I married a very nice person thinking my love for her well grow with time. Now I don't know how to become single again.

[desolatelover]

I'm from originally from South Asia, but I've built my life in Europe. I never really found true love. Some how, my luck never favoured me in terms of romance.

At the age of 33, I decided that I'll try something different because I didn't want to be single anymore. I decided to marry from the country of my origin, through the help of my mother. She asked me to meet this girl. I felt she was a nice down-to-earth person, not high maintenance. Most importantly I felt that she was really into me. I could feel that she really liked me (many women did tell me that apparently I'm handsome). That was always very important to me, that the girl has to be head over heels about me. But I never really found her that attractive, facially. But I thought beauty fades with age and hopefully love will grow in time.

However, after 5 years of marriage, love isn't in my heart for her. In fact, first 2 years I felt great deal of affection for her but now if I could, without breaking her heart, I'd divorce her.

I've tried to give her the best possible life I could. She moved with me in Europe. We traveled many countries together. Before marriage, I had promised that her studies won't be affected. I kept that promise. I helped her getting as much educated as possible since she's been here. I always encourage her to learn skills so she can also build a career.

She also really wanted a baby. It got very complicated. We had to try a lot of medicines because of her PCOS. Now she's pregnant. But truth be said, I have been regretting marrying her just after the first 2 years of our marriage. But it's not her fault. She's a truly loving wife, always wanting to make me happy. And that's why I didn't ask for divorce because I can't break her heart. That's why I wanted to do the best I could for her. Even with the baby, I did my best to help her because she was getting really depressed, feeling she was an incomplete woman, incapable of being a mother.

But deep in my heart I don't feel love for her. In our country divorce is a devastating matter. It's like killing a woman. I feel deep regret not thinking about what a grave deed I was committing into by getting into a marriage from that country. I feel guilty of marrying her and failing to truly love her.

Now, I feel may be I just don't know how to love women the way they would like to be and I realise more and more that I'm actually happier single. Before getting married I was single and alone for 11 years, only visiting my family every few years. I guess it's just my nature to be alone, I'm a loner.

I'd like to be free and single again. I've been to nearly 40 countries. I just would like to travel and explores beauties of the world and not bother about love anymore.

But now I don't know how to get out of this marriage without breaking the heart of a person who has been so loving and kind to me. I'm totally at a loss.

You need to take responsibility for your decision to have a child @desolatelover ! Whatever your motivation for making the decision, it was a decision that you (very much) made; to the extent of fertility treatment by the sounds of it.

Many parents would love 'freedom'. You start to get it incrementally with each stage of of your child's life.

If you have the financial means (lucky you); why can you not travel with your family?

You're really in no position to be 'disappointed' by your wife and child, the cheek of you being worried about this when you are considering doing what you propose.

I don't believe that you are even worried about hurting your wife, just in the potential fallout and inconvenience to you of your wife being upset.

Speaking as an old person with many old friends I can tell you that being old is amazing. Living to a good age is a privilege that many do not get to enjoy.

Being surrounded by dear lifelong and new friends is wonderful.
Having the cushion of a treasured home, enough savings to live comfortably and the time to follow your interests and do things you enjoy.
Spending contented and special times with beloved family and watching the helterskelter of family life is such a pleasure.

With age comes wisdom and the opportunity to look back on a life well lived, well loved and knowing that you have done your best and stood by your principles whenever you had the chance.

Old age is a contentment, they are golden years if you've lived your life well and it's not over until it's over. My nan lived to be 104. She asked for Morning has broken to be sung at her funeral because she still loved the opportunity of a new sunrise ever day.

If I could impart one piece of old age wisdom to you OP it would be to think of other people before yourself. When you look back - this is what will matter.

Get some help or your old age is going to be as bitter as you are today and you will be looking back on a lifetime of unresolved angst, hurting people and snarling on the internet. You will be sad unless you sort this out and will have left a trail of hurt people in your wake.

Well OP you sound a delight 🙄

I never hated my wife. Amazing how you claim to this conclusion. She's an amazing human being. She has beautiful innocence.

But is it not true that often it's the women who make other women feel miserable? Like my wife has problems with pimple because of hormones. When she went to visit her family back home, a lot of her women relatives were commenting negatively about those pimple. Why? Why would they even bother commenting about those pimple? Is she really happy about having pimple? Why put salt on wounds?

The same was happening when she was finding it difficult to get pregnant because of her irregular periods. Many women relatives were commenting things like "without motherhood women are not worth". My wife couldn't sleep for months. I had to console her everyday. It made our lives miserable. Took away all the fun. Luckily she got pregnant just before the month of first fertility clinic meeting. I never knew women can get so toxic regarding having a baby. It's horrible. People are so horrible. Thanos was right about making them disappear.

Big deal. I did a great crime lol. But we both really enjoyed that. My wife still talks about it.

So you were having fun before she got pregnant? This sounds like a much deeper issue. It sounds like you feel very burdened and unable to cope, and lacking enough tools and self compassion to manage the situation you’re in. I really urge you to get some couples counselling with her to try to work through the issues, or at least go on your own. You need proper professional help. Do you have any friends? You both sound very isolated .

Naah, I'll never look forward to old age. I hate birthdays because of that. It just reminds you that you're getting older. A depressing fact about life. I don't wish anyone birthday unless it seems impolite and I get miffed by anyone wishing me birth day.

I wish we could be born 3 times to live until 30 than live until 90. Life is for the youth but youth is very short.

I don't need porn to wank haha. I can also wank imagining sexual fantasies. But I don't know why it matters. It's not as if I have sexual problems.

I don't need any emotional connection to have sex. I have had many sex without emotional connection, before my marriage, with women I wasn't even attracted to because they got interested in me. I mean I got my wife pregnant by actually having sex plenty of times. My wife loves having sex with me. She enjoys it but we are doing it rarely temporarily because we are afraid of hurting the baby.

Yeah blame it on patriarchy. Everything is men's fault.

Haha, I'm definitely straight. In fact, I find men's body disgusting. I love women's body. Since the age of six I used to feel great pleasure if any women showed any skin on TV. I never used to understand why I that enjoyment but now I do.

You are not worthy of any woman’s affections.

You chose a wife to feed your ego. You have lied and lied and lied to her. There’s clear reasons why you were, and should always be, alone.

Time to be honest. And leave women alone.

Film & book
Out of Africa

Seems like the better part of you ran down your mothers leg

My mother introduced me to several ladies. She wasn't particularly fancy about my wife and my wife's family didn't own that much property. I chose her because I felt she won't be a bitch to my life like my mother has been. The properties I'm talking about for my wife, are the ones built by me because I wanted her to have something if I'm not there. Part of these are also the dowry that women get as security during marriages in my country. But I built additional property for her so she can be independent when I'm not there.

I always like providing the people I care for independence. I helped my sister become a doctor financing her studies. I helped my brother study too. So, in the same I also encourage my wife to be independent too.

The only person I couldn't help become independent is my mother. Despite encouraging her a lot, she never learned anything her life. She is still just a housewife. And I've to provide for her every month, which is really annoying.

If you wanted the single life with no children, why did you get married ?

I was bored during corona and made a hasty decision, as I said, a mistake.

So your wife & child are both mistakes?

How sad

And you blame human nature like criticising, gossiping and the will to have children only to women! Where these things are human nature.

So you know fully well that in your culture ALL women see motherhood as the point and pinnacle of life, you know they all want children. You got married which will inevitably lead to having children in your culture, you even booked an appointment to visit a fertility clinic with her, yet now you claim you never wanted to have children!? But you actually went out of your way for it to happen through a series of actions, throughout a prolonged period of time!..and now you are blaming it all on her..

If you told me that you had a one night stand with some random woman and she swore she was on the pill, yet she got pregnant with your baby…I would fully sympathise with you. But not like this. Day after day, night after night you did everything possible to get this woman pregnant and now that she is, you are throwing her away along with her baby.

Why don’t you take some burden away from you and ask your doctor sister and your brother to provide for your mum?

And now some dots are connected a bit - you provide anyway for your mother so now you’re thinking “with one stone, two birds, I can send some extra money to the family for supporting my wife raise MY child”

Bitch is a strong word for a mother -using this language … can I make a wild guess and ask if the way she betrayed you (your mum) was to do with anything like her having an affair or something? Not that it matters, you talk a lot about cheating, adultery and the contrast is your wife -who has an innocence as you say. Have you ever thought that leaving her by herself she will eventually get thirsty for a man’s touch and love and she will seek out another man? Will she be a bitch then?

Secondly, will all these properties and the dowry still belong to her if you divorce her?

Because we men rarely do these, at least I don't let any men discuss them with me.

That's my point. These shouldn't be human nature. The fact that women can't curve these is one of the reasons I hate them. Like I hate men for other reasons. Don't worry I kinda hate both genders equally. That's why I socialise very little.

She will be sent back to her parents in shame - she will be blamed by the society/family as inadequate and not pleasing enough, not trying enough. Sadly, I've seen this happen with my BIL. Her parents brought her back to her husband and MIL, begging them to take her back. BIL's family were gloating. OP has nothing to lose, he will be fine... off to pastures new and unlimited sex with numerous 'promiscuous' white ladies.

“Exactly how did I emphasise my self-importance? I never rated myself. That's why I try to avoid people, because dealing with people requires lots of skills.
The fact is you women get angry when you feel men are less than 100%. My wife wanted the baby I didn't. I know I made the mistake of marrying. But I want to find a way so that both my wife and I can live a relatively happy life.”

Your posts are all about you. You are a selfish, self absorbed appalling excuse for a husband and potential father.

I don’t think you say the whole truth in this thread. Having described how easily you found sex prior to your marriage because women would come after you, I think you miss that period now. I think you’re not just going to sit alone. You might not build a relationship but you will go around having sex with women. It was easier and you preferred that way of life.
I can assume you’re relatively good looking but I can say you’re not going always to have this success, you’re only around 35, give it another 5-8 years max and then the type of woman that usually “come after you” they will be more interested for younger guys. You were in your prime if all this happened between your 20s to early 30s when you got married. Also don’t assume your performance will be always great and you might get a crash with a very pretty woman as you imagined in your head but she will not have a second and a third time with you. And then you will become really really depressed and miss your wife… oh well.

This was a transactional marriage, not that I have anything against them as long as expectations on both sides are crystal clear and everything consensual (this was not the case here). I'm a bit shocked at the naiveness of the OP. Half of marriages fail, the OP should have consider this possibility when entering the arrangement, that part failed too, then goes and has a child wirh a woman he's planning to leave thus tying himself to her for the rest of his life. Gets her pregnant then realises he doesn't want to be a husband or a father.

Seriously OP, this was all a string of bad decisions. Please properly provide for your family and stay single for the rest of your life. I'm not sure if all this mess is a product of your cultural "rules" or flawed thinking, probably both.