Worried about leaving DD home alone with DH

[Goditsmemargaret]

My only DD is seven. She's a really happy little girl usually.

Three or four years ago our family went through an awful time; I had recently recovered from cancer. DH had a load of other (extended) family stresses, bereavements, he lost his job and after a long series of arguments DH had a full mental breakdown.

He got a lot of treatment and steadily recovered. He is now working again and has seemed happy for ages.

I've noticed recently he seems extremely distracted, confused, overwhelmed, unaware of the details of what is going on. It is making our daughter very anxious and she's clinging to me. We are just back from a holiday which made it very obvious. She started a new camp and was begging me to stay (completely unlike her). I know DH won't notice. I've tired saying it to him but he just isn't getting it.

I've booked counseling for him and he's agreed to go. It's starting next week.

My pressing problem is my friend has gone through a horrific tragedy. She lives overseas. She's expecting me to arrive tomorrow for two days and I'm in a panic. I will be gone for two nights. I feel like I'm leaving my daughter with nobody to look after her.

I'm lying here awake worrying and can't figure out what the right thing to do is.

Agree with this and others.

Your friend will have to draw on her support network or professionals. You can’t draw on yours to prioritise your friend over your daughter who is a vulnerable child telling you by her behaviour she doesn’t feel safe.

I agree he shouldn't be left alone with your child and I'd be very concerned about leaving him alone at all. What a horrible situation for you. Your poor friend. I think in the end your friend has to decide whether you come on your own at another date or whether you bring your child with you now.

Please read the full thread before putting such dangerous advice. This man has forgotten a serious conversation from the night before. He could literally have a psychotic breakdown at any point , and if he were in charge of a 7 year old it would be at least very traumatic and scary for her, and at worst, extremely dangerous.

Read all Op's posts..
Op, obviously your DH needs an immediate assessment as to his health.
Is he mentally ill, off his meds or about to become psychotic?
Is he dehydrated?
Has he had mini strokes?
Is he over worked and a little forgetful?

You need to confirm whether he is well enough to care for his DD.
If the doctors examine him and deem him well enough to care for DD, then you need to choose to stay and support him or leave for your friend.

I, personally, would not be travelling to be with an adult friend if I were as worried about my DH and daughter unless I saw improvements.

This. Your daughter takes priority and no way I would be leaving her right now.

Your daughter is 7 and needs you. She needs to come first before anyone!

This. Your Friend isn't being a good friend in return is she?
Is she paying for your flights?
She would break the friendship due to you keeping your child safe?

Agree, why not just give that list to the friend, then op doesn't have to go over!

OP - I agree you need to stay with your girl/take her with you, but I feel your dilemma. My friend’s husband suddenly died - in his 40s, she found him when she got home - and the level of trauma was horrendous. I get how torn you feel, and know it’s not an easy thing.
I’d also agree that using the MH team now, before your husband reaches crisis point is the way forward- is he still under a care team? If not, is there a contact you can reach in his previous team?

This comment comes across as manipulative and it’s not the “win” you appear to think it is. It is very sad for your friend but your child comes first and you should not have put yourself forward to be on the rota to stay with your friend. Your child needs you and to me it sounds like your DH needs you. Your friend needs friends but it doesn’t have to be you.

Your daughter needs you more than your friend. If your daughter doesn't feel safe with your DH you can't leave her with him.

It is also worth noting that a very good friend, even in an emergency, would never ever ask you to put your child at risk,

Maybe df is in shock and raw disbelief, and can not think straight - in normal times I am assuming she would never advise you to leave your young child or your dh in circumstances like this. No one would. It’s a massive safe guarding risk.

You might feel uncomfortable not being able to comfort your friend, and I understand that, maybe she can fly and stay with you instead? Then you can make local arrangements for dd to keep her occupied. Even that is a huge ask given what you are going through op.

Your biggest issue at the moment is the possibility of a psychotic episode developing. Your counsellor can not deal with a front line emergency mental health crisis such as this, it will require medication and possibly hospitalisation.

Keeping dh calm won’t make an ounce of difference if this is where he is headed. He needs powerful anti psychotic drugs possibly, and a clinical psychiatrist and assessment at the very least.

If you can book an urgent appointment today with your GP, or speak to the local crisis team, they can usually come out and give him an assessment. Maybe there is part of you that can’t really face this again op? You would rather escape and comfort your friend, than face the pressing issues at home. You do really need to stay here.

You may be able to get ahead of this now if you move quickly. The drugs available can be very effective. Good luck. Take some time out to look after yourself op. The pressure is not insignificant. Love to you and dd 💐

Worst advice I've read on this website!

@Goditsmemargaret . I think you have made the right decision telling your friend that you can’t leave your daughter.

Having been through similar, I’m thinking of you. It is so distressing for everyone involved. I am always on watch for any “warning” signs and so always spot it before anyone else. You and your daughter will be the same, you will recognise the signs earlier. Trust that judgement.

Oh my god give her a break. I think she’s aware of the priorities, and you could have overlooked her reaction to a frankly silly post given the circumstances.

I hope you have support in place for yourself OP. It must be tough having a husband with such a difficult mental health issue, a really young child, limited family support and a friend in crisis. Be kind to yourself, you can’t fix everything and be there for everyone as much as you would want to. It shows you are a good person the fact that you are even trying to work out how to be there.

Hope you manage to find a solution that suits, sometimes making everyone happy is detrimental to your own wellbeing. Hope you’re ok. Also thanks for reminding me of that great book from your username, I loved it.

However, you should be prepared to parent.
She is a minor who is your child.
Your responsibility is to ensure she is safe and secure.
This should be your priority not your friend in this situation.

Your daughter will feel abandoned and this may affect her trusting you in future.

You can’t rescue your friend & let your daughter suffer. She is your priority. Can she have a sleepover with a school friend?

My husband is in the same condition. My kids are much older. I left him to care for them while I went away for 2 nights in the same country and he wasn't as bad.
They weren't traumatised, I don't think, but they felt very uncomfortable and upset by it. It does worry me that they are being traumatised by it and I'm around and take them out and away from him as much as I can.
Sadly your friend has had a terrible tragedy but she's an adult. Your 7 year old needs to be a priority. Also your friends need to know (not necessarily the one bereaved), but the others as you may also need support and understanding if you pull out. He won't be better for you to be able to swap round a couple if days later.

You are a mother. That is your first priority. Your friend will find a way through. Or not. Whatever happens to her you have to live with the consequences. If anything were to happen to your daughter you would not be able to live with it. Cancel the trip. Even the money you lose will be worth it for the wellbeing of your child, which you cannot put a price on.

I’m sorry OP it’s a shit situation and it’s horrible feeling like you can’t be there for your friend. You’ve already had good advice but I wanted to acknowledge that it’s not easy and you’re a good friend for wanting to be there for her despite the stuff you’ve got going on yourself.

I’m sorry about your friend but your daughter should be your priority.

Yes. Basically, my father was something similar.
I'm very low contact with mother (in another country).
Where are your priorities, OP?

How awful for your friend, I completely understand how your first instinct is to get to her and help. I think think a lot of people on Mumsnet don't prioritise friends and I wonder if you would get such vicious answers if you had said your sister instead. Personally I have friends who are much closer than my family to me. I do agree that your daughter can't be left and I don't think it would be right to take her either. Does she have a close school friend she could be left with? I would help in these circumstances for one of my DDs friends, even if I didn't know the mother well. What ever happens, I think you sound like a lovely person and I'm sorry you have all this to deal with.