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Original poster

Handhold please - feeling sick

286 replies

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 16:30

New username but long-term poster. I feel so sick and Ill probably ramble and not make sense but here it goes.
I just got married 3 weeks ago to who I thought was the man of my dreams but I just found out that he is on a BDSM website posting photos of him chained up and the most graphic photos of himself. He has been having conversations with guys/girls about what they'd do to each other sexually and how he is into pain.
This is coming from the guy who has a hard time getting an erection (now thinking it must be me), only wanting sex a couple of times a week and even then it's missionary. I don't think he's met these people, but really how much do I know?
I have a 12 y/o DD who absolutely adores the ground he walks on, she hasn't known him all her life as he was a close family friend.
What do I do? I know what I'd be advising if this was the other way around but honestly he's the absolute love of my life and I'm completely broken.
Please be kind, iv been throwing up most of the afternoon.

Thank you

OP posts:
KiwiFall · 09/08/2025 18:38

Sorry but if he’s lying from day 1 of your marriage and you can’t trust him I don’t really see a way forward. Especially if even with the evidence he’s not coming clean and still lying to you.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/08/2025 18:39

Speak to a lawyer and change the locks as soon as you are legally able to do so. You would never have entered into the marriage if you had known about this and so it is relevant to your decision to get married and stay married. I would see whether an annulment is possible. There is a chance that this was such a material concealment that goes to the heart of the marriage that it could be voidable but it’s a complex area where you need specialist advice. Otherwise, you have to wait a year to formally divorce but you can and should separate as soon as you feel able.

I am really sorry this has happened to you.

DonkeylovesWaffles · 09/08/2025 18:39

I wonder what else he's hiding from you? 🤢

I had a ONS once with a guy who tried to slap me around the face. Blocked 🚫

Flamingoknees · 09/08/2025 18:40

Are you sure his 4 days away were work related?
Please act swiftly to protect your assets OP
The embarrassment is all his.

kittensinthekitchen · 09/08/2025 18:46

OhHellolittleone · 09/08/2025 18:12

you hacked into his account? And you’re a police officer…? I mean I’d definitely do the same, but isn’t that illegal? I’d be careful telling him you did that and it wasn’t just logged in.

I don’t think there’s a good answer for you here. Maybe couples counselling to work through the lies if you decide you want to try to work something out.

Logging into someone's email account using a password isn't hacking, so isn't illegal.

Driedupandleft · 09/08/2025 18:47

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 16:30

New username but long-term poster. I feel so sick and Ill probably ramble and not make sense but here it goes.
I just got married 3 weeks ago to who I thought was the man of my dreams but I just found out that he is on a BDSM website posting photos of him chained up and the most graphic photos of himself. He has been having conversations with guys/girls about what they'd do to each other sexually and how he is into pain.
This is coming from the guy who has a hard time getting an erection (now thinking it must be me), only wanting sex a couple of times a week and even then it's missionary. I don't think he's met these people, but really how much do I know?
I have a 12 y/o DD who absolutely adores the ground he walks on, she hasn't known him all her life as he was a close family friend.
What do I do? I know what I'd be advising if this was the other way around but honestly he's the absolute love of my life and I'm completely broken.
Please be kind, iv been throwing up most of the afternoon.

Thank you

How did you find out OP?
Has he confessed?
You could argue that by not declaring this prior to your marriage that he has lied and you can get it annulled maybe?
Im sorry, you either need to sit down and have a very frank chat about how you move forwards with your relationship or end it. If this is what he's into then it would be unfair to ask him to be someone different but equally full transparency was essential before marriage as this would be a deal breaker for most people

TalulaHalulah · 09/08/2025 18:48

Yes, you need a lawyer.
If you are married, it’s your marital home so I don’t think you can get him to leave.
But you need to focus on the practical and work out how to legally get him out, keep your assets and then focus on the emotional recovery.

cheezncrackers · 09/08/2025 18:48

Right, so let me get this straight. Your new 'D'H, who you've been married to for a matter of weeks, has been on a BDSM website for at least 13 years, in which time he has posted videos of himself, he's bisexual and he claims that the new activity on said site was due to his account being hacked and someone else using it. He really must think you're stupid, if he thinks you'll fall for that line. You're in the bloody police FGS. It clearly doesn't occur to him that you've heard every lie and excuse in the book in the course of your work. What a lying, cheating piece of scum he is. Please OP, kick him out, get legal advice about the possibility of annulling your very short union and FGS go and get yourself a full set of STI tests Flowers

Beammeupscotty2025 · 09/08/2025 18:49

Honestly, why do you think he is with you?

Leave him asap. It’s not only you who is being groomed.

slightlydistrac · 09/08/2025 18:50

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 16:45

Yeah we live together, but it's my house. I bought it and I'm the only one on the deeds/mortgage. Iv asked him and he said no, he's not breaking up our family for something he did years ago.

Show quote history

I hate to break this to you, but now you're married it isn't just your house any more.

Parker231 · 09/08/2025 18:52

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 16:45

Yeah we live together, but it's my house. I bought it and I'm the only one on the deeds/mortgage. Iv asked him and he said no, he's not breaking up our family for something he did years ago.

Show quote history

It’s not his decision. I’d get rid of him asap - the longer it goes on, the harder for you and your DD.

JennyBG · 09/08/2025 18:53

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 18:00

He's saying it wasn't him. That there is no messages and when I showed him the ones I screenshotted he said someone else must of logged on to his account and sent them. He thinks I'm a bloody idiot.

Show quote history

You have to ask yourself why he hadn’t deleted the account years ago. He’s obviously still using it, that’s why.

I would approach your manager/sergeant and request some guidance as to what you can do. He obviously thinks you’ll be too embarrassed, but they will help you. If it’s your house and he won’t leave, they may be able to attend and “help” him to leave. As for breaking up the “family”, all trust has gone hasn’t it? There’s no coming back from it, because you’ll never know what he’s up to when he’s not with you. I certainly wouldn’t want him around any daughter of mine in your situation. Most importantly, take care of yourself!

Arctician · 09/08/2025 18:55

OK….. Time to take a big deep breath … and think. Most of the responses you’ve had so far imply that you’ve just married a monster. I don’t think you have, but I completely sympathise with you given the metaphorical punch in the stomach you’ve just suffered. This man is the ‘love of your life’. Your DD ‘adores the ground he walks on’. These emotions don’t develop overnight, so arguably there’s something worthwhile in your family unit that has got you this far and as such, might be worth fighting for. Has his underperformance in the bedroom always been a ‘problem’? Did he ‘accidentally’ allow you to find out about his predilections as a way to open up to you about his apparent need for sexual submissiveness ? Whether his dalliance on bdsm sites is recent or historical I would guess it’s part of his sexual fantasy life and is unlikely to change. Ever. Unless this has developed into actual contact with willing 3rd parties for physical activity, (which obviously is a RED line) you need to sit down with your ‘new’ man and have a brutally honest heart to heart. On the one hand you need to know exactly what his sexual motivation is and on the other hand, he needs to be made aware 💯 of the hurt, shock, horror and confusion that his behaviour and disclosure have caused you. If you can stomach or consider it, it may be that your joint activity in the privacy of your bedroom may slowly and subtly change - possibly to your advantage. Outwith the bedroom you may have the advantage of assuming a more controlling position in day to day affairs. Who knows? Certainly not me, but I was just a bit horrified at the avalanche of ‘morally righteous’ advice you were being given when you are obviously in shock (from folks who quite likely have their own private and personal deviances) so I thought it might be better to pause and take a broader view. I hope you appreciate my intentions and I truly do sympathise with you. Be brave, Best Wishes.

istheresomethingishouldsay · 09/08/2025 18:55

handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 16:45

Yeah we live together, but it's my house. I bought it and I'm the only one on the deeds/mortgage. Iv asked him and he said no, he's not breaking up our family for something he did years ago.

Show quote history

You need to make it clear that you want him gone, you're going to pursue an annulment, and that he is not your family.

I'm so sorry.

MrsPerfect12 · 09/08/2025 18:56

Surely you can just change the locks 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tartantotty · 09/08/2025 19:00

A different view here from the knee jerk reaction. Give him some slack. He's a fetishist (many folk are, secretly, and it's an addiction). That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. You must talk to him and try to work things out.

Original poster
handholdplease9 · 09/08/2025 19:01

I have spoken very briefly to a civil lawyer friend from work and we're having a telephone appointment on Monday to go through if this qualifies as an annulment/matters on the house etc.
I know within my heart I just can't forgive this. He wasn't the man of my dreams as it's all been a lie. If I had known now what he was into kinks wise, they'd be no relationship, let alone a marriage. I feel like I've been tricked into this plus he absolutely gives me the ick now. The thought of being intimate with him makes me physically gag.

OP posts:
Devontownie · 09/08/2025 19:02

Oh you poor love. No advice, just a hand hold.

I would like to say to the rather dramatic post suggesting your " hacking into his email" ( 🙄 if only people would stop using that term. ) was contrary to your standing as a police employee. That public professionals are indeed allowed to use their brains in their personal life, and the lack of distinction between that and the systems you likely use at work hilarious 😂

I wouldn't worry about it even being " frowned upon" securing his data from his life partner that is already all in, was his responsibility. He didn't. He left you alone with the means to access it. His bad.

Good luck. Would sign post but you will know them all, Will be following for updates and wish you well.

shuggles · 09/08/2025 19:03

Wondering if I read a different thread to anyone else...

@handholdplease9 I just found out that he is on a BDSM website posting photos of him chained up and the most graphic photos of himself. He has been having conversations with guys/girls about what they'd do to each other sexually and how he is into pain.

While this isn't great, please bear in mind that this is really just online chat. The chances he has actually met someone off this website is extremely low; especially if it's fetlife, which is specifically not a dating website.

This is coming from the guy who has a hard time getting an erection (now thinking it must be me), only wanting sex a couple of times a week and even then it's missionary.

He's probably afraid of how you might react if you found out he is into BDSM.

shuggles · 09/08/2025 19:05

@handholdplease9 He wasn't the man of my dreams as it's all been a lie. If I had known now what he was into kinks wise, they'd be no relationship, let alone a marriage.

I don't understand. Isn't he just into BDSM and pain?

OhHellolittleone · 09/08/2025 19:06

kittensinthekitchen · 09/08/2025 18:46

Logging into someone's email account using a password isn't hacking, so isn't illegal.

Show quote history

So I just looked it up, it is illegal. It is illegal to access emails without permission even if you know the password. In legal terms this is hacking. Computer misuse act 1990. You learn something new every day!

TeamBuffalo · 09/08/2025 19:06

Tartantotty · 09/08/2025 19:00

A different view here from the knee jerk reaction. Give him some slack. He's a fetishist (many folk are, secretly, and it's an addiction). That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. You must talk to him and try to work things out.

There is no 'must' about it. Anyone can leave a relationship for any reason (and finding out that your partner is a fetishist and has kept that information from you for years is definitely one of the better reasons).

Barney16 · 09/08/2025 19:07

I feel very sorry for you OP because he isn't the person that you thought he was and that is shattering. I haven't any advice but just send hand holds and hugs.

ToughLoveLDN · 09/08/2025 19:07

I mean it’s not great because he’s been cheating.

but if this is how you’re reacting to him being bi and into kink then no wonder he didn’t tell you. You’re in the police, so you should know that people aren’t all vanilla. Get a grip.

Cucy · 09/08/2025 19:07

The actual link would be irrelevant to me.

What would hurt me the most is that he’s cheating (or trying to cheat) and what’s worse is he’s lying about it.

I couldn’t forgive this.