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Original poster

Handhold please - feeling sick

286 replies

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 16:30

New username but long-term poster. I feel so sick and Ill probably ramble and not make sense but here it goes.
I just got married 3 weeks ago to who I thought was the man of my dreams but I just found out that he is on a BDSM website posting photos of him chained up and the most graphic photos of himself. He has been having conversations with guys/girls about what they'd do to each other sexually and how he is into pain.
This is coming from the guy who has a hard time getting an erection (now thinking it must be me), only wanting sex a couple of times a week and even then it's missionary. I don't think he's met these people, but really how much do I know?
I have a 12 y/o DD who absolutely adores the ground he walks on, she hasn't known him all her life as he was a close family friend.
What do I do? I know what I'd be advising if this was the other way around but honestly he's the absolute love of my life and I'm completely broken.
Please be kind, iv been throwing up most of the afternoon.

Thank you

OP posts:
Lennon80 · 09/08/2025 19:08

The marriage is a sham - you didn’t know who and what he was. Get him out asap and get legal advice asap. He’s filthy and you would never want to have sex with him again. Move quickly, before he tries to gaslight you. This one has long term misery written all over it otherwise.

GreenCandleWax · 09/08/2025 19:09

He may have a claim on your house when (not if) you divorce. Please see a lawyer asap because at this early stage you could possibly get an anulment if you can claim the marriage has not been consummated. You need proper legal advice, but do get him to leave. Don't keep him under your roof. You can tell him to leave. So sorry OP.💗

Original poster
handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 19:10

shuggles · 09/08/2025 19:05

@handholdplease9 He wasn't the man of my dreams as it's all been a lie. If I had known now what he was into kinks wise, they'd be no relationship, let alone a marriage.

I don't understand. Isn't he just into BDSM and pain?

On the video he is standing naked in the shower hitting himself with a paddle covered in pins and there is blood running off him everywhere. That isn't something I'm into at all.

OP posts:
tothelefttotheleft · 09/08/2025 19:13

cupfinalchaos · 09/08/2025 17:42

Get him out before he DOES have a claim on your house.

This is what I'm thinking. He's refusing to leave for financial reasons.

Lennon80 · 09/08/2025 19:13

Just read about the video - not right in the head that! Get him out asap!

kittensinthekitchen · 09/08/2025 19:14

OhHellolittleone · 09/08/2025 19:06

So I just looked it up, it is illegal. It is illegal to access emails without permission even if you know the password. In legal terms this is hacking. Computer misuse act 1990. You learn something new every day!

Show quote history

1990? Wow, am sure the last time I looked into that it wasn't classed as illegal. They've had that locked down tight since before mainstream internet!

Thanks for making me aware of that. Every day is a school day!

leli · 09/08/2025 19:16

Sorry OP. I really feel for you. And I agree, there's no coming back from this. Your husband has deceived you.

Please take every step you can to separate from this man as soon as possible. You are brave to see the truth and to not be blindsided by his lies.

I hope you have support in real life.

Nestingbirds · 09/08/2025 19:16

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 19:01

I have spoken very briefly to a civil lawyer friend from work and we're having a telephone appointment on Monday to go through if this qualifies as an annulment/matters on the house etc.
I know within my heart I just can't forgive this. He wasn't the man of my dreams as it's all been a lie. If I had known now what he was into kinks wise, they'd be no relationship, let alone a marriage. I feel like I've been tricked into this plus he absolutely gives me the ick now. The thought of being intimate with him makes me physically gag.

I am so sorry op.
You have been duped by a competent fraudster. Thank goodness you found our now.

Apply today for the annulment. The faster you are the greater chance of success. You can get further legal advice. As I assume you did not sign up for this willingly.

I am so sorry but honestly you just need to save yourself and your house for now. Focus on the rest later

www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage/apply-for-an-annulment

HP304 · 09/08/2025 19:18

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 19:01

I have spoken very briefly to a civil lawyer friend from work and we're having a telephone appointment on Monday to go through if this qualifies as an annulment/matters on the house etc.
I know within my heart I just can't forgive this. He wasn't the man of my dreams as it's all been a lie. If I had known now what he was into kinks wise, they'd be no relationship, let alone a marriage. I feel like I've been tricked into this plus he absolutely gives me the ick now. The thought of being intimate with him makes me physically gag.

I know within my heart I just can't forgive this.
It sounds like his behaviour has massively crossed a line for you, and you’re confident about how to move forward. Having a chat with your civil lawyer friend is an excellent next step.

The fact that he’d hidden this for so long is bad enough, but the poor attempt at lying after you found out and presented him with evidence is additionally insulting.
Hope you’re doing okay OP, this must have been a horrible shock Flowers

TheOGBethDuttton · 09/08/2025 19:18

ToughLoveLDN · 09/08/2025 19:07

I mean it’s not great because he’s been cheating.

but if this is how you’re reacting to him being bi and into kink then no wonder he didn’t tell you. You’re in the police, so you should know that people aren’t all vanilla. Get a grip.

A pretty intense kink. And her career as well as the things she has seen during her working hours have zero bearing on the boundnaries and preferencws in her personal life. Get a clue.

prelovedusername · 09/08/2025 19:19

shuggles · 09/08/2025 19:03

Wondering if I read a different thread to anyone else...

@handholdplease9 I just found out that he is on a BDSM website posting photos of him chained up and the most graphic photos of himself. He has been having conversations with guys/girls about what they'd do to each other sexually and how he is into pain.

While this isn't great, please bear in mind that this is really just online chat. The chances he has actually met someone off this website is extremely low; especially if it's fetlife, which is specifically not a dating website.

This is coming from the guy who has a hard time getting an erection (now thinking it must be me), only wanting sex a couple of times a week and even then it's missionary.

He's probably afraid of how you might react if you found out he is into BDSM.

So he should be. This should never have been kept from her.

rockstuckhardplace · 09/08/2025 19:20

I've just read the gov.uk annulment link above and OPs marriage may not qualify despite the short timeframe. Hopefully she will get this clarified with her lawyer on Monday.

Lemonadeat8 · 09/08/2025 19:21

The sex problems are always a red flag. I’m sorry OP but I think it’s gone beyond taking to those people. That in itself would end the relationship for me.

wimonnzy · 09/08/2025 19:22

I'm not saying he would do anything as criminally serious as this, but look up Graham Dwyer/Elaine O'Hara. They were both into BDSM, and the woman was suffering in other ways from mental ill health. He was a successful architect, married with a young family, leading the perfect double life. The worst can happen, although I know BDSM fetishism is not always dangerous to this extent. Just be aware and I am sure you are.

Betheadore · 09/08/2025 19:23

Your marriage is ‘voidable’ if
You can annul a marriage for a number of reasons, such as:

  • it was not consummated - you have not had sexual intercourse with the person you married since the wedding (does not apply for same sex couples)
  • you did not properly consent to the marriage - for example you were forced into it
  • the other person had a sexually transmitted disease (STD) when you got married
  • your spouse was pregnant by someone else when you got married
  • one spouse is in the process of transitioning to a different gender

I'd say op did not properly consent to the marriage. The lawyer will know.

Elle771 · 09/08/2025 19:25

Grim for you I'm so sorry... pls don't let embarrassment due to job stop you taking action though, colleagues are often surprisingly supportive in times like this!

AlertCat · 09/08/2025 19:26

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 16:45

Yeah we live together, but it's my house. I bought it and I'm the only one on the deeds/mortgage. Iv asked him and he said no, he's not breaking up our family for something he did years ago.

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Surely he can’t decide that?

It looks like he’s being a knob but is he doing anything at all that shows remorse, @handholdplease9 ? Real remorse, not just sorry he was caught or crocodile tears or bullying like ‘oh you’re breaking up the family for something so insignificant’.

MummyJ36 · 09/08/2025 19:29

OP im so sorry. The extra detail about the video of him in the shower is very shocking and I’m sure incredibly upsetting. It sounds like you want him to leave and he absolutely has no right to refuse this if you own the house. At the very least you need space from him. I’m so sorry.

SamPM · 09/08/2025 19:30

You know what you need to do. It may seem tough right now but it's the best thing long term. He hasn't been honest with you and your sex life sounds grim anyway so not sure how he could be your dream man unless that aspect is not important to you. Separate asap.

BySassyGreenPanda · 09/08/2025 19:32

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 16:45

Yeah we live together, but it's my house. I bought it and I'm the only one on the deeds/mortgage. Iv asked him and he said no, he's not breaking up our family for something he did years ago.

Show quote history

You don't need his permission x

Littlelou52 · 09/08/2025 19:32

I'm sorry this has happened men can be liars and gaslight im also going through a breakup with an alcoholic paramedic it's good let it out stay safe and theirs always people going thru the same

Rosscameasdoody · 09/08/2025 19:33

slightlydistrac · 09/08/2025 18:50

I hate to break this to you, but now you're married it isn't just your house any more.

Show quote history

She’s only been married three weeks and it looks as though she may have a case for not giving proper consent, given that he kept all of this from her. And what you’re entitled to depends on how long you were married. If OP is using her house as the marital home, then she needs to act fast. Three weeks won’t give him much if anything, but the longer this goes on, he’ll have a claim.

Nestingbirds · 09/08/2025 19:35

A well timed STI….

wimonnzy · 09/08/2025 19:36

I think the length of time the relationship existed prior to marriage is a factor in asset distribution on divorce. Someone legal might know more.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/08/2025 19:37

BySassyGreenPanda · 09/08/2025 19:32

You don't need his permission x

Show quote history

Yes, she does. Even if OP owns the marital home outright she can’t automatically force him to leave, even if he’s not named on the title deeds. They both have ‘home rights’ as a married couple, meaning he has the right to live in the property. OP will likely need a court order, such as an occupation order or a divorce order. The sooner the better to minimise any claim he has on the property.

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