I married a very nice person thinking my love for her well grow with time. Now I don't know how to become single again.

[desolatelover]

I'm from originally from South Asia, but I've built my life in Europe. I never really found true love. Some how, my luck never favoured me in terms of romance.

At the age of 33, I decided that I'll try something different because I didn't want to be single anymore. I decided to marry from the country of my origin, through the help of my mother. She asked me to meet this girl. I felt she was a nice down-to-earth person, not high maintenance. Most importantly I felt that she was really into me. I could feel that she really liked me (many women did tell me that apparently I'm handsome). That was always very important to me, that the girl has to be head over heels about me. But I never really found her that attractive, facially. But I thought beauty fades with age and hopefully love will grow in time.

However, after 5 years of marriage, love isn't in my heart for her. In fact, first 2 years I felt great deal of affection for her but now if I could, without breaking her heart, I'd divorce her.

I've tried to give her the best possible life I could. She moved with me in Europe. We traveled many countries together. Before marriage, I had promised that her studies won't be affected. I kept that promise. I helped her getting as much educated as possible since she's been here. I always encourage her to learn skills so she can also build a career.

She also really wanted a baby. It got very complicated. We had to try a lot of medicines because of her PCOS. Now she's pregnant. But truth be said, I have been regretting marrying her just after the first 2 years of our marriage. But it's not her fault. She's a truly loving wife, always wanting to make me happy. And that's why I didn't ask for divorce because I can't break her heart. That's why I wanted to do the best I could for her. Even with the baby, I did my best to help her because she was getting really depressed, feeling she was an incomplete woman, incapable of being a mother.

But deep in my heart I don't feel love for her. In our country divorce is a devastating matter. It's like killing a woman. I feel deep regret not thinking about what a grave deed I was committing into by getting into a marriage from that country. I feel guilty of marrying her and failing to truly love her.

Now, I feel may be I just don't know how to love women the way they would like to be and I realise more and more that I'm actually happier single. Before getting married I was single and alone for 11 years, only visiting my family every few years. I guess it's just my nature to be alone, I'm a loner.

I'd like to be free and single again. I've been to nearly 40 countries. I just would like to travel and explores beauties of the world and not bother about love anymore.

But now I don't know how to get out of this marriage without breaking the heart of a person who has been so loving and kind to me. I'm totally at a loss.

So I used to love a girl. But in my home country you need to agreement of both families to marry and my mother didn't like her so I couldn't marry her. We couldn't elope because the girl wouldn't. That was really selfish of her. So I hate her and will always hate her. But I give her money because she gave me birth and raised me.

Well I try to encourage my siblings to contribute more to her, but they don't earn as much as I do.

If my wife wants to divorce so she can have other men, I'll grant her that. I have no problem. Dowry always belongs to the girl even after divorce. And I'll grant the property because she needs them for raising the child.

To be fair, divorces are common place nowadays and sounds like you will both be happier apart in the long term.
From what you have posted so far, she will have a strong support network in place and her own independence and you are ensuring you provide for mother and baby.
In the long run, I see this being a positive outcome for her.

Wow, you've been feeling like this and yet you still decided to have a child with her. Your poor wife. You sound like a real shit!

Cant you appreciate her as a friend?

If you would 'rather be alone,' do you really want to be alone or do you want the freedom to be with someone else?

Marriage isn't a fairy tale where people meet, fall in love, have hearts in their eyes instead of pupils etc.

Sometimes, it's hard work. Sometimes, you marry your best friend or companion, and that's got a lot of merit.

Whatever you decide, stop involving other lives in it. You already said you regretted marrying her and then you got her pregnant. Don't do that, again!

The soon she divorces you the better. Maybe you should show her your post, then she can really see what you are like.

You say that your mother and family will be there for the birth and then her mother will come. Was her mother being second your choice or hers?
It sounds as if you make many of the decisions. You ask for ways out of the trap you are in.
One way would be to get her what help she needs to improve her self esteem, to let her make decisions so she develops independence. She might prefer to stay in this country if you separate. You don’t get to think for another person in this way especially if you are leaving them.

He comes across as an idiot for very very good reason.

Some men have something missing. A lot of men have something missing.

Like a PP, I just want to scream, "Bloody men!" about this thread. Women are their victims in so many ways. The older I get, the more I detest men.

1. Imbecile man intentionally gets woman pregnant.

1. Decides he's not man enough to deal with the situation.

1. Blames women.

What a bell end.

You don't even want to spend time with your own child and watch him grow?
You are quite low on morals, aren't you?

I hope she does want a divorce, then finds someone else who will love, cherish and respect her properly.

Because that's not you, is it?

Divorces are quite acceptable in our western culture, not so much in other cultures. In certain patriarchal cultures a divorced woman might be seen as "failed" (after all her husband left her), "damaged goods" or a financial burden (she's a single mother). We don't know the OP's cultural background and have no clue what awaits to this woman when she goes back to her country. To make matters worse she's been a SAHM and doesn't sound trained in a professional field she can find a job when she gets back.

You were not respected and not treated as equal. You were not heard and your needs and wills weren’t respected. Probably more inequalities took place in your family too.

You should have focused on healing that and the rest of psychological trauma you got from your family during your 20s and do some self growth, not just work and sleep and travel and do some meaningless sex.

you are where you are now, at least stop saying that is your wife's fault for wanting a baby when your external actions were all screaming that you go with the flow and you do what is expected, marry, provide and active efforts to get her pregnant!

In your culture a grown man can marry anyone without the consent of his parents, so I don’t believe you needed the permission of your mother to marry the girl you wanted. That’s a lie.

He said the girl didn't want to elope and marry him without his mom's consent, so that's why it didn't happen. In this culture even adult kids rarely do something against their parents or elders. They are conditioned to be obedient forever.

Yet another "man", who is incapable of making up to his responsibilities of his wife & child

I don't see why you need to divorce your wife to live the life you want.

You have said you want to travel and be free (presumably while not working to earn money). You don't want to find another woman.
You don't feel the need to be involved in your child's life.
Fine, these are not choices most other people would make, but your life is your own.
I think it could work well with both families helping your wife, plus giving her financial security.
But you need to have an honest conversation with her, so she knows where she stands with you. Don't keep mentioning divorce to her - that is the last thing she wants given the cultural circumstances. But do explain to her that you need freedom, so will be living your own life. This will be hard on her if she is still in love with you, but given time she will likely get over you.

Two things:

Don't expect your wife to give you sex when you come to visit her and your child in between flitting about the world. That would be horribly cruel of you, and would just mess up her head. You have to let her get over you emotionally, so that means no sex with you.
(She of course should be free to have sex with other men in this arrangement).

Who will be the child's male role model? Do either of you have brothers or young uncles? Children need good men in their lives (obviously not you, you are not adequate to this role).

You are a deeply, deeply damaged person. Possibly you are neurodivergent. You are probably correct that you should not bother with relationships again.
But you have to minimise the damage you are doing to others.

Yeah have you thought about this Mr?
Girls or boys especially in your culture need some men around to guard. Will your father in law be a good and protective person?
will your brother will be a good and protective person?

Will this woman be safe and protected? Will she live in one of the properties alone- how common is this in your country, I assume not common. So will she live at her parents? I don’t think she would like to live at your mums place.

Oh and you do pass the properties in her name as soon as you back to your country before your mother or your siblings cry how you’re doing so much better or invent a disaster and you don’t need the properties and convince you to pass them to them. You do seem a bit weak and naive, I also think you’re neurodivergent or this is your nature.

all in all, you have to talk with your wife so she can protect herself and her unborn child.

You say now you don’t care after a divorce if your wife she would found another man, but oh oh it will sting you so much… it will sting you even more than that girl that you didn’t manage to have when you were younger.

still maybe is better if she’s freed up from you with the condition that shes supported and protected as well the baby.

and I don’t think you mentioned if you think your mother and your parents in law would agree with the plan bringing her back in the country with the baby and leave her there.
I think you think they would jump over the moon but after a couple of years have passed and the baby phase have passed, they will start seeing her how miserable she’s getting from loneliness, they will take her and bring her back to you and they will use all means possible to avoid a divorce to happen. Still - pass those properties to her asap, make a will, life insurance the lot, for any case.

plus I would assume a woman especially from your culture wants her mum around during pregnancy and for the first few weeks, not the mother in law. You have to discuss this with her and not just decide for her as a previous poster said.

The more I read the more I can’t believe what I am reading

you are a selfish man who knowingly married the poor woman who was in love with you when you were not. You graciously (or not) agreed to her having a baby so she can be dumped back at home with family and you can go on your merry way

You are not going to find a middle ground where you are both happy. You leave your wife will be devastated and you already say it’s a big issue for divorce back home, but it seems you are prepared for her to have to put up with that because your needs come first

How about stepping up as a man, you made your bed, you lie on it, you find a way to make yourself happy while remaining married to your wife and looking after your child, you become an engaged father with your child, and you put up with feeling depressed.

I actually feel quite sorry for you. You made a mistake but you're willing to provide for your wife and your child which is more than many men do. You're also providing for and supporting your mother and siblings. You had a very hard childhood and that's likely the source of your nihilistic take on the world.

I agree with you and believe the OP could do with some therapy. I ignore his cultural background but it has really made a number on his brain. I believe some therapy would be very helpful to this man (and to his soon to be ex and child). Running away from this mess without some introspection and analisis on his unhealthy cultural beliefs is not an option if he intends to move forward.

This is not what he wrote.

"We couldn't elope because the girl wouldn't. "
So yes, his mom didn't give permission to marry, but likewise the girl didn't want to elope without this permission.

I think you don't quite have the awareness you believe you do. And your getting more egotiscal as people are holding a mirror up.

Sounds like your life was lackluster for many years before the Marriage. You resented not marrying a girl you liked but in those years 15 or so, have failed to find meaning or purpose in any sense and you say you hadn't had a relationship before.

Sounds like you are holding on to pain from upbringing and you are depressed and lonely in general unless in some sort of fantasy and escapism.

Scared of growing old and living in a fantasy land bc of this fear.

You talk about wanting fun and freedom what do these words mean to you?
When also saying you plan to live alone for the rest of your life and identify as a loner because you don't like people???

What sort of fun are you invisioning?

It sounds like you were lonely and in panic mode in covid not just 'bored' everything came to the surface at that heighten time and you went with the best option you had.

Sounds like your wife is niave and trusting but this puts you in a 'masculine' leader role that makes you uncomfortable with how much much she relies on you because your not the man she thinks you are.

You have this wrong.
The mother wouldn't give permission.
The girl wouldn't elope.

The two are not related.

I imagine the girl wouldn't elope with the OP because she had met the OP.
She dodged a bullet.

Here's a man who doesn't like his mum, men or women, who blames everyone, got married because he was bored during Covid, quotes comic book characters, thinks Western women are adulterers and admits he has no empathy. Here he is on a 99% women forum telling people they are emotional and not using critical thinking then he talks about wanking and sex.

Why is this thread still here?