Lost it with DP, money and time off

[Moneyworries890]

I come home from work after a particular bad day today and DP announces he plans to take 3 months off work, unpaid. Because he feels like it. I fucking lost it.

We have an 11 month old. I went back to work at 7 months to support us as I'm the higher earner. Pumping round the clock, doing every night wake (because baby totally rejected DP once I went back to work), being a terrible employee and a terrible mother and hating life as I couldn't balance it all.

I've already supported him, pre-baby, for a 6 month period where he took time off. I also lent him money for a masters degree (which he completed part time on top of full time work, pre-baby).

He's not lazy per se but he prioritises himself 100% when it comes to finances.

To expect me to support us for 3 months just because he feels like it? I lost it. Totally fucking lost it. I want to be done with him now. I actually hate him.

Once we calmed down he said he has saved enough money so he can still contribute to the household as normal and he was never planning to ask me to support us 100%

1. I don't believe him (i believe he has the money but he would have 100% expected me to pay for everything)and

2. if he has saved up all that money, how about treating his exhausted partner and mother of his child to something. No? Didn't think so.

In his defence, his income is insignificant compared to mine. We can do without his, not without mine.But I can't be working my arse off while he sits at home, with a full time nanny and the mortgage paid every month. I just can't. Maybe I'm unreasonable. But no fucking way.

Ultimately, I think he has completely underestimated the toll going back to work has taken on me. Truth be told, I resent that he couldn't support me to stay home for a year. Why the fuck does he need 3 months off?

I think this would make me want to separate, it would drive me demented to be working myself into the ground to support a freeloader. What would your situation be if you separated - who owns the house etc? Thankfully it sounds like he is a DP rather than a DH so no risk you will have to support him?

I would find this infuriating. 3 months to do what?

End it. Seriously. You will save yourself no end of grief.

Someone as selfish as this cocklodger will never change.

(I hope you have an iron-clad legal agreement for the Masters loan…)

House is mine and he's never paid a penny towards it. I can manage fine without him. Probably better. He's pretty good with our son though so it will break my heart to make him go back and forth between houses.

I think I’d bin him. If I needed a full time nanny to work while my partner took 3 months off to do whatever, I’d be so soo done.

Oh hell no. Selfish prick. Does he intend to be a SAHD or is he just going to lie around scratching his testicles? If he wanted to be a SAHD for a while I’d consider it, but if you’re still having to pay for childcare then absolutely not.

Well done for not marrying him though.

Is he planning to do all the childcare for those three months? In that case I'd be ok with it.

What happened when you lost it with him? Did he see your point of view?

He sounds like a freeloader. He can still be a good Dad living elsewhere.

Yeah not sure what you’re getting from this tbh. You have a full time nanny so don’t even need him for childcare and sounds like he (disgustingly) hasn’t even offered that. I’d be saying okey doke, off you go back to your folks to sponge off them. Being a ‘pretty good’ dad doesn’t negate being an utterly shite partner, and you literally do not need him at all (it sounds like).

Sorry OP, he sounds selfish and thoughtless. He has a lovely little life it seems which he is taking for granted.

If he can’t see your POV on this then I’d be inclined to split. If you haven’t already then I’d say to him about him using that money for other things. I’d also want proof of the savings. Regardless of who earns what, he can’t leach off of you whilst you struggle following maternity leave - it’s not on.

You need to be careful though that he doesn't claim he's the child's main carer and that you should leave the home and support him instead. I can absolutely see why you hate him.

How does that even work? Will his job still be there at the end of 3 months? Or is there something else going on. I'm wondering if he has been sacked but is not planning to tell you right now.

I would end it now. This is not what you signed up for. You want a partner. Not a dead weight who does not even factor in what you need and deserve. Get him out before he claims he is the main carer.

Honestly I would negotiate.

you can have your three months off of course darling BUT

the nanny goes
you do all the childcare
all the household chores
and I want tea on the table when get home.

see how quickly he changes his mind

He sounds very selfish and self-centred. He can only afford to take 3 months off because he’s likely relying on your income. This should have been a joint decision. Was he approaching this as a discussion or was he just informing you of his plans?

So sorry that you are saddled with a selfish man-baby.
So happy you are financially secure and own your house …. and that he’s a partner not a husband.
I would write out all the things you’ve said here, (including more if you can) about the gruelling time of new baby and return to work etc.
Ultimatum time - he acts like a grown up partner and Dad or he’s out.

Wow - I never thought of this! This is why MN is so good.

I’m sure he didn’t say he just feels like 3 months off. Surely? How did he articulate it? Did he claim he will pick up more slack at home? Study something so he can get a better job? What job does he have that he is confident he can pick it up again in 3 months?

He sounds resentful of you and complacent that you’ll just carry on as you have been doing. How hard did he try to cope with the night wakings? What a disappointing and weak man to present you with this at this time of your lives. Do you think he’s trying to sabotage things so you kick him out and he can drift off to a stress free baby free life without being the bad guy?

Sounds like the end but you have no choice now but to tell him there would be no nanny and he’d be doing all the night wakings. Plus all his savings need to be handed over. Not to be vindictive but so you feel supported and not taken for a mug and he gets the message that he can’t just quit on you both. Then he can take himself off if he doesn’t like it.

My advice would be the same if the sexes were reversed. Couples need to support each other and resentment kills marriages when babies arrive.

If you're not going to get rid of him you need sit down before his 3 months off start and discuss exactly how the finances are going to work. Regardless of your income being higher than his you're a partnership and parents and should be working together to make your family a team effort (and enjoyable). Ultimately my bottom line is he's a father now and needs to step up so unless he's got plans to produce a mind blowing novel or redecorate the house from top to bottom or be a SAHD he can keep his 3 months off as a pipedream.

I'd get him to hand the money over up front now. If he hasn't got it, he's straight up lying. I'd be on the verge of slinging his belongings out of the house and changing the locks.

Reality is:

• cleaning / dinner will be half arsed
• he'll be hounding me to come home from work at 5 on the dot
• hand baby to me as soon as I walk in the door

I can't do that with my job. If a client wants something, I have to stay and do the work. I can't be home at 5pm every day.

I'll be poorer, more stressed and with a messier house.

Yanbu
i'd probably have a brain aneurysm in your shoes.

The lack of respect and selfishness is PALPABLE!
Obviously do not marry whatever you fuck happens.

Secondly not what you want to hear but as a woman with an 18m and 3.5yr old if you are going to split i would 100% do it now.
It is going to be MUCH harder and distressing for your child and you if you leave it much longer Tl/ wait until they are bigger

All of the following is just what I would do/ fyi

• look at a live in nanny situation if nanny isnt enough

• stop BF at this point your child can switch to cows milk

• Do NOT "negotiate" with him. Your best bet is actually scaring the shit out of him by separating. It migh acare him straight. You can reconsider later if you want.

• sleep train if needed. you need to put your own mask on first

• you can take up to 4 was a year unpaid time off legally. It's called parental leave.

-it gets easier. 18m is much easier than under 1. 2 gets easier again 3.5 is actually easy some days... hang in there.

Bin him off.

You’d cancel the nanny surely as part of this change around?

is he looking to become a sahd? He’s a dick to announce it without discussing, but we did a similar thing as my job was flexible and his wasn’t so he took the parental leave In sections while I worked and it worked out great, he really learned to take care of her on his own and it set us up great for the future of either of us being her caregiver, he more than pulls his weight around the house though, which is an important factor.

absolutely not if you are keeping the nanny on though, he’d just be after a 3 month jolly at your physical & literal expense!

What?
So he can half arse it and cant / wont do what hes supposed to and is low-level neglecting their child...and then shes up shit creek scrambling for childcare when man baby goes back to work.

If he becomes a SAHD that is probably a nightmare scenario. He will be doing a ahit job and will be looking for primary custody and her monetly and assets if / when they split...

No no no... honeslty imo its time to go nuclear. Either it ends it or its a catalyst that means she isnt putting with this shit for decades

I dont understand why people suggest all this "can you x" the kind of man that just unilaterally jacks in his job for 3m when the mother of his child is at break point and doing 90% of everything.

Even if he is earning FA compared to her. 3m off household contributions would have allowed her to stay home and extra month or so. Its bullshit this is only coming to light now.

@Moneyworries890 I'm actually angry for you