Worried about leaving DD home alone with DH

[Goditsmemargaret]

My only DD is seven. She's a really happy little girl usually.

Three or four years ago our family went through an awful time; I had recently recovered from cancer. DH had a load of other (extended) family stresses, bereavements, he lost his job and after a long series of arguments DH had a full mental breakdown.

He got a lot of treatment and steadily recovered. He is now working again and has seemed happy for ages.

I've noticed recently he seems extremely distracted, confused, overwhelmed, unaware of the details of what is going on. It is making our daughter very anxious and she's clinging to me. We are just back from a holiday which made it very obvious. She started a new camp and was begging me to stay (completely unlike her). I know DH won't notice. I've tired saying it to him but he just isn't getting it.

I've booked counseling for him and he's agreed to go. It's starting next week.

My pressing problem is my friend has gone through a horrific tragedy. She lives overseas. She's expecting me to arrive tomorrow for two days and I'm in a panic. I will be gone for two nights. I feel like I'm leaving my daughter with nobody to look after her.

I'm lying here awake worrying and can't figure out what the right thing to do is.

Hope you are holding up ok, OP. ❤️

Indeed. Friends can come first if you don't have children (child aged children, I mean) but if you have dependent children they are always the priority.

@SpringSpruce may I DM you please about distorted/missing memory or if you don’t mind, could you please send me a DM?

OP, sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you can get some help for your.DH and that your friend gets the support she needs.

I hope you are experiencing some relief now you have decided to follow your heart and look after your little girl. I hope you are fast tracked, so that your dh can be stabilised quickly ( I am not hopeful but I am have seen it in some areas) and in the meantime try and continue with fixed routines, happy music in the house, maybe a visit to the park and the ducks to give your dd a sense of calm and normality, you can acknowledge Daddy is feeling a bit poorly with dd, and explain in child friendly terms that he is a little unwell and keeps forgetting things but the dr will look after him. You are doing the right thing, your friend can lean on others, she knows you care op.

I'm so sorry OP, this sounds so tough and you must feel a bit pulled in all directions. You're right to prioritise your daughter and her safety and wellbeing and the adults in your life should understand that. You have a lot on your plate.

I’m going to say what I would do.

I would call my friend and say ‘either my daughter is coming or I’m not coming’ the end.

absolutely no way would there be any other option. you cannot leave her with him
now, even for 10 minutes.

You did exactly the right thing. I’m sorry you are dealing with this x x

Generally GPs don’t advise to come off meds until clearly stable - they offer a shared decision and help people come off meds if they CHOOSE to. It sounds like your DH made that choice and it’s the wrong one imho given what you describe. Therapy will not work in someone very mentally unwell - meds are needed to stabilise. He needs to go back to GP and get on meds asap. I don’t know his diagnosis but this sounds more than depression right now and heading to psychosis. But well managed depression and anxiety symptoms can be a big part of the prevention of another psychotic break. Constant rumination on the past to the point of not forming memories in the present cannot be solved by therapy alone - he needs medication for a good long while until he can maintain his home, job and mood for at least 2 years. Then talk about weaning off.

@Goditsmemargaret - you sound like a lovely person - a caring wife, mum and friend - and I hope you can get this all sorted out. It sounds extremely stressful for you, and I hope you have some support around you.

No.

That’s not the worst thing that could happen.

OP well done, you must have been so so stressed trying to figure out what to do earlier. I would advise you to get some therapy, support for yourself. If you have Employee Assistance Program at work you might be able to get free counselling or advice.

Thinking of you and you have my full understanding x x

Doesn't DD have a best friend she could spend a couple of days with? If you know the mum ring and ask. At that age my DD had a couple of friends who's mum's would have helped out in an emergency.

But It sounds like your DH also really needs taking care of, if he's hardly aware what is going on. I really wouldn't be leaving him by himself either so I would have to cancel the trip however good the friend was DH and DD come first.

No I wouldn’t be leaving your daughter with anyone. She needs you around her now and reassuring her. This is really hard. I understand x x

Has your DH had a stroke? The symptoms you describe are similar to what my Mum had. She lost hours of time.

Or do you think its only MH related?

P.s taking your husband to the hospital to be checked out for a stroke - is enough of a reason not to visit your friend

If it's any consolation my mum would have never left me alone in the house with my dad while she went away. I even used to have a babysitter sometimes when she went out, and my dad was sitting in bed smoking and watching telly!

Could you have her stay at a friend's? Then offer to reciprocate to give the friends parents a couple nights off later on?

Or even a teenage babysitter who could be paid extra to sometimes sleep over? That's what I had as a kid. Many years ago obviously!

You’re doing all the right things so far, OP.

Don’t wait for your DH to deteriorate into a crisis before taking the next steps. Put protective measures in place now, particularly the medication, since he has been on it before.

That’s really good that your DH is acknowledging he needs help and being communicative about it.
You are doing everything right for everybody. The way your DD spoke to you about it is a credit to your relationship.
Your friend sounds lovely and she knows you’ll be there for her in any way you can. As people have said, grief is a long old road.
Sending love to you and everyone else who has struggled with similar issues. ❤️

I wouldn't leave her either op.

I wouldn't be leaving her either op. You can't sleep thinking about it - trust your gut x

You sound like a wonderful mum, wife and friend 💐

I think with so much on your plate, you’ve done incredibly well to recognise and not ignore the signs of your DH’s deterioration.

I hope it all works out well.

Your family comes first. Your daughter needs you and your husband needs you.

She will be fine. It won't perhaps be the parenting you would provide or like , but she will be OK for a few days. Mum guilt is horrible isn't it, but unless there is physical danger, or emotional neglect likely in the few days you're away, you should go.

Have you read the thread at all - she is in danger of both given what is going on

Oh no, I just read the first post. Probably more info over the pages. Well obviously not then.

Here's the thing, and it's a bit of advice that applies to MN generally - if you post on page 7 without having RTFT, you are vanishingly unlikely to add anything of use or relevance to the conversation, you'll probably be repeating something someone has said before, and the situation may have evolved dramatically since the original post. Really.

I've also reported the terrible advice that was posted on page 3 - luckily the OP has not engaged with it, and everyone who has has pointed out how dangerous and inappropriate it is - but really, it is so off-the-charts bad there's no merit in keeping it visible.

A sudden stopping of exercise and extra inflammation in the body from injury should not be underestimated for the effect this can have on chemistry for someone with a pre-existing but dormant mental health condition. He may well need meds asap to compensate for this. Although the doctor refers to the mental health team don't forget that there is now 111 option 2 for mental health urgent triage as well, you can register concern and that should be added to his mental health record so that the staff from the mental health team can see it, better than sitting in A&E unless you really have to be there.
It's bad timing for helping your friend but often a lot of people jump to help at the time of tragedy and then fall away during the long, hard grind of recovery so there will be much more time for you to support and help when he is back in balance. He really must be very unwell for your DD to be feeling scared.