Handhold please - feeling sick

[handholdplease9]

New username but long-term poster. I feel so sick and Ill probably ramble and not make sense but here it goes.
I just got married 3 weeks ago to who I thought was the man of my dreams but I just found out that he is on a BDSM website posting photos of him chained up and the most graphic photos of himself. He has been having conversations with guys/girls about what they'd do to each other sexually and how he is into pain.
This is coming from the guy who has a hard time getting an erection (now thinking it must be me), only wanting sex a couple of times a week and even then it's missionary. I don't think he's met these people, but really how much do I know?
I have a 12 y/o DD who absolutely adores the ground he walks on, she hasn't known him all her life as he was a close family friend.
What do I do? I know what I'd be advising if this was the other way around but honestly he's the absolute love of my life and I'm completely broken.
Please be kind, iv been throwing up most of the afternoon.

Thank you

That’s not his decision to make. He has absolutely no right to stay in your home if you ask him to leave. If he refuses, you can call the police.

OK, but what would a solicitor do/say? Can he make him leave and you keep your house, or would he be entitled to half. You NEED to find out

As others have said, not his call to make. He has already damaged your marraige, he does not get to decide how you react to it.

He's saying it wasn't him. That there is no messages and when I showed him the ones I screenshotted he said someone else must of logged on to his account and sent them. He thinks I'm a bloody idiot.

This happened to a friend of mine, she’d just given birth.
he has likely put your health at risk and he’s not even owning it now.
my friend over the coming months found out exactly what her ex was like.
honestly I would kick him and get a divorce

I'd argue grounds for annulment too.

But if you were to let this slide and more similar stuff came up in future and you wanted out, it'll arguably be grounds for his lawyer to say you knew about his nature and were cool with it. Which may impact what he gets in a divorce, say, a few years down the line.

So I wouldn't sit on this.
You could tell him you need time to think and he has to leave for a few days, then change the locks and post his stuff to his mum recorded delivery. Then text him (so you have written evidence) that it is over and he is not to come anywhere near you or your daughter or you'll contact the police. That way if he harasses you you have proof he was told it was over.

So sorry.

We just came home from honeymoon in Mexico, still in our love bubble and he had a 4 day work convention (not really work related - just an excuse to get drunk) he didn't have to go and it was the day after we got back and he went, which I thought was odd and I just had a bad feeling. Iv never ever checked his phone before, he doesn't have a lock on it and everything seemed normal. The type of website it was they don't send you emails, it's very secretive but I found a search in his Google history on one of the days he was away and it went from there. I was able to reset his password and get into his account.

Oh, the adult version of 'a big boy did it and ran away'. What a lying twat he is.

The old 'my account was hacked' shpeel xD

Why would they do that? Unless he was a verified shagger and they wanted to use his excellent credentials. Dirty bastard takes over extra dirty bastards account. Hardly makes it better does it lol.

“Darling I’ve been hacked!!”

Wow, he really does think you’re gullible.

Oh dear. This just gets worse.

Go to your GP and get an sti check as a matter of urgency. I think you can guarantee it's not just been talking.

Don’t wait around op
look into an annulment asap
the longer you are married the more chance he has of claiming your assets
god knows what else you might find out down the line if you don’t bin him off now and by then it could cause considerably more damage

you hacked into his account? And you’re a police officer…? I mean I’d definitely do the same, but isn’t that illegal? I’d be careful telling him you did that and it wasn’t just logged in.

I don’t think there’s a good answer for you here. Maybe couples counselling to work through the lies if you decide you want to try to work something out.

He's saying its mental health related. That the video of him injurying himself in 2012 on the site was a form of self inflicted abuse. That it wasn't sexual and it was due to depression at that time cause his best friend and grandad died.
My head is burst.

This totally.

I know it wasn't one of my finer moments but I didn't use any of our systems or at work. It would be more frowned upon and hopefully won't be brought up. He didn't even ask how I got into it.

Even if it had been some period of insanity he went through at the time, would you not on reflection after you’d come to your senses make damned sure any trace of it had been deleted. He is so full of shit . Someone hacked his account my arse .

It doesn't really matter what he says or what his excuses are. You've just discovered that you don't really know this man at all. If you want him out, then he should leave.
If he won't go, call the police. I'd rather be embarrassed a bit at work than allow him to get away with it.

I’d get mega ‘ick’ and never see him the same way again after seeing such photos

Could you get an annulment? Not sure of the technicalities! (Sorry I have had a stroke and can't spell.)

Op, I say this gently but I think you know what he’s been doing while he was away after your honeymoon. That’s what led you to look into it? He’s being unfaithful to you and I don’t think you will be happy putting up with this. For your own sake , and that of your daughters, you need to get rid of him and divorce him immediately or even look into annulment as he has lied to you completely. If you end this right now, you should be able to save your pension and house.

This is obviously a nightmare scenario. However you can’t have this person who hides their sex life from you as your husband and your child’s stepfather. It will end in disaster. Your body is telling you forcefully what you should do (get him out) - do it and feel no shame. He lied and that’s on him.

As you’ve been married for such a short time, I think you may be able to get the marriage annulled, but don’t quote me on that. Look into it asap

I am so, so sorry. Rationally OP - he has definitely been visiting these websites and it sounds like even during your honeymoon. You cannot keep him - you’ll have the ick forever.

Therefore since he is lying about who is visiting these websites now, he is almost certainly lying about his reasons for getting involved in this scene in the first place.

And yes it is sexual. If you feel a need to self-harm you just do that, you don’t research dodgy porn websites and share photos.

I had a bf who had a similar (not identical) fetish and I couldn’t deal with it at all. The idea that he was fantasising about hurting women and being hurt, was such an enormous turn off for me and made me feel sick and furious looking at him (he had been pressuring me to try more and more in the bedroom so I could see it was headed someplace I’d hate). I didn’t see it coming at all - he was sweet, clever and fun most of the time. I never told a single person - I ran from my life with him, ghosted all our friends, and never looked back.

I did feel shame - that I had somehow not noticed the man I loved had this unlikeable difficult side to him. That people would judge me or laugh at me if it was public knowledge and make assumptions about what “weird stuff” I liked in the bedroom. Even worse, I wondered if I was so boring in bed that he’d been driven to look for extra stimulation. Older and wiser, I realise we weren’t suited and I needn’t have agonised.

You also are not suited for this man - he has hidden an important part of his personality and you don’t have to like it or put up with him. It’s that simple.