Lost it with DP, money and time off

[Moneyworries890]

I come home from work after a particular bad day today and DP announces he plans to take 3 months off work, unpaid. Because he feels like it. I fucking lost it.

We have an 11 month old. I went back to work at 7 months to support us as I'm the higher earner. Pumping round the clock, doing every night wake (because baby totally rejected DP once I went back to work), being a terrible employee and a terrible mother and hating life as I couldn't balance it all.

I've already supported him, pre-baby, for a 6 month period where he took time off. I also lent him money for a masters degree (which he completed part time on top of full time work, pre-baby).

He's not lazy per se but he prioritises himself 100% when it comes to finances.

To expect me to support us for 3 months just because he feels like it? I lost it. Totally fucking lost it. I want to be done with him now. I actually hate him.

Once we calmed down he said he has saved enough money so he can still contribute to the household as normal and he was never planning to ask me to support us 100%

1. I don't believe him (i believe he has the money but he would have 100% expected me to pay for everything)and

2. if he has saved up all that money, how about treating his exhausted partner and mother of his child to something. No? Didn't think so.

In his defence, his income is insignificant compared to mine. We can do without his, not without mine.But I can't be working my arse off while he sits at home, with a full time nanny and the mortgage paid every month. I just can't. Maybe I'm unreasonable. But no fucking way.

Ultimately, I think he has completely underestimated the toll going back to work has taken on me. Truth be told, I resent that he couldn't support me to stay home for a year. Why the fuck does he need 3 months off?

I agree.
He does sound like a cocklodger.

Hes already taken months off and now wants even more time off.

It doesn’t sound like it’s a very equal spilt in terms of parenting or housework.

And it seems he’s saving money away for himself but not treating OP.

I’m wondering what she gets out of this.

No specific advice to offer you, OP, other than sympathy. Sounds a little like a freeloading relative of mine who is very entitled.

Good luck with your decision making but I agree that this is taking the p*ss.

See I think shared parental leave is a great thing, I’ve done it twice, and I’ve extended breast fed both. I think it really lets the baby bond with both parents, no one is the default parent or home role, and both get an appreciation of the other persons role and experience. Makes for a much more equal parenting and home task division afterwards.

HOWEVER in OPs case, for him to unilaterally take three months off with no discussion is crazy! I can’t imagine that, just presenting it as a fait accompli. He could have structured it as shared parental leave and got paid statutory for it from seven months and delayed the start of a nanny, and made huge savings there. What’s the point in taking it off now once the nanny is sorted? I would be furious with this! What were his reasons?

It's equality of opportunity and the expectation of equality in terms or housework and contribution towards parenting that's the issue here. And it's perfectly acceptable that the OP expects as much input and accomplishment from her DP as she puts in. Are you a surrendered wife, relying on your DH's income long after the children have flown?

How can you hate the equality movement that's brought you and your children voting and property rights, rights to divorce, rights to CMS and his pension fund if he decides to leave the marriage? How can you hate a movement that has ensured that girls are offered the same education, employment opportunities and rights at work as men? Let alone all the benefits your hated Equality Movement has bought to LGB people, disabled people, people of colour and so on? Most women don't want a return to the 1950s or worse.

You're literally repeating what I said. And I said you were 'wrong' about saying that I said what you said I said. We are on the same side here and saying the same thing. Focus your rage, elsewhere. It's not productive here.

100%. This is the affronting thing. What loving partner watches the mother of his child struggle back to work in a demanding job only 7 months after giving birth and while still BF. Then declares he has enough money to take 3 months off.

In that case, he had enough money to help fund decent mat leave for OP. Extraordinarily disrespectful.

NRTFT but your dp’s selfishness is absolutely staggering. Mind bogglingly so. Just WTAF?
Bin him, keep the nanny.
Even if you agreed to his ridiculous idea I think you’d need to keep the nanny or you’d be interviewing again in 8 weeks.
I think you would be better off without him unless he backtracks and treats you all to something lovely that YOU want - holiday for example with his saved money.
Tbh, he’s just not that reliable.

My first thought was they he’s lost his job and hasn’t the balls to tell you . 3 months to find a new one . Whatever the circumstances he’s unreasonable and making decisions for himself based on your income . If he was the breadwinner he wouldn’t be able to just leave work

Presumably though, if you have enough money to be able to afford a nanny, you’d have been able to save enough to give you more than 7 months off for maternity leave? Is there a reason you didn’t.

I’d be interested in his actual reasons for taking 3 months off. What kind of job does he have that he can just take that amount of time off?

Something isn’t quite adding up here.

Christ. What exactly is his purpose in your life besides being a sperm donor? What does he contribute to your relationship, your home, your happiness and wellbeing?

Because he sounds like a self-indulgent teenager. You’re doing all the work, carrying all the mental load, bringing in the income and providing for everyone. In the meantime he’s quietly hoarding away what little he could contribute in order to selfishly spend it making his own life even more cushy. Other people already take care of your child and your house (and it sounds like he’d be incompetent at taking that over), he offers you zero help or support on any level and you don’t even seem to like him that much.

Your life would probably be a lot less exhausting without him in it, if only because you can stop wasting emotional energy on hoping he’ll somehow step up and be an actual partner to you.

Did he not mention any of this beforehand? And he’s secretly been saving money while you’ve had to go back to work earlier than you’d like to have done? I’d ditch him just for that!
What job does he do that he can just dip in and out of? And why is 3 months the magical number?
Also, I can’t imagine the nanny will be too thrilled with having him under her feet all day …..

Dump him, OP. You can get someone so much better, someone more on your level (or you may choose to remain single, both good options) @Moneyworries890

Decisions should be joint regardless whether it’s a man or woman. There are sahm who do little, there are some that make being a mum a full time job to avoid going back to paid work when this wasn’t agreed jointly. I don’t have a problem with anyone’s setup provided it’s been jointly decided not forced on someone who’s then expected to pay for the other.

This isn’t a partnership but luckily you didn’t make my mistake and marry a lazy selfish man. You have an extra child not a partner.

I would end it because he's shown you who he is by now and he wont change. He knew it was a selfish decision and he did it anyway. He’s with you because you are responsible and hardworking and will put your dc first so he doesn’t have to be. these men never pick someone who is as free spirited or lazy as themselves. They always pick someone sensible they can rely on to pay the bills. They know once you’ve a child your only way out is to blow everything up and they bank on you not doing this. I stayed years longer than I should I have because of impact on dc. I shouldn’t have worried I was a good enough parent on my own.

you are well equipped to cope on your own. Whether that’s with the big job and nanny or downshifting and downsizing and getting by with less money but more time. Wherever he owes you financially you will more than earn back once you’ve cut him off and you will have financial control back which gives you more choices.

And yes your house will magically stay clean and tidy once he’s not in it.

I00% agree with co-parenting and no default parent. Did that with my three. Worked 4 days a week each and equally covered sickness/school hols.

But IMHO mat leave should be for the mother to recover and adjust, as well as for childcare. So, ideally, the father should be available at least some of that time too. So he can bond with the child and give the mother time to rest and recover.

My frustration is men who insist on sharing the mat leave, meaning the mother must return to work after 6 months, but the father then returns to work f/t afterwards.

But each to their own. I respect everyone’s different.

Exactly this. This is what most women do if they have young children and are not working.

This man is literally contributing nothing and I can't believe he would think it ok for you to employ a full time nanny whilst he is at home!

What does he bring to your life and the relationship @Moneyworries890 ?

You will be happier with a messy house. - corrected it for you.

Keep the nanny ditch the husband. Being a good with your child is not hounding your wife/partner to come back home on the dot to you can hand them over or handing said back to their mother as soon as they walk through the door.

Don't give your dh brownie points for doing the minimum.

OP - take this seriously.
Do NOT let him become a SAHD.

Oh OP 😬

I've had "D"Ps like this, and it doesn't improve with time. I was lucky not to have a child involved.

It's pretty clear you're just carrying a dead weight around with him in your life, and he's happy with that.

Please lighten your load! 💗

(edited to add: a dead weight that actually deliberately pulls you down... that thing about pestering you to be home on time is criminal 🤬)

The risk with this is that if they do separate, he uses this to ‘prove’ he is the primary carer and should get residency of the child. He would, of course, expect the OP to fund this via child support while only seeing her baby a few days a week.

This is a pattern, he's had your support to pursue his interests before.
Separate, before you grow to hate him and he claims to be the stay at home Dad, Primary Carer.

If he's at home, no need for a nanny - he can do 100% of the childcare and home maintenance

I agree broadly but there is "should" and then there's the reality.

You can't make someone care.

Three months self funded time off to bond and be with the baby so not paying for a nanny but caring for his own child all day ... maybe.

Three months off to do fuck all, no chance. What an inconsiderate idiot.

HRTFT but I had to echo this:

It took just two weeks, after separating from my husband, to realise my more stressful load was not my job, the housework or my son. It was cleaning after my husband, sorting everything for him, spending hours reminding him he needed to help and even more feeling frustrated because he wasn’t doing it or just being half arsed about it.
Two weeks after the split I found myself sitting on the sofa at 7:30 pm with absolutely nothing to do: The house was spotless, the laundry was sorted, the fridge was full with food batch cooked for two weeks, DS was already asleep, as he had every day after I took over the bedtime routine rather than spending hours reminding dad what time it was.

I have lived with and left 2 men- one the father of my dc and the other not- and this was true in both cases. It was eye opening. Men are net creators of work. They can do it all perfectly well but the moment a woman arrives they’re all Lo! I am incapacitated by your presence and incapable of adulting- you must do it.

NAMALT I’m sure, but I can’t explain it any other way. It isn’t just my own experience either, it’s true for friends and acquaintances and is either just accepted, or the women leave and find time for themselves!