DH is outside, caught in a lie

[Wishthereweremorecrumpets]

Apologies, I’m currently shaking. I’ve just realised I’ve caught out DH in lies as to where he’s been. DH works nights and often six days a week, returning back late at the weekend. He’s told me he’s been going out with a friend a few times as he’s been signed off work following minor surgery. He said he went out with him last night before his mate goes off on holiday. Well, I get on well with his friend so just text him to say have a wonderful trip and asked when he’s off. Turns out he’s already there and was asking how DH is after his surgery.
I feel like such an absolute mug to believe he would be getting in at 6am with mates, he is a night owl because of the night shifts but I’m an idiot.
He’s out again now and not answering the phone. We’ve two DC 7 and 2, not in or from the same country either. Any hand holds?

Aw OP.
Offering you a hand hold. Sorry that I can't think of anything reassuring to say.

Don't be hard on yourself. You aren't a "mug" at all. We believe them until they show us that they shouldn't be trusted.

You're not a mug at all OP. You do have the upper hand here though because you can now do some more digging if you want to before you confront him.

You say you're not from the same country. What's the current situation? Are you living in your or his home country? Were the children born in your or his country?

@PhaseFour thank you kindly. The worst part is we were talking yesterday about how the next few months should be better now we’ve literally just moved somewhere new.
I’m not in the UK and he’s not English so the implications with DC is making feel physically ill.

@SparklyGlitterballs we’re in a third country if that makes sense. DH and I from different places, met here and DC born here.

I forgot to say, DH has been taking my car whilst he’s getting his repaired. I can track it and have seen he’s been at the same place every time he says his with his mate.

I don’t know his passwords or anything so I’m not sure how else I can get information.

Get rid of him.

Where is the place

Oh OP, this is horrible for you. On the plus side, you have an idea where he’s been going and he doesn’t know you’re onto him yet. Brazenly going there in your car and thinking he’d come up with the perfect lie has made him sloppy.

So. Time for the proverbial aligning of the ducks. Get all the information you can on your joint finances, check any paper statements for phones and bank accounts for anything that looks suspicious, if there are paper versions, or check online if you have joint banking. And when you feel you have enough information, find out what your rights are and how the legal system would impact you in case of a split.

But also, you may want to drive past the place he’s been going and see what’s there. Or confirm he’s still going there once he has his car back and you can take a photo of it outside the address.

When you have the information you need, that’s when to ask him what the fuck he thinks he’s playing at, and to make up your mind how to take it forward. But I think you’re on a time limit here as I’m sure his mate will tell him that you spoke to him, once he comes back from his holiday.

I’m assuming from the tone of your post that he’s otherwise been a decent man and you’re not afraid of him?

Maybe the OP can borrow your magic wand to make it that simple. I can’t believe how often this blunt response is used in similar threads, life isn’t always that simple.

Can you go to the place you've tracked him to?

Then you need to use the fact he us ‘away’ to take a breath.
it’s a huge discovery. One that would shake anyone.

And then on Monday you need to find a lawyer specialised in divorce in your situation. Rules will cp art a lot from one country to the next.
Then when you know where you stand, talk to him and tell him you know.

Im gettimg the feeling you’re not planning further a reconciliation. But keeping things as amicable as possible will help if you want to go back to the U.K. with the dcs (you’ll likely need his approval)

Deep breath op. You have no idea what is going on and now is the time to hold steady. No idea what time it is where you are, but I agree with a pp. If you’ve time, look out all relevant paperwork (bank statements, passports, phone bills etc) and put it somewhere safe. When he comes back, ice cold and calm is the way to be. Ask him, clearly, where he has been. Go from there. But, forewarned is forearmed. I assume you know where he is (i know you know the address but do you know who lives there? Can you google it?) Keep your cool, get the facts, go from there. Do try not to lose your shit. If this is what it sounds like? He really isn’t worth it.

Thank you again.

We don’t share any finances as we pay for different things, I earn double what he does so I end up paying for most of it.

I don’t think his friend knows he’s being used in this lie but you’re right he could equally text him and mention it.

I’m in the Middle East, he’s Muslim and I’m not. Again, why this has made me feel so sick in terms of custody and legislation etc I’m very much on the back foot in terms of being able to navigate the system.

I know people will say I should have thought of this, you never do when things are rosy.

@Zonder no I’m alone with the DC asleep, no friends or family nearby.

It’s the apple tags, the area is general residential flats so even if I went there I wouldn’t be able to know where he was. Taking the car would be funny. I do want to stay in this country, but god what if he wants to move back and take them with him.

Unfortunately, I laid out a lot for us to move so have no means of paying for anything atm. He has the disposable money for food etc this month.

OK, if you’re in the Middle East you need local legal advice, and quickly. And if your instinct is to go back to your home country with the kids, you need to know what obstacles he can place in your way.

For now, your main advantage is that he doesn’t know you’re aware of the lie. And I would advise keeping it that way until you know your legal situation. So if the friend has let slip that you spoke and your H raised it, just laugh and say that you felt so silly, because you realised that he must have been out with a different friend and you must have got muddled. Don’t tip him off until you’re ready.

How likely are your employers to let you work remotely, if you decide to leave the country?

Edit: sorry, cross-posted. Just seen your latest.

Hi OP,
Given your location, I wouldn't let him know that you know yet. Feign tiredness when he returns. In many ME countries the man gets custody etc. it is not like UK. You may end up having to leave the country and leaving your kids behind with him. An alternative may be leaving quickly with them while he is away. Do you have a local friend you can confide in who could help you?

If I confront him he could just say he’s been with mates, but he’s still lied and I’ve no proof he’s with someone.

Honestly, I’m still shaking so I can’t imagine remaining calm enough to not ask. Although if the last few times are anything to go by he won’t be back until 6am

DC is in a great school as he has a disability and I’m education based so I don’t want to uproot us if we’re able to work things out amicably here. This may well be me being naive

Please don't blow your cover until you've checked out your legal position wrt DC, you need to know where you stand before you risk him knowing you know.

Been reading, children of non Muslim women stay with their mum until 7 years then go with Dad.

OK, well right now, tell him you think you’re coming down with something. Let him know that before anything else, because if you’re a bit off - understandably - it can be put down to this non-specific bug you’ve picked up.

You have to try to hold it together until you know the legal situation. I don’t know whether you would feel comfortable saying which country you’re in, but maybe a name change and post on the divorce boards in case someone has country-specific experience if you’re worried about it being outing. You need to know where you stand asap.

And since you know you need to protect the kids, it may be easier than you think to not ask him outright what he’s been doing.

Don't let him know you know anything until you've got some legal advice. If you don't think you can 'act normal' , say you're ill (terrible migraine) and need some space and peace and quiet. Do your best to stay out of his way. Is there any way you can get into his phone/laptop? Do you have any inkling who he might be seeing?

Is this compulsory, or can it be varied so as not to split up siblings?

Can you make contact with the British Embassy in the country you're in?