I married a very nice person thinking my love for her well grow with time. Now I don't know how to become single again.

[desolatelover]

I'm from originally from South Asia, but I've built my life in Europe. I never really found true love. Some how, my luck never favoured me in terms of romance.

At the age of 33, I decided that I'll try something different because I didn't want to be single anymore. I decided to marry from the country of my origin, through the help of my mother. She asked me to meet this girl. I felt she was a nice down-to-earth person, not high maintenance. Most importantly I felt that she was really into me. I could feel that she really liked me (many women did tell me that apparently I'm handsome). That was always very important to me, that the girl has to be head over heels about me. But I never really found her that attractive, facially. But I thought beauty fades with age and hopefully love will grow in time.

However, after 5 years of marriage, love isn't in my heart for her. In fact, first 2 years I felt great deal of affection for her but now if I could, without breaking her heart, I'd divorce her.

I've tried to give her the best possible life I could. She moved with me in Europe. We traveled many countries together. Before marriage, I had promised that her studies won't be affected. I kept that promise. I helped her getting as much educated as possible since she's been here. I always encourage her to learn skills so she can also build a career.

She also really wanted a baby. It got very complicated. We had to try a lot of medicines because of her PCOS. Now she's pregnant. But truth be said, I have been regretting marrying her just after the first 2 years of our marriage. But it's not her fault. She's a truly loving wife, always wanting to make me happy. And that's why I didn't ask for divorce because I can't break her heart. That's why I wanted to do the best I could for her. Even with the baby, I did my best to help her because she was getting really depressed, feeling she was an incomplete woman, incapable of being a mother.

But deep in my heart I don't feel love for her. In our country divorce is a devastating matter. It's like killing a woman. I feel deep regret not thinking about what a grave deed I was committing into by getting into a marriage from that country. I feel guilty of marrying her and failing to truly love her.

Now, I feel may be I just don't know how to love women the way they would like to be and I realise more and more that I'm actually happier single. Before getting married I was single and alone for 11 years, only visiting my family every few years. I guess it's just my nature to be alone, I'm a loner.

I'd like to be free and single again. I've been to nearly 40 countries. I just would like to travel and explores beauties of the world and not bother about love anymore.

But now I don't know how to get out of this marriage without breaking the heart of a person who has been so loving and kind to me. I'm totally at a loss.

I too am totally at a loss! You sound like a catch.

Sounds like you're stuck. You'll just have to make the best of it. Maybe try to focus on how lucky you are to have a great partner?

Your poor wife.

It was ‘very important’ for her to be head over heels for you but .. she didn’t deserve someone who was head over heels for her too?

and you’ve married her, got her pregnant … and decided actually you’d rather be single?

wow. She’d be better off without you!

Well you shouldn't have got her pregnant for a start! You say divorce is devastating to a woman in your culture, I only imagine that would be worse with a baby. If she's kind and a good partner, you need to park your wanderlust and get on with being a husband to the woman you decided to marry and a father to the child you chose to bring into the world.

Oh dear!
you’ve two choices.
stay, or go.

You better tell her now. So she can decide whether to keep the child if it’s not too late.

Sadly it doesn’t sound like you’re happy about being a father either. We’ve all travelled more when we’re young and single but if you start a family you should give it up and concentrate on them.

Not much sympathy OP. You have given her a child, now you have to think of the baby which you willingly created. Everyone wants to be young, free and single but you need to grow up now and stop behaving such a victim. You CHOSE this, now make a decision to stick to it and do your best. So many men get cold feet when a baby comes along. Sounds like you have rewritten the past because I don't understand why you would go to all the effort to have a baby if you didn't love your wife. I suggest you deal with the difficult feelings you have towards becoming a father rather than blaming things on your relationship with your wife as I will bet it's much more about this. See a counsellor.

Now is not the time to bring up divorce. If things are no better in 5 years, maybe you can reconsider. But for now she needs you to support her 100%. You've pretended long enough (if you genuinely were pretending and have not just started to rewrite the past) so you can do it for a few more years. Build a good relationship with your child and look after your wife when she needs your at this vulnerable time. Is the least you can do. Later, you can think about this again and see where you're at.

That's why I feel so guilty. She deserves better. I wish I knew myself better then.

This is one of those posts that makes me shout “bloody men!” at my phone.

You married her with the expectation that she was head over heels with you, but not you with her, you don’t think she’s attractive facially and you have dragged her through a lot of fertility struggles and got her pregnant and now want to dump her so you can live your best single life. I have nothing to say apart from you sound like a massive wanker and she deserves better.

I actually didn't want the baby, she really wanted it. I just wanted to make her happy. I thought after having the baby she can move back to our home country where she will have a good support network from both sides of our families and we wouldn't need a divorce. She can visit me from time to time and I can her from to time. Then I can spend most of my life alone. I'm just not sure how practical would that be in reality.

I never claimed I'm the victim. I'm just looking for ideas how I can find a happier settings of life where she won't feel heart broken and I can also have my freedom.

She was the one getting crazy about having a baby. She was desperate for it, getting super depressed about it. I just got along with her to make her happy.

Babies are nice adorable from a distance but they are very hard work. I told her that many times.

Tell her to ltb and start afresh xx

Suck it up buttercup. You chose an arranged marriage. You need to follow through on the arrangement.

But then you wouldn’t get to raise your own child? You really do sound like an awful person.

I’m so very sad for her and yes she deserves better, you’ve shut off all her options and now feel sorry for yourself… what about her???

You have made all the decisions… so you live with that. You don’t get to opt out. Do not shame her for your own selfishness . Live the life YOU chose, accept that this is what YOU did. You want to run away and live the life of a single person. Basically shut the fuck up and put your energy into making your wife and child happy … you never know if you put your energy into the life you have you might enjoy it

You are being a victim. It's all about "I was just trying to be nice. I just 'went along with it'." Not, "I chose this and now I have a responsibility." You chose this. You could have said 'No' to the baby and maybe she would have left you. But you chose an easier life. As my mum would say, "You made your bed. Now you need to lie in it."

You have created another human being which you are now responsible for - physically and emotionally. Children are more than hard work. Babies are hard work, but children are your life's work. Own it.

Child should be raised by people who love them. My wife loves them, my entire family loves them, her entire family loves them. I'd be miserable with a child. I have never been a family man. I always wanted to be away from my own family when I was under 18. I wish I had realised this fact 5 years.

Divorcing her would kill her. I tried to give her the best life I could.

Why does life have to so difficult that you get punished to severely for one single decision you have to make rather quickly?

....you come across really poorly. Like an idiot 🙄. That's all I have. Fully expect this may be deleted for breaking rules.

Well one thing is for sure I'll indeed provide all the money required for having a good life for my wife and child. But I'm pretty sure I'll be depressed as a father. I don't like being caged. I'm more than sure I'll be caged with a child.

Haha, I actually expected the responses here. But I still thought some could advice me about finding a middle ground where my wife and I both will be happy. But none has provided that.

I know I made the mistake of marrying her. But I wish I could find a way to find a way so that both I and my wife could be happy.

Sounds like you have a plan. Suggest she goes home so she has support with the baby from her family, as it is very lonely without a support system if your husband is away working / travelling the world like a single man. Visit her and your child often and support her financially. That way she doesn’t have the shame of divorce, can delude herself that you care and isn’t left financially disadvantaged. You get the freedom you crave, you keep your reputation and she isn’t totally devastated (I think it was unrealistic for her to assume that an arrange marriage was going to end up in a love match). However you have to accept that you cannot have another relationship without committing adultery and your child will likely think you are a poor excuse for a father. It may take you another life time to realise but the meaning of life isn’t tied to how many places you visit or how much money you have, it’s the human connection you invest in — the people that miss you when you die because of the impact you had on them when you lived. To your child you have the opportunity to be everything — the barometer they measure all others and the standard they hold themselves to. Instead you would rather not engage because you aren’t that attracted to their mothers face. That’s your choice and one you will have to live with as there won’t be a second chance to raise your child.

Have you spoken to your mother? What does she say? Hopefully she will talk some sense into you. No you don't get to opt out. Talk to your wife. If she wants to stay married then you should given the circumstances. Travel if you must but don't leave her in the lurch. I would hang fire until the baby arrives though. You may find you actually enjoy being a father.

You need to get a vasectomy if you feel this way. You have been unbelievable unfair and frankly cruel to bring a child into this world when you know you shouldn't be a father. You should make sure you are not able to do this again and get a vasectomy.

As for your wife. You need to leave. Gently. Tell her and provide actual care and finances to help her. Let her find someone who loves her.

You are absolutely not the catch you think you are. If people knew this is how you have behaved I think most women wouldn't come near you with a barge pole. You need to do some serious work on yourself to understand how you can be ok with treating someone like this for so long.

I'm glad you find your behaviour 'haha' funny. Crystallising my initial thoughts on your posts so far. I hope you wife sees you leaving her, (in whatever capacity you eventually decide) as a blessing in the end.

🍿 this will end well..

I’ve been in a similar position (albeit, not fuelled by narcissistic traits). Regretting a long term relationship with dc involved. Didn’t want to hurt them. I chose to end it, it was rocky at first and I never ever could’ve imagined myself doing it. You read about it and then think there’s no way it would work out like that for me, but it did. Kind of messy at the start but it settles down.

however as an aside, you sound like you’re full of your own self importance and probably have whittled the poor woman down to nothing.