Lost it with DP, money and time off

[Moneyworries890]

I come home from work after a particular bad day today and DP announces he plans to take 3 months off work, unpaid. Because he feels like it. I fucking lost it.

We have an 11 month old. I went back to work at 7 months to support us as I'm the higher earner. Pumping round the clock, doing every night wake (because baby totally rejected DP once I went back to work), being a terrible employee and a terrible mother and hating life as I couldn't balance it all.

I've already supported him, pre-baby, for a 6 month period where he took time off. I also lent him money for a masters degree (which he completed part time on top of full time work, pre-baby).

He's not lazy per se but he prioritises himself 100% when it comes to finances.

To expect me to support us for 3 months just because he feels like it? I lost it. Totally fucking lost it. I want to be done with him now. I actually hate him.

Once we calmed down he said he has saved enough money so he can still contribute to the household as normal and he was never planning to ask me to support us 100%

1. I don't believe him (i believe he has the money but he would have 100% expected me to pay for everything)and

2. if he has saved up all that money, how about treating his exhausted partner and mother of his child to something. No? Didn't think so.

In his defence, his income is insignificant compared to mine. We can do without his, not without mine.But I can't be working my arse off while he sits at home, with a full time nanny and the mortgage paid every month. I just can't. Maybe I'm unreasonable. But no fucking way.

Ultimately, I think he has completely underestimated the toll going back to work has taken on me. Truth be told, I resent that he couldn't support me to stay home for a year. Why the fuck does he need 3 months off?

Sorry OP what a terrible situation. You have every right to be totally hacked off and quite rightly I’d lose my shit.
I have a friend who’s partner was and is so tight with money, she only got to take 3 months maternity leave and he expected for her to pay half for everything and still wanted a clean house, wash and iron his clothes and be a door mat generally. The up shot is they now have a joint account and he still earns way more than her and she still does all the household chores etc after nearly 30 years nothing has really changed except her attitude for the sake of the DC . Whom is now AC and has all the traits of their father,
its seeing history repeating its self, so the mould is made so continues the selfishness.
get your ducks in a row and as hard as it is maybe look at couples therapy or let him go.

If he’s got money saved he should’ve mentioned it when you were on maternity leave as it could’ve been used to delay your return even if just for a few extra weeks. That’s what would make me end the relationship. And the only reason he’s saved any money is because you’re supporting him.

Do not let the nanny go.
Do not let him slip into becoming a SAHD.
Do not support him financially.

There is a very real risk that, when you split - which you will, if not now then later - he could claim to be your child’s main carer, get majority custody, and you’d end up paying him for the privilege of being a lazy freeloader.

You'd be wise to seriously consider splitting up now. Or at least consult with a family solicitor to try and find a way of protecting yourself.

The only place for this cocklodger is in the bin!

Both adults should be earning and no I dont see why one adult should be financing another but there is lots of men who fund women to stay home, a person is not a bank

To me it is wrong either way

So what is the female equivalent?

Well it's a bit like misogyny and misandry

No ones really heard of misandry as it happens so very fucking infrequently.

Misogyny oh the other hand...

Who fund women who stay at home whilst he works and also does all the extra childcare? I don’t know of any.

DP is freely enjoying your resources and living his best life, largely funded by your generosity. It sounds as though his free wheeling ways are beginning to chafe, and your struggles with maternity leave have highlighted the fundamental inequality of the situation. Sadly, he is unlikely to change - people rarely do! I don't know if your relationship and cohabitation arrangements are tenable long term under the current dynamics, it sounds not from your pov. The question is whether he can buck up and grow up, and take your needs more seriously rather than indulging himself, but he may not want to take those terms. Glad it's you who is in the financial position of power, but there may be some tough decisions ahead. Maybe start seeing counsellor to get clear about your needs and get confident in knowing you deserve happiness too.

So I think you need to sit down and have a conversation with him

• he can't make family impacting decisions without discussing with you first
• when he says he can afford 3 months off, this is only because you are paying mortgage, nanny etc
• if he depletes his savings to pay this 3 months, what position does that leave him afterwards ie does he have any other financial safety net? Now that you have DC, he needs to maintain a minimum savings for emergencies (typically people say 3 months salary is sensible)
• you are personally finding the rtw tough so you need to have more support from him and leaving the entire financial burden of the household on you is not helping

If he cant see this then you will need to consider your future

I’d give the nanny two weeks off on the quiet and do this

after two weeks

say this just isn’t working- you need to sort yourself out with a job and I’ll see if I can sort a nanny again

not like he discussed anything with you

Did he pay you back for the masters ? I’d be telling him nope as you owe me money for the masters so back to work and pay me back!!! Then see a lawyer to get your ducks in a row

and I’m sure the reason your DC doesn’t want dad in the night is because he half arsed putting DC back to bed and then claimed ohhh DC only wants mummy…. That what my ex did and then was surprised when I said I’m done!!! Easier without a man child I tell you … cleaner house more money and a few nights a week to myself

I don’t think it is “wrong”. But when men are the higher earner & women stay at home through choice people don’t have as much of an issue with it.

I don’t like being the higher earner, but much like the OP I knew what my OH earned. It’s just that years later the reality of being the higher earner his bitten.

He owes you 5 months of maternity leave so he needs to keep on saving until you can take that.

Get rid. He's a fucking loser

He is on a completely different wavelength to you.

@Moneyworries890 you can't carry on as you are, you will become ill, so something has to give.

• Have you considered stopping expressing milk? Producing milk is hugely impactful and time consuming and since baby is 11m, he won't suffer if you stop now.
• Your baby is going to need to accept your DP sorting him at night. It'll be painful but you have to break the cycle of it only being you. That's what it was like for us too with our DS. He eventually accepted his dad sorting him. (Diagnosed ASD at the age of 11yo which explained it but def not saying your DS has ASD.)
• You need time for you. Book some time with friends at a spa/lunch etc

Ref your DP it sounds like you have been very generous in supporting him but he has failed to reciprocate even in the slightest. He clearly thinks he's done nothing wrong and that he can decide for himself what he needs without reference to you. But he is not a singleton, he is apartner with a child. He has responsibilities. Discussing significant issues is a must, it's selfish and self centred to make a decision so big on your own and frankly narcissistic to think its OK to do that. What if you decided to sell your house, downsize to a tiny house with just enough room for you and the baby and live off the equity instead of work without his involvement?

So the options are

• Put up and shut up
• Couples counselling
• Bin (this might still be the outcome after couples counselling and should not revolve around your DSs perceived needs, it should be about you)

Good luck x

Come on, read the posts. Women stay at home and put in actual effort. OP has said her idiot partner would stay at home and half-arse everything. Totally different situation.
It’s got nothing to do with the sex of the person, it’s the rank arrogance and selfishness of the person that’s the issue here. Stop deliberately misunderstanding posts to suit your own goals, it’s hijacking a feed which is meant to be helping OP.

He sounds like a selfish arse.

i would have lost my shit too! The lazy bastard! Oh and what is he actually planning on doing whilst he’s taking time off ?

OP, I went back to work (by choice) at month 8 and I understand the physical and emotional toll it takes. Hormones are raging, you’re faffing about pumping which interrupts the day, you’re exhausted and sleep deprived. It is grim. I feel for you.

I would go NUCLEAR to find out I’ve gone back to work at 7 months to support the home, and my “D”P has been squirrelling money away which could have been used to give me another month or so of leave.

What a selfish, low-life, layabout .

I agree with PPs, hold a firm boundary on this and the rest of his selfish behaviour.

If it was me in this situation I’d be done. A selfish partner is awful to live with and it never gets better as even if they pretend for a while they cannot help but revert to being selfish. The laziness is all part of the selfishness - he doesn’t want to do work, clean etc so why should he? He will do it for a bit half arsed if you make him. But this will just keep happening.

Just think what he adds to your life - stress and disappointment. I’m not sure how you can find him even remotely sexually attractive let alone a good partner and friend.

Separating this early will be easy in long run and I’m sure you will find someone much better as you clearly have a lot going for you!

I think I'd break up as in the long run, I would always be on edge wondering when he was next going to take a career break or whatever selfish idea he'd have next (maybe 3 months travelling solo in Asia for example) and id be left holding the baby and all the finances.

If he wants to live like a man with no responsibility then he can do it elsewhere.

How did I know he wouldn't even be paying his way. Kick him out OP. He's stolen time with your baby that you can never get back and now he wants more for himself.

I don’t have goals. My opinion is that people are more judgemental in general about men staying at home. Neither do I think that all women who stay at home are some homogenous bunch who all put effort in.

And it is intended to help the Op. To advise someone doesn’t mean you have to agree with them or pander to them. The Op knew her partner wasn’t a high earner and it would fall to her to support the household. Therefore the likelihood of her partner being able to support her to take a long maternity leave wasn’t high. So she can’t be angry at him for that.

The other stuff he is doing or not doing, of course she’s entitled to be annoyed by.