I married a very nice person thinking my love for her well grow with time. Now I don't know how to become single again.

[desolatelover]

I'm from originally from South Asia, but I've built my life in Europe. I never really found true love. Some how, my luck never favoured me in terms of romance.

At the age of 33, I decided that I'll try something different because I didn't want to be single anymore. I decided to marry from the country of my origin, through the help of my mother. She asked me to meet this girl. I felt she was a nice down-to-earth person, not high maintenance. Most importantly I felt that she was really into me. I could feel that she really liked me (many women did tell me that apparently I'm handsome). That was always very important to me, that the girl has to be head over heels about me. But I never really found her that attractive, facially. But I thought beauty fades with age and hopefully love will grow in time.

However, after 5 years of marriage, love isn't in my heart for her. In fact, first 2 years I felt great deal of affection for her but now if I could, without breaking her heart, I'd divorce her.

I've tried to give her the best possible life I could. She moved with me in Europe. We traveled many countries together. Before marriage, I had promised that her studies won't be affected. I kept that promise. I helped her getting as much educated as possible since she's been here. I always encourage her to learn skills so she can also build a career.

She also really wanted a baby. It got very complicated. We had to try a lot of medicines because of her PCOS. Now she's pregnant. But truth be said, I have been regretting marrying her just after the first 2 years of our marriage. But it's not her fault. She's a truly loving wife, always wanting to make me happy. And that's why I didn't ask for divorce because I can't break her heart. That's why I wanted to do the best I could for her. Even with the baby, I did my best to help her because she was getting really depressed, feeling she was an incomplete woman, incapable of being a mother.

But deep in my heart I don't feel love for her. In our country divorce is a devastating matter. It's like killing a woman. I feel deep regret not thinking about what a grave deed I was committing into by getting into a marriage from that country. I feel guilty of marrying her and failing to truly love her.

Now, I feel may be I just don't know how to love women the way they would like to be and I realise more and more that I'm actually happier single. Before getting married I was single and alone for 11 years, only visiting my family every few years. I guess it's just my nature to be alone, I'm a loner.

I'd like to be free and single again. I've been to nearly 40 countries. I just would like to travel and explores beauties of the world and not bother about love anymore.

But now I don't know how to get out of this marriage without breaking the heart of a person who has been so loving and kind to me. I'm totally at a loss.

Not even once have you considered what’s in her or your child’s best interests.

Sorry but you don’t get to just marry someone, get them pregnant and then change your god damn mind. You made your bed, so get comfy.

I don't especially like babies. So I didn't have them.

It's immensely selfish otherwise, because a human being can't be dependent on you unless you're all in about being their parent.

"I'd be miserable with a child" - but you HAVE a child. You are a parent. You don't get to opt out of it.

I hope you have lots of savings to fund the extensive therapy your child will need as an adult when they realise their father didn't want them there - because believe me, they'll realise.

This. But I would say that, wouldn’t I (being a therapist). Perhaps it’s not a genuine post, but the author will still benefit from therapy.

My father was like you. He spent his bachelorhood in Europe and brought my mother over from their shared motherland. He always acted as if he did her (and us) a huge favour in bringing our mother to Europe and bringing us up here. He acted as if my mother and his children owed his eternally for this alone. It was clear that he never wanted to marry my mother, nor to be a father. He was a loner much like you too, and a narcissist. He did eventually leave us, but only after destroying us entirely. I pray your wife and child do not suffer the same fate as us.

May I ask how did he actually destroy your life? I mean in Europe there's a decent support system provided by the government to raise children, miles better than in 3rd world country. Did your mother is educated and could find work, then it's very doable to raise a child, right?

Look I'm not defending your father. I don't know what exactly went in your or his life. But why does one parent leaving would totally destroy a life?

I see so many single mothers in Central Europe, they seem get on pretty well with their lives.

In any case, I never said I'll leave my wife money less. Money is the most important thing in life. If I can provide her that regular, I believe she'll be fine.

I never got live through married life before to really feel how mundane and boring it can be, especially with children. If I knew it, I'd never marry. Single life is far more interesting with very little headache and responsibility. I have had responsibility all my life, I'm just tired of it.

So, just because I made one mistake I must be imprisoned to force life?

If I didn't care about best interests, I'd never think about giving money to them post-divorce. Money is the most important thing in life, that's women mostly marry men with money and leave men when men get poor. I wouldn't also think about where they could live with having more support networks.

That's a total false accusation. I understand that you're woman, so you'll only take the POV from women, and blame it all on men, but there needs to be some fairness and justice.

@desolatelover so just because I made one mistake I must be imprisoned for life?

yep. That’s how it goes. You made promises. You are expected to keep those promises. You promised to love, honour and cherish your wife. That means you have to decide, every single day, to put her good ahead of your own. That’s literally what you said you would do. Now make good.

Lol, I'm pretty sure, if I was a woman, you'd think in a different way. Or I guess you're from the past. Are you one of those from the TV show "Beforeigners"? Did you accidentally time travel from 1925 or 1825? Or are you a follower of orthodox Christianity which bans divorce?

It’s really by the by- you made promises. Do you intend to keep them? Or do you intend to indulge yourself and avoid the difficult consequences of the choices you made.

It’s nothing to do with me- you chose what you chose. Now get the fuck on with it.

It's not about who wants what, it should always be justice. My responses triggered you didn't it, when I talked about justice?

That's why I hate humans, you never get justice from them.

Justice for whom? What’s justice for you, won’t be justice for your wife and child.

You hate humans because they don’t say what you want to hear.

If I'm paying them money and facilitating all the possible support I can while not living with them, what am I doing wrong? Have I murdered someone that I'll have to be caged with living with them even if makes my life hell?

I did tell my wife many times I don't want kids. But she was almost dying from depression without getting pregnant. Even yesterday she was saying she couldn't tolerate being considered a failure from not being able to become a mother. What else am I supposed to do with out giving into her desire to become a mother?

Oh god, why has this creep come back? I'd managed to forget about him 🤣

I’m not blaming “men”, I’m blaming you. For being a coward and thinking only about yourself and not the life you created or the woman you led on.

How the fuck did I led her on? I have given her everything I've promised.

1. Travelling the world
2. Helping her get highly educated
3. Giving her a high standard of life
4. Giving her a child she so desperately wanted
5. Protecting her from inherent toxic natures of families in that fucking 3rd world country that I so hate

But I had not lived a married life or had a child or even had a long relationship to fully realise I'd like it or not. One thing I gambled was about falling in love. Yes, I didn't lover her at first sight. I thought with time it will grow. But that true love didn't happen, like it never truly did for any woman who had liked me.

Just because a gamble didn't work must I be blamed for deceiving her? Who the fuck falls in love with a woman at first sight unless she's as hot as Kisrten Prout?

And people fall in and out of love all fucking time, must they be imprisoned for life?

And why the fuck are you calling me coward? Am I supposed to not give her a child when she's dying for it?

I felt that if she at least had a child and lived separately from me that will soften the blow because she won't feel she doesn't have anyone in her life. Many times I suggested remarrying other men, but she insisted she can't imagine marrying someone else.

Place yourself in my position and think what you'd do. Knowing most of the posts here, you'd probably divorce her leaving her alone anyways, because that's how most the people are here. Very selfish, suggesting divorce at the drop of a hat.

Arranged marriages are often problematic. Either decide to stick it out, or tell her and go.

No not triggered at all. In the broadest possible sense it is about justice. You giving to your wife and child what they deserve. That is justice.

Look, you’re not the first cad, you won’t be the last. It doesn’t make what you’re doing ok, it just means another woman has to bear the consequences of shitty decisions made to her, not by her.

But if you whine about being trapped or not having the life you want, well, you’re whining. Stop being a baby. Do what you promised, that’s what you should do. Keep the promises you made.

The problem is that it is of course true that sometimes love doesn’t grow, or it changes or it disappears completely. And of course you can’t tell the future.

But what you should have done was be honest with her about it all the whole way through and let her have a say! If you tell her you don’t love her but hope it will grow, she then has a chance to decide if that’s enough for her. Sure, she wanted a baby but for you to impregnate her and then leave hoping the baby will be enough is just cruel. You should’ve said to her that you don’t think the relationship is working out and you don’t want a baby or think you can raise one but you will get her pregnant if she chooses that path, knowing she is doing it alone and without you.

You may have given her an education and a baby and brought her to country where she has more opportunities, but you have never given her honesty, respect or agency in her own life and that’s why I think you’re a coward.

😂😂😂

Not being horrible here because my husband is from Asia as well but if you felt so lonely that you needed to ask your mum for help to find a wife, how do you envision your dating life going forward?

Join the club.
My lovely husband is absolutely worn out with the problems we've been dealt.

He's become fulltime carer for myself, takes me to dialysis and hospital appointments 4 times a week.
He keeps an eye on our autistic son who's living in supported living and helps our daughter who has depression and anxiety.
Does all the cooking, washing, cleaning.

He never asked for this life when we got married. Yet he still keeps plodding on and loves and respects us all.
And there are lots of husbands (and wives) who do all this every day of their lives, seven days a week.

My husband is a real man, you are NOT.
You are extremely weak minded.

Grow up and take on your responsibilities.

He married my mother almost 40 years ago. The welfare system was not as it is now. My mother was highly educated but learnt English as a second language. She also have 4 children in quick succession to care for singlehandedly and without support.

Him leaving when we were younger would have been a mercy. My mother would have returned to our motherland in that case. Instead he stayed and sucked the life out of each and every one of us. He only left when we our psyches were utterly destroyed.

"This real man" is a total hogwash used by women to leech men from the enjoyment of one single life people have to live. My mother used this to take advantage of me. I did everything for her but she betrayed my trust.

Society doesn't value virtues at all. They just teach people these so that the clever ones can take advantage of the stupid people who follow these virtues. That's you have people like Trump in power, at total evil person.

Don't teach me about "real man". I took responsibility all my life. And my reward was betrayal and heartache.

I don't think I'll date anymore lol. It's too much hassle for very little reward. I was always very very lazy socially. I never really found much enjoyment from socialising with anyone unless that person is truly experienced in life and interesting, who is open to teaching and from whom I can learn.

The only advantage for me in having a relationship is getting regular sex, but I've had enough sex in my life now. I don't enjoy it that much now. So there's nothing to gain from dating.

The situation was tricky in 2020. I couldn't do my usual things in life, going to gym, traveling, doing other activities etc. So, I was really bored and I think that clouded my judgement.

Now, if I become single I'll have the entire world to explore and many new things to try and learn.