Handhold please - feeling sick

[handholdplease9]

New username but long-term poster. I feel so sick and Ill probably ramble and not make sense but here it goes.
I just got married 3 weeks ago to who I thought was the man of my dreams but I just found out that he is on a BDSM website posting photos of him chained up and the most graphic photos of himself. He has been having conversations with guys/girls about what they'd do to each other sexually and how he is into pain.
This is coming from the guy who has a hard time getting an erection (now thinking it must be me), only wanting sex a couple of times a week and even then it's missionary. I don't think he's met these people, but really how much do I know?
I have a 12 y/o DD who absolutely adores the ground he walks on, she hasn't known him all her life as he was a close family friend.
What do I do? I know what I'd be advising if this was the other way around but honestly he's the absolute love of my life and I'm completely broken.
Please be kind, iv been throwing up most of the afternoon.

Thank you

I have no helpful advice or experience but commenting to send hugs and hopefully bump this post x

Seperate, to stay together will be unfulfilled and ultimately absolute misery.

Or practice sex the way he likes it . . .

Does he know you know?

I'm so sorry. What a shock. I think I'd feel sick too. What should you do? Only you know. He's emotionally cheating at best, you're repulsed by the BDSM... it sounds like it's over, but it might take you a while to come to terms with this.

How awful for you op.

I mean, it's arguably cheating first and foremost.
And he's into men if you didn't know that.

And I suspect the reason he can't get erections is because he's hooked on this extremist stuff so normal doesn't work for him anymore.

I'm sorry but it seems he's perhaps been using you and your daughter as a beard. Maybe that's worst case scenario.

But best case scenario he thought it was acceptable to keep this massive secret from you and dupe you into marriage.

I'm not really sure there is any coming back from that tbh.

Just to say I'm so sorry - and it is NEVER your fault.

Yeah he knows. I got all the screenshots and I sent one to him. He's lying of course. Said it was from years ago when he was in a bad place mentally and hasn't been on since. His photos/videos were uploaded in 2012 however he has been active since and all his messages has been every 3-6 months and talking in the same dirty way.

Sexual kinks aside that’s one hell of a secret he’s kept before marriage and for that reason alone I’d be done.

He’s not the love of your life as he’s not the man you thought he was.

I can’t really see a way past this.

Sorry - he’s put you in a horrible situation.

Ok - practicalities. Presumably you live together? Who owns / rents? Can you ask him to leave?

Thank you, you're completely right

Yeah we live together, but it's my house. I bought it and I'm the only one on the deeds/mortgage. Iv asked him and he said no, he's not breaking up our family for something he did years ago.

Why do they never even have the decency to just come clean? Instead of gaslighting and insulting the victims intelligence.

He's a sub par human being. And now you should know his erectile issues are from him being a deviant, not in any way a you issue.

Its not up to him. Its your house. He's been active on the site loads so its not something from years ago.
Don't let him gaslight you

Umm, the fuck say does he get?
What do you mean you've asked him?
Tell him to get the fuck out of your house before you call the police. That you aren't his family. Family doesn't do yo eachother what he's done to you.

'Im not asking you to leave Jim. I'm telling you to. You already broke up the family. I don't want you anywhere near me or my daughter. Pack a bag and fuck off before I call the police'.

Do you want him out right now? Do you feel safe?

Hopefully he doesn’t have a claim against your house now you are married. You need to see a lawyer pronto.

Not likely at just 3 weeks in.

This is outing as hell but so what. I work for the Police and he knows I wouldn't call them as it would create a scene/gossip at work, but I know he needs to get out. I can't even look at him without wanting to puke. I'm just away to take my DD to the park, I need fresh air.

Depending how much you share with colleagues, presumably people will know soon that your marriage has ended. So what?

Tell him you'll tell his family what he's been up to if he doesn't leave.

As for the gossip, so what?

I mean it doesn't make you look bad. Only him. So who cares about gossip.

Calling the police is a bit extreme. He hasn’t committed any kind of crime here. Yes, it’s a bit gross and I wouldn’t like it but I don’t think she needs to turf him out today and call the police.

Enjoy the park and some time with your DD.

If he refuses to leave.

Of course you could argue they'll say it's a civil matter. But the aim is to shock him into getting out.

Can you get the marriage annulled? (Assuming that's what you want. It's such a short time. )
What do you actually want the outcome to be?
Often people are much more extreme in fantasy than in what they'd ever want to actually do in real life, including same sex stuff in the bdsm space. But it's a fetish that's definitely not going to go away just because you can't stand it, or any other partner.