I married a very nice person thinking my love for her well grow with time. Now I don't know how to become single again.

[desolatelover]

I'm from originally from South Asia, but I've built my life in Europe. I never really found true love. Some how, my luck never favoured me in terms of romance.

At the age of 33, I decided that I'll try something different because I didn't want to be single anymore. I decided to marry from the country of my origin, through the help of my mother. She asked me to meet this girl. I felt she was a nice down-to-earth person, not high maintenance. Most importantly I felt that she was really into me. I could feel that she really liked me (many women did tell me that apparently I'm handsome). That was always very important to me, that the girl has to be head over heels about me. But I never really found her that attractive, facially. But I thought beauty fades with age and hopefully love will grow in time.

However, after 5 years of marriage, love isn't in my heart for her. In fact, first 2 years I felt great deal of affection for her but now if I could, without breaking her heart, I'd divorce her.

I've tried to give her the best possible life I could. She moved with me in Europe. We traveled many countries together. Before marriage, I had promised that her studies won't be affected. I kept that promise. I helped her getting as much educated as possible since she's been here. I always encourage her to learn skills so she can also build a career.

She also really wanted a baby. It got very complicated. We had to try a lot of medicines because of her PCOS. Now she's pregnant. But truth be said, I have been regretting marrying her just after the first 2 years of our marriage. But it's not her fault. She's a truly loving wife, always wanting to make me happy. And that's why I didn't ask for divorce because I can't break her heart. That's why I wanted to do the best I could for her. Even with the baby, I did my best to help her because she was getting really depressed, feeling she was an incomplete woman, incapable of being a mother.

But deep in my heart I don't feel love for her. In our country divorce is a devastating matter. It's like killing a woman. I feel deep regret not thinking about what a grave deed I was committing into by getting into a marriage from that country. I feel guilty of marrying her and failing to truly love her.

Now, I feel may be I just don't know how to love women the way they would like to be and I realise more and more that I'm actually happier single. Before getting married I was single and alone for 11 years, only visiting my family every few years. I guess it's just my nature to be alone, I'm a loner.

I'd like to be free and single again. I've been to nearly 40 countries. I just would like to travel and explores beauties of the world and not bother about love anymore.

But now I don't know how to get out of this marriage without breaking the heart of a person who has been so loving and kind to me. I'm totally at a loss.

Your mask is slipping, it's clear that it's not just your wife that you dislike, but all women.

I’m sure you’re wanking a lot with porn and you will continue to do so ? Right???

No. It’s men like YOU who make women miserable. You’re a disgrace, and don’t think throwing some money at your child from afar will wipe away the shame or prevent anybody seeing you for what you are; including your child.

“ when you look too much the monster in the eyes you start looking like them”

You grew up in a toxic family and you have become a toxic person yourself.

you maybe ran away but took with you all the bad qualities of men with backwards minds. Physical beating isn’t just lol and haha. And who knows what else you’ve been through. I feel really really sorry for you. As for my husband but at least i don’t know somehow I managed to turn around the situation and he’s connected with my children. He destroyed the motherhood as I wanted it for life though, him and his family.

And as I said you have become a toxic person yourself. You did “future faking” because in your culture and almost all the cultures wedding comes with wishes for children and with the expectation for that!

And you still blame other women about it? Are you going to blame all the women for humanity multiplying?

I do believe the damage is really really deep and have affected your sexuality and ability for connection.

as above poster say you acted with full conscience and you acted with a series of deliberate and calculated actions.
if you really wanted to be free you shouldn’t have asked your mama to find you a wife.

Now you continue to act calculated, you have already taken in your head all the decisions and your poor wife has no idea about it.

You sound like you were depressed before you met her- but are now looking back with rose tinted glasses missing your freedom.
Where as I would probably guess you've been despondent for a while ( comments about ppl and spending time alone)

And you decided to strike out around covid?

but per your own comments you forgot about what you'd already identified you didnt like about your family culture, when you moved away, and have now recreated this. And the negative stuff is being highlighted.

maybe not forgot exactly but you pushed it away and dismissed it. You didn't make anything new but fell back.

Travelling can be great, but it sounds like your In that mindset of floating around and 'looking for something '

And this can lead to some shit situations bc your not 100% aware of the present because of idealising this kind of fantasy.

It sounds like you lack broader human connection ( a lot of people do its not uncommon) lack meaning, have low self esteem you've tried to plaster over with wife, have strong negative views of people but perhaps broad idealism,

A lot of people find themselves in these headspaces but it never leads to anything good. Literally just rot.

Ofcourse work can be fun and meaningful. Not the endless toil crying in medieval times while a crow eats your face version but in the empowered and meaningful sense.

You do sound weak.

OK. Different interpretation.

Oh dear. The more you say the worse you sound.

You agreed to an arranged marriage not a love marriage - and then got her pregnant, sorry but I think you signed up for not loving her.

If you cannot stay with her then yes you’ll have to suggest financially supporting her and the child while remaining legally married. You cannot condemn her to the results of divorce in her culture because you are a near-sighted and selfish idiot.

The only way to find a middle ground with your wife is to talk to your wife. But know that you are the bad guy - you want both of you to be happy but she wanted a happy marriage and you’ve stripped her of the chance of that.

Women in my culture don’t do that so don’t act like it’s a woman thing. It’s a cultural thing that’s caused by… patriarchal values!

Also having sex in public is a crime in Spain.

I've occasionally met your type before.

Disrespectful as this will sound, the plain truth is that I have found that this type of man is just extremely stunted. The way you speak about your mother tends to support that conclusion and perhaps it is background and upbringing that had lead you here, which is sad. Unfortunately it now impacts on everyone around you in ways that you are not able to understand.

Nothing anyone says to you here will help that as you haven't developed enough to understand why what you're proposing is a problem.

Your only real concern is how to do exactly as you please without looking like the bad guy, the same as if you were a teenage child.

Given that we are where we are and it doesn't sound like you will be seeking any help that might stand a chance of assisting you, I'd tend to agree that the least worst option is probably what you have proposed re financially supporting you wife and child from a distance and allowing your wife's family to support her practically. By financially supporting I do not mean sending money as and when you feel like it, but setting up financial independence for her and your child (house in her name, insurance policies in her favour, ideally a regular income stream in her name independent of future contributions from you etc.), even if anything should happen to you or you decide later on that you resent this financial tie also. You are unreliable so should not make her or you reliant on your future whim.

I say that this is the least worst option because if forced to stay with the two of them you will likely end up 'punishing' them for it, behave appallingly and make their lives much worse, so this is the lesser of two evils.

I hope that you are able to act more clear-sightedly in the future and cause less damage to those around you.

What about learning to take accountability for your actions.

You are not a victim, you chose your life.

You need a therapist.

Read about emotionally unavailable men

Being childless is culturally a no no for asians. You'd be interrogated as to why.

Relationships can be very transactional in the culture. Explains why op decided to get married and so asked mum to sort it out. Why he had a criteria of what he wanted. He had planned how the entire relationship was going to be and is frustrated that she isn't playing ball. She is wanting to live with him and not just return to their country of origin like a good little girl. And why would she? She may like the freedom of not living with family.

Look it seems you have two ways ‘out’
(a) A quiet withdrawal, over a period of time, just spending less and less time with him
(b) An honest conversation that you want to live separately (close by?) but you cannot be in the marriage.

You do actually sound depressed though, and I wonder if therapy would help you.

Me too.

OP, go and sort yourself out, please. Life with you must be draining.

The problem in all this is you are fundamentally selfish. You bemoaned a lack of love when you were younger, and now someone loves you and you are not bothered to love back.

heres the deal: love is not a feeling. Love is a decision: the decision to put someone else’s good ahead of our own. You are struggling with it, because without the feelings side of it, making that decision is a difficult thing to do. But that doesn’t matter- you married her, dragged her halfway across the world, impregnated her and now you have to face the consequences. Moreover, you have to face the consequences to your unborn daughter or son.

So, now the question is not “are you in love” but “will you love the woman that you promised to love”?.

are you a cad, or will you honour the promises and commitments you made? There is good news: the longer you make a practice of keeping these promises, the easier you will find it gets over time. You can say “I love you” without being a liar, because you might not be saying “I have warm squishy feelings” but “I want what is good for you, even if necessary to my own detriment”.

Thats what love is. But you’ll learn that when you have kids.

You, Sir, are what we call the greater spotted common garden wanker.

Despite your belief that you 'had to chose quite quickly' (quote: 'at the age of 33 I decided to try something different because I didn't want to be single anymore'), and that you 'shouldn't be judged by one action', you instead made dozens and dozens of small choices culminating in the position you are in now. You had relative power in many aspects of these choices, yet choose to position yourself as a victim of circumstance. You tried so hard to love the wife you chose despite her ugly face.

It's not at all anyone's fault that you didn't 'understand yourself' sooner (you were 33, not 19). Your post reeks of narcissism. You tell yourself confidently that any response that judges you 'just doesn't understand me', trying to minimise and disregard anyone who disagrees with your puffed up view of yourself and your clear intent to do what you damn well please with your poor wife's future.

You tell us that, in your culture, this will be devastating to your wife, in fact in 'our culture it is like killing a woman', yet your own fancy to be single and travel the world unencumbered is more important.

There are not sufficient words for me to describe the level of disgust and contempt I have for your smug self-serving immaturity. The fact you came on a predominantly women's site to take up our time asking us to support you while you preen yourself sickens me further. Your self-pitying story isn't unique and full of pathos, it's the same tired old shit men have been feeding themselves since the dawn of goddamn time. How I found my own lovely husband amongst the absolute sea of shite out there continues to be a matter for my personal astonishment.

Frankly, and I do believe this is the first time I've really sworn on Mumsnet in 21 years, fuck you to hell you absolute man child.

You can just do what wealthy or career driven people do, which is lead separate lives. The idea that she lives back in her home country and you support them generously financially could also work (if she wants to go!!). Or live like this even in the UK. The main thing is that both of you need to be aligned, and there needs to be a lot in it for her, eg probably quite a bit financial cost. Remember that although it’s harder in a conservative culture, she may also want to find love as well, and it’s not right of you to tell her she can’t.

I know a fair few Asian, African, South American people in the UK that live like that, where their child lives in their country of origin, and they mostly live here and send money and go for long visits. Seems like everyone is quite happy with the arrangement. The children live very privileged lives compared to what they’d have in the UK.

My parents did it to some extent as my dad wasn’t interested in family life and was interested in being free to do as he pleased at a moment’s notice and pursuing his career (so was my mum but that’s a different story). I’d say we were probably better off like this than him half-heartedly trying, feeling stuck in a small country, and parents constantly arguing.

Basically, it can work. I’d say see how the next year goes and be open-minded and supportive. I know it sounds patronising but once the baby is born you may feel differently about wanting to be in your child’s life. My dad hugely regretted not raising me later in life.

You made the decision to have a child so now you need to step up and do the work not just financially. You can't opt out just because it doesn't sound fun and you've already decided that said unborn child will be a dissapointment. You are the only disappointment in this scenario. You state that you've made decisions to make other people happy but really you've suited yourself. You gave married life a try with a woman you didn't love and now you want a way to break this woman's heart but in a way that you won't lose your reputation. You need to grow up, have some accountability and responsibility for your own choices.

As you said my previous advice helped here it goes — to give you the benefit of the doubt (rather than the cruel things pp have said) I would say you are a very logical thinker — this can come across cold and uncaring but if you are genuine in what you say then you are asking for help to reduce the harm to an individual you clearly care about. You have said (mostly) nice things about her and you care about her emotions, you just can’t handle being responsible for them.

You have been naive about how someone who has never had a long term relationship and has your personality traits / beliefs would manage a woman being completely dependent on you for her happiness. And to be fair that is a huge responsibility. I think most people would struggle to be someone’s world. The pressure is huge.

Sit her down and be honest about what you need in a relationship — space, autonomy and emotional freedom. Tell her you are not abandoning her and you want a solution where you can both thrive. Ask her what she needs to be happy knowing the limitations on what you can emotionally provide. Give your wife her choice back. Tell her you admire her. Tell her you wish you could be the person who can give her the intimacy she craves. Your inability to do this is not a reflection on her.

Then make a plan that has her and your child at the centre. You believe that humans are not trustworthy or good — prove that wrong in the way you deal with this.

Your view of humanity is really a reflection of you. Yes people lie, cheat, steal. But people can also do amazing things in the service of others. Sometimes the same people who have made poor choices before. Look at pretty much most mothers who sacrifice their body, time, health to protect their children. Doing a bad thing does not make someone bad. Everyone has faults — and you have acknowledged your own. A child is a blank canvas. Any disappointment you feel when your child grows up is a reflection of your own failings as a person and a parent. Maybe you aren’t ready yet to step up and I have sympathy for this if you were clear you didn’t want a child. But a child is not just a responsibility it really is the greatest gift. To be loved and needed by someone to you is frightening but it doesn’t need to be the chain around your neck. It can be the thing that sets you free. Free from your negativity and selfishness. Be a better person but don’t do it because society says so or because you made a promise you didn’t understand. Do it for yourself.

You do need to get all to your wife about this though. She may well want more from a relationship than just your name and status. She may want companionship, love, sex. By checking out you are denying her all of these. Just because you don't want them doesn't mean she doesn't. At least give her the option to have a say.

2/10

Definitely this.

Also is there a possibility you are not straight?

You are pathetically immature.