Lost it with DP, money and time off

[Moneyworries890]

I come home from work after a particular bad day today and DP announces he plans to take 3 months off work, unpaid. Because he feels like it. I fucking lost it.

We have an 11 month old. I went back to work at 7 months to support us as I'm the higher earner. Pumping round the clock, doing every night wake (because baby totally rejected DP once I went back to work), being a terrible employee and a terrible mother and hating life as I couldn't balance it all.

I've already supported him, pre-baby, for a 6 month period where he took time off. I also lent him money for a masters degree (which he completed part time on top of full time work, pre-baby).

He's not lazy per se but he prioritises himself 100% when it comes to finances.

To expect me to support us for 3 months just because he feels like it? I lost it. Totally fucking lost it. I want to be done with him now. I actually hate him.

Once we calmed down he said he has saved enough money so he can still contribute to the household as normal and he was never planning to ask me to support us 100%

1. I don't believe him (i believe he has the money but he would have 100% expected me to pay for everything)and

2. if he has saved up all that money, how about treating his exhausted partner and mother of his child to something. No? Didn't think so.

In his defence, his income is insignificant compared to mine. We can do without his, not without mine.But I can't be working my arse off while he sits at home, with a full time nanny and the mortgage paid every month. I just can't. Maybe I'm unreasonable. But no fucking way.

Ultimately, I think he has completely underestimated the toll going back to work has taken on me. Truth be told, I resent that he couldn't support me to stay home for a year. Why the fuck does he need 3 months off?

I have had some miserable jobs that I have hated....I have stuck them out until I could find something better, as the mortgage/bills/food still need to be paid for. That is what life is like for most people.

If he hates his job he should just stick it out and tell himself it is just for a little while until his new work starts. Or if he really can't stand it then at least do whatever interim work he can get.

You have a plan to build a better future but it seems that he doesn't want to support you in that. You say 'we are saving for a house' but it seems that it is only you who is saving for this, as his savings are to be spent on himself. I think you need to focus on your and your child's needs. I agree, do not buy a house with him.

If the job was so bad / stressful / boring it caused mental health issues he had to be signed off for, then you could understand why he’d want a few months off til whatever’s he’s got lined up for January starts. But it isn’t that bad. He just can’t be arsed, and is completely tone deaf to your needs and priorities.

I don’t know where you go from here OP.

Show him this thread.

Virtually never a good idea. Certainly not in this case.

Yeah no unless he’s on paid gardening leave, he doesn’t just get to quit before his next role starts. Especially when you have goals like buying a house. Thats selfish, and will set you back from that goal. If he has money saved, that should go into the savings for the house fund. Not be funding a break just for one party.

But yes, honestly, I wouldn’t put the house in both your names if you can get a mortgage for it on your own. If he hasn’t really saved or contributed to it, tough for him. If he does put some money in but it’s really unequal, get a deed of trust.

@Moneyworries890 - I really feel for you. I remember the exhaustion that comes with a high pressure job and having tiny babies, but I cannot imagine what it must be like to do it with an uncooperative, useless, obstructive, uncaring partner.

What you must realise that people who are this selfish will not change, not ever. He will go on watching you struggle and not lift a finger. He may, at some point, if he thinks his meal ticket might be getting restless, pull himself together temporarily and put on a show of being the doting husband and father - but it won’t last.

This is who he is. You are an intelligent woman and you have choices. Choose wisely!

Thoughts: 1. He's not living in the real world. 2. He's relying on you to provide for you all. 3. You've probably got a strong sense of ick off him now - what would it take him to do to come back from that, if that's possible, and is there any chance of that happening?

All he has to do is stick it for 3 months before his next job starts? - with that 3 months' salary he could put £ towards current life, paying down mortgage, a holiday/treat or your DC's future.

Sounds like what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine!

I think you're done here.

Freeloading bastard.

Bin him and just be glad you never married him.

Blimey @Moneyworries890 doesn’t sound good. I know you have said if you tell him
nanny goes etc he will hand kids back and try and get you home early etc, but I really see the choice as 1) you make him be SAHD no nanny and you develop hard shell/resolve not to take over however much he moans or 2) dump his sorry arse because he will never do his share.

sorry but I think it would be 2) for me

100% agree protect your property!

There is no "We" are saving for a house etc YOU are saving for yourself and your DC.

Do not put his name on any property. That will be akin to rewarding him for having no care or thought for you and quitting work as he pleases as if he has no responsibility or stress - which he doesn't really as you will carry the load, sort it and pay for everything and manage the baby and nanny and sort the house. He has lucked out. He could probably actually make loads of money selling courses to other wannabe CFs on how to achieve this amazing set up.

In all seriousness, you sound a wonderful Mum and a supremely capable person. You know what you deserve and you know what you want. Time to put yourself first for once, your happiness matters. Wishing you all the best OP.

All i'm going to tell you is that if you dream of a house, with a tiny fucking garden, stand your ground, but also be prepared to go after that alone.

I tagged along while my ex husband chased his dreams, and I never got my house with a tiny fucking garden. I didn't want much. Just that for raising my kids. Never got it, now starting again at 40. My kids will never play in the garden. I hear you.

It sounds like you know what you need to do. And yes you need a break. Totally identify with the weaponised incompetence he will display if he’s at home which will make your home and working life more difficult. I’m furious on your behalf. Sorry it’s so hard for you right now.

Yes. You might as well be a single mum. At least you wouldn't be feeling annoyed and put upon all the time. Loads of people don't love their jobs but they don't just quit. I feel for you.

He's exploiting you OP, but you are too stressed angry & overwhelmed to get to grips with the situation. That's how they get the better of you; keep up the constant pressure so that you cant get yourself together enough to push back.

@Moneyworries890 I hope you are giving serious thought to these poster's replies. Many have been where you are and speak from experience. They are trying their best to save you from learning the hard way, just what kind of "D"P you have on your hands.

The house, right now, is in your name. Why would you buy another home with him? You know that as soon as you do, or as soon as you marry, he will own a good portion of everything YOU have worked so hard to accomplish.

You paid for him to get a master's degree, but it doesn't sound like it's being used. You deserve to have that paid back to you from "his savings". It sounds like only ONE person is putting in the hard work of this relationship, and it is not your "D"P.

It was mentioned in your first post that he has given you "the ick". Keep that "ick" alive, take off any rose-colored glasses you still may have perched upon your nose and see this so-called man for what he really is; a man not worthy of your grace, your time, your money or your consideration.

With your nanny and a cleaner, you and your child can still get a house with a little fucking garden, or even a decent sized garden. I'm afraid that with that living, breathing, selfish and self-centered albatross around your neck, you may never achieve YOUR dream because he will always be chasing rainbows and unicorns at your and your child's expense.

I truly wish you and your child the very, very best life can offer, and that your hard work results in a life you both deserve. You can do this!

I would book a marriage counselling session and get all this out into the open.

Like fuck would i buy a house with him!

Aww poor baby he’s so hard done by because he doesn’t like his job.

You need a proper man not this lightweight.

He will drag you down until you resent the very sight of him.

Marriage counselling? They are not married, nor should they ever be! She is being financially abused.

She doesn’t need marriage counselling (they’re not married).
She needs to get rid of the leech.

Hear hear!

He's the problem. He can go to and pay for counselling for himself if its so desperately needed...
The last thing the OP needs is to be paying more of his bloody bills.

@Moneyworries890 im so sorry. You must be gutted to see how little he cares for you.

In my experience men who do this once in the way he has (no notice, no empathy for you, no signs of an imminent breakdown) will do this over and over again. The “good thing” in January will prove to be not so great when he starts it and he will decide he needs another break. And so on and so on. There will never be any consultation or thought about how it affects you. Everything will be about him.

And it is already a pattern with him as you say you have previously supported him in a break. I would tell him no. He’s had his break. It doesn’t happen again without careful planning and sacrifice on his part. Or just end it and save yourself the stress.