Lost it with DP, money and time off

[Moneyworries890]

I come home from work after a particular bad day today and DP announces he plans to take 3 months off work, unpaid. Because he feels like it. I fucking lost it.

We have an 11 month old. I went back to work at 7 months to support us as I'm the higher earner. Pumping round the clock, doing every night wake (because baby totally rejected DP once I went back to work), being a terrible employee and a terrible mother and hating life as I couldn't balance it all.

I've already supported him, pre-baby, for a 6 month period where he took time off. I also lent him money for a masters degree (which he completed part time on top of full time work, pre-baby).

He's not lazy per se but he prioritises himself 100% when it comes to finances.

To expect me to support us for 3 months just because he feels like it? I lost it. Totally fucking lost it. I want to be done with him now. I actually hate him.

Once we calmed down he said he has saved enough money so he can still contribute to the household as normal and he was never planning to ask me to support us 100%

1. I don't believe him (i believe he has the money but he would have 100% expected me to pay for everything)and

2. if he has saved up all that money, how about treating his exhausted partner and mother of his child to something. No? Didn't think so.

In his defence, his income is insignificant compared to mine. We can do without his, not without mine.But I can't be working my arse off while he sits at home, with a full time nanny and the mortgage paid every month. I just can't. Maybe I'm unreasonable. But no fucking way.

Ultimately, I think he has completely underestimated the toll going back to work has taken on me. Truth be told, I resent that he couldn't support me to stay home for a year. Why the fuck does he need 3 months off?

I agree with this.

Please don't tell me that he's 'going to write a book'. I've seen so many people give up full time work (to be supported by their partner) so that they can 'write a book'. While all the actual authors I know write AND hold down a job!

But this just sounds like a very bad plan anyway, whatever he intends to do with his 'three months off'. I would worry that he's planning to leave you but wants 'primary carer' status so he can grab half the house (at least).

What was his reason for wanting 3 months off, the fact he didn't consult with you is very annoying. I wouldn't be happy either, being a working mum is the most exhaustive job ever. He sounds lazy. He should become a stay at home dad ans give up the Nanny fees would give you a big saving.

You haven’t got a good one here in any sense of the word. He appears too busy thinking about himself to spend time thinking how he might make your life easier.

Ask him to take his three moths off elsewhere and give yourself time and space to see just what your life would be like without him living in your home.

what have I just read! He done this without even consulting you first? No wonder you hit roof and then there is the issue that he has gone ahead and actually done this. Sorry no that would be him getting sent packing from me

I’d probably end it. Not going out to work would be a major issue for me. You own your own house so it’s as simple as just asking him to leave. If you’re feeling kind you could do it now whilst he’s got the money saved up to sort himself out. If you’re feeling mean chuck him out the morning the unpaid leave starts

I think the issue I've noticed comes up is when the man is the SAHD but the woman often appears to be working full time, doing over half the housework, grocery shopping, house admin and night wakes etc and the balance seems off but often when there's a SAHM the above all falls to her 100% and the man just works.

I think there can be a good divide when one partner works - obviously it benefits the kids if the working parent sees and cares for them often too!

But track record of OP's man suggests financial contributions is all he is good for and even that is low!

LOL my DH indeed suggested that when I go back to work after the baby, we will of course have a babysitter and cleaner, but he will take some time off, to write a book. Yes he did. Oh how I laughed.

Not the point of the thread, but what is the point of financing a Masters degree and he's still earning an "insignificant wage"? Shouldn't this additional education have propelled him on to bigger and better things?

Why does he want 3 months off? What for?

Your relationship sounds unequal.

A good friend of mine is divorcing a man who worked part time for 25 years in a low earning role so he could run the house and do the childcare while she worked her arse off in a stressful corporate role. Guess what, he never did do the house and kid stuff, she did that too. the kids have left home, she’s opened her eyes. Don’t be that woman op.

when the man is the SAHD but the woman often appears to be working full time, doing over half the housework, grocery shopping, house admin and night wakes etc and the balance seems off but often when there's a SAHM the above all falls to her 100% and the man just works.

This. I know a number of SAHDs and none of them will do what an average SAHM does. None. And in this case, OP already knows that the partner would do a half arsed job and hand everything over the second she walks in.

Is there something missing from what you wrote op? I know there are normally 2 sides to each story, you had a bad day at work and have had a tough couple of years and are probably short of sleep. Has he really truly come along and announced this or is there something else you aren't saying? Why is he having 3 months off after he already took 6 months off? How can he negotiate this with his employer?

I mean if what you say is genuine and nothing hidden then you have to seriously consider what actually the guy is bringing to the table. And the long term future of someone with such a work and household ethic.

yuk dump him. Seriously, I could not have sex with such a wet , pathetic, selfish, fuckwit, again.
stay strong and tell him to fuck offf.

I think you need to kick him out now while you can still demonstrate he’s not the main carer for the child.

If he takes 3 months off, he can try and argue it’s for childcare purposes and try for residence (and that lovely child support).

Just be glad you didn’t marry him. He has the legal standing of a lodger and you can put him out whenever you like.

When women stay at home they actually parent. And it's usually a joint decision with the children's best interest at heart. No matter how good a nanny can be - there is nothing that beats a loving dedicated mother who actually wants to stay at home and parent her children.

OP's DP has not expressed any interest in taking care of his child- he wants time to himself- not at all comparable to a sahp.

I'd separate now. You say he's selfish with money, is that the type of life you want to live? He treats you like shit and puts himself first. Your son is only a baby. He won't know any different if you split now and he sees his dad separately. That is all he'll know. Far better doing it now than in 5 or 7 years time when the split will be harder on your son as he will be older and more aware.

Many years ago when I had DD I was so exhausted I felt I could barely function or sleep, so I ended up booking an appointment with my GP. DD must have been about 2.

She started asking me a series of questions, ie “who does the cooking?”, “who does the washing?” and I realised I was answering “me” to everything.

Some men just drain the life out of you and will take anything they can get. You’re better off doing it solo.

You don’t need him, he’s proved that to you already. I would tell him to leave.

Be thankful you aren’t married. Of course he’s lazy and he’s not making you happy. Arrange childcare and get rid of him. He’ll be a leech ‘til the end of your days.

If be most pissed off at the fact he somehow managed to pool savings in the time when surely he could have offered them up so you didn’t have to go back to work so soon!
he sounds so immature and selfish, I’m so sorry OP

What are his redeeming qualities? He must have some? You chose to start a life with someone who earns a lot less than you and who's work ethic is widely different to yours. When I met dh he too earned less than me but he was ambitious and had a good work ethic. He chased promotions and now out earns me 3x. I would have dropped him if he was a slacker. There was no way I was going to laden myself with the burden of an extra person who didn't pull their weight. Unfortunately you have as he isn't doing enough around the house or taking on extra care of your baby. What does he plan to do with his 3 months off work? It doesn't mean he can have 3 months off from family life.

I'd ditch him because he really isn't bringing anything to the table. He should be able to see the stress you are under and should be trying to alleviate it. He doesn't respect you and for me there is no love without respect.

I'd take time to consider whether this relationship can be saved but if you are resentful already, I think it is doomed.

He needs three months off to do what? I’m also curious that his employer would allow him the three months off and he would still have a job to go back to?

You've done the audit and concluded that the stress and growing resentment easily outweighs the little help he offers. Best he goes now, rather than in several years when the law may have changed and given unmarried parents greater rights and he can claim to have contributed more significantly to your set-up than he has.

I assume that this is what he wants, too. Freedom from fatherhood and household and childcare responsibilities. Because otherwise he would have put some effort into being a father and a supportive partner to a high-earner who gives him a decent quality of life, surely?