I married a very nice person thinking my love for her well grow with time. Now I don't know how to become single again.

[desolatelover]

I'm from originally from South Asia, but I've built my life in Europe. I never really found true love. Some how, my luck never favoured me in terms of romance.

At the age of 33, I decided that I'll try something different because I didn't want to be single anymore. I decided to marry from the country of my origin, through the help of my mother. She asked me to meet this girl. I felt she was a nice down-to-earth person, not high maintenance. Most importantly I felt that she was really into me. I could feel that she really liked me (many women did tell me that apparently I'm handsome). That was always very important to me, that the girl has to be head over heels about me. But I never really found her that attractive, facially. But I thought beauty fades with age and hopefully love will grow in time.

However, after 5 years of marriage, love isn't in my heart for her. In fact, first 2 years I felt great deal of affection for her but now if I could, without breaking her heart, I'd divorce her.

I've tried to give her the best possible life I could. She moved with me in Europe. We traveled many countries together. Before marriage, I had promised that her studies won't be affected. I kept that promise. I helped her getting as much educated as possible since she's been here. I always encourage her to learn skills so she can also build a career.

She also really wanted a baby. It got very complicated. We had to try a lot of medicines because of her PCOS. Now she's pregnant. But truth be said, I have been regretting marrying her just after the first 2 years of our marriage. But it's not her fault. She's a truly loving wife, always wanting to make me happy. And that's why I didn't ask for divorce because I can't break her heart. That's why I wanted to do the best I could for her. Even with the baby, I did my best to help her because she was getting really depressed, feeling she was an incomplete woman, incapable of being a mother.

But deep in my heart I don't feel love for her. In our country divorce is a devastating matter. It's like killing a woman. I feel deep regret not thinking about what a grave deed I was committing into by getting into a marriage from that country. I feel guilty of marrying her and failing to truly love her.

Now, I feel may be I just don't know how to love women the way they would like to be and I realise more and more that I'm actually happier single. Before getting married I was single and alone for 11 years, only visiting my family every few years. I guess it's just my nature to be alone, I'm a loner.

I'd like to be free and single again. I've been to nearly 40 countries. I just would like to travel and explores beauties of the world and not bother about love anymore.

But now I don't know how to get out of this marriage without breaking the heart of a person who has been so loving and kind to me. I'm totally at a loss.

Well I don’t see why you think it’s ok to not do 50% of the work of raising your own child. It’s about right and wrong. Are you a moral person or aren’t you?? It’s not about whether or not the child may or may not be grateful 20 years down the line. That’s actually irrelevant.

Child will disappoint when they grow up. I'm sure of that. And I'm not trying to impress anyone here. I don't care for impressing any human. That's why I hate jobs and that's why I've always hated dating because men have to always impress women.

I just want a happy medium where my wife and I both are happy.

You’re an awful person. You’re full of your own self importance. You led a woman on and married her then got her pregnant (which sounded a difficult and long process). Then sound like you’ve panicked at the prospect of being a father and are making your own excuses to run away. Your safe in the knowledge that you are a man so reap no repercussions whereas she is a woman and in your culture far more vulnerable.
You’re also running away from a child you willingly created, whether she asked or not you willing went through a long and difficult process and created the baby’s life and are running from it.

What a shocking waste of space you are, that poor woman and poor child. You have done this, not your wife, who you willingly married and sounds like you knew full well she wanted children.

Why would they disappoint you? You are the disappointment, as a husband, father, son and as a man.

Why don’t you want a baby ?

Why did you get married then? If you ‘never wanted to be a father’? That doesn’t make sense. You married her knowing that you were either taking her right to become a mother, or leaving her holding the baby whilst you pissed off to do your thing? Why? Why. And why? So fucking selfish, it beggars belief.

Well if both our families are providing the support to my wife and I'm also providing financially, why is it important for me to be there?

When I will have to invest a big chunk of my life to this child, I do think it's relevant what holds for me in future.

How much do you know about my life? You grew up in the cozy western world. You don't have any idea how much hard work I did to provide for my family, even if they have proven to selfish to me too.

@desolatelover you sound emotionally robotic. Detached and cold. Is that something you recognise in yourself? Your description of your dislike for human interaction isnt… usual.

If truly you mean this, please let your wife read this thread. So she can make up her own mind and have a chance to raise her baby in an environment that is loving and nurturing.

I was bored. I wanted to a friend at the time. I had not experienced a long term relationships at the time. As I said, I didn't think it through.

And don't call me selfish. You don't know anything about me. About how much I did for my immediate family and also for my wife until now.

Many of you here have created child with men who never provided anything for the child. However, I've repeatedly said I'll provide for the child financially and will provide my with all the support network. I just want my own freedom too.

Forgive my ignorance OP but this was an arranged marriage? My impression is that arranged marriages are not about love anyway so you just get on with it.

I love my husband. He’s a real man. If we split (which we’ve come close to once or twice) I know he’d fight tooth and nail to have his boys 50% of the time. They are EVERYTHING to him, and I find that so attractive in a man.
You…. on the other hand 🤮

Agreed.

You say you don't want your wife to be heartbroken, but if she knew exactly how you feel about her, have always felt about her and how you feel about your child surely she will be heartbroken.

You have two choices.

Step up to the mark, make some personal sacrifices and throw yourself 100% into being a loving husband and father.
or
End the relationship with her and let her find happiness alone or with someone who does love her and your baby.

You have made mistakes OP and if you don't put them right you will take them with to the grave and ruin your wife and child's lives too.

You have no clue what my heritage is. But the fact that you have used this woman and now want to disgard her and your own child shows you are a looser in any culture.

I think I came to the realisation I have indeed become cold. I used to be very emotional in my younger years. But I don't tolerate being mistreated by others. So over the years I've lost trust in people and have realised that I'm actually much better off being alone.

@OchreRavenhas the best plan and it sounds as if you want this to turn out similarly to the way they have described. I do think you have been honest but have maybe buckled under the expectation of what you think a man should be. You should not have got her pregnant. You do need to be a decent father. But lots of people do it in non conformist ways. It takes a village and all that..

Not going to join the pile on as I think you know YOU are the problem but let her go with dignity and love. Support her even from afar. I wish you well.

This is what happens when you don’t follow your gut and your own path, but other people’s idea for a “normal” and “happy” life.
You were silly and ignored your true self.
Next time, just ruthlessly be yourself (without being an asshole to others)

Quite honestly sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel . Tell her you can’t go on like this. Give her the choice, divorce and the chance for her to live her life unfettered , or you live separate lives and continue to support her and your child. You’ve made a mistake. You sound weak and selfish but you haven’t misled her. Neither of you thought you were in love with one another . You told her you didn’t want a child. You should have left before she became pregnant. You need to take decisive action and act on your true feelings . Stop sitting on the fence.

I very much agree with you. In fact, for a while I had accepted that I'm happier being alone. But suddenly I thought I wanted to try being married. I had not realise the grave mistake I was making. If divorce wasn't big deal to my wife, I'd have got on with it. But I love her innocence. Her innocence is the most beautiful thing about her. And I don't want to break her heart by this divorce. I wish I just died instead of going through this future.

She's pregnant with her first baby so now it's the worst time to drop the bomb on her, she needs you really badly right now. I'm afraid you're going to have to play dotting father and husband till the baby is one year old while you put your ducks in a row and talk to a lawyer. You'll have to sit with her and have a honest conversation. Be prepared to pay child support till child is 18. It's going to be tough for all but make their life easy and comfortable as possible and try to make it up for messing up so badly. Maybe she wants to go back to her country and grow the baby sorrounded by family. Look at your childs best interests, be a present father. Yes it will be messy.

I agree with most part of it. But I do know my wife really loves me. The woman finds it so difficult to live without me. She is so damn clingy that she can't sleep if I'm not with her on the bed.

Apart from, that yes I'm weak. But I wouldn't call my selfish. Not wanting to be fully involved in raising a child you never fully wanted is not really selfish.

What are you trying to get from this thread OP?
Get off the net and talk to your wife.

You ejaculated in a woman and conceived?????????? That's why?????? wtf, you sound like every spoiled mummy's boy diaspora ever, you wanted a wife so you requested one and mummy gave you one, and now you're crying it's the wrong one and she's not good enough because you put 0 work into actually getting one and just ordered one via mummy. Nobody you wanted wanted you or you wouldn't have had to order a wife. Imagine being your future son or daughter and having a father with your attitude, it's not about you and you should get over being spoiled and accept now you've made a child you have to be there for it and actually be a man, you sound like such a baby in all of your posts.

How did I use her? Using a woman happens in ONS where the man forgets about the woman. Here I did everything I could to provide her the best possible life.

Don't get to emotional, okay? Try to have some critical logical thinking.