Lost it with DP, money and time off

[Moneyworries890]

I come home from work after a particular bad day today and DP announces he plans to take 3 months off work, unpaid. Because he feels like it. I fucking lost it.

We have an 11 month old. I went back to work at 7 months to support us as I'm the higher earner. Pumping round the clock, doing every night wake (because baby totally rejected DP once I went back to work), being a terrible employee and a terrible mother and hating life as I couldn't balance it all.

I've already supported him, pre-baby, for a 6 month period where he took time off. I also lent him money for a masters degree (which he completed part time on top of full time work, pre-baby).

He's not lazy per se but he prioritises himself 100% when it comes to finances.

To expect me to support us for 3 months just because he feels like it? I lost it. Totally fucking lost it. I want to be done with him now. I actually hate him.

Once we calmed down he said he has saved enough money so he can still contribute to the household as normal and he was never planning to ask me to support us 100%

1. I don't believe him (i believe he has the money but he would have 100% expected me to pay for everything)and

2. if he has saved up all that money, how about treating his exhausted partner and mother of his child to something. No? Didn't think so.

In his defence, his income is insignificant compared to mine. We can do without his, not without mine.But I can't be working my arse off while he sits at home, with a full time nanny and the mortgage paid every month. I just can't. Maybe I'm unreasonable. But no fucking way.

Ultimately, I think he has completely underestimated the toll going back to work has taken on me. Truth be told, I resent that he couldn't support me to stay home for a year. Why the fuck does he need 3 months off?

Sorry you're going through this...this is why I hate the equality movement.

Women just can't do it all and shouldn't be expected to and men need to know that they always need to step up and not down.

The roles are complimentary, but not the same, and I feel like being a woman is so much harder now because we're expected to do everything and just keep doing it until we retire or die.

We just aren't built to do this and be able to look after ourselves and our families. This is why men had that role in the past.

I hope you work something out. It's hard losing respect for the man you love. Sounds like that's what has happened.

You have a choice: to break your heart or your back.

Your heart will heal.

Don’t let him become sahd as he’ll then claim he’s the main carer and you’ll have to support him (suspect you know this anyway).

I think perhaps you could suggest that if he wants 3 months off he moves out and does his 3 months on his own. He evidently had the money so can support himself! This will give you time apart, you won’t have to listen to him go on about what he (hasn’t) done all day and feel resentful you’re supporting him.

But generally I can’t see what he’s bringing to the relationship from what you’ve written. He should be trying to build a career not sponge.

Some men are so selfish that they resent maternity leave and want their 'go' at time off.

I'd have to leave him. I couldn't cope with him over his 3 month break. I'd resent him too much.

Also agree with you that he was expecting you to fund the 3 months and has back peddled when you went ballistic.

it sounds like he needs to connect with baby if he is rejecting him.

you have to start sharing night feeds. This unsustainable. Babies adapt she will fuss for a bit but you can’t be doing it all you will give yourself a breakdown.

It'd make sense if he was planning to become - for want of a better term - a house husband. You could bin the nanny and he'd be responsible for all the emotional labour and running the household, organising kids, sorting doctors appointments. That sort of thing. But even then, it should be a joint decision. One person in a relationship can't unilaterally decide they're going to radically change things.

With his attitude to you and your household I'd be minded to end the relationship. He doesn't sound like he'll change.

I’d let him go so he has to be an adult for his 3 months off and find himself somewhere to live and pay his bills, will be a productive change for him.

Whatever you do, do NOT let him become a pretend stay at home parent. Every single friend of mine in this position has been left doing all of the heavy lifting whilst he swans to the gym, thinks chicken nuggets every night is adequate for dc, and invests nothing in the children. He will then go for full custody having contributed absolutely nothing.

Ask him to leave.
Stick with the nanny.
Get your life back by investing in actual help rather than a cocklodger.

She doesn’t have to do everything though!

at some point as women we have to accept that men can do things and don’t need direction or guidance or hints they will either do it or not.

and if they don’t do it you don’t Marry and have kids with them.
if you split life 50/50 why can’t you have normal functioning life?!? You e are letting men off the hook for their responsibilities to family life

If his pay is so low would it not be better to get rid of the nanny and make him look after his child?

Wrong. I'm saying women shouldn't be on the hook for finances and kids because it's too much! He shouldn't have the audacity to think he can just get out of work and everyone is fine with it.

Read what I said and not what you think I said!

Do not marry this man

If you do choose to stay it’s probably worth speaking with him that this unreliable behaviour and lack of shared weight of responsibility has prompted you to get some legal arrangements in place to ensure that while you slog away to bring money into the house and he doesn’t expect to have to do the same that he understands he cannot be entitled to a claim in your estate should you split

So he’s saved money for him to take time off but he could t save to contribute to extra maternity leave for you. Likely he wasn’t contributing what he could towards bills and baby expenses when you were off, he was squirrelling away for himself.
Yeah he can get to fuck.

The added issue with this case is @Moneyworries890 gave birth less than a year ago and is still BF. Her partner’s body doesn’t have that need for recovery. IME it takes a good year for your body to fully recover from pregnancy and birth.

It’s why I’m a little bemused by fathers who want to ‘share’ maternity leave on the basis of equality, when the mother has given birth and is BF. I realise they’re trying not to be sexist. But I actually find it sexist. It can never be equal when her body and mind is recovering from those physical, mental and hormonal demands, while theirs isn’t. Different, of course, if the mother hasn’t given birth. And I fully respect some women prefer to return to their job within a year.

IME stat maternity pay should be for a year and be much more generous. With employers expected to top up to full pay, if it’s higher. I’m happy to fund that as a taxpayer. Most people only have a couple of kids in their entire working life. Mothers should have the genuine option of a year of paid leave after birth.

Did he say why? Did he even try to pretend it was so he could spend time with the baby? Did he ever pay you back for that masters? Im guessing his spending habits are an issue generally....

This isn't about men staying at home, this is about one parent giving up their job without discussion within he partnership and coming home saying they are having 3 months off.

They haven't come home and said "sack" the nanny I will take over my parenting duties and be a stay at home dad

No I’m right.

it’s fine for a woman to earn more if the or the responsibility is picked up by her partner.

It’s about complementary roles not sex. If one has to work more and this earns more the other partner should be supporting doing the night feeds.

somehow earning more for men means completely checking out of doing anything for family life. No.

everyone should be chipping in a man can feed a baby and clean a house just as well as anyone else.

of he can pay his way during a sabbatical that’s fine really it’s the laziness that’s the issue

OP the fact that his money is insignificant, he wants to give up work, you feel mum guilt and you’re paying for a nanny - but he’s incapable of being a decent SAHD says it all.

As PPs have said, it makes sense to get rid of the nanny and him be a SAHD - win win. But you can’t do that because it will put more on your plate.

He does not get to sit at home for 3 months, whilst you’re working your arse off and paying for a nanny.

Tell him it’s not happening.
If he wants to take a week or 2 AL then fine but as a grown adult, he does not get to just not work for months.

If one of you can be at home, then I think it's only fair that that person looks after any children - for the experience on both sides, so Nanny goes. Also, I'd present him with a long list of jobs he can do in the meantime, and tell him that there won't be money for things like meals out, his hobby, drinks with mates as you've decided that you want to save for you to have time off in the future!

I think you do need to think about how you feel about him in general and whether he makes you truely happy, as he sounds like a 'cocklodger' to me

Of course all of this would be the case. Therefore you should tell him that and make it clear that you know all those things would happen, therefore it's a big fat NO.

1. I don't pay for a nanny so that you can swan around indulging your hobbies and vanity projects or 'having a rest' when I need the rest so much more than you do.

2. Any money you have saved should go towards helping redress the huge imbalance in our contribution levels to the household finances, given that you do not act as full time carer to our child. I don't hold it against you that you don't earn as much as me, but I do hold it against you that you feel so entitled to coast along at my expense without being prepared to take up the slack at home to make things easier on me.

As an aside, I think it's perfectly okay to stop BFing now. If your son is still waking every night for a comfort feed then you really need to stop that. You are human, not a machine. You need to sleep.

DONT cancel a good nanny as you'll need her if you ditch man child and will need her anyway 3 months down the line.

The first year with a new baby is always very tough, especially if you go back to work. It put a big strain on any relationship and maybe him being home for 3 months could make life less strained for you.

Teach him to clean. Make it clear you expect him to be doing all nappy changes. If he isnt doing them already why not?

Are you weaning baby now? This will mean they need less milk and can move on to a cup, maybe with a straw. If you enjoy breastfeeding just feed at night.

Who earns what is irrelevant.

Neither of you should be quitting work for months on end.

If one of you is struggling, then you have a discussion and decide whether to hand your notice in before securing another job. And in the meantime, whilst looking for another job, you would be taking on 90% of the childcare and housework, cooking etc.

Don’t cancel a nanny for a 3 month break it’s not worth it.

Has his masters made any difference to his job prospects or his earning power?

What is it he says he wants to use the time off for, exactly? Is he working on a business plan for a career change? Writing a book? What?

What did he spend the previous six months off doing?

Does he genuinely think this will help him contribute more in the long run and put you on more of an even footing financially?