I married a very nice person thinking my love for her well grow with time. Now I don't know how to become single again.

[desolatelover]

I'm from originally from South Asia, but I've built my life in Europe. I never really found true love. Some how, my luck never favoured me in terms of romance.

At the age of 33, I decided that I'll try something different because I didn't want to be single anymore. I decided to marry from the country of my origin, through the help of my mother. She asked me to meet this girl. I felt she was a nice down-to-earth person, not high maintenance. Most importantly I felt that she was really into me. I could feel that she really liked me (many women did tell me that apparently I'm handsome). That was always very important to me, that the girl has to be head over heels about me. But I never really found her that attractive, facially. But I thought beauty fades with age and hopefully love will grow in time.

However, after 5 years of marriage, love isn't in my heart for her. In fact, first 2 years I felt great deal of affection for her but now if I could, without breaking her heart, I'd divorce her.

I've tried to give her the best possible life I could. She moved with me in Europe. We traveled many countries together. Before marriage, I had promised that her studies won't be affected. I kept that promise. I helped her getting as much educated as possible since she's been here. I always encourage her to learn skills so she can also build a career.

She also really wanted a baby. It got very complicated. We had to try a lot of medicines because of her PCOS. Now she's pregnant. But truth be said, I have been regretting marrying her just after the first 2 years of our marriage. But it's not her fault. She's a truly loving wife, always wanting to make me happy. And that's why I didn't ask for divorce because I can't break her heart. That's why I wanted to do the best I could for her. Even with the baby, I did my best to help her because she was getting really depressed, feeling she was an incomplete woman, incapable of being a mother.

But deep in my heart I don't feel love for her. In our country divorce is a devastating matter. It's like killing a woman. I feel deep regret not thinking about what a grave deed I was committing into by getting into a marriage from that country. I feel guilty of marrying her and failing to truly love her.

Now, I feel may be I just don't know how to love women the way they would like to be and I realise more and more that I'm actually happier single. Before getting married I was single and alone for 11 years, only visiting my family every few years. I guess it's just my nature to be alone, I'm a loner.

I'd like to be free and single again. I've been to nearly 40 countries. I just would like to travel and explores beauties of the world and not bother about love anymore.

But now I don't know how to get out of this marriage without breaking the heart of a person who has been so loving and kind to me. I'm totally at a loss.

Are you saying that you made it clear you'd never want kids before the marriage was arranged so she was able to go into the marriage with her eyes open?

Or you waited til you were married and then told her, despite being from a culture where it would be expected to have children?

It’s not emotional, it’s factual. Truth hurts though doesn’t it?

Looking for ways where both I and my wife would find a happy medium. I thought may be some other people had the same dilemma as I'm. But most of the people here are just overtly emotional without analysing the facts.

@desolatelover Apart from, that yes I'm weak. But I wouldn't call my selfish. Not wanting to be fully involved in raising a child you never fully wanted is not really selfish.

It's extremely selfish to bring a child to the world and not take care of said child, if you do that be prepared for that son/daughter to go NC with you as an adult, a choice you may regret as you get old.

Divorce her. It’ll hurt short term but she’ll get over you. Most people realise they’re better off without a loser partner quite quickly

She’ll meet someone else, despite what you think and will hopefully have an opportunity to have a happy and fulfilled life

It doesn't actually hurt lol. Why should I be hurt with someone I don't know writing some silly words about me, without knowing me at all. I came here to look for ideas for a happier solutions than the one I have planned, based on the assumption that other people might have a experienced what I'm going through.

The world 8 billion people with 8 billion minds and 8 billion lives. I don't think it's improbable that some other couples have experienced what we're experiencing.

I don't mind having no contact with my child. Let's hope that I die in my sleep so I don't get old. Life isn't worth being an old person. Let's hope I die in my sleep before I'm turn 51.

🤞🏼

You really a nasty piece of work . You're probably a huge disappointment to your family. You marry a decent woman because you feel like it. Then decide to get her pregnant. Then say you don't want the child. You should never have gotten her pregnant. The baby is also your responsibility. Grow a back bone and step up.

Sorry but you mislead and future faked her, she's completely clueless about her partners feelings and intentions because he'd rather share them with a bunch of random strangers on the internet instead of her. The real victim of this story is your wife and child, not you.

"Will provide my with all the support network".
Wtf? In order words, you'll shamefully dump a huge responsibility on other people, despite this situation being your fault. I truly hope your family tell you to fuck off.

I honestly can't believe that a grown adult can be this immature and selfish. Shame on you and your shitty behaviour, OP
You're a disgrace.

I have no idea why you’ve posted here looking for practical tips on how to be a dreadful husband and father. But the replies you’ve received are indicative of the response you’ll likely receive from your wife and family if you ditch her whilst pregnant. Which I assume is incredibly shameful for all involved in your culture.
The very least you have to do is ensure she has a good support network and the finances to raise your child without any hardship or complaints from you. We all know she’ll go back to your home country and you’ll go swanning off around the world. She’s probably better off not having to put up with you given your attitudes.
Doubt this thread will stay up for long either, although the abuse is justified in this case.

@desolateloverbecause this is Mumsnet and it feel like a boot in the fanny of womanhood to spell out the way to leave your pregnant wife.

You have had good advice. You need to encourage her to invest in the ‘village’ and have the baby at home (in your country) Do not leave her isolated and alone. Make it seamless and financially provide.

If it is possible to sum you up in 1 word, it is SPINELESS.
You created a huge pile of stinking shit and now you want the women around you to clean it up. You are a weak and feeble man who could never summon up an ounce of courage to say no to that poor woman and were unable to let her go before ruining her life. And now you’ve reached a point where you blame her for everything. “She wanted a baby, I didn’t”. “The woman can’t live without me”. “I always wanted to be alone”

You were stringing her along the whole time and now you turn it all around and blame her? I don’t even have the words..

Yep, hopefully she'll find a man who truly loves her and will be able to redo her life, from what you've wrote about her she truly deserves it.

You're afraid of responsibility - to take your own decisions and own them, even if something goes wrong. I think your whole life you probably just did what you were told by other family members. You even ordered a wife via mummy, as advised, because you couldn't find a long-term partner here. However, this time it's not a package from Amazon, but a real person (and now even 2) and there is no return option (you wish it was there).
You have to stop being a baby, and start being a man.
If you chicken out now, you might regret later, when you're older and more mature, that you've not been in your child's life.
Remember, God is there looking down on you.

So add self pity to your long list of personality defects. You need to find a good therapist and do some work on yourself.

I know two Asian men who married women they didn’t love because of cultural expectations. One
of them is now divorced and last I heard the other was not happy. Cultural expectations are a huge burden to both sexes.

It doesn't sound like you are talking about a human person, but a pet. What an unsettling read, for me.
I would love to know what your wife has to say about you. The poor woman.

Do you think you could be autistic OP? The way you write, detached, lack of empathy suggests so.
You will also benefit from therapy to look at your distrust of humans and aversion to people.
However with the main issue, your wife, the kindest thing is to be honest with her and ask her what SHE would like to do. Woukd she like to continue the pregnancy back home or return with her mother after the baby is born, or remains in Europe as a single mum.

She definitely won't alone during her pregnancy. My plan is to continue everything as it is until the baby is has had all the vaccines and then mother and child can move to home country. I hope she agrees to it. My mom and sister will visit during the baby birth. Afterwards my wife's mother will also visit to continue supporting her here. After that, when the vaccinations are completed, they can live in the home country.

I don't lack empathy. I just realised in recent years, it's just worth being empathetic. Life is better being alone for me.

Yes I lack trust in humans. That's one of the reasons I didn't pursue any relationship here. I didn't feel women here are trustworthy with so much adultery that goes on among both genders.

And are humans actually trustworthy? Look at the bad things humans are doing around the world every living moment. Humans are the worst creature, given the ability to think they have.

So how is life not being worth as old person self pity? Is life really amazing as an old person?

You just sound so negative and sorry for yourself. You sound very depressed actually. Yoy need to find a therapist and try to get to the root of your nihilistic attitude to life and other people. You have a wife who loves you and a baby on the way .Its very sad you see nothing positive in your life. Were you happy before you got married?

What I find so puzzling is that you are talking about making your wife and child effectively homeless, perpetual house-guests in multigenerational set-ups passing between extended family, without a base of her own to call home, as if this isn't a particularly big deal. Mind-boggling.This is a woman who has upped sticks and moved continents, leaving everything behind to be with you. Such a massive sacrifice, yet you whinge about her being needy and clingy. So sad for her, being resented for being and doing exactly what was expected of her.

I’m baffled that you expected this thread to go any other way. You’ve come into MUMsnet to whine about how you want to dump your wife and child thousands of miles away so you can be freeeeee. What did you think a very largely female, maybe majority mothers would say, that they would cheer you on, agree this is all cool because poor old you managed to get yourself into a marriage and pregnancy you say you don’t want? Own your decisions OP, you chose this path, you are not a victim here.

A weak man to actively try for a baby then leave to see the world.