Lost it with DP, money and time off

[Moneyworries890]

I come home from work after a particular bad day today and DP announces he plans to take 3 months off work, unpaid. Because he feels like it. I fucking lost it.

We have an 11 month old. I went back to work at 7 months to support us as I'm the higher earner. Pumping round the clock, doing every night wake (because baby totally rejected DP once I went back to work), being a terrible employee and a terrible mother and hating life as I couldn't balance it all.

I've already supported him, pre-baby, for a 6 month period where he took time off. I also lent him money for a masters degree (which he completed part time on top of full time work, pre-baby).

He's not lazy per se but he prioritises himself 100% when it comes to finances.

To expect me to support us for 3 months just because he feels like it? I lost it. Totally fucking lost it. I want to be done with him now. I actually hate him.

Once we calmed down he said he has saved enough money so he can still contribute to the household as normal and he was never planning to ask me to support us 100%

1. I don't believe him (i believe he has the money but he would have 100% expected me to pay for everything)and

2. if he has saved up all that money, how about treating his exhausted partner and mother of his child to something. No? Didn't think so.

In his defence, his income is insignificant compared to mine. We can do without his, not without mine.But I can't be working my arse off while he sits at home, with a full time nanny and the mortgage paid every month. I just can't. Maybe I'm unreasonable. But no fucking way.

Ultimately, I think he has completely underestimated the toll going back to work has taken on me. Truth be told, I resent that he couldn't support me to stay home for a year. Why the fuck does he need 3 months off?

I’d be fuming -!: I’m not surprised that you are too.

if he had the money, why didn’t he suggest that you take another couple of months off on maternity, then save up and he could then have his 3 months off.

he sounds eye wateringly selfish.

id be seriously considering the relationship. Even with the added complication of a child in the mix. But I’d do it before he takes the time off and could then consider himself the primary carer and you end up paying him cm and seeing your dc less than 50%

This man is dragging you down instead of lifting you up, I’m not surprised you are furious with him, and you’d be much better off without him.

Between you and the Nanny you will be absolutely fine without your DP. I know, because I did it. Nanny worked 7.15am-6pm, and did breakfast school drop off, cleaning, cooking, pickup and afterschool activities. It meant I could carry on with my big job without having to worry about the DC.

Seems you manage very well without him so ditch him. He sounds like a free loader. If he has any decency he will still help with childcare but Don't hold your breath.

This.

Also tell him you work until 7pm.

I was in a similar position with my husband (higher earner, owned the house we lived in) when our DC was small. Some days I DID work til 7, but some days I left at 6 and went to the gym 🏋️‍♂️🏊‍♀️🏃‍♀️

Ah you’ve got yourself a cocklodger. Dump him op he will still be ’pretty good’ with his child on his days to have him.

I couldn’t deal with this level of selfishness. It will be significantly easier if you break up with him now than when your child is older.

I’m sorry times are tough for you OP - it does get easier, hang in there.

So what does he plan to do with his time off then? I’m sure we’d all like 3 months off to do as we pleased but he has responsibilities - at very least he needed to discuss his plans with you not present you with a fait accompli. It would be a big fat no from me too and yes I’d have hit the roof. What a selfish arse.

it will never end
a few months now then next year another few months
I have been there

I put him out when I realised the money spent on keeping him should be being spent on my children.

Honestly, you need to move him out of your house.

It’s so good that it is yours and you have your independence, you can simply end this nonsense and ask him to leave.

If he wants to take 3 months off, fine, he supports himself financially elsewhere and has the baby on set days/times every week.

Truly you will feel more at ease without the resentment that comes with knowing your “partner” is actually leeching off you. You have a great career, a nanny, you can live without his salary and claim CM from him when he moves out. There won’t be his stuff, his mess and his lazy arse around the house, you’ll get a single person discount on council tax and save on bills, you’ll probably have more money with him gone.

It sounds like a big thing to split up, but honestly having a peaceful home, free from disrespect and a cocklodger is wonderful. You’ll realise how hard it’s been carrying a grown man through life once he’s gone and relish the reduced workload/stress.

Make this the last child you have op. End your ‘partnership’ and go and have a happy life.

Your child will grow into a wonderful companion. You can travel, have fun and focus on them. You don’t need to house someone that has no respect for you, nor use your precious resources to support their whims. Absolutely no way.

The only reason he’s managed to save money is because he’s failed to pay you what he owes you. Effectively you’re paying for his extended leave.
He cannot, or will not, recognise the pressure you’re under. Does he think you’re naive enough to go along with his announcement?
End the discussion, ditch him, keep the nanny, try formula milk and perhaps get a cleaner.
You’re not his sugar mummy. He’s a dead weight slowing you down.

I personally wouldn't get rid of the nanny for 3 months as you may not get her back again. It is werid he's decided to take 3 months off to rest. Why didn't he offer this to you, so you could have more maternity leave? Because you needed it? So strange.Think it would make me angry the thought of him sitting around at home. I hope he's not messy and makes the dinners at least. Is it something you could do too? Cut back on spending and save up to have a few months off work unpaid?

The difference is that usually when a man chooses to support a stay at home wife she enhances his lifestyle. She’s not just a drain on finances and the man still has to do everything. Usually the woman will do the bulk of the childcare/ cooking etc to a high standard. It sounds like for OP this won’t happen therefore it wouldn’t be preferable.

my husband would happily have me stay home. Not because he’s a martyr but because it would make his life easier. I like my job and the balance it gives me, but he is happy to be the main earner because I provide a lifestyle by working part time.

OP to me the main issue is that your partner is selfish. I just can’t see how you’re going to change that through talking or counselling… I’m not sure it’s a trait that can change, but it’s worth trying if you want to, otherwise split now.

You know what you have to do here. Stay strong.

Definitely ask him to leave. He’s a user.

And he’s got savings to pay for the deposit on a flat - that’s good! It means he can’t claim he’s got no options.

He is so selfish and pathetic I could cry got you OP.

Get him gone. It’s easier while your baby is smaller.

I have a friend whose partner took 6 months off work - during that time the kids were in school, had after school clubs, and were either looked after by my friend or the grandparents for school holidays.

He did no more childcare or child related admin than he had while he was working full time.

But then when he left her after those 6 months, he said that he was the main carer and pushed hard for main custody and child support. Her lawyers said he was likely to win.

Ultimately her dad paid him off - gave him a large lump sum to start a new life, and he now just occasionally visits the kids.

This is a really serious risk, do not allow him for even a month to be the main carer.

He sees you looking after baby and is jealous. His 3 months off could turn into forever and the longer he’s out of work the harder it will be for him to find employment. I’d be really uncomfortable in this situation and as an outsider though I think he’s not pulling his weight, he is sucking the life out of you - or will he by the end of it - and he should be made to leave and told to grow up. You don’t need an adult baby.

I would have exploded too. What an idiot.

Time for an ultimatum I think. You pull your weight or we’re done. He is clearly not good SAHP material, so he just wants to muck about while you graft. No way.

As you say, if he has the cash, it can be put to better use.

What pp says about the misuse of parental leave by a bloke is very concerning indeed. It is one of the reasons why I profoundly disagree with the push for shared parental leave.

Straight to the chase @Moneyworries890, I couldn't spend my life with a lazy bastard. Your ds is better off to have just you as an example than a lazy bastard who doesn't treat his partner well as an example.

I am really sorry - you must have been.in love with him

This is excellent advice.
No matter what, don't lose the Nanny - he will claim he's the main carer and it will be a nightmare for you.

If you go along with his plan for the love of God, please don't then get the money upfront.

It took just two weeks, after separating from my husband, to realise my more stressful load was not my job, the housework or my son. It was cleaning after my husband, sorting everything for him, spending hours reminding him he needed to help and even more feeling frustrated because he wasn’t doing it or just being half arsed about it.

Two weeks after the split I found myself sitting on the sofa at 7:30 pm with absolutely nothing to do: The house was spotless, the laundry was sorted, the fridge was full with food batch cooked for two weeks, DS was already asleep, as he had every day after I took over the bedtime routine rather than spending hours reminding dad what time it was.

In our case, he was the much higher earner but even financially I was better off as I didn’t need to be worrying about him causing a financial crisis for using his salary as pocket money. I was more relaxed about money on my meagre income, as I knew nobody was going to do something stupid to put us on financial trouble.

I would say that, with a high salary, a house and a nanny, you can do this on your own very easily. You will be far more relaxed once you take off the heavy load your partner is.

Don’t worry about the job, if you take what DP costs you out of the equation you can get more help with the baby. Remember also that if you have the skills to get paid that much, you can eventually change to another high paying job that is more family friendly ~you also need to be flexible once you are a parent.

Best of luck, you can do it. In fact, you are already doing it.

Probably hang around with the nanny .
I mean is he going to be out the house all day every day.

@Moneyworries890 id say oh great o can give the nanny the time off and you can parent your child full time . How the hell does he think it’s right to take 3 months off AFTER you have went back to work , after you have sorted a nanny .

He is a wrong one . I’d end the relationship let’s see how long he can afford to stay off work then .
Give him a week to be out and you can start to get your new routine in place without the stress off him .

Why do you describe him as your 'partner'? You are not in this together and there is no teamwork going on.

So all the posts about sitting down and talking and making points to explain to him are pointless, because he doesn't see this relationship the same way you do, and he never will.

You are his landlord and his lady bountiful, and now his 'mother appliance' as well as 'wife appliance'. Why would he consider you?

Bin him off, and hopefully he's a decent dad and you can finally get some rest when he has his child every other weekend (that's the most you can ever hope him to step up).