I married a very nice person thinking my love for her well grow with time. Now I don't know how to become single again.

[desolatelover]

I'm from originally from South Asia, but I've built my life in Europe. I never really found true love. Some how, my luck never favoured me in terms of romance.

At the age of 33, I decided that I'll try something different because I didn't want to be single anymore. I decided to marry from the country of my origin, through the help of my mother. She asked me to meet this girl. I felt she was a nice down-to-earth person, not high maintenance. Most importantly I felt that she was really into me. I could feel that she really liked me (many women did tell me that apparently I'm handsome). That was always very important to me, that the girl has to be head over heels about me. But I never really found her that attractive, facially. But I thought beauty fades with age and hopefully love will grow in time.

However, after 5 years of marriage, love isn't in my heart for her. In fact, first 2 years I felt great deal of affection for her but now if I could, without breaking her heart, I'd divorce her.

I've tried to give her the best possible life I could. She moved with me in Europe. We traveled many countries together. Before marriage, I had promised that her studies won't be affected. I kept that promise. I helped her getting as much educated as possible since she's been here. I always encourage her to learn skills so she can also build a career.

She also really wanted a baby. It got very complicated. We had to try a lot of medicines because of her PCOS. Now she's pregnant. But truth be said, I have been regretting marrying her just after the first 2 years of our marriage. But it's not her fault. She's a truly loving wife, always wanting to make me happy. And that's why I didn't ask for divorce because I can't break her heart. That's why I wanted to do the best I could for her. Even with the baby, I did my best to help her because she was getting really depressed, feeling she was an incomplete woman, incapable of being a mother.

But deep in my heart I don't feel love for her. In our country divorce is a devastating matter. It's like killing a woman. I feel deep regret not thinking about what a grave deed I was committing into by getting into a marriage from that country. I feel guilty of marrying her and failing to truly love her.

Now, I feel may be I just don't know how to love women the way they would like to be and I realise more and more that I'm actually happier single. Before getting married I was single and alone for 11 years, only visiting my family every few years. I guess it's just my nature to be alone, I'm a loner.

I'd like to be free and single again. I've been to nearly 40 countries. I just would like to travel and explores beauties of the world and not bother about love anymore.

But now I don't know how to get out of this marriage without breaking the heart of a person who has been so loving and kind to me. I'm totally at a loss.

If leaving your wife and child is your end goal anyway, what are you still doing here and arguing with everyone? Just do what you want and divorce her. If you hate people, why engage with them here and wind yourself up in the process? Get off the internet and do what you have to do. You don’t need our permission and blessing. You are just wasting your time here with us.

I gave her as much honesty as I could without risking totally destroying her soul. I tried to imply her many times that I was never in love with her and in fact, I did scream many times to her that, "marrying you was my biggest mistake. I wish a single. I don't have feelings for you", when we were having fights during many of her tantrums after she'd discover yet another period, every month after trying for the baby.

Who am I to give her agency? She's an effing Master's student at a first World country and speaks 4 languages. Why can't she have her on agency at the age of 28?

Hmm having 1 kid is bad enough, 4 is terrible. Yes, your dad did very bad things. I don't know why people stay together in horrible relationships. If they are constantly fighting, they should stay afar even if there's some love. Contributing monetarily from afar while being away is better for the peace of mind for all in those type of families.

OP , get off here, have the courage to tell her honestly and kindly how you feel. Divorce her and give her a good settlement. Hopefully she can find someone else who will love her and cherish her, and bring up your child with the love you clearly can’t give. Just do it. And stop wallowing in self pity. Then you can enjoy being alone.

You clearly live in a parallel reality. You picked up a girl because you were either lonely and thought she was going to fill that void or b) That's what people in your culture are supposed to do. You were not in love but mislead the poor girl into a relationship, you made her a baby (don't blame her because it takes two to tango). Instead you could have been honest and told her "I don't want to have babies with you because I'm planning to divorce you", instead you got into deeper problems. Apparently you're a "victim" of the whole thing now, poor little you (flash news: you're not).

You created this mess, take accountability for your part in it.

But you’re staying in a horrible relationship?

The reason it seems to me that what you are struggling with is the fact that you are fundamentally being dishonest.

The truth is there is no way for you to leave this marriage/pregnant woman and come away with your “ good person” reputation intact. If you walk away, a lot of people are just going to see you as deeply selfish/ trash/ [expletive]. That’s why you are struggling, you want to be seen as a nice boy that kept his family honour, while not actually doing that.

You have put yourself in the impossible situation that if you leave your wife she will hate you, but if you stay you are going to grow to hate each other.
Yes, this is going to take years to untangle, but whining about money is really grim.
She has kept her side of the bargain, by what you say, but it seems you don’t have the capacity, or perhaps the will to complete your side.

At the end of the day, you have some very difficult decisions to make and conversations to have. But I do know that putting them off is only going to make it worse. She is entitled to prepare for the birth or have an abortion based on the truth. All the time you are lying to her you are denying her the opportunity to do the right thing by herself, not as at the moment where she is doing the right thing by the marriage she hasn’t yet realised is already dead.

Is asking her to go back to a toxic family situation really giving her any help?
You said they picked on her and destroyed her confidence over a pimple so being divorced or left is obviously going to cause some issues.

Maybe be honest and she can seek help for her future, if she's got heads up she'd start thinking about her job and options.

FYI, you sound awful ' I hate humans' sounds like you have the emotional intelligence of a stunted 13yrold feeling edgy.

Sounds like you have limited self awareness to grasp your own actions.

The idea that bc of not being able to go to the gym you changed your whole life and got a wife and kid is truly laughable.

It reads like you panicked, felt intense loneliness and your own failures In hyper focus due to a time of 'unprecedented' social unrest. I don't think this was a causal ' yolo' type thing I think emotions you'd pushed down for a long time came up and having no emotional insight this took you off guard and agasint your previous judgement of distancing yourself from your family and cultural background, the issues you'd identified you didn't want to carry on, you went back and asked for arranged marriaged even though that ment re emeshing yourself.

The problems you describe of your mum could be in part bc she felt abandoned on some level by your dad - you feel like you've gone out of your way to make her happy but she's putting pressure on you and you feel you have to carry some weight ir burden she's putting on you and you In turn down have the ability to be all you can be because your carrying emotional and cultural weight.

But your not seeing your primed to re create the cycle, your solution is 'return ' your new family back to the cultural fold , of which you have widely criticised due to deep unhappiness you can identify it caused you. You are well aware of the ' toxic attitude s' you have moved away from but are happy to drop her and your child back in this, and if they gave her shit over a pimple, being seperated would surely be the source of some gossip.
Is this a loving family environment your child should grow up in?

Your not seeing the link between the very real issues you point out in the world, and your own actions in recreating these circumstances. Your part of the problem.

It reads like if you just discard these inconveniences, shrug it off like an experiment you can get back your a 'yolo' car advert fun times life.

Your blind spot is whatever issues where comming up over covid. Your life sounded shit before tbh. You were lonely and purposeless. Yes fun is important but you need empowerment and meaning at he same time. The fun it feels like your chasing sounds hollow and not rooted in anything. Due to emotional blindspot/ lack of empathy for wife/child.

'Now she's pregnant.'

You are not handsome but you are pretty.

Pretty stupid.

Why are people bothering to attempt engagement with this cretin? Ignore.

It's true my life is purposeless. I realised my life always will be a mediocre one. I'll never be anything breathtakingly amazing. I know I can never be super rich. I know I'm gonna never have a private jet of my own. I know I'll also never fall in love with someone breathtakingly beautiful, who will also feel the same about me. So, now the only thing I seek is enjoyment and pleasure or die. If there was an option to die painlessly, I would take it. I researched about death from carbon monoxide, but I'm not sure it's painless. So I'm stuck in this boring life

I really don't feel love for anyone. I do really wish all my relationships died, my mother, my sister, my wife. All they do is expect from me, in return I don't feel I get anything, apart from may be, cooking a meal together with my wife and eating tasty meal (I hate restaurant food, they never match my expectations). I have no idea why I care about my reputation so much. Why can't I just be a typical asshole and leave all these 3 women and never care about anyone? Why does it matter if people hate me? I don't owe them a penny, nor my livelihood depend on them.

In 2020, I really briefly thought beauty isn't everything, that I wanted some one to grow old with. But I have no idea why I thought like that back then. So, I married my wife. But that mindset wore off very quickly. But I didn't realise that I always need that "wow" factor in my life to really cherish it. That's why I never bought a car. Because if I want to feel wowed, I need a really expensive car, an investment which I don't feel is a wise one, given that I'm not mega rich.

This same wow factor I don't get that from my wife either, I think that's why I don't want to be with her. I should have realised this core factor in 2020.

My wife could hopefully stay in the same country as we are. I'm trying to prepare her for life without me. Encouraging her to learn new skills so she can get a job. I'm encouraging her brother to come to this country so she can get support from her. In this country the are good support from the government for raising kids. They should be fine. If I live with them long term, I think their life will be more miserable.

That is quite clearly incorrect. You are clearly a very disturbed and unpleasant individual.

You think you know everything about my life from a post? You don't even fucking know how to reply to a quote properly on a forum. I'll not bother replying you anymore. Enjoy your blissful ignorance.

You choose an arranged marriage you did that you choose to marry a women and get her pregnant a woman you didn’t and don’t love you men astound me !

you are completely selfish your poor wife tell her the truth now

You need psychological help.

There is nothing anyone can say to you here to help you, and I really feel for your poor wife.
Tell her the truth that you want to have a divorce, she could have a truly amazing life without you.
You on the other hand sound like you will sink very fast and be left with nothing. Seriously, get yourself some help.

And as a heads up you do sound like a typical asshole. Stringing people along and speaking about key people in your life the way you do makes you a massive asshole. There isn’t an ounce of care for anyone else in anything you have said.

You care about your reputation because all monstrous people do, it’s all they care about.

You sound unwell and as if you’ve had suicidal ideation based on your most recent posts.

I think some professional psychological help could be life changing for you, unless you’re comfortable with the idea of feeling unhappy and unfulfilled forever?

This, Op you have mental health/soul issues.

You can change your life/outlook. That's totally possible.

I've met a a lot of men who who think and act like what your describing. A few hundred maybe through work position.
It's a depression/soul rot but ego is firmly in the drivers seat. Clouding judgement.
Throwing of reality.
The wanting the best car to show off/ chasing some materialistic form of success/fun that's been sold you by marketing companies, deep loneliness
But at the same time inflated ego and superiority complex - wounds around women and expectations for super hot lovers.

It's classic.

It's very very common form patricary.

You can change stuff around but you'd need to put in emotional effort that you've probably spent a life time dismissing.
Confront your own issues.

You can leave your child and wife
But you won't find what your looking for when ignoring these deep feelings.

You could do something genuinely forfilling like start a family business with your wife?

I completely agree.

Agreed! Look, here it comes back again, looking for some attention.

She would be your ex wife, and she wouldn’t owe you that.
She would be free to make her own decisions independent of any your wants. That’s what divorce means.

Someone else has mentioned ego and your patriarchal view of women, and this reply really demonstrates that.

When are you planning on telling her and why will you not tell her at a point when she can have an abortion (of a child you don’t want by the way), and then restart her life away from you?

WHY ' In this country the are good support from the government for raising kids. '
that is YOUR responsibility !!!

I used to be very emotional, but my mother abused it. Women are never to be trusted. They are selfish and misuse people’s emotion. I have lost faith in humanity since. I’m never trust nor be forgiving to anyone.

Because I pay good taxes? My wife really wants the kids, so she’ll do the emotional labour. And because I married her, I’ll give her the money for doing what she wants. One thing I have learned from my life is that if you emotionally invest in people, there’s a great risk of being hurt. So, I don’t want to bother investing myself emotionally on a baby. She’s also going to disappoint me like the rest of my family. I’ll give money while staying afar. That’s good for everyone.