My husband is like you, talks like you, humanity is meaningless, we’re 8 billion what do we matter, he wants and dreams to go to space alone etc.
I wrote a big message about our story but hit the wrong button.
as I don’t have too much time in my hands I’m going straight to the point:
were you abused sexually as a child from an older relative ? were you raped or forced to do anything sexual?
Even touched inappropriate from your mum to put you oil on your body till you were very old or being watched naked and not respect your privacy or saw them having sex accidentally, counts as abuse too.
are you autistic or/and adhd? Learning disabilities or being exceptionally good in some subjects like physics and maths but struggling a lot with other things like writing down an email or keeping a conversation? Do you have social anxiety?
For me it’s obvious you’re already depressed and the baby coming in your life has triggered your trauma.
Childhood trauma that continues into adulthood because you still rely and need your family although you have said they even mistreated you. So there’s a split in your soul, for one you want to feel anger for them and stop being so enmeshed with them and create your own path but at the same time you feel you cannot be distant to them so you have essentially offer to them your own life, heart and soul.
what’s left? A body that wonders around the world. Eat, work, sleep, repeat.
Have you heard about narcissistic families? Maybe you grew up in a toxic and abusive family (even in subtle ways) who manipulated, used and took advantage of you or worse. But you haven’t processed all the pain.
would you consider therapy? Intensive therapy ? EDMR for trauma and also some talking therapy? Some couples therapy? And all these before the baby’s here!
PS: no one’s loves you on this earth right now more than your wife, not even your own mother or you your own self, but you will realise when it’s too late. If ever. My husband also wishes or has wished to die young. Also speaks about the pointless of getting old and stuff like this. Underachieving. Avoids responsibility and builds bad habits.
he’s a great father mostly but living with him it’s very difficult. I’m depressed myself now. I have a big battle but I carry on as his family is so toxic that if I divorce him I put my children in their mercy, they will love to be around more than they are now (I have fallen out with most of them and keep them at distance, they always hated me anyway) they would love boss my husband in the weekends about how to speak to the kids and how to raise them, how to shop do them, this and that, like his a little boy.
unlike you I’m not deluded: they don’t “love” children, they love having power over little, dependant people and boss them around because themselves are really toxic and damaged. That is my widow mother in law with an alcoholic partner and my childless, single witn a questionable sexuality (perhaps bisexual or gay who hides it) who never had a relationship, brother in law.
So if you think you’re a lost case tell her as soon as possible and she will decide what to do because maybe she doesn’t want to go back to your country to be close to a family that damaged so much a human being (you) …. I mean your family. She maybe want a better future for herself and her child.
you going to deeply, deeply regret being like this! I almost had my lucky escape (we were unmarried when I had my first baby) but I insisted I wanted a a United family and got married after the child was born. Still questioning my decision sometimes but had I gone back in my country to be a single mother under my family, that would be also tough as they are toxic too (although loving me).
It has been a bumpy road and waiting till my youngest to be 17-18 or some of them start dying. Yes I have become cynical with these cold hearted, toxic, damaging people… they really damaged my husband for life.