DH is outside, caught in a lie

[Wishthereweremorecrumpets]

Apologies, I’m currently shaking. I’ve just realised I’ve caught out DH in lies as to where he’s been. DH works nights and often six days a week, returning back late at the weekend. He’s told me he’s been going out with a friend a few times as he’s been signed off work following minor surgery. He said he went out with him last night before his mate goes off on holiday. Well, I get on well with his friend so just text him to say have a wonderful trip and asked when he’s off. Turns out he’s already there and was asking how DH is after his surgery.
I feel like such an absolute mug to believe he would be getting in at 6am with mates, he is a night owl because of the night shifts but I’m an idiot.
He’s out again now and not answering the phone. We’ve two DC 7 and 2, not in or from the same country either. Any hand holds?

Smell his clothes and look for any suspicious odour. Men usually forget their sense of smell and a woman’s is much better. Smell his literal socks - you could possibly figure out how long he was ‘there’ if DH took off his shoes.

You need to not tell your husband you know.

take your child back to UK and stay there. No job is worth losing your child.

it won’t be amicable.

Morning everyone, thank you to all posters who have taken the time to offer your thoughts. It’s very much appreciated.

I don’t want the children to be uprooted and everything changed especially given the state of support in the UK at the moment it would take a long time for my DC to get the SEN support they need. I also wouldn’t be able to support them like I can here. They’re thriving, if it means me staying and ignoring what’s happened I’m prepared to do that for them. Because of my and DH’s schedule we hardly see each other anyway, it works as we are able to sort the DCs different needs. It’s been more like flatmates for a while with me doing nearly all the parenting so it wouldn’t really change anything day to day.

I’ve been in this country for a long time now 10+ years, so it feels more like home even though I know it’s not. I’ll see how things go and as many have recommended make a longer term plan and will look at the links apps have provided.

To answer some questions yes me and DC all British. Accommodation was meant as renting, it’s under me. Children of a Muslim man are automatically Muslim.

I know with this update many people will not be happy, I just can’t bring myself to destroy their world.

That’s your choice op.
Sen support is readily available where I live, so I imagine the issue might be regional to where you are in the U.K.

If a long term plan suits you better then that’s up to you. Of course your children are still at risk whilst you remain there, and you need to factor in that they are absorbing the values, ethos, entrenched misogyny and inequality every day you are there. That would worry me more than sen support.

You sound remarkably at peace with your husband’s infidelity, your lack of security and precarious status. It won’t improve, and can be corrosive in the end. This is your life and your decision, and I hope it works out for you. I imagine you will be back here when he starts to openly disrespect you and his behaviour deteriorates because there are no consequences. Good luck.

@Wishthereweremorecrumpets i wish you wouldn’t just presume you can’t be in a healthy relationship because of suspicions, although I’m happy to hear you’re coping well enough.

I suspect that behaviour will separate (and may even segregate) your family, a truly disheartening proposition.

Although you are prepared to accept the grief, I must implore you to not jump to any conclusions and look at every detail with a sense of balanced judgment.

OP, your decision is understandable and women do what we must for our children. It’s a relief that you are all British citizens. Please do two things anyway, just in case. Those are, save up some secret money that he doesn’t know about and make sure your passports are all valid for at least 6 months at all times and keep those passports at work or in a safety box somewhere that he can’t get to them. I have experience with your situation, though with differences. Your DH’s behaviour could deteriorate as he becomes more emboldened. Please keep this in mind and keep re-evaluating your position - what you can live with, and what you really can’t. A mistress may be tolerable, countless women take this for granted. But what if she becomes pregnant? What if he demands to maintain a second household? What if his behaviour takes resources that you are working for away from your children and you? What if he prevents you from travelling home to the UK, ever again, unless you leave your children? What if he demands to take the children to his home country? What if y he demands a divorce from you but you are denied custody rights? Please be careful. Have an escape plan and be prepared to use it.

Does that apply if you are permanently based in the UK?
Was your child born in the UK?

@Wishthereweremorecrumpets I understand not wanting to break everything up, but I don't think you need to - or should - ignore what you know. It will eat you up inside. There might be a third way....working on your relationship. I think you should tell him what you know. Not every couple breaks up after an affair, and some people work it out and go on to have a closer relationship than before.

If you don't want to just smash up the whole marriage - and who could blame you if you did want to? - I think you should talk to him. Communication is everything. Not leaving doesn't mean that you can't express yourself to him. I think you should talk to him and tell him all about how upset, hurt, and angry you are. You will feel better for it.

Hugs xxx

Find out what the laws are on adultery and get some proof of what's he's up to, in case you need it as leverage. If your country is in the Hague convention speak to a lawyer in your home country to find out of they believe it will apply yet as you're newly arrived in your current country. And then get out and don't risk losing your children when they turn seven.

Several Middle Eastern countries are part of the Hague Convention, including Bahrain, Israel, Oman, Saudi Arabia, and Turkey. Additionally, Morocco and Tunisia are also part of the convention, though the convention's application between Israel and Tunisia is not yet in force.

That would be reasonable advice if she didn't live somewhere that would take away her children when they turn 7 in the event of a divorce.

Given the choices that have been made and the situation you are in....
I'm not sure I'd do anything different to you.
You are doing what you need to for you and your kids.

You are on the back foot massively so best to keep your powder dry and bide your time.

It's worth saving some cash and finding out your actual legal position and checking out local laws around infidelity. Longer term you can start planning your exit for when youngest is years old.

If you and the kids are British, then I would be returning home with them to make sure that he can't take them. If you're in the middle east I would also be wondering whether he has committed any criminal offence such as adultery. If that's the case, then you could get more evidence so that you have some bargaining tools to protect yourself with. Personally I would not expect a middle Eastern or muslim country to treat a woman fairly. I also wouldn't trust a cheating husband to treat his wife fairly either. I would get more evidence and return to the UK for an extended holiday and seek legal advice.

I took my ex wife back after an affair, in hindsight it was the biggest mistake I made.

After a year two I financially supported her through university, paid all the house bills mortgage etc .

When she got her degree she was in the no experience no job non no experience trap. I used a few contacts of mine and got her, her first and second job.

Once she establishes herself she had an affair with my friend, who’s wife she was also very friendly with.

There was a long court battle, it sort of worked in my favour because I put her through university, had it not I would have been homeless, and my ex friend and wife would have been able to shack up in my home, on paper anyway. Reality it I would ended up in prison for putting a bulldozer through my house.

My own father is dying now, I met him until I was 23 years old. Six marriages four kids and affairs galore, horrible self absorbed fantasist and I have no pity for him

i took my wife back because I wasn’t man enough to embrace the pain of losing her,
I took the easy option and paid dearly for it,
that’s what you get when you area SIMP

Thirteen years of marriage and about 7/8 years recovery time, twenty years of my life wasted on what? My weak and feeble emotions at that time!

Painful experiences are what make up your character, the more you avoid them the less you grow. I now embrace everything that used to give me anxiety, I don’t want to be liked, other people’s opinion of me counts for nothing in my book .

Don’t take the easy route, have some pride and work this out in your head. He has brazenly lied to you, what else has he lied to you that you don’t know about? FFs he wasn’t even smart about it , that’s how much he appreciates your intelligence, he probably thinks your weren’t clever enough to work this out!

Do what’s right for you not what’s expedient.

@Horsie thank you, I think I’m going to meet it halfway and approach it with a few of working on the relationship. You’re right in terms of the lies eating away, I find it really hard to trust due to previous relationships and I know he finds it hard when I jump straight to infidelity. It could well be him wanting more time with his friends but lying about it so I don’t get annoyed.
I’ve found it hard with us having completely opposite schedules and he knows I find it hard parenting alone, equally needs must as I can’t be in two places at once with different school drop offs etc. He adores the children and would put them first, he does have a switch in terms of me so I’m keeping that in mind for the future. Yes the laws here support him, it still feels a long way for him to completely remove them from me as he knows they would still need me.

@Dimdam thank you for sharing your experience. You’re right, he could well be lying about other things. I’m aware you think me a coward and not facing the harder path, it feels selfish if I’m honest to break up the family. I’d rather sacrifice my happiness to ensure my children are provided for.

If you are in a country like KSA you CANNOT leave without permission.
Doesn't matter that you have a British passport. You are basically one up from a slave and your employer needs to give permission.
If your employer fumbles your paperwork and its not correct filled in you wont be allowed access, your flight will go without you and you will essentially be trapped without the right paperwork.
And thats for MEN... God knows what BS hoops women need to jump through.

I was shocked at this when I saw it first hand but its the law in KSA

"I know with this update many people will not be happy, I just can’t bring myself to destroy their world."

You are in an extraordinarily difficult situation, @Wishthereweremorecrumpets. Given all the personal circumstances you list, I understand why you might decide to keep the status quo as much as possible, for the sake of your children, and also, actually, for yourself. I can only imagine how tough it would be for you to a) get yourself and your children safely back to your home country and b) then re-establish a well-functioning life for your children and you. I think I wouldn’t make any hasty decisions about this, and I’m not sure whether it is a good idea for you to confront your DH for the moment. I certainly would be putting the idea of a divorce on the back-burner for the moment, again, only because of your very specific circumstances.
I wish you well.

@Wishthereweremorecrumpets I do understand. Are you sure you can pull it off though? I’m not sure I would have the self-control.

@Dimdam I am so sorry your ex-wife behaved so badly. I wonder if some therapy might help. Blaming yourself for weakness in going through entirely normal stages of grief and using manosphere terms like “simp” in relation to yourself shows a real lack of self-compassion.

I think you’re sensible. If your the main earner he will probably be happy for you to do the work and support you all while he’s off getting his fix secretly.

I’d definitely secretly save hard so that you can be independent from him when the time comes.

Focus on yourself and your children and having a good life with them, which it sounds like you are already doing.

and yes SEN provision in the U.K. is dire as is everything else. If Reform get in next time they’ll probably cut back further on SEN.

Not true. She can leave the country with her children (with passports) whenever she wants. Things have changed in KSA, quite rapidly in the last 7yesrs.

i think that’s a valid plan and it could work. But you need to remember that’s it’s not your decision alone. Your DH has the choice to leave you at any point. And it doesn’t matter that your children are uk citizens, they will be under the laws of that country and custody will go to your DH. I guess that’s the risk you took having children in a county where women have little rights. I hope that even if he decides this other woman is the one for him that he’s happy to leave them in your care. If you think that he will want custody of them then I’d seriously consider your next move.

Agreed. Good luck OP. Keep it all to yourself until a time comes for change. Then you’ll be prepared to blindside him. Think Katie Holmes / Tom Cruise.

@Dimdam

I think you need to reframe how you see yourself. You did the best you could, with the knowledge you had at the time.

Cheating is abusive. Have you read about PISD a form of ptsd. I see it as you gave her grace (which she didn’t deserve) and that shows the type of person you are and it reveals your traits.

Cheats have poor personality traits. They lie, gaslight, sneak around. You were presumably faithful. I wouldn’t see a faithful, spouse (who gave their partner grace) as a simp.

Reframe it. Forgive yourself.

Good luck op. I still say I’d find a way back to the UK. I’d convince him to come too, change your place of residency then dump him.

Could he have a second wife?
In Islam, men are allowed to have upto 4 wives. But all have to be aware of each other and happy. Everyone has to be treated equally with time and money.

Unfortunately, asome Muslim men ignore this rule and have a secret wife.
A lot of Muslim women don't mind being a co wife. Infact some of them end up having great friendships and sisterhood. But to lie and deceive it all makes me sick.

SENDCO provision in the UK is good actually but you do have to be proactive. SEN is an out moded term and no longer used. You now sound like a different person. Glad you had it worked out all along...