Handhold please - feeling sick

[handholdplease9]

New username but long-term poster. I feel so sick and Ill probably ramble and not make sense but here it goes.
I just got married 3 weeks ago to who I thought was the man of my dreams but I just found out that he is on a BDSM website posting photos of him chained up and the most graphic photos of himself. He has been having conversations with guys/girls about what they'd do to each other sexually and how he is into pain.
This is coming from the guy who has a hard time getting an erection (now thinking it must be me), only wanting sex a couple of times a week and even then it's missionary. I don't think he's met these people, but really how much do I know?
I have a 12 y/o DD who absolutely adores the ground he walks on, she hasn't known him all her life as he was a close family friend.
What do I do? I know what I'd be advising if this was the other way around but honestly he's the absolute love of my life and I'm completely broken.
Please be kind, iv been throwing up most of the afternoon.

Thank you

If OP owns the house and he doesn’t appear on the title deeds, any claim would only exist from the date they were married, unless her DH was able to claim a beneficial interest in the property by proving he contributed financially to its purchase or upkeep and there was a shared understanding that he would have a stake in it.

If this is how the OP reacts to him being kinky or bi, then yes that’s probably why he didn’t tell her. But you seem to think that portrays the OP in a bad light?! I see it completely differently! If he knew that those facts would be a dealbreaker for OP, then he was deceitful, wasn’t he?

Please don’t attempt to shame people for their sexual preferences. I would also find BDSM and kink to be a dealbreaker.

She can’t just throw him out, they’re married and he has ‘home rights’ to live in the marital home. She’ll likely need a court order to get him out.

He definitely does not want this marriage to end, you are his pension. I would end this without a backward glance op. He has played you - but you can fix this.

To work I would simply say you have had second thoughts and have annulled. I wouldn’t get into the detail. Just say in a matter of fact way it didn’t work out and it’s a shame but that’s life. End of. Move the subject on.

Get some counselling and support.

No. They’re married. He has a right to live in the marital home. She needs a court order.

Dear OP, you must be absolutely dizzy with shock, pain and deeply hurting for the future you thought you had with this deviant .. I’m so feel for you.. first and foremost you are a mother with a child to keep safe, housed, fed etc. I would be seeking support from trusted sources, your own family and friends. Do not defend the indefensible, he went through with the marriage under false pretences… what you have discovered is just the tip of an iceberg he most desperately wants to keep secret.. he’s toxic and you and your child deserve much better.

It will qualify if he didn’t manage an erection. In fact I am pretty sure op said he couldn’t manage conventional sex. So the marriage is void.

I don’t think OP has grounds to have the marriage annulled unless she can use the fact that he didn’t disclose this before they married to demonstrate that she wasn’t able to fully consent.

It would also be the case if he couldn’t manage sex, or if she had an STI.

Ah, I meant you don't need permission to end the relationship. He said he's not breaking up the 'family'. Apologies, I should have clarified that.

OP didn’t say he couldn’t manage an erection, she said he had a hard time achieving it. She also said he only wants sex twice a week in the missionary position, so I don’t think that will fly.

Any one of those things could be very useful. Three weeks post wedding - her chances are actually good. Three years, not so much.

Completely agree. And the sooner the better before he can lay any claim to OP’s property.

Yep. She needs to act fast, but I don’t think she should waste time looking for an annulment - divorce seems the way to go, and possibly a court order to move him out of the property. Not sure, but she could possibly use the fact that he’s a risk to her young DD if he stays.

I think op’s case is very good. She could go into graphic detail about his erectile issues and her discovery of his sexual preferences (ie men) and this was only discovered a few weeks after her pushed her into marriage, there is also the issue of dishonesty. I think she will have a bloody good case. I say that as someone that works for the judiciary.

Why are you invested Ross?

Do NOT go for divorce op.

He will take half your house.

So much poor advice ROSS.

This. Trying to tell her that her reaction is wrong is fucking poor.

Not invested at all, just interested. I just can’t see how it’s a straightforward case for annulment on the grounds of non consummation if they’ve had sex since the marriage, which OP confirms as twice a week. Surely she’d be better going for being unable to fully consent to the marriage if he didn’t disclose any of this beforehand. It’s a pretty huge discovery to make after the fact.

Did he really go to the work thing after the honeymoon? Sounds like he was rushing to get back to his real sex kinks.

Also drinking at said work convention? Another red flag.

You don't get half someones house after a 3 week marriage. Most likely assets will be split as they were when you got married.

Unless he's been paying some of the household bills for a while or for say, a new kitchen, he's not got a leg to stand on.

Just make sure you've none of your money in a joint account op incase he clears it out before leaving.

That poster is a man who is very fond of scolding women and lecturing us how we should just tolerate men’s behaviour and shut up like dutiful handmaidens.

How is it poor ? They’ve been married three weeks and he’s not on the deeds or the mortgage, so it’s crucial for him to be able to prove a financial interest in the property via contribution to the purchase or upkeep - and that they had agreed to treat the property as jointly owned. I agree the starting point is 50/50 but there’s a lot more to consider here.

The fact your husband has kept his BDSM lifestyle secret from you, and has probably been visiting establishments that specialise in it, when supposedly 'working away' is a betrayal in itself. There's a difference between a kink and fetish - a kink is something you like but don't necessarily need to enjoy sex. A fetish is something that needs to be present, in order for the person to enjoy sex. Your husband has a fetish, in my opinion, hence why he's struggles to maintain an erection. If you stay with him, this fetish won't go away, it's something he craves and needs. Hence why he disappears off, to supposedly work related trips away. Seek legal advice. You may be able to have the marriage dissolved. He's not been honest with you from the start of your relationship, and even now is continuing to lie. You work in the police, and I'm sure you've heard more lies from suspects, than most of us have had hot dinners, so for him to attempt to lie is an insult. I couldn't stay with someone who has hidden part of their life from me.

OP, ignore the posters who are acting like you could possibly accept his kinks. No amount of 'vanilla' BDSM would be okay for me, or for most women.

I'm so sorry, truly sorry. Kick him out ASAP and I would bet that in under a year, you'll be so relieved and grateful and no longer heartbroken. Far better to be alone and happy than stuck with a lying liar who self-harms for kicks.

You are his attempt at a normal life. I mean no judgement on BDSM individuals it’s just his secrecy and seediness that gives off Hannibal Lector vibes!