Worried about leaving DD home alone with DH

[Goditsmemargaret]

My only DD is seven. She's a really happy little girl usually.

Three or four years ago our family went through an awful time; I had recently recovered from cancer. DH had a load of other (extended) family stresses, bereavements, he lost his job and after a long series of arguments DH had a full mental breakdown.

He got a lot of treatment and steadily recovered. He is now working again and has seemed happy for ages.

I've noticed recently he seems extremely distracted, confused, overwhelmed, unaware of the details of what is going on. It is making our daughter very anxious and she's clinging to me. We are just back from a holiday which made it very obvious. She started a new camp and was begging me to stay (completely unlike her). I know DH won't notice. I've tired saying it to him but he just isn't getting it.

I've booked counseling for him and he's agreed to go. It's starting next week.

My pressing problem is my friend has gone through a horrific tragedy. She lives overseas. She's expecting me to arrive tomorrow for two days and I'm in a panic. I will be gone for two nights. I feel like I'm leaving my daughter with nobody to look after her.

I'm lying here awake worrying and can't figure out what the right thing to do is.

Should I be the only parent in these sessions or him too? It makes sense; DH's mother suffered with mental illness also.

Yes she's been lovely.

The point is that OP's priority and responsibility is her daughter, who is a helpless child. I saw from the OP's update that her friend said she 'couldn't cope with' a child, which is fine, but also means that the OP can't go to see her and shouldn't feel bad about that. Also, I would be devestated if my husband died, yes, but I wouldn't expect everyone else to just drop their lives to come and rally round me, as I am a functioning adult.

No I understand that but he came off them under doctor's supervision. They may well revise that now. He has been well, gone back to working full-time etc.

This is awful, tone deaf advice. You have obviously never had to deal with mental illness.

Oh I'm so glad.

Agreed. Also she is 7 not 13. 7 is still so young.

OP you also need to consider any help your DH might need if his MH deteriorated rapidly in your absence. Your family needs your more at this time.

It is sad how many of us on this thread went through it and I have to say it has made me grateful for my Dad because I know he tried his best with it and did what he could.

because the truth is you can’t protect her from this she knows she sees and it is scary. And there is no one to talk to (at least there wasn’t nearly 40 years ago) and there was and still is a stigma attached to it.

I didn’t want many people to know not because I was embarrassed but I was worried for my mum have to come back and deal with these people - I kept a lot of it in.

Overtime I have realised it was far more common quite a few of my friends have as has DH which helped as we could talk it through

as well my Mum has over the years spoken more about with me at a rate we were both comfortable with

my advice is to recognise that there is no protecting her from all of it and work with her to see what she wants and needs to know. Honesty is always best but maybe not always the whole truth - as I said visiting the hospital was a choice I think I pushed for and my Dad went along with but may not have been the best one - and it wasn’t just my mum it was the other patients 2 have very much stuck with me over the years

Or children. A ridiculous expectation of a 7yo at any time, never mind what's happening at home, or with her mum going away!
@Goditsmemargaret hope all goes well with doc today.

I would always recommend that both parents attend. However, it is important that parents are able to digest the information provided and complete the “home practice” tasks set between sessions. For this reason, parents need to demonstrate a certain level of mental stability. If you feel he is currently too unwell to engage, I would recommend waiting before beginning this kind of work.

There are different variations of parent-led CBT, but the intervention I delivered was based on the book “Managing Your Child’s Anxiety” by Cathy Creswell, which I would highly recommend. It is available on Amazon.

What your child is demonstrating is a need to feel grounded and secure. At present, she does not feel anchored. This is very typical in children whose parents experience mental health difficulties.

This. I would be very reluctant to go abroad and leave my child in these circumstances.

My father didn't have psychosis but was in a cult when I was 7. It was very confusing and at that age I did not know who/what to believe. I had visitation required by court.

I would not have been able to cope for 3 days at that age.

OP - Sorry. I haven't read the whole thread already. I think you're right to be concerned. Does your DD have any childcare such as a childminder? When I was in a similar situation, my DC's lovely childminder stepped in and took them for a sleepover, or (when things were slightly better and could stay with their dad) dropped by and kept a very close eye on how they were doing. I don't know what I'd have done without her.

I agree that if he has been so recently “psychotic” (last few years) he’ll be under secondary mental health team, and OP should have a crisis team number to call. And she should do that . I’m taking the break form reality piece, and other descriptors she makes as some sort of psychotic episode.

BUT: imhe it doesn’t then follow that he’ll get an appointment quickly. I waited 4 months to get appointment for my partner for his latest crisis. Bloody ridiculous and ended up going to A&E to circumnavigate the wait.

yet agian, the idea of care in community is great. But it is in reality merely “drug and dump”. There aren’t enough community psychiatrists to have a working system . That has been true for over the 20 years my partner has been ill. So not a new issue.

im also confused op has not talked about meds ….she is just talking about counselling/therepy. If he is that bad she doesn’t trust him to be able to care for their daughter, he needs more than tlaking therapies…they can take months and years to work .

it all seems a little confusing to me about what his issue are and why he’s not under secondary mental health services.

You've made the right decison not leaving her with her dad at this point, and he needs some urgent intervention as well. Things can escalate v quickly with mental health - is there a crisis team you call, they are often very helpful (I had to do this with adult DS a couple of years ago and they calmed him down and we put a plan in place). He was showing signs of psychosis at that stage - thankfully it didn't esclate massively but he did get very quick and effective intervention.
Will your DD feel safe enough with another family member? If not I would stay with her (def not take her to unwell friend - she'll be going from one unstable person to another).

I would take your child. It may actually be nicer for your friend to have a little one around .
You sound lovely but you are going to have to take her with you or not go

This. You're going to have to cancel your trip and focus on your daughter. I'm shocked that you would even be contemplating leaving your daughter in the circumstances.

I have called the doctor's surgery as they will need to refer him onto the correct services. I called the counsellor yesterday and made an appointment but last night I got more worried and decided to post here and then cancel the trip.

Please don’t leave her. You’d never forgive yourself if something happened.

explain the situation to your friend. If she’s a friend she’ll understand. Explain you’ll be able to be in full support without being distracted if you bring your daughter or you won’t be in a position to care for her

@Goditsmemargaret you sound like a great mother, wife and friend. I’m glad that you started this thread, if only to get the honest experiences of those who had a parent with MH problems as children to help you confirm what your gut was telling you.

This is Mumsnet at its best (ignoring the tone deaf comments) and I hope you are able to get further support for you and your daughter to help break the cycle going forward.

You have a lot going on at the moment, a lot of serious ‘pulls’ on your time and compassion, so please do take care to make sure you aren’t spread too thin.

I'm sorry you had to cancel the trip and I'm sorry for your friend @Goditsmemargaret but you have done the right thing.

I hope your husband can get the help he needs very quickly and you also can get support from the professionals to get you all
through this. It's very hard for you too, having to deal with your husband's mental health issues, while also protecting your daughter.

Life is a bitch sometimes.💐

You did the right thing by cancelling. Your daughter absolutely has to come first. Sorry but friends can’t be prioritised any more and that might mean you lose touch with people or you can only support them from afar.

You either have to stay home with your dd or send her to stay with family. Or find another person to stay with you. If he is not capable then you cant go and leave a child in a potentially dangerous situation if you think he can not look after her.

My friend has been lovely about it. Frankly she has enough on her plate trying to organise the funeral without dealing with further drama.

I'm waiting for a callback from the surgery but I came home and talked to him. He seems calm now and in ok form. He admitted he hasn't been able to focus the last while and he'd like to get checked out. So we are waiting for contact and he's put his noise cancelling headphones on and working on something that isn't too taxing.

Our daughter is in camp. I'll keep her out of his way as much as possible.