Worried about leaving DD home alone with DH

[Goditsmemargaret]

My only DD is seven. She's a really happy little girl usually.

Three or four years ago our family went through an awful time; I had recently recovered from cancer. DH had a load of other (extended) family stresses, bereavements, he lost his job and after a long series of arguments DH had a full mental breakdown.

He got a lot of treatment and steadily recovered. He is now working again and has seemed happy for ages.

I've noticed recently he seems extremely distracted, confused, overwhelmed, unaware of the details of what is going on. It is making our daughter very anxious and she's clinging to me. We are just back from a holiday which made it very obvious. She started a new camp and was begging me to stay (completely unlike her). I know DH won't notice. I've tired saying it to him but he just isn't getting it.

I've booked counseling for him and he's agreed to go. It's starting next week.

My pressing problem is my friend has gone through a horrific tragedy. She lives overseas. She's expecting me to arrive tomorrow for two days and I'm in a panic. I will be gone for two nights. I feel like I'm leaving my daughter with nobody to look after her.

I'm lying here awake worrying and can't figure out what the right thing to do is.

So what about your DH? It's clearly not safe leaving your daughter with him, but what about him? Is it safe leaving him by himself? Will someone be with him while you are away?

Other things that could happen - dad is so zoned out he causes a fire, dad has a psychotic break and starts yelling at a hallucination infront of DD, dad has a psychotic break and anger is directed at DD, DD asks dad to read her a book and can't get any response because he's staring into space and she's terrified, 7 year old DD has to feed herself the entire 3 days, DD gets a sickness bug and is left to clean herself up with no comfort, DD has a medical emergency and dad doesn't even notice because he's zoned out or has left the house.

@Goditsmemargaret

I’m sorry to hear what your friend has gone through, but I don’t think you can leave your family.

Does your friend have other support nearby?
Even in this terrible circumstance, I wouldn’t expect a friend to come abroad to support me and leave their own family in a difficult situation.

Your daughter comes first. Trust your instinct and don’t leave her.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this OP but your first priority here is your daughter and you have acknowledged that. I dont think a friend staying with your daughter whilst your husband potentially has a psychotic break down is safe either tbh- she will need her mum with her if that happens because she will need reassurance and to feel safe.

I am very sorry for what your friend has been through but frankly, if she would prefer you to put your daughter's safety at risk to spend time with her then she is not a good friend.

I have been through very traumatic grief several times myself and at no point would I ever expect this of a friend if it may potentially put any of their children at risk. Your friend is an adult who can access grief resources/call on others if she needs help. Your daughter is a child and does not have the agency to support herself in such a manner.

OP: The broader issue is that you have no-one to leave your 7-year-old DD with for an emergency. As a cancer survivor there always the danger of remission. If your DH has a psychotic break, who will be there for your daughter if your household has such an emergency with you in hospital for treatment?

I agree with PPs that your DD absolutely takes priority over your friend. You mentioned that a family member was coming, so you must wait for the family member to arrive before being there for your friend so that your DD is safe. I disagree with the notion of travelling with your DD to your friend's location...it is too much for a 7-year-old.

Wishing you the best OP in this dreadful and stressful situation.

Your daughter is more important. You’ll have to cancel the trip if your friend doesn’t want to see your daughter (and you shouldn’t take her if your friend is mentally unstable). I also don’t think you should stay with your husband if he’s so unstable. He has already damaged your daughter’s mental health.

@Goditsmemargaret as awful as what happened to your friend is her trauma has happened - she is now in the grieving and healing process that though awful isn’t going to get worse, the bottom for her is hit and she is figuring out now how to cope with her new normal. Something she is going to have to go

However for your family the trauma is ongoing and both of them need someone to steer them through it and that person has to be you.

You have to stay for them and in this a family member however close isn’t going to be enough. You were lucky last time I think is they she was probably too young to see what was happening - trust me from experience at 7 she isn’t and it is an age she will remember.

as awful as what happened to your friend is her trauma has happened - she is now in the grieving and healing process that though awful isn’t going to get worse, the bottom for her is hit and she is figuring out now how to cope with her new normal. Something she is going to have to go

Exactly and also OP- you arent going to "fix" your friend's grief in a two day trip anyway- you simply arent that powerful. Two days is literally nothing when it comes to the grief process which can go on for years. Your friend will need ongoing support for months and little check ins over the next few months either by phone or via face time is probably going to benefit her far more than you being there intensely for two days only at the beginning of her grieving process.

Yeah it's not very clear. For example if you called over and had dinner with us you would think that my DH was a quiet man, distracted by something and not very chatty. You might observe he seems to have a lot on his mind. You'd probably think I seem snappy with him. Actually that would have been the scenario for the last few weeks now that I think of it.

I can see very clearly now that he isn't following conversations at all but he is pretending to. He is spiralling and getting stuck in loops. So he makes noises at appropriate times.

The last time I thought it was dementia but it was ruled out. He wasn't making memories at all as apposed to forgetting them.

Either you take your daughter with you, or you don't go. Your friend can suck it up. Why are you responsible for a grown adult, anyway? She can pay for carers if she is that desperate.

Thank you so much. Honestly I am trying not to give energy responding to the few horrible people seizing the opportunity to put the boot in. One awful person sneering at my supposed 'win' and calling me manipulative. I am literally trying to figure something out as it is happening. Most people have been so helpful and I can't say how much I appreciate the adults who have shared their experiences of what it's like to be a child in this situation.

Yes to all of this. These are the things that could have happened before definitely. I think I realised deep down even as we were going on the holiday as her dad was making a deal with her he would take her to Disney just the two of them (I often do mummy daughter trips so it's fair he has a turn) and I had a visceral stab of absolutely no way are you taking her anywhere.

Um. RTFT perhaps

You are the only one with this recommendation

And the MN Empathy Award goes to...

Would you 'suck it up' if your DH died suddenly?

You're trying your best OP and making the right decision. Trust your gut here but possibly push for your DH to get treatment sooner.

Is he on any meds he might've stopped taking?

Thank you.

At no point on this thread did I say my friend was insisting I go. I hadn't told her any of this when I posted. She is a wonderful friend which is why I wanted to step up and help her navigate some of the funeral stuff etc.

She told me I have to do what's right and that she doesn't think she can cope with a child. She said she was very sorry I'm going through this.

I've phoned the doctor and explained. As he was previously discharged from mental health services I have to go this route. They are phoning me back later today. I've taken my daughter to camp and my relative is coming over later to take her out for a bit.

Thanks to everyone for all your support.

He hasn't been on meds for ages. He came off them gradually under supervision. He exercises to a high level but is injured. I don't think this is helping.

What was his upbringing like?
Do you know what triggers his stress?

Your friend is a grown up adult and she can ask help from her family while your daughter is a child who completely relies on you. You need to prioritise your child's wellbeing.

Hi OP,

I don’t have specific suggestions about your plans abroad, but I would strongly recommend meeting with a mental health therapist for parent-led CBT-based interventions.

In my previous work with parents, we focused on how parental anxiety can affect children; both contributing to the development of anxiety and maintaining it. It’s really important that you and your partner sit down with a professional to work through this together.

Counselling just for him is unlikely to be enough; you both need to understand these dynamics and put strategies in place for your child. Without that, there’s a real risk she may grow up struggling with significant anxiety.

@Goditsmemargaret have you had any response from your friend yet

A doctor explained to me once that some people have a chemical imbalance where the only way they can cope is to take medication. A bit like having high blood pressure or cholesterol or bipolar etc. You wouldn't suggest they stop taking meds. I think people feel they have to wean themselves off meds but if it makes life easier and happier then why not stay on them. Maybe your husband is one of these people.

His childhood was awful. He has sought therapy in the past.

He is consumed with loss. His adult children are NC with him the last five years. He told me last night he is thinking of them all the time, replaying memories of them and that's why he can't focus on what is going on around him. He misses them so much, it's all he can think of.

I am heartbroken for him but I also know that if he continues down this path our child will end up NC with him too.

I don't think I can add anything that anyone else has said but I just wanted to say well done for prioritising your daughter. My DM suffered with mental health issues that sounds similar to your DH except I was 8 and my DF didn't protect me from any of it, in fact I had to look after and my siblings whilst he was working.

You're in a really tough position but your primary responsibility is your daughter. Hopefully you can find an alternative and get to see your friends too.