, you need to cancel on your friend.

Wibblywobblybobbly · 18/08/2025 23:55

I'm really sorry but you just can't leave her with him. It is just not worth the risk that you also experience a horrific tragedy as a result of your child being left in the care of a 7 year old man.

Try pulling in all the favours you can to get a trusted person to care for her. Or would a trusted person travel with you and your daughter and care for her while you are with with your friend during the day? Or could you hire a nanny at your destination to be with her during the day? Take a travel nanny with you?

Failing that you'll just have to call your friend and say you're dreadfully sorry but your husband is having a mental breakdown and you have significant concerns for your daughter's safety so cannot leave him in his care. I know she's having a horrific time, but surely no friend would expect you to leave your child in that situation?

Original poster

Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:57

Ok it's unanimous and it's what my gut is telling me also. I can't leave them alone together now I've noticed he's forgetting things again (it was the begining signs last time)

OP posts:

mummymetalhead · 18/08/2025 23:59

Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:57

Ok it's unanimous and it's what my gut is telling me also. I can't leave them alone together now I've noticed he's forgetting things again (it was the begining signs last time)

OP do you think your husband needs to be taken to A&E? It sounds like his mental health is deteriorating rapidly and I’d be anxious to get him seen to asap.
I’ve also had a mental breakdown before and am aware of how fast things can turn.

Original poster

Goditsmemargaret · 19/08/2025 00:01

Wibblywobblybobbly · 18/08/2025 23:55

I'm really sorry but you just can't leave her with him. It is just not worth the risk that you also experience a horrific tragedy as a result of your child being left in the care of a 7 year old man.

Try pulling in all the favours you can to get a trusted person to care for her. Or would a trusted person travel with you and your daughter and care for her while you are with with your friend during the day? Or could you hire a nanny at your destination to be with her during the day? Take a travel nanny with you?

Failing that you'll just have to call your friend and say you're dreadfully sorry but your husband is having a mental breakdown and you have significant concerns for your daughter's safety so cannot leave him in his care. I know she's having a horrific time, but surely no friend would expect you to leave your child in that situation?

Thanks for this reply, very helpful. I'll try all and any of those options. I've been thinking "I've only just noticed he seems out of sorts, it was months before things got bad last time, surely two days would be ok" But then I think: that doesn't mean it won't be fast this time and I don't actually know the extent of it last time as she was too young to really tell me. Also he's so distracted, I don't trust his judgement.

OP posts:

Tiswa · 19/08/2025 00:01

How awful it is for your friend and her tragedy your priority is your family and your daughter and you just simply can’t go swapping dates it just passing this down the line nothing is going to be fixed in 2 days time

and you DH needs to see a doctor

Maplebean · 19/08/2025 00:02

Please don’t go. Prioritise your child above all else. Always.

you just need to tell your friend the truth and suck up the consequences, knowing you protected your child.

tinyspiny · 19/08/2025 00:03

You need to be honest with your friend and tell her that your daughter will have to come with you as your husband is not mentally well enough to look after her , that or cancel .

Original poster

Goditsmemargaret · 19/08/2025 00:03

mummymetalhead · 18/08/2025 23:59

OP do you think your husband needs to be taken to A&E? It sounds like his mental health is deteriorating rapidly and I’d be anxious to get him seen to asap.
I’ve also had a mental breakdown before and am aware of how fast things can turn.

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No. I did end up taking him last time to A&E but he's not close to that stage. I spoke to the counsellor at length today and she said next week was ok to start his sessions but to keep things calm. At that point the travel wasn't a topic.

OP posts:

Tiswa · 19/08/2025 00:03

@Goditsmemargaret i was 7 when my mum had my her psychotic break in front of me - and i still have clear memories of it now. But my Dad was there had I been alone when it happened then I dread to think of it.

I noticed her behaviour in fact the evening it happened I was the one who raised it with my Dad and I still see it now. I knew at that moment she wasn’t my Mum, she was a different person

Original poster

Goditsmemargaret · 19/08/2025 00:04

Tiswa · 19/08/2025 00:01

How awful it is for your friend and her tragedy your priority is your family and your daughter and you just simply can’t go swapping dates it just passing this down the line nothing is going to be fixed in 2 days time

and you DH needs to see a doctor

He is going to see a doctor later this week.

OP posts:

Original poster

Goditsmemargaret · 19/08/2025 00:05

Tiswa · 19/08/2025 00:03

@Goditsmemargaret i was 7 when my mum had my her psychotic break in front of me - and i still have clear memories of it now. But my Dad was there had I been alone when it happened then I dread to think of it.

I noticed her behaviour in fact the evening it happened I was the one who raised it with my Dad and I still see it now. I knew at that moment she wasn’t my Mum, she was a different person

Ok that's all I needed to hear. Thank you and I'm so sorry you went through that.

OP posts:

pizzaHeart · 19/08/2025 00:06

OneNeatBlueOrca · 18/08/2025 23:41

So you re going overseas to make sure a grown adult gets out of bed dresses and goes out.

Whilst leaving a seven year old behind in the care of a mentally unwell, adult who can't look after her properly.

That's not great, I m.Sorry, but your friend isn't your responsibility.

Edited

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This^
its a harsh way of putting it but essentially it’s that.

Nestingbirds · 19/08/2025 00:10

You can not go op. It’d much too risky. Other people are going to have to step in for your friend. Especially as she lives overseas, you are too far away, the risks are too high.

Your responsibility is to your young child, she is very vulnerable and you have to protect her.

It sounds like your dh needs to be sectioned. He doesn’t sound well at all. I am sorry you have so much on your plate, and such hard decisions to make but your child has to come first.

Original poster

Goditsmemargaret · 19/08/2025 00:12

To be clear; my DH is still doing his job and putting on a show of looking normal. However I can see the signs. They are similar to before and my daughter is unsettled.

Thanks all for the replies.

I reached out to a family member who said they can be here by late tomorrow afternoon if they need to be.

I also messaged my friend and explained my dilemma. I've given her the choice that I bring DD or don't come.

So I'm not leaving her with him either way.

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate them.

OP posts:

GrumblyHedge · 19/08/2025 00:15

Goditsmemargaret · 18/08/2025 23:47

I didn't know my friend's husband was going to die suddenly and tragically or I would have been better prepared.

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Ignore them, OP, there’s one (or five) on every thread. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Original poster

Goditsmemargaret · 19/08/2025 00:15

GrumblyHedge · 19/08/2025 00:15

Ignore them, OP, there’s one (or five) on every thread. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

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Thank you so much for your kindness.

OP posts:

Phobiaphobic · 19/08/2025 00:16

I don't have any answers, OP, but I just wanted to say I am sorry you're dealing with all this. It sounds like a very heavy load.

GrumblyHedge · 19/08/2025 00:16

DorothyStorm · 18/08/2025 23:51

Sadly, it doesnt make a difference. It would be negligent of you to leave your child.

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Her response was to a poster berating her for not planning ahead.

Nestingbirds · 19/08/2025 00:19

Op, a relative popping in is not fhe same as a trusted parent.

Your friend is an adult, yes she is upset, devastated but she is not a child and has access to specialist services, support and other friends and family members. I don’t think it’s going to be very good for your dd being around someone mentally very unwell, and now a traumatised adult friend as well.

Why are you insisting on going? I can’t understand why you would compromise your dd like this. She needs calm stability right now, your reassuring presence and your dh needs to be seen urgently before his symptoms worsen. That is your priority.

bert3400 · 19/08/2025 00:19

I really feel for you. I understand your friend needs you and will probably not understand your dilemma. Grief is awful, but your young child is really your priority. If something happens while you are away, you would never recover. I hope you find a resolution, it must be very difficult ❤️

Tiswa · 19/08/2025 00:21

Goditsmemargaret · 19/08/2025 00:05

Ok that's all I needed to hear. Thank you and I'm so sorry you went through that.

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Thank you. It was complete break was quick but the signs were there probably 2/3 months beforehand that I can remember now. Back then it was Doctor coming to your house early in the morning and she was committed to a psychiatric hospital for 3-4 days before being released. I visited her becuase I insisted and my Dad just didn’t really know what was for the best. In hindsight probably not the best idea!
she came out was on medication and then worked through the issues. Some of which she only revealed to me as I was older (which was right it was given was it involved) and then was fine and it never happened again

it is difficult to plan it can very much come out of nowhere

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 19/08/2025 00:22

It's highly probable that DD is seeing rages or rants or hearing threats or dark predictions that you are not privy to.

Bloozie · 19/08/2025 00:22

It doesn’t sound like your husband should be left alone either, OP. Even if you manage to find a relative or friend to care for your daughter, or took her with you, what else will your husband forget while you’re away? How quickly might he continue to spiral downwards?

I am so so sorry that you’re in this position. You must feel like you’re carrying the weight of the world.

Goldbar · 19/08/2025 00:23

You have made the right call. I'm sure your friend will understand that you can't leave a young child with someone who is incapable of caring for them and potentially a danger.

I am sorry that both you and your friend are having such tough times at the moment.