I married a very nice person thinking my love for her well grow with time. Now I don't know how to become single again.

[desolatelover]

I'm from originally from South Asia, but I've built my life in Europe. I never really found true love. Some how, my luck never favoured me in terms of romance.

At the age of 33, I decided that I'll try something different because I didn't want to be single anymore. I decided to marry from the country of my origin, through the help of my mother. She asked me to meet this girl. I felt she was a nice down-to-earth person, not high maintenance. Most importantly I felt that she was really into me. I could feel that she really liked me (many women did tell me that apparently I'm handsome). That was always very important to me, that the girl has to be head over heels about me. But I never really found her that attractive, facially. But I thought beauty fades with age and hopefully love will grow in time.

However, after 5 years of marriage, love isn't in my heart for her. In fact, first 2 years I felt great deal of affection for her but now if I could, without breaking her heart, I'd divorce her.

I've tried to give her the best possible life I could. She moved with me in Europe. We traveled many countries together. Before marriage, I had promised that her studies won't be affected. I kept that promise. I helped her getting as much educated as possible since she's been here. I always encourage her to learn skills so she can also build a career.

She also really wanted a baby. It got very complicated. We had to try a lot of medicines because of her PCOS. Now she's pregnant. But truth be said, I have been regretting marrying her just after the first 2 years of our marriage. But it's not her fault. She's a truly loving wife, always wanting to make me happy. And that's why I didn't ask for divorce because I can't break her heart. That's why I wanted to do the best I could for her. Even with the baby, I did my best to help her because she was getting really depressed, feeling she was an incomplete woman, incapable of being a mother.

But deep in my heart I don't feel love for her. In our country divorce is a devastating matter. It's like killing a woman. I feel deep regret not thinking about what a grave deed I was committing into by getting into a marriage from that country. I feel guilty of marrying her and failing to truly love her.

Now, I feel may be I just don't know how to love women the way they would like to be and I realise more and more that I'm actually happier single. Before getting married I was single and alone for 11 years, only visiting my family every few years. I guess it's just my nature to be alone, I'm a loner.

I'd like to be free and single again. I've been to nearly 40 countries. I just would like to travel and explores beauties of the world and not bother about love anymore.

But now I don't know how to get out of this marriage without breaking the heart of a person who has been so loving and kind to me. I'm totally at a loss.

You women love blaming everything on men, that’s a classic. Today what I’m emotionally because of the selfishness of my mother she my sister. I never wanted my father dead because he was the most selfless person I know. That’s why I was saying yesterday that, “in my life only selfish people are alive. I wish my dad would be alive instead of my mother. He’d be so happy seeing my progress in my n life, not constantly be selfish like my mother”.

Women are so selfish. That’s why I don’t do anything with them anymore,

I have asked her to divorce verbally many times when we were having fights. During those times, I even said I’ll help her find another man. But she’s always declined. Don’t put everything on me. If I was heartless I could have walked away long time ago, but I wanted her life to be at a stronger more stable state when I do leave her. I have encouraged her in every way to so that she’s stronger person emotionally, financially and in terms of skills. She will be free to whatever she wants once she has divorce. I’ll be very happy if she forgets me totally and I forget her too.

And someone was claiming I’ll lose everything if I let her go. I actually don’t fear it at all. Since my father’s death, I never felt I had anyone to go to, to rely on, to talk to. That’s because my mother has always been a selfish one. So I’ve been alone before my marriage, I’ll be so after my marriage. It won’t make difference to my life. My life is better off being alone.

And I don’t want her to owe anything at all. I don’t give a fuck what she does after divorce. I hate taking anything from anyone. I earn my own money, every thing I own is earned by me. Event if I ever receive any gifts from my mother or wife, I have to pay for that too, lol. That’s why I always say them to not gift me anything. I made my life in Europe since I arrived here with 1500 euros. I don’t need anyone to give me anything.

yeah, keep on abusing me more for stating this truth.

has your wife actually had a baby yet / are you a father yet ?

She is due in a few months. We bought all the necessary things for the baby. Abortion is out of question as having this kinda became the meaning of her life. She was feeling incomplete as a woman without being a mother. We had to struggle a lot to get her pregnant. I could never convince her that life is better off without babies, without more humans in this brutal world.

Will you be leaving your wife before or after the baby is born.

You as good as say you hate women and don’t really want connections with any.

Just leave your wife then 🤷🏻‍♀️ you worry about your reputation but men who leave their wives are ten a penny?

It’s not exactly an unusual situation and people will hear you’ve split up and move on, it’s not an extraordinary situation that the world will be shocked by and obsessed with.

Just break up, make sure she is financially provided for adequately and move on.

No point establishing a relationship with a child you won’t have a healthy and meaningful relationship with - that will do more harm than good to everyone.

Then you’re free to live your life in the way you want to.

Other than the ego hit of some people perhaps judging you for leaving her, what’s the downside to you personally?

I have just spent a good hour reading this thread and I can’t quite believe people are engaging with it. If it’s real it reads like an incel post if it’s not then it’s a pretty brutal attempt at trolling.

You agreed to have a child under these circumstances. You made a choice, so stop blaming her. Nobody forced you. Now you want to abandon that child to travel and enjoy yourself?
There is no middle ground to be found. Either you step up and accept your responsibility as a father or you bugger off and be a deadbeat. Can you live with abandoning your child?
You can end your marriage and still be a good father if you don't run off to travel and seek shallow pleasure. You certainly don't have to stay in a marriage you don't want, but you should take responsibility for the child.

Could be, or maybe the OP is just a few bricks shy of a load.

You need a therapist. You clearly have mommy issues and your attitude about life and relationships is wildly unhealthy.

1. You must seek therapy with a psychologist as an urgent matter. You have serious mental health issues.
2. Stop sending money to your family. They should have enough by now! After that, simply grey rock them. Stop responding to calls, stop engaging.

Look - my DH is Asian, probably from the same country as you. He lived in similar circumstances - his dad died young and he - as the eldest brother - had to take care of his mom and 3 siblings at the age of 22 (he's just taken his last exams). His mom gave him the last money left in the house and he went to a capital to find a job. For years, he struggled, but worked hard and sent money to the family. After some years, he managed to get a job abroad and travelled the world working pretty much everywhere. Finally, he settled in the UK, found me and we got married. He called his mom and told her to organise the religious wedding, 'cause he's bringing his wife (and I'm European). And to be honest it was a smart move, 'cause if he married a lady from his country, he would have been entangled in a mesh of even greater responsibilities (and we are not all unfaithful and chasing men, you know, lol). We are happily married 15 years with 2 sons, very happy and enjoying life together as a family. So really, please, please, please seek urgent help and talk to a professional about your mental health struggles as it seems you have lost a purpose in your life. My DH is now planning his retirenment and can't wait to enjoy his life even more. BTW he never gave loads of money to his family after we got married, only to his mom and it was only enough for her to live back home, never spent loads on properties or cars, but saved everything (though he dreams of Tesla!). And all his siblings are now well settled with jobs and don't need support. If he was asked for money from anyone else than mom, he only gave loans. And he never ever cared about what people back home thought of him, cause he was confident that what he was doing was right. When they whined too much, he just stopped contact and grey rocked them for a while. But I know it must have been really difficult for him, as this culture is like this - placing huge responsibilties on men and huge restrictions on women. But his mom is an amazing person, very loving and quiet and shy lady and I love her.

I am in awe of my husband, his struggles and his strength of character and the things he achieved through sheer confidence, persistence and sensibility. You, on the other hand, seem to be in a very, very low place - please seek help with a professional mental health expert. BTW I don't know how you cannot love your baby, it's very sad... our boys have given so much joy to my husband and he loved spending time with them and putting them to sleep and cuddling them when they were little.

except: ask them to find you a wife; get married to them; have a sexual relationship with one; get her to carry and raise your child;
… and of course come to Mumsnet looking for them to soothe you existential crisis

I don’t love the baby because I loved my siblings very dearly when they were babies. I am much older than they are. I still think the time spent with them were the best years of my childhood. But they disappointed me after they grew older. They were never on my side at anything. They never understood me, what my heart desired. They have also been selfish. That’s why I realised no matter how you love humans, they will eventually disappoint you. My baby will do the same.

These days I send money most only for my mother, as both my siblings are now graduated and do their own jobs. But my mother never fails ask for more. It’s never enough for her.

lol, no one is asking to be soothed. I wanted to find the problems my wife might face post divorce with the child and solve those issues.

I never asked anyone to be my psychiatrist here. All I wanted is a constructive conversation, but mostly got abuse. Typical of most people I guess. Mostly brainless species we humans are. If it wasn’t for one or two exceptions we would either be extinct or be like chimps now.

If by “unhealthy”, you mean negative, well, I don’t have to many positive examples in my life. Only my dear dad had been selfless in my life. So, how am I supposed to feel positive about relationship?

You're supposed to be there for your baby unconditionally, not the other way round. Kids disappoint. That's the beauty of parenting that you serve something bigger then yourself and mature in the process.

Unfortunately many men were raised that way - to be focused on themselves and their own needs and many women experienced it first hand - that's why you're getting so many angry responses here. It's nothing personal.

You might think you're not selfish but you are.
Even when you say you stayed in marriage for your wife or had a baby because of her- no , you didn't. You did it for yourself- to avoid hard decisions and uncomfortable feelings for yourself.

For her it would be much better if you divorced her long time ago. She would probably be happily married now and had a child with someone who actually wants to be a responsible loving father.
Children are not a toy that you bring to the world to make your woman "happy". They should be born to two loving parents who want to care for them and accept them as they are.

You have put yourself in really difficult situation but whatever you do, don't send your child to another country. If you do it you will just make another bad decision. It's very important to be a good involved parent- don't assume you can't be . Try your best and don't make another innocent person suffer because of your mistakes. This one thing you can still make right in your life. Do not mess it up.

Maybe there is a way for marriage to dissolve amicably but I really don't know how you could go about it now when she's pregnant. You would have to wait.

There is also an option of making best of what you've got. Nobody has perfect life and we all make compromises, especially when we have a family.
You can work towards making other areas of your life fulfilling- work, hobbies, friendships etc.

I think that this your post illustrates my point.

You have not mostly got abuse at all.

If you read your posts they are contradictory (which country should your wife live in post divorce as an example), they are meandering and you never move on and take action to improve the situation.

You haven’t engaged with any of the questions that have been asked of you.

Why don’t we take a few steps back: you have already told her that you regret marrying her. How did you not then move that conversation forward to “We should get divorced”. To be unkind- you fluffed it, and now you are going to have to tell her again.

You seem to struggle with the fact that one of the two of you will have to initiate the change. She doesn’t seem to want to, (although God only knows why given the way you have described your own behaviour) so that means you who wants the marriage to be over need to end the marriage.
I hate to break it to you, but she deserves better than you and she’ll get over it. Maybe you can even recommend this website and we will soon get her life back in order. BTW, your willingness to drop into infantilising her is another topic where you are inconsistent to the point of incoherency.

You cannot simultaneously have the freedom you crave, whilst avoiding the topic of the marriage ending. You are nearly 40 years old and have absolutely no excuse.
If being seen in a certain way is more important to you then accept that you are choosing not to leave and be a decent husband and father.
You are currently taking the worst possible route- you won’t actually end the relationship, except at home where she has to live with the fact you see meeting her as an awful mistake. You are messing a pregnant woman around in a way that is frankly disgusting, is the birth now imminent?

As loads of other people have said - this is a mess fully of your own making, (other than the society both of you grew up in). You are going to have to get yourself out of it.

This is exactly why you need therapy, so you can figure that out.
Lots of people who grew up with even worse examples manage to have healthy relationships. It's okay to need some help to get there.