Worried about leaving DD home alone with DH

[Goditsmemargaret]

My only DD is seven. She's a really happy little girl usually.

Three or four years ago our family went through an awful time; I had recently recovered from cancer. DH had a load of other (extended) family stresses, bereavements, he lost his job and after a long series of arguments DH had a full mental breakdown.

He got a lot of treatment and steadily recovered. He is now working again and has seemed happy for ages.

I've noticed recently he seems extremely distracted, confused, overwhelmed, unaware of the details of what is going on. It is making our daughter very anxious and she's clinging to me. We are just back from a holiday which made it very obvious. She started a new camp and was begging me to stay (completely unlike her). I know DH won't notice. I've tired saying it to him but he just isn't getting it.

I've booked counseling for him and he's agreed to go. It's starting next week.

My pressing problem is my friend has gone through a horrific tragedy. She lives overseas. She's expecting me to arrive tomorrow for two days and I'm in a panic. I will be gone for two nights. I feel like I'm leaving my daughter with nobody to look after her.

I'm lying here awake worrying and can't figure out what the right thing to do is.

You’ve done the right thing by explaining the situation to your friend. Although a ‘stomach bug’ can be useful in some circumstances you really need your friend to understand that you won’t necessarily be able to go next week if she doesn’t want a child there. I would try to support your friend by talking, face timing etc if she’s up to that. I’m sorry that you’re under so much pressure, and very sorry for your friend’s loss.

I'm just reading up on this now thanks

You need to put your family first either take your daughter or stay at home

The rest is down to you - ie do what you are going to do anyway

Thanks. I didn't feel comfortable telling her a lie so I went with the truth but kept it brief. I doubt she's interested in the details, she's overwhelmed already.

You did the right thing OP. I would have been doing the same thing initially, going to a friend’s aid, but as pp said, you just aren’t in the position for it. Your friend will be, yes, in a terrible state, but not life threatening. I think your DH sounds like the overwhelming priority here and in no fit state to look after your DD. I hope some support and intervention is the answer for DH and he gets better soon ❤️

I agree with this.

Everything the OP has written could have been my DP.

Not remembering things, to the point I've questioned both his and my own sanity, the lights are on but nobody's home, the not being able to recognise anyone else around you or their needs, time feeling like it passes differently for them.

I don't mean to sound alarmist but it left DP coming downstairs one day, speaking in utter confabulations, genuinely not a sensible word coming out, making us panic and think he was having some sort of stroke, and not being able to trust him alone with our child for years, and that lead to him feeling lonely, infantilised and isolated but it was a necessary evil by that point for our child's safety.

OP it sounds like a dreadful situation for you all, but your husband needs you right now.

I think you're doing the right thing. Be honest with your friend - do not underplay your DH's situation (or use expressions like 'out of sorts' which you are using to soothe yourself).

Tell her your DH experienced psychosis during a previous breakdown (if she already knows he had a breakdown tell her you didn't tell her at that time how bad it was). And that as horrendous as the timing is, DD will be in serious psychological and possibly physical danger if it happens while he is alone with her, as you believe is very likely, and you cannot take that risk.

Re his treatment: a counsellor is NOT equipped to support someone experiencing a serious breakdown and particularly not psychosis. It is dangerous for both the client and the counsellor and the fact that s/he has accepted him as a client is a further indication that she's not suitable.

If you are paying privately please seek out a psychodynamic psychotherapist (not CBT, interpersonal, humanist, or integrated) or a psychiatrist.

So few of us fully understand the difference between a counsellor and a psychotherapist - one reason for that is that psychotherapists are more expensive to train (five years minimum) so it's in the interests of both the NHS, and private counsellors who make a living from the confusion, to keep it that way.

But counsellors are closer to life coaches than to psychotherapists - you can qualify after a two year evening class. The training is really a matter of learning active listening (can be taught in two or three sessions) and understanding the basic principles of the various psychotherapy approaches.

They don't have to have had their own longterm therapy to identify and deal with aspects of their own personality/development which would impact how they treat vulnerable clients as psychotherapists do (and tbh even that is not always sufficient).

And they are not obliged to work under the supervision of a more senior colleague as another safety valve.

I would never ever send anyone I cared about to a counsellor for a serious mental health issue. Even as a 'wellbeing' or 'self-care investment' they can do more harm than good. The relationship with the client is inevitably imbalanced in terms of power, and there are plenty of people who are drawn to it for that reason.

No I do mostly understand the differences. I went to psychotherapy for four years in my twenties. My mother is a psychoanalyst and my brother a psychotherapist.

I booked this CBT therapist before I became very worried and I'm hoping she can give some temporary coping measures. I'm nearly positive he has ADHD and this woman treated my friend.

However I am pushing to get him back under psychiatric care before it goes too far. Because he was discharged from the services before he needs to go back by GP referral.

A new problem now -

He has just come in and told me he has cancelled his GP appointment tomorrow as it clashes with a work meeting. He claims he needs to clean up someone's mess. I honestly dread to think what is actually going on. I hope he can stay under the radar while he gets back on an even keel or he will be losing this job too.

He's now been put on a standby list for aGP appointment on Thursday. I am livid he has delayed this.

I'm confused about why he ever stopped meds or counselling?

I wouldve though someone this ill within the last few years should still be taking meds and having regular therapy. A mental breakdown where you dissociate like you've described is surely not something that is just short term treatment?
Is this part of the reason his adult children have nothing to do with him?

Yes to the question about his adult kids but I don't think they'd phrase it or understand it like that. I'm sure they just think he never listens and that he is willfully being difficult. I nearly left him in the run up to his fall apart.

I don't know why he isn't on meds. He initially went to the centre everyday, they reduced it over time then finally discharged him. He was weaned off the very strong meds over a period of about a year and he went to therapy outside for a further year or two.

Oh ok that's useful (and unusual!).

BUT I don't think he'll be able to engage with CBT at all, and if she's any good she'll discount herself if you describe his current state.

Is your relationship your mother or brother such that you can involve them for advice and/or (i would start with your brother) a referral to a colleague?

Op you’ve done right not leaving DD alone with her dad. She has to be protected in this situation. It’s sad this is the case though - a child should be safe with their dad.

But gently Op have you thought that some of what you describe could be partly his personality? It’s quite extreme for all his children, who have known him longer than you, to go no contact. Could some of this not listening and self focus be his personality?

If it me, I would support him but also put the onus on him to go and seek appropriate medication and support. And Id put your Dd first and if she’s unsafe around him focus on making her safe first. Sounds like that’s what you did last time which is great. Just don’t forget the impact this could all be having on her. Or you. X

I'm sorry your friend has suddenly lost her husband.

In this situation it's not essential that she get out of bed for the few days until your other friend arrives.

I was meaning more, is it possible his adult children have seen him go on and off meds for years and have just lost patience with him making the choice to come off meds and then get unwell again? Or is it possible they've tried talking to him in the past about his issues?

I just find it slightly odd he has been weaned off all meds and stopped counselling within a few years of a breakdown. Is it possible he isnt being entirely honest about that?

Psychotic breakdown when already struggling (and off meds) can be abrupt and extreme. He should not be left with the care of a child. He can’t be a functioning parent and supportive partner right now. I’m glad your friend is understanding. You can still support her but it will have to be at a distance.

Tell your mate that you’re sorry, but you can’t make it.

Then just look after your daughter.

I lost my husband, and I was on my knees, it’s the worst thing ever, but you just have to do a day at a time, and get on with it.

I’m so sorry @JackGrealishsBobbySocks that sounds incredibly hard.

My DH was sectioned after a complete mental breakdown and was just discharged with nothing a few weeks after coming home because he looked ' so much better!' and a prescription refill every month!
@Goditsmemargaret I've had to call nhs111 option 2. I wasn't sure it was that bad but they referred DH straight away to the crisis team. So it may be worth giving them a call. It's a 24 hour service.

Ah, I just read your updates about him coming off meds and cancelling an appointment.

My DP has done this a few times too and it's taken a lot of come to jesus chats about the importance of the medication and engaging.

My DP has cancelled appointments because they "are bloody useless and they just don't get it", which I understand to a degree, it can feel circular. The trouble is you can't force him to engage and if he isn't ready to engage he won't.

You can however decide if this is how you want life to be for yourself, because you can't keep shouldering all of these traumas and crises for other people when you've been through so much yourself. You can tell him that you love him and support him but he needs to also make decisions that show he loves and supports himself too, and that he needs to prioritise his health over work.

It's a difficult spot to be in, because he needs support, but it's ok to decide if you can reasonably give him that support whilst keeping your child safe.

The issue seems to be that your dh or his team have decided the psychotic episode was potentially a one off. Many practitioners don’t like leaving patients on heavy anti psychotics for long periods. I am assuming he was under secondary care? It is a shame you are having to start the process again from the beginning.

What you have learnt is that it is likely the last episode is not a ‘one off’ - this looks to be potentially a long term mental health issue/disorder, and he has probably been hiding his condition as it has deteriorated in the last few weeks/month. He probably fears losing you/losing his job, there is sometimes shame attached etc.

The fact he is prioritising a work meeting over accessing proper care as soon as possible, indicates some denial, maybe avoidance - but it could be that he isn’t able to see how seriously unwell he has become. Are you attending the app with him? I think I would be going, to ensure he is relaying the urgency and the severity to the GP.

Longer term, unless he is prepared to commit to taking care of his mental health robustly, for the sake of his child if nothing else, you may need to consider whether it is in yours/dd’s best interests to remain in this relationship. That decision is for another day.

Patients do recover, with the right care, and go on to lead fulfilling lives but only he can make that happen.

I am sorry it sounds really difficult op.