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Original poster

Handhold please - feeling sick

286 replies

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 16:30

New username but long-term poster. I feel so sick and Ill probably ramble and not make sense but here it goes.
I just got married 3 weeks ago to who I thought was the man of my dreams but I just found out that he is on a BDSM website posting photos of him chained up and the most graphic photos of himself. He has been having conversations with guys/girls about what they'd do to each other sexually and how he is into pain.
This is coming from the guy who has a hard time getting an erection (now thinking it must be me), only wanting sex a couple of times a week and even then it's missionary. I don't think he's met these people, but really how much do I know?
I have a 12 y/o DD who absolutely adores the ground he walks on, she hasn't known him all her life as he was a close family friend.
What do I do? I know what I'd be advising if this was the other way around but honestly he's the absolute love of my life and I'm completely broken.
Please be kind, iv been throwing up most of the afternoon.

Thank you

OP posts:
hattie43 · 09/08/2025 17:08

What an awful situation OP . I think it would be the end for me . If he had come clean and admitted what’s going on you can decide if it’s for you . As it is he’s lied so lies will be his default for any future situations. I wouldn’t be concerned in telling your line manager just so the support is there if needed . Then I would be off to see a divorce solicitor .

tinyspiny · 09/08/2025 17:12

@handholdplease9 would what he’s been up to possibly affect any security clearance that you need ? I think the only answer if he won’t leave is to speak to a solicitor ASAP .

ginasevern · 09/08/2025 17:13

Where does the OP stand with the house now she's married him. Does he have a claim even though his name isn't on the deeds?

By the way OP, he isn't the love of your life because he isn't who you thought he was. You were in love with an illusion - a lie.

rockstuckhardplace · 09/08/2025 17:16

ginasevern · 09/08/2025 17:13

Where does the OP stand with the house now she's married him. Does he have a claim even though his name isn't on the deeds?

By the way OP, he isn't the love of your life because he isn't who you thought he was. You were in love with an illusion - a lie.

Edited

Not after a three-week marriage

BondAway25 · 09/08/2025 17:17

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 16:45

Yeah we live together, but it's my house. I bought it and I'm the only one on the deeds/mortgage. Iv asked him and he said no, he's not breaking up our family for something he did years ago.

Show quote history

((HUG)))

such a shock for you xx

tell him it's your house & you're telling him to leave, it's not his choice.

if he won't leave voluntarily DO involve the police. Yes it'll be uncomfortable/cause gossip, but it'll soon be tomorrow's fusn 'n chip wrapper!!

I'm really sorry xx

Wishihadanalgorithm · 09/08/2025 17:17

I’d be going to see a solicitor asap. I wonder if you’d be able to have the marriage annulled rather than having a divorce as he’s clearly kept secrets from you that, had you known before, would not have married him.

You can’t stay with him so better to get the ball rolling right now.

I’m sorry that he has deceived you so much.

ginasevern · 09/08/2025 17:17

rockstuckhardplace · 09/08/2025 17:16

Not after a three-week marriage

Show quote history

I know it was a pretty naive question but the law has changed so much since I got divorced years ago.

cheezncrackers · 09/08/2025 17:17

I would tell him that he has until 6pm tomorrow to leave.

Zuve · 09/08/2025 17:20

Well, it takes two for a marriage and one for a divorce. I personally would get out now. Do it quickly, ur will only get worse

WearyAuldWumman · 09/08/2025 17:29

Wishihadanalgorithm · 09/08/2025 17:17

I’d be going to see a solicitor asap. I wonder if you’d be able to have the marriage annulled rather than having a divorce as he’s clearly kept secrets from you that, had you known before, would not have married him.

You can’t stay with him so better to get the ball rolling right now.

I’m sorry that he has deceived you so much.

I agree. The OP needs to see a solicitor pronto.

I really wouldn't be comfortable having him in the same house as a daughter of mine. [At this point, Reddit would be berating me for "kink shaming".]

The man hid who he was. He's lying that this stopped a while back. He's not safe around you or your daughter OP.

Tedwardy · 09/08/2025 17:30

So how does he explain away the recent messages?? (I’d just want to be 100% sure they’re recent and he’s lying.)

Notmyreality · 09/08/2025 17:31

So how did you find this out exactly?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 09/08/2025 17:31

@handholdplease9 just change the locks. if you can get him out tonight all well and good. three weeks is not enough time to constitute a marriage!!! a judge will give him nothing at all. your house, your child, your house deeds. do not be afraid to call the police just because you work in the police. they will get him out if he refuses to go. pack his bags and put them in the cupboard at the front door so they are ready for him to go.

Topsy44 · 09/08/2025 17:31

I would get out of that marriage - I think you know it won’t be a happy one. Please don’t be swayed to stay in it for your DD’s sake.

So sorry you are going through this and now you know his lack of ability in the bedroom is nothing to do to you, it’s because he is addicted to other extreme stuff!

WearyAuldWumman · 09/08/2025 17:32

Topsy44 · 09/08/2025 17:31

I would get out of that marriage - I think you know it won’t be a happy one. Please don’t be swayed to stay in it for your DD’s sake.

So sorry you are going through this and now you know his lack of ability in the bedroom is nothing to do to you, it’s because he is addicted to other extreme stuff!

All of this.

Takersgonnatake · 09/08/2025 17:34

Him saying he doesn’t want to “break up the family” is a cynical attempt to manipulate you into letting this go. He is using your daughter’s fondness for him to twist this situation into one where you melt and let him stay. If he was actually committed to creating a family with you he’d have come clean with you and committed to shutting down his repulsive and non family friendly extra curricular activities before you were duped into saying I do. But he always intended to have his cake and eat it and he’s not the kind of man you want your daughter living with in his web of deceit.
I’d be firmly telling him to leave by tonight. If he refuses again, call a family member or a friend to back you up, do whatever is necessary to get this creature out. Monday morning, straight to a solicitor’s to see where you stand. Hopefully a sham marriage of 3 weeks duration should be comparatively easy to extricate yourself from. What a horrible situation for you 😞

prelovedusername · 09/08/2025 17:36

The fact that he has extreme sexual proclivities that you weren’t aware of before marriage and wouldn’t have consented to might be sufficient to get the marriage annulled at this early stage.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/08/2025 17:37

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 16:45

Yeah we live together, but it's my house. I bought it and I'm the only one on the deeds/mortgage. Iv asked him and he said no, he's not breaking up our family for something he did years ago.

Show quote history

He doesn’t get a choice OP. He hasn’t created a family - it’s based on a lie. And regardless of whether you work for the police or not, you have a duty to protect your daughter. Explain that you consider him a threat to her and you want him to leave. It’s not a choice and if he doesn’t comply, you will call them. You need to get this sorted ASAP so get yourself a good lawyer - you’re married so every day you’re using your house as your marital home, he’s building a case for a share in it.

Sunshineandrainbow · 09/08/2025 17:38

Awful for you but don't be ashamed of involving the police. It's him not you.

Omgblueskys · 09/08/2025 17:39

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 16:45

Yeah we live together, but it's my house. I bought it and I'm the only one on the deeds/mortgage. Iv asked him and he said no, he's not breaking up our family for something he did years ago.

Show quote history

Op don't ask him to leave tell him he is leaving pack up his stuff and get him out,
He literally living a double life via sm but it's betrayal, unfaithful, this can not be forgiven op, you will never know for sure but will always wonder, trust has gone op,

PulchritudinousLycanthrope · 09/08/2025 17:40

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 16:45

Yeah we live together, but it's my house. I bought it and I'm the only one on the deeds/mortgage. Iv asked him and he said no, he's not breaking up our family for something he did years ago.

Show quote history

He doesn't get to dictate.

A marriage of short duration means you get to keep what you brought to the marriage but crack on and get lawyered up ASAP while it is deemed a marriage of short duration.

I would be puking too. He has fundamentally lied to you about who and what he is.

cupfinalchaos · 09/08/2025 17:42

Get him out before he DOES have a claim on your house.

Lurkingandlearning · 09/08/2025 17:42

My take on this would be that even if he hasn’t been active with his kink, I still wouldn’t want to be with someone who is into that. Everyone can choose what they do with their bodies but I get to choose who I share mine with and someone who is into BDSM isn’t attractive to me.

He doesn’t get to decide if you stay married to him or not. I’m not sure about this, but I think being married for such a short time will mean you have to hand over less of your assets. So I’d get the ball rolling before you get any more surprises

BountifulPantry · 09/08/2025 17:43

Im so sorry OP. I cannot imagine the shock of this still going on. How are you coping? Do you have friends and family you can talk to?

MrsLizzieDarcy · 09/08/2025 17:44

What made you go looking OP?

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